A fantasy is one thing and that "one thing" is not reality. A fantasy is total imagination and mental stimulation with emotional substance but nothing tangible. This is why fantasy will always exist: as humans, we seek to achieve, we see to arrive but we also know that fantasy is inherently unreal and cannot be made to mesh with reality... It's one of the reasons the brain is the most powerful erotic organ. Even though a brain will never do the physical penetration or be the physical vessel that is penetrated, it is what drives the physical actions; without the brain, the physical doesn't happen. All of this being said: I have a fantasy.
I come from a small family and each of my direct relations is gorgeous. My mother used to model, my father is the epitome of rugged masculinity, my brother modeled and is absolutely beautiful. I hate how I look but I've been told I'm extremely attractive – I doubt it but I'm a girl with low self esteem so maybe they're right... doubt that too. Let's just say that I come from good stock. I do not want and have not ever wanted to have sex with any of my relatives. I do, though, have a fantasy (with multiple variations but one steady theme). In this fantasy, I am touched romantically, forcefully, or surprisingly, by my brother, father or uncle. In these imaginings my brother is not my brother, my father is not my father and my uncle is not my uncle... but they are male relatives in these fantasies with one of those three specific relationships to me. When I fantasize along these lines, I cum harder, more frequently and for longer periods than with any other fantasy. Just a little bit ago, I came four times in the span of 30 minutes... and here is why...
I sit at a dinner table in a formal dining room – it's obviously a family gathering & I know it is my house, even though it doesn't look like my actual home. I see relatives all around the table eating, drinking, talking, laughing... some can be seen in other rooms standing & drinking, chatting or watching TV. Under the table, I feel a hand lightly placed on my thigh and I freeze, not looking at whose hand it is. I already know. I have a t-shirt and skirt on. I know my nipples are hard and showing through my shirt because they're almost always hard and with 36Ds it's really tough to not be aware of them, not to mention women's clothes are often made to sexualize the person wearing them so you can't do much but show what you have unless you want to wear a muumuu or a pup tent... and while my self esteem is low (even in fantasies), I don't choose to hide – just to hate myself. The hand is resting on my mid-thigh, the index finger pressing rhythmically as if to apply a tiny massage. My breathing is slightly shallower than normal. My cheeks are a bit flushed and I hope anyone looking my way thinks I'm just a bit warm because of all the people in the house.
I'm still holding my fork but it's resting on my plate with food on it that probably won't make it to my mouth.
The fingers move gently on my inner thigh & I can feel myself tense in a place that has very little to do with a family gathering. A tingling sensation travels up the right side of my neck to my ear and my nostrils flare for an instant. My brain isn't exactly functioning properly: instead of figuring out how to get up and walk away without anyone thinking it odd or instead of figuring out which utensil would serve best as a weapon, I'm thinking about how to make sure nobody sees what's happening and I am attempting to not enjoy the touch on my inner thigh as it cautiously moves up my leg. My legs are so tense I can feel a tremor as I do my best not to gasp or whimper.
I lick my lips, swallow hard and bite the inside of my lower lip as the hand comes to a halt, making my eyelids flutter – not that I am seeing anything around me anyway. His pinky is resting on the fabric of my panties, ring finger nestled gently in the place where the side of my panties touches my upper-most, inner-thigh. The palm of his hand presses my thigh as each finger flexes wherever it is, pressing fingertips into flesh. I take a ragged breath, trying to calm myself, very much afraid yet unwilling and unable to move. I'm ashamed as much because this is a family member as that I am not moving, cannot move and that I am actually enjoying being touched.
There's warmth between my legs and heightened sensory intake wherever air touches my skin. The hair on my arms prickles, I can feel every movement of air in the room on the back of my neck, my cheeks burn, my lips seem to be drying too quickly and I lick them again.
The pinky is pressed firmly against my panties while ring finger moves a fraction of an inch and applies pressure to the side of my clit. I shudder and realize my eyes were closed while my mouth was open. I reverse this, opening my eyes and closing my mouth, clench my jaw, swallow and glance around. Nobody is paying attention and I'm not sorry.
I move my leg slightly so there is more space for his hand. He doesn't move, he doesn't take advantage. Did I do something wrong? Finally, for the first time, I turn and look at my uncle sitting next to me. He's looking across the table at my brother and I realize he's carrying on a conversation and eating. Oh my god... I can't breathe or think and he's able to act as though this isn't happening. He squeezes my thigh and glances at me. His smile is an uncle's smile. He isn't looking at me like a lover, a boyfriend, like someone who should be touching me like this. I look away. I hear him talking to my brother again and I know I'm blushing. I feel him reposition his hand slowly, probably so it's not apparent above the table if someone looks. I've hooked my feet around the legs of my chair without realizing it.
Sharp intake of breath as his ring and middle finger massage my vagina through the panties. I'm drenched and find myself thinking about how I'll get up and to the bathroom as soon as possible when he stops... but not thinking about making this stop. I don't know if I'll make a spot on my skirt and I hope I don't but I'm not so sure. I concentrate on my breathing; my mouth is simultaneously dry and producing much more saliva than normal. I can actually feel the pulse in my neck. I try to smile at my cousin in the other room, reaching out of this solitary cube of space encompassing him and me... but she doesn't see me anyway. The fingers haven't left. I feel his middle finger hook and my hips rock themselves forward of their own volition, my body wants his fingers inside it, my mind is screaming and swooning in the same thought. His fingertip is pushing the fabric of my panties inside me.
In one quick move, I close my legs and push back the chair. I don't feel his hand as I smooth my skirt down, then reach for my plate and walk into the kitchen. I can't quite catch my breath and don't want anyone in the kitchen with me in case I faint. It's empty.
Scrape the plate... scrape the plate... turn on the faucet... rinse the plate... find a place for it in the dishwasher... oh my god I'm wet... close the dishwasher and stand up... look outside, breathe deeply, for Christ's sake, breathe deeply... nothing happened – you just imagined it... but don't go back in there, just in case... look at the sky out the window... close your eyes... catch yourself, calm down.
I walk to the den and stretch out on the empty couch, a pillow under my head and another held against my abdomen. Not sure what's on but it doesn't matter, I'm looking at it but not watching. I realize nobody is in here with me – that's good and bad. Someone walks by but I don't look up. One of my cousins tells a joke and people laugh – things are normal, just watch TV.
Oh fuck, that's him. He's standing in front of me, holding a glass of wine and talking to someone on the other side of the couch. I freeze again. I hear people talking but I can't focus on anything. He says something to me but I have no clue what it is – probably asks what I'm watching.
All of a sudden, he's sitting on my couch with my legs draped over him. How did that happen so fast? It's quiet in here, like everyone is suddenly in another house, not this one, and definitely not just a few feet away in other rooms.
