My hands were covered in blood and weren't doing what I wanted them to do. Every muscle in my body was burning and I could feel my own blood leaking through the cut on my leg but I had to ignore it all, my mother needed me.
I wasn't sure if the guy in the truck that hit us was ok or not, frankly I didn't care. It was obvious he was drunk, by the way he was swerving all over the road. Mom had tried to get out of his way but she wasn't fast enough. His diesel powered monster slammed into her sedan and I blacked out.
When I came to, Mom was stuck behind the steering wheel and part of the car frame had dug into my calf. Using a surge of adrenaline, I got myself out if the wreckage then freed my Mom. She was breathing but just barely. I was applying pressure to her wounds with some of my shredded clothing when EMS arrived.
They loaded her into their ambulance and I forced myself in with them, never letting go of her hand.
"She needs you, Ben," Mom whispered.
I just nodded, knowing that she meant my sister.
If I would have known that my mom would pass shortly after that, I would have told her that I loved her. I didn't get the chance.
I was crying as the doctors were stitching up my leg and bandaging my wounds. They wanted me to stay over night in case I had a concussion but I had to tell my sister and it had to be done in person.
They discharged me and I took a taxi home. It was early, around 4am was my guess, so I knew she wouldn't be awake and I didn't have a key anymore. I could have gone around the back but I didn't want to scare her.
I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer. I could hear her stomping down the stairs and up to the front door.
"Who is it?!" She demanded.
"Kate, it's Ben. Open up."
"What are you still doing here?" She asked as I heard her undo the deadbolt and the chains. "I was hoping I wouldn't see you for another 2 years."
She looked at me, my blood-stained clothes and started to cry.
"I'm so sorry, Kate."
I reached out to hug her but she ran away from me. Her door slammed shut and I heard her sobs as I closed and locked the front door. That was the reaction I was expecting.
Two years ago, our father had been investing a home invasion. He was an officer and good at his job but the man inside that house was too high on something and fought my Dad. It took two point-blank shots and my father was just another cop killed in the line of duty. I was never good at dealing with my emotions so I took off. Mom understood, though my leaving had hurt her deeply. Katie never udnerstood, probably why she ran from me now.
I cleaned myself up and put on fresh clothes, sticking the bloody ones in the fire place and lighting them up. My heart was aching and watching the clothes burn made me feel a little better.
After the fire was roaring, I went up the stairs and knocked on Katie's door.
"Katie, are you ok?"
"I'm not ok, you idiot! Mom died tonight, Benny! Don't call me Katie!"
I knew she hated that nickname but I slipped and it got out. She hated it as much as I hated being called Benny. We knew how to get on each others nerves.
"I'm here, sis," was all I said and I left her alone.
I went back to the living room and sat on the couch, feeling the warmth of the flame giving me partial relief from the pain. For over an hour I fought back the tears, feeling I had no right to cry.
"What happened?" she asked as she sat on the opposite end of the couch and stared into the flames.
"Drunk driver."
She just sat there, watching the fire dance. I looked at her every few minutes, trying to get a feel for what she was thinking but I couldn't. Even if she didn't have her glasses on and the fire wasn't making it hard for me to see into her eyes, I probably wouldn't have known what she was thinking.
"When are you taking off?" she asked, her voice monotone.
"What do you mean, I can't leave."
"You left after Dad died, why would this be any different?"
"Because you're sixteen, Katherine. I can't leave you alone."
"Oh, so now you care? When there's no one left but you to take care of me is when you start to care? I can take care of myself."
This was the conversation Mom and I were having as she was taking me to the airport, just before we got hit. I had come home for Christmas and my Mom didn't want me to leave. She had told me that Kate, despite the rude behavior, didn't want me to go. I had to admit that, even though she had needed her older brother after Dad's death, I wasn't strong enough to face my own demons let alone anyone else's.
"I've always cared about you."
"Then where have you been the last two years? Dad was gone then you left. Mom and I had no one, Benny."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I have all these nursing books on how to deal with death and help families grieve, but I don't know how to do it myself."
She looked at me, tears pouring from her eyes. "I was fourteen and all I wanted was you to tell me it would be ok. I wanted my big brother to tell me we would survive. I was a fourteen year old girl that just wanted you and you abandoned me."
I tried to wrap my arms around her but she leaned away from me. I didn't want to force it so put my arms down.
"If you had been here four months ago," she began. Her thought trailed off and I was curious.
"What happened, Katie?"
She looked up at me, barely lifting her head. "Nothing."
"Please, Katherine, tell me."
Taking several deep breathes, she steadied herself. She extended her arms to me and, in the fire light and the slowly rising, I saw the scars on both of her wrists.
I won't lie and say I wasn't angry but it was over shadowed by what I was about to do.
"About a year for me," I said as I did something I hadn't done since that night.
My body hurt but it let me raise my shirt to my neck. Over my heart were two lines that I had carved into my own chest. The only other person to ever see them was the doctor and nurse that stitched me up that night.
She leaned back, gasping at my self-inflicted scars.
I wanted to know why she had tried to end her life but I would have to earn her trust.
"It was after the anniversary of Dad's death and I was having a rough time. I had no one, which I know was my fault, but it hurt so bad. It hung like a dark cloud.
"Then, during my rounds, a wounded officer came in, bleeding badly from two gunshots. I did the best I could, even after the doctor announced his time of death. I finished my rounds that night then disappeared. I grabbed the knife-"
"Stop, Benny, I get it."
I didn't realize I had started crying and was running my fingers over the scars. Kate was crying with me.
"I liked this boy," she began. "Kirk Marks. I liked him so much, or at least I thought I did, that I wanted him to be my first. He was way too rough and he hurt me. At school, he told everyone that I wasn't equipped properly down there and I broke his penis."
I was furious but kept it hidden, this was no time for brotherly rage and I didn't have a right to express it.
"When it got around school, no one wanted anything to do with me. The teasing got worse and one day, Mom came home-"
I touched her hand and she stopped. "I'm sorry, Kate. I shouldn't have left. Especially when you needed me the most."
She just nodded and pulled her hands back. "Mom took me out of school."
I just stared at her. The rage was still inside me but my heart was broken.
"Are you going to stay?" she asked in a hoarse whisper.
