Family Tree

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*

"I really don't think you should be smoking in your condition," Mike reached for her cigarette and got his hand swatted away.

"Get away from me, you fucking commie!" Pearl had another fit of coughing.

"Grandma!" Mike looked at Andrea, squinting.

"He's just concerned about you, Grandma Pearl," Andrea looked uncomfortable.

"Who are you again? Is this another one of your bimbo's, Lance?" Pearl gave Andrea a once over. Tall, thin, long dark hair, and probably wearing one of those commie designer brands that she couldn't pronounce. "She looks like Jilly, only with no hooters!"

Andrea's jaw hit the ground.

"I'm Mikey, Grandma, not Lance. And that's my fiancée? Andrea? You met her at Grandpa's funeral. You said she was a nice girl." Mike felt Andrea's penetrating stare burning a hole in his back.

"Well what the fuck do I know?" Pearl flicked her cigarette off the porch and reached for her pack of Camel's.

"You really shouldn't flick your cigarette butts out here. You could start a fire!" Andrea quickly shuffled into the tall grass to stomp out the half-smoked cigarette, waving her arms at her side to keep her balance in her high-heeled shoes.

"I don't like her. And I don't like this place. I wanna go home," Pearl stared out at the tree line as she lit her third smoke in fifteen minutes.

"What are you talking about, Grandma? This was your idea! Getting everyone to agree to come up here was like pulling teeth!" Mike objected.

"My idea? It most certainly was not!" Pearl adamantly exclaimed.

"You said you wished you could get the family together for something other than a funeral. And I thought about that, and I made it happen. The whole Donovan clan, up at the old cabin just like when we were kids. I thought you of all people would be ecstatic!"

"When you said you were taking me somewhere for a special surprise, I thought we were going for brunch at Denny's! You drug a sick old woman out to this old dump for what again?" Pearl flicked her cigarette towards Andrea, disappointed that it didn't hit her.

"Grandma, the drive didn't seem a little long to be going to Denny's? Do you usually pack a bag for that?"

"When you turn eighty-seven, let's see how good

your

comprehension skills are. Don't you sass me!"

"But you love this place! You and Grandpa saved for years to buy this cabin so the family would have a place to gather. You guys always said you were gonna come live out here when he retired, in peace," Mike breathed in the scent of the pine trees and cast his gaze down the hill towards the calm water of the lake.

"And look how that turned out," Pearl droned. "Goddamn socialist commie's and their bureaucratic bullshit. We never had a chance."

"Um...yeah. I always loved coming out here. It's beautiful," Mike quickly changed the subject. "So many memories. It wasn't easy talking Andrea into coming up here. She's not the out door type."

Pearl cackled until she began to cough. "I can tell

exactly

what type she is. You're a wimp, Mikey. Now take me home. I don't want to be here."

Mike knew to ignore comments like that. To say anything in reply was to invite more of the same. "But Grandma! The whole family is coming!"

"The whole family? Since when do any of those fuckers ever come up here? It's not like your grandfather and I didn't try to get you guys together, every year, and all of you had your excuses. What a waste. We should have bought a timeshare in Las Vegas