Fated

I had resisted going into any of the private study rooms at the library. Although I knew my concern was illogical, I was almost afraid that if I went into a study room, I would smell my musky arousal, a lingering sign of the illicitness of what had happened the previous week.

But, of course, one of my bosses asked me to go check on the study rooms on the sixth floor late in the day, because one of the Teaching Assistants from the Liberal Arts college had taken to holding his office hours there in an effort to get his students to spend time in the library researching for their end-of-course paper.

I saved

the

study room for last. I took a deep breath to calm myself before I entered and turned on the light. The room was empty, but the chairs were slightly in disarray and there was a stray pen on the table, indicating that this was the study room the Teaching Assistant had used earlier in the day.

And, in the corner, I "saw" myself, backed against the wall, my hands in a sign of surrender with my big brother's chest holding me in place, the front of my skirt raised by his arm as he thrust a pair of fingers violently into my body. I remembered and "watched" my arms suddenly wrapping tightly around him, my face buried into him, moving against the fingers which moved within me, riding my big brother's hand and breathing hard as my pleasure spiraled ever higher...

I quickly turned off the light and left the study room, my heart beating a little faster and my lungs attempting to match its increased pace. Yet I could not deny that I was moistening from the memories induced by simply standing in that very same study room, that private space where private matters could have easily been discovered.

...which was why, I realized as I headed toward the staircase, the experience in the study room as well as the night my big brother had teased me and then made love to me on the balcony of our apartment and also the recent Sunday drive during which I was openly masturbating in the passenger seat on a semi-busy highway all enthralled me so much: the possibility of discovery, the threat of being seen, the chance that someone other than my big brother might see me naked or might hear how much I enjoyed those sexual experiences.

It made me think of the spring, when I had been standing at a bus stop at sunset. Initially, I happened to look toward a nearby apartment complex, and I could not see through any of the windows. But as the natural daylight faded, I could see through the glass balcony door of one of the apartments and watched discretely, mesmerized, as a woman was pinned to the wall, a man driving himself repeatedly up into her body with incredible force, enough to momentarily lift her off her feet, her head thrown back in what would clearly have been powerful screams masked by the sounds of the traffic before me. I may as well have been a doe trapped by the allure of oncoming headlights, transfixed by the vision of two people enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. I had felt an incredible awe of and even a strange admiration for them, watching them enjoying each other, secretly wishing that I was in their position, that I was being pinned to a wall as someone who truly deeply loved me drove himself forcefully into my eager body while I clawed at his back and announced my desire to the world...

I understood at last. Finally, I could comprehend what my big brother enjoyed about having sex or at least being sexual in public places. It was the thrill of the illicit, of doing something which is typically hidden, of the possibility of being caught, of the attainment of carnal pleasure in places or in situations where such pleasures are never to occur according to the puritanical society.

Such thoughts remained with me for the rest of the shift and afterward on the way home. In my mind's eye, I relived that night on the balcony: wearing the lingerie with the slits in the bra cups and in the crotch of the panty, fully clothed yet fully penetrated by a forbidden phallus, screaming into my big brother's mouth, my soul full of the love being injected deep into me...

As soon as the apartment door was closed behind me, I dropped to my knees, braced myself with a hand against a wall, and lifted my skirt and pulled aside the crotch of my thong and masturbated furiously, bringing myself to climax several times while envisioning my big brother forcefully taking his pleasure from me while a young college student stood at a nearby bus stop, looking up and discretely watching us publicly sharing our private carnality.

"You're gonna make love to me on the balcony tonight," I announced as soon as Eric had returned from the office, even before he had closed the door to our apartment.

He did, twice, and we were both satisfyingly exhausted when his alarm clock sounded in the morning.