"She seemed like a very nice young lady," my grandmother said after hearing the story about my breakup with the girl I had been going steady with since we here in kindergarten, or so it seemed. "Alyssa was almost like part of the family."
It was true. We had been inseparable all through our teens, and then all of a sudden after we graduated from high school and were preparing for college, Alyssa decided that we should see other people. Since everybody around thought that we would end up married eventually, this news came as quite a shock, especially to me.
"Maybe I'll meet somebody nice at college," I said with little conviction, because I'm not all that good looking or personable.
Besides, I was still in love with Alyssa. My pouting had gotten so bad that my folks suggested I go keep my grandmother company, and while they said that they knew seeing Grandma always cheered me up, I think they just wanted to get rid of me, which is why I was at her house for the weekend.
"I know you will," Grandma said as she patted my hand. "But we can't have you moping around here all weekend like this. I have just the antidote for what's ailing you. A visit to the doctor is what you need."
"I'm not going to any doctor," I protested.
"Trust me Dennis," she said as she got up from the table and went over to the pantry. "Have I ever steered you wrong?"
I watched Grandma reach high, exposing her pink socks and still trim and shapely legs as her skirt rose a bit, and felt guilty about checking out my own grandmother like that.
"Whenever I'm down, I always consult with good old Dr. McGillicuddy," Grandma declared after returning to the kitchen table with a bottle.
"What's that?"
"It's lemon," Grandma said as she opened the bottle and filled a couple of shot glasses with it.
"It sure is," I agreed, because the smell hit me as she was pouring, and the bottle claimed it was Intense Lemon Drop Schnapps.
MY grandmother drinking? Who knew?
"Now we aren't going to me telling anybody about this now, are we Dennis?" Grandma asked, giving me that cute little smile as her eyes twinkled.
"Of course not," I assured her.
"It wouldn't do to have your mother finding out that I'm giving you alcohol," she said as she slid the shot glass across the table to me. "Even though it seems like if you're 18 and old enough to go to war, you should be allowed to drink."
"Besides, I bet you've done some drinking already, am I right?"
"Couple times," I admitted while looking at the clear liquid and the picture of Dr. McGillicuddy on the bottle. "Beer."
"Well, this is better than beer," Grandma said as she lifted her glass. "Now, down the hatch."
I couldn't believe what I was seeing as Grandma fired down that shot and set the glass down with a flourish.
"Well? You aren't scared are you?" Grandma asked.
I shook my head and raised the glass to my lips, the aroma almost making my eyes water, and tried to down the shot with as much bravado as Grandma had.
"Whoa!" I said after the lemon burned its way down my throat, and my grandmother got a kick out of watching my body shiver and my face contort.
"That's my boy," Grandma declared as she moved her chair close to me and gave me a peck on the cheek. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
"No," I lied, but even though it burned going down, after a moment I started to enjoy the feeling I got from it. "Kinda good actually."
"Let's have another," Grandma decided as she poured again. "It'll put hair on your chest."
"Goodness knows you have enough hair on your legs," she said, rubbing her hand on my thigh just below where my shorts ended. "You must have gotten that from your grandfather."
"Grandma!" I protested in jest, enjoying her teasing me like she had done for years, taking note of the way my body had changed and making me feel like a grownup long before I was.
"Too bad the bottle's almost empty," I said after we clicked glasses and drained them.
"You aren't embarrassed about drinking with your old Grandma?" she asked, and after I assured her that this was fun, she got up and got a full bottle out of the pantry.
"In that case, we're all set!" Grandma proclaimed as he set the bottle next to the nearly drained one. "Let the party continue."
***
"Did you and Alyssa ever - you know - go all the way?" Grandma asked. "Don't worry. I won't say anything to your folks. I'm just curious."
"Dennis?"
I had been staring at the picture of the good doctor on the bottle and the shrinking contents within it. I was all warm inside and feeling good, but I was having a little trouble concentrating, and just then realized that Grandma's hand was still on my knee, stroking gently.
She was always the touchy-feely kind of person, so this wasn't all that odd, but it bothered me that I was starting to enjoy it.
