As a 42 year old professional soccer player, Natalie thought the new rules and procedures for drug testing were comically insane. Several of the proposals were a complete invasion of privacy. Every athlete in the industry agreed, but the frequent cheating and doping scandals made the stringent rules a necessity.
It couldn't all be true.
Could it?
There were murmurs and whispers during locker room discussions that some of the new regulations were just scare tactics. After all, the testing Agency never uses all of its tools; they pick and choose what they want to do, and who they do it to.
Natalie's turn was on a Monday morning, just as the rest of the soccer team was arriving. As usual, banter was light and laughter was constant. It was a tight-knit group of high energy women.
Being the oldest woman on the team meant she always had to lead by example. For the most part, that meant always showing up early, working hard, and maintaining discipline.
She was already in her soccer jersey and running shoes when two men appeared just outside the locker area; one of them held a container bag.
Natalie laughed while speaking to a friend, unaware of the new arrivals.
"Is that Leo?" a midfield player asked while completely topless. "I mean, is that
your
Leo?"
Natalie smiled at her son's direction. "He's been doing this for months now. It's part of his new job."
"Yeah, with the enemy."
"At least the Agency pays well," she replied, defending her son.
"Your son is kinda hot. Whoever's getting tested today should consider herself lucky."
Natalie winked at her friend. "You think my son is hot? I can tell. Your nipples are rock fucking hard."
"My nipples? Yours are like small erasers, lady."
"I don't flaunt them around when they're erect," Natalie quipped.
The midfield player shrugged. "My testosterone is high from all those calisthenics. Plus, Leo has good genetics. Just like mom."
"Ugh, don't remind me that my son is here to drug test someone. I better go find out what's happening. I'll see you on the field. And make sure you wear a bra or else everyone will be distracted by your chest pokies."
The woman pinched her own left nipple. "I've never heard anyone complain about them. They're our good luck charms!"
Natalie patted her friend on the butt and walked towards the two men, who were speaking with the coach.
*
Dressed in her soccer uniform, she interrupted the trio as they conversed. Suddenly, there was silence as she stood in between them, eager to find out more about her son's plans.
"Well this is awkward," the Coach said.
Natalie laughed. "You're telling me."
"In all my years on the job, I've never had this happen before. The thought never even crossed my mind."
"That a player's son will be testing someone?"
"Actually, that
you'll
be the one tested," the Coach smiled. "By your son."
Leo tried not to blush. "Rules are rules."
"You've got to be kidding me," Natalie replied.
He gestured to his storage bag. "This looks pretty real, doesn't it?"
"That better be a lunch for me," she teased.
He smiled, "I definitely have some containers with your name on it."
"Hmmm... nothing refuels me like a steak sandwich and a salad, with a cup of freshly squeezed juice. But I'm sure that isn't the case. Is it?"
He held up the storage bag to show its lightness. "Sadly, these containers are empty. Which means you'll have to fill them."
"Ah, so they've actually sent my own son to do their bidding. Just when I thought the Agency couldn't get any lower."
"Oh, come on. You know everything is done on a random basis. Look on the bright side, you know a lot of the Agency testers are rigid assholes. At least with me, you'll have some flexibility."
She jokingly glared at him. "Let's get this over with. Practice starts in half an hour."
"We'll be done way before that."
"We better be."
Together they walked across the locker room area. What made this especially awkward was that Natalie had shown her son around this place countless times in the past. She used to bring him to the gym and soccer field all the time when he was younger.
Now, this visit was purely professional, as they walked past all the women preparing for their workout.
"Drug test, bitches!"
the young and exuberant goalie shouted.
"Quick, everyone hide your gear!"
The other players laughed, realizing that Natalie's son was collecting her samples. Over the past several months, they had teased her about the possibility and some had even mentioned that they would love to be tested by him.
"Hey Natalie, go easy on your son!"
joked a forward player.
A defender chimed in.
"Aren't mothers supposed to teach their sons about potty training? Not the other way around!"
Giggles and snickers echoed in the locker room. Natalie loved the camaraderie of these fantastic women. They were all like sisters to her, even while she displayed her middle finger to them.
"Very funny, ladies," Natalie taunted her teammates. "With the new rules, your day is coming soon. And for the record, I have nothing to hide from anyone. 42 years old and all-natural."
She lifted a sleeve of her soccer jersey and proudly flexed a bicep. Women in their 30's applauded Natalie's statement, while the women in their 20's laughed it off.
*
They made their way to a private bathroom and locked the door. Once Leo put the storage bag on the counter, they were face to face, and Natalie couldn't help but find humor in the situation. Surely this had the making of a great comedy movie.
With one hand defiantly on her hip, Natalie held out her other palm and arched an eyebrow, as if to challenge her son's authority.
"Alright, hand me the cup," she said like a scolding mother. "Turn around and I'll give you a sample. I don't mind if you listen. Rules are rules, aren't they?"
Leo gently blushed. "I'm sorry, mom. The rules have changed. Did you read the new guidelines that were sent to you?"
"Of course I did."
"Did you read them all... carefully?"
Natalie knew something was wrong. Although she was a demanding and totalitarian mother, their relationship had always been loving and playful. That was what made them so close, living together all those years.
The fact that her son was so serious at a moment like this was disconcerting. She fully expected Leo to make immature jokes about how awkward this situation was for them, just like her teammates had.
"What are you saying?" she asked. "That those new guidelines are actually official?"
"Starting today. You're the first on this team to be tested under the new, rigorous standards. There are several other of these surprise tests being administered around the country as well."
Natalie shook her head. "You realize that a lot of these standards might not hold up in court, right? They seem grossly unconstitutional."
"I understand," he replied. "But someone has to file a lawsuit first."
"What if I refuse to take this new test? I've heard rumors that some women are moving forward with litigation. I'd like to wait until after a court gives a ruling."
"Then your refusal will be regarded as a failure of the examination and you will receive an automatic 2-year suspension."
Natalie gasped. "Don't talk to me like a bureaucrat. Talk to me like I'm your mother."
"Okay, this new test is bullshit, but it works. It's super intrusive, but statistically accurate. That's why they moved forward with the rollout. I mean, you saw those hearings in Congress about drug abuse in sports. So, who should the agency fear more? Angry players or the Federal government?"
She knew her son was right. This was not the time to make a stand. The Agency was a heavily bureaucratic entity and was known for being merciless.
Trying to fight this was useless. At her age, sitting on the sidelines during a legal battle would effectively end her career. She had maybe two good years left before younger players would outclass her. Soccer was her passion. She had already won championships and earned medals, but she wanted to retire on top. When she'd leave, it would be on her terms, not mired in a legal dispute.
She had to do this. Even if it meant submitting to her son.
"Fine," she said, her chin up. "I'm willing to sacrifice our boundaries. It'll only be a few minutes, right?"
He nodded, hesitantly. "Depending on how everything goes."
"Okay, I can live with that. What do you need me to do today?"