I had not been able to stop thinking about him for several months. Which was not surprising since I had been devoting most of my time to him. Although who could blame me? I hadn't known hardly anything about him up until then. Maybe I should give some background.
I am, what I'd like to consider, a mostly full grown woman of 18. I'm still in high school, working part time, enjoying the privileges of my first used car, and have lived with my mom for all of my life. I'd never really been told anything about my father. From what I have managed to wrestle out of my mom, he, and me too, if the truth be told, was a mistake in her life that she never wished would ever be brought up. I believe it's because of that, that since I turned 18, she has had even far less to do with me then ever before. She's constantly working over time and spending as little time at home as she can. Which really doesn't bother me. We've never had a close relationship anyway.
Since I've always been almost a complete opposite of my mom, I began to think that I must take after my father. I've always also felt that something was missing in my life. I was the tom-boy growing up. Into whatever the neighborhood boys were. Always proving I was just as tough, that I could do just as much. But inside was always the little girl in me, that wanted, and so desperately needed, a daddy to cuddle up to and make me feel loved.
That's why about 6 months ago I started spending all of my free time on the internet, searching for anything I could find on my father. However, after two months and hardly anything to show for it, I was disappointed and afraid I'd never find anything at all on him. It was just a week later that I would get my break. The one I'd been waiting 2 months, or really, my whole life for. I already knew his name, so finally I found an address listing along with an e-mail address for him! I couldn't believe my luck. Right away I sent off an e-mail explaining who I was and why I was contacting him. I was realistic though. I mean come on, the guy hadn't had anything to do with me in 16 years so there must have been a reason. He probably never wanted anything to do with me, and I was as much of a mistake to him as I was to my mother.
Two days later I received a reply. He said that he never even knew about me. He remembered my mom, but said that he had only dated her a few months, and then she had suddenly broken off all contact with him almost 19 years ago. We continued to correspond through e-mail for about two weeks. He seemed genuinely surprised at his finding out that he had a daughter. He then gave me his online screen name and we started chatting through instant messengers.
All the spare time I had, I spent on the computer, both at school and at home, talking with him at his work and home. He lived about an hour away from me. Not very far but with my schooling and part time job it was still too far for me to travel to meet with him. And because of my mom, him coming to see me was out of the question. But finally school ended for the summer, and I had some time saved up from my job for a week's vacation, so we made plans to meet then.
I was a little apprehensive. Maybe he wasn't really my father at all, but just some guy from the internet who wanted to lure me to his house. But I also knew I had to find out for sure. The drive to his house was the longest hour of my life. A million questions were running through my mind. What would he be like in person? Would he like me? Would all of this become too real for him, and he change his mind about wanting a relationship with me? On the computer he seemed laid back enough. He let me say whatever I wanted. He never really asserted any type of fatherly authority over me. But then again he didn't have any other children (that he knew about) and I was almost grown so there wasn't much he could say.
I followed his directions that he had given me, and found his house with little trouble. He lived out in the country, about 20 minutes from the nearest town. That in itself was something that made me feel more of a connection to him, because I'd always preferred life outside of town myself.
I was so nervous I almost thought about turning around and going back home. But then I'd have to explain to my mom what I was doing back. I had told her I was going on a road trip with friends. She still didn't know anything about me finding my father. I quickly decided against that and pulled into his drive way. Gathering all the courage that I had, I got out of the car and started up the walk. At the door I took one last deep breath and knocked.
The door opened and I timidly asked "Daddy?". He stared at me hard for what seemed like hours, but could only have been a few seconds, then he smiled and held out his arms to me. I flew into them and hugged him as tight as I could. His arms felt so strong and secure around me. We finally broke the hug, and then he invited me in. and we spent the rest of the afternoon and evening talking, laughing, and even a little crying together. That night he showed me to the spare room that was now my room he said for as long as I wanted it. I hugged and kissed him goodnight and then laid down. I was so content, and so worn out from all the emotions I had gone through during the day, that I fell asleep in no time.
The next few days were much the same. Finding out how much we shared in common. His want of always having a daughter, and then to finally find out he really has one. He had been married briefly a few years after dating my mom, but that hadn't lasted very long. And no children had resulted from it. We spent every waking hour together. I helped him around the house doing his chores with him. Trips into town, meeting some friends of his. He seemed to want to show me off to the world and I of course didn't mind in the least. I was satisfied just being with him.
The night before the day I was suppose to leave was hard for me. I had just found my Daddy, and after this, night I was going to be leaving him again. We were sitting in the den watching television together, when I brought up the subject. "I'm going to be leaving tomorrow Daddy" I told him. "I know baby," he said, "but now that we've found each other, you know nothing will tear us apart again." I knew it was true, but I just didn't want to face leaving him, and going back to my life, and have to pretend I'd never met him.
Tears started welling up in my eyes, and I told him how much I'd enjoyed this week I'd had with him, and that I wished it'd never end. "I don't want it to end either my sweet girl, but it's late, and you have a drive ahead of you tomorrow, it's time for bed" he told me. "But Daddy can't we stay up late tonight? Please?" I begged him. Daddy stared hard at me, "Little one, I said it's time for bed." I knew I shouldn't have questioned him. Daddy was still as laid back as always, but I had also learned enough not to question him, or back talk him. Daddy walked me to my room, and I was still upset about having to leave him in the morning. I hugged him tightly at the doorway to my room, and then he surprised me. "Baby, you're so upset, you know Daddy hates seeing you this way, would you like to sleep in bed with me tonight?" he asked. I thought I was a little big to be sleeping in bed with my Daddy, but I'd never had it growing up and I took him up on the offer.
Daddy had a big king size bed in his room. I thought I'd get lost in it. Daddy went into the bathroom to change for bed, while I got myself comfortable on the right side of the bed. Daddy had already shut the lights off, so the only light was from under the door to the bathroom, which was connected to Daddy's room. I laid there thinking of how much I had grown to love my Daddy in the short week I'd had with him. He was still an attractive older man, and I wondered why my mom would have thrown away any chance at him. I certainly would never be like that, I told myself. My back was turned towards the bathroom door when I heard the bathroom door open, and light flooded the room for just an instant before he shut off the bathroom light.
