Alex saw her eldest grandson, Ryan, sitting outside on the front porch with his third beer in hand. He stared out into the empty street, listening to nothing but owls from afar. She questioned if it was the right move to sit with him, but she felt there was no safer place.
Her youngest grandson, Xander, just tried to fuck her and the middle child, Tyler, was still brooding over their last sexual encounter. Neither of them were the best choice to be around. Her bedroom too, given the circumstances, felt just as unsafe.
The older woman took in a deep breath before taking a seat on the bench with Ryan.
"Hey grandma."
"Hey."
The two were silent for a couple minutes, just drinking their beers. The tension was thick.
"You..." Alex started, "You saw me with my fingers up your brother's ass, but you attacked him. Why?"
Ryan raised a hand to his temple, "Because this was expected of him."
"Expected of him?" Alex repeated. The grown man sighed and affirmed her question. "Mom had a unique way of telling us about you. Most of the things she said were about your job. She was angry for a long time, and I think she had ringed the last of it out when she decided to let you into our lives."
Alex's heart was tightening in her chest. That's really all she had to say? Nothing about attending her school performances, their biweekly hikes, or their late-night girl talks?
"She even told us your porn name. That's how Xander knew where to find you. Tyler found you first, but I told him to not watch anything. He promised he wouldn't," Alex wanted to tell Ryan that he was too handsome to be so naive.
"But Xander, he told our mom that he watched your videos. She was horrified! She told him, 'If you talk about any of this to your grandma, you won't be coming back home.' But what did she expect when she revealed your name?"
"Yeah, no kidding."
"I know you wouldn't act like that unless he did something to you. I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault."
"It kind of is," Ryan huffed, clearing the ball in his throat, "I should've been more assertive. I had a feeling Xander would pull this shit once mom said you used to be a porn star. It was all she ever talked about."
"Huh," Alex scrunched her face, taking a sip of her beer, "I'm surprised by that."
"Imagine how we were. You give three guys the name of someone's porn handle, and you expect them not to look it up? Ugh, I saw the light flash in Xander's eyes when she said it too; like he was a descendant of Aphrodite. Probably thought that alone made him a good lover, pfft!"
"Aphrodite?" Alex smirked, "I mean, I wouldn't say I'm THAT amazing, but..."
"I guess for mom, being a porn star overshadowed everything," Ryan finished off his beer and placed it next to the other two he emptied, "Was it really that bad? It's not like you took her to any of your shoots, right?"
"No, of course not!"
"You didn't invite strange men into the house?"
"Absolutely not!" Alex raised her voice. She swore that she built a life off of her curves to secure her child's future, not ruin it. "All I remember is her saying she was bullied, but I couldn't help that. It's like being the child of one of those 'Only Fans' stars. Kids that young shouldn't be watching what I was in anyway. Sure, it was humiliating, but I tried to talk to her about it- I really did!"
"It's okay!" Ryan reassured, "I was just asking...Wow, our family, right? Perhaps it was better that you weren't around."
"I still have regrets," the woman swirled the remainder of her drink, turning to face her grandson for the first time since this conversation began. He really looked disheveled. His hair wilder than usual and eyes darkened with hate. "It would've been nice to tell my own story instead of having someone else describe it to you, but it's over, and we gotta work with what we have. This isn't how I pictured on our last night, but what I gained is still so much greater. I still got to know you, and I would rather be attacked by my grandson than be alone any day."
"If loneliness leads you to find comfort in abuse, then I feel sorry for you."
Alex scoffed, placing a hand on her chest, "My, was that poetic!"
"It's the liquor," Ryan replied indifferently, "Can I have one more?"
"Tyler took the rest. We're out of luck."
"Dammit."
"But, we can take a drive to the liquor store...if you want."
Going out at night in New York was asking for trouble, but Alex tested her luck with Ryan. They didn't care about their safety, and both wanted to erase their worries and fall drunk into the morning. They bought stronger liquor and a bottle of wine just for Alex once the boys returned home. This visit was the wildest roller coaster she's been on since the electricity went out on her block.