"Oh," I said as I remembered her question. "No. We didn't."
"Really?" Grandma asked as she gave me a dubious look.
"No, we didn't. I wanted to, but Alyssa wanted to save it until we got married."
"I'll bet you wish you had done it now though, right Dennis?" Grandma asked, and I nodded. "Of course, I'm sure you two did other things, right?"
"I guess."
"I'll tell you a secret," Grandma confided as she moved closer to me. "Remember the cookout your folks had last Labor Day? Well, I happened to see you and Alyssa back behind the garage"
"You did?"
"Yep! I saw you two kissing up a storm, and then she started grabbing your dingus through your pants."
"Oh jeez,"
"Too bad your mother started walking towards me or else I would have stayed to watch," Grandma said.
"Don't be embarrassed," Grandma said as my face burned from more than the schnapps. "Heck, I was young once myself. I wasn't always a dried up old bag, you know."
"You aren't anything like that and you know it," I said as I looked at my grandmother's hand on my thigh, and for her age, which was 60 something, she was pretty, always looking to me sort of like Beaver Cleaver's mother.
"You do ever do stuff to each other?" Grandma asked. "With your mouths?"
"Grandma?" I whined.
"Heavens, I remember the first time your grandfather - rest his soul - put his thing in my mouth. It was in the back seat of his car, and I was pretending that I didn't know how to do it, and he was patiently giving me directions."
"He didn't know that I had sucked about a half dozen of them before that!" Grandma cackled while squeezing my thigh. "I was a good actress that night, telling me how scared I was because his thing was so big, even though it really wasn't."
"You aren't embarrassed hearing me talk like that, are you Dennis?" Grandma asked. "I figured that now that you're a grown-up, we could have grown-up conversations."
"No, it's fine," I said, and I wasn't so much embarrassed as I was shocked as hearing Grandma say this stuff.
"I wouldn't want you to think I was disgusting or anything, and hate me."
"Of course not," I said, reaching over and putting my arm around her slender shoulders. "You know I always will love you. Actually, it's kind of neat thinking about you and Grandpa doing stuff like that."
"That's the way I felt when I saw you and Alyssa together," Grandma said, her lemony breath washing over me and she leaned next to me and spoke like there was somebody around to hear us. "I said to myself that Dennis is going to get his dick sucked by that little cutie. Was I right?"
"Probably," I said, not really remembering the specifics of that day.
"When she would suck your pecker, did she keep sucking all the way, or did she pull her mouth off before you shot your spunk?"
"No, she took it out and finished it by hand. Didn't like the taste," I mumbled.
"Her loss," Grandma decided. "How about you? She had a hot little body on her. Perky little breasts. You ever go down on her?"
I nodded and started to feel a little dizzy, and I felt Grandma's hand on my shoulder to steady me in the chair.
"Girls today - a lot of them shave the hair between their legs? Did Alyssa? No? Good," Grandma said. "Your grandfather would have shot me if I ever did that. Heck, when we were dating he even had me let the hair under my arms grow. That was my hippie period. You should have seen me."
I laughed as Grandma raised her arms, and it was funny to picture that, since Grandma's underarms were always so pale and smooth.
"I think my baby has had enough to drink," Grandma declared, and although I protested that I was fine, she wasn't having any backtalk.
"Let's get you to bed," Grandma said, and she helped me down the hall even though I could have done fine by myself. The only time I wobbled was when I started to go into the guest room.
"This way Dennis," Grandma said as she kept me going down the hall. "Grandma's going to have to keep an eye on you so you don't hurt yourself in the night."
So I kept going down the hall, herded by my grandmother into her bedroom.
"You get ready for bed now. Dennis," Grandma instructed before leaving the room. "I'll be right back."
Grandma went off to the bathroom, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was sitting on the edge of my grandmother's bed in my grandmother's bedroom. I was buzzed but was aware enough of my surroundings to realize that something was going on that was out of the ordinary.
***
"You're still dressed?"
I had been daydreaming, staring at a doll on my grandmother dresser, when Grandma appeared in front of me. She was wearing a little white nightie and nothing else.