"He had the nerve to push me up against the car and not expect to be punished for it? I may be old, but these muscles have seen some weights!"
"You're so badass," Ryan reclined the passenger seat as they sat outside the liquor store, "It's amazing how you never got married."
"Don't. It's a scam," Alex hiccuped, "Oh wait."
The roads were barren, so the former actress decided to speed back home. It was a horrible display of character, but she lost her care for morals. Ryan didn't even seem to notice her driving was swerving more, but they made it back without any injuries.
Alex did not leave her car inside the garage. Instead, she parked in the driveway to talk more with Ryan, who had loosened up a considerable amount after two more drinks. The conversation that was so filled with laughter and jokes had quieted down on Ryan's end over time. He shut his eyes and laid his hands on his chest, developing a solemn air about him.
"Ryan, are you okay?"
"I've been lying to you, Grandma," he creaked open his eyes that were now glistening, "I did see one of your videos."
"Oh! Well, that's okay. You were curious."
"Not just that, I..." he gulped, "I thought it was hot."
"Which one was it?"
"I don't remember the name, but you were with a girl and a guy. The girl was eating you out while being fucked by the guy, and then you switched. I pretended it wasn't you. The girl was more my type anyway: Asian and super thin-"
"Blasian Persuasion. I remember that."
"...but I couldn't stop looking at you. Your face when she was going down, it did something to me that shouldn't happen with family," Ryan shut his eyes, and his chest was moving up and down quickly, "I feel so bad. I'm no better..."
"Hey hey..." Alex leaned out of her chair, brushing a stray hair away from Ryan's closed eyes, "You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's natural to wonder about those things. If I had a family member who was in porn, I'd look them up too."
Ryan chuckled weakly, "Don't try to make me feel better. This is different."
"Oh really? Why do you say that?"
"When I started my divorce process, I was in a really bad place. Feels like I still am sometimes. But, what cheered me up wasn't my friends or going out to parties. It was seeing you in those videos, and gathering bits and pieces of your personality through them."
Alex's heart skipped a beat.
"...I know they're all scripted, but you can still tell the kind of person you are. So funny...I remember in one, you thought the camera didn't catch you rolling your eyes after gagging on this guy's cock, and then you peeked back and acted all normal again. You also do this thing with your tongue where you wiggle the tip of it along the guy's slit. Most girls just lick it, but you dip into it like you're about to touch a frozen pole. It was so cute, and signature to you."
"Ryan..." the woman brushed away his hair long ago, but her hand was still placed along his head. All this time he was talking; he kept his eyes closed. "You are the best actor ever..."
"Hmm?"
"All this time, you've been acting like the perfect gentleman," she curled her mouth mischievously, "But from what you're telling me, you're the biggest creep of them all."
Ryan's eyes opened, his slurring words sinking in, like his body went on autopilot to confess his sins, "No, I'm not like that. I swear! I just...I-I just-"
Alex's lips kissed Ryan's in a moment of impulsivity. She didn't trust that this was the right thing to do, but it was something she wanted to do. Something that she could pretend was acted upon because of the alcohol.
"G-grandma?"
"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, trailing a hand down Ryan's chest, "Some families kiss each other on the lips though."
"In France, yes...I don't know what to think about this."
"Am I really a comfort to you?"
"You are, but," Ryan shifted his eyes downward, "It's not right. I'm just lonely..."
Alex's hand cupped Ryan's crotch, feeling a light bulge. She kissed the younger man's temple, "Aren't we all?" and undid his jeans. Ryan watched as Alex unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper. His heartbeat was picking up speed.
"No, I can't. Not here..."
Ryan's briefs were the only thing blocking the eager grandma from fondling his penis full-on. She stared down at the underwear, flashing back to a time where she was buying a pack of diapers for her daughter's baby shower. Her face grew hot, and Ryan's hesitation appeared to have snapped her out of her trance.
"Please don't cry, Grandma."
"How can I not? I'm a monster..." she wiped away her own tear with the back of her hand, sitting back properly in her driver's seat, "You're family, and doing this would hurt our relationship."
Ryan's face soured with sorrow and confusion, glancing at his open fly and hardened erection.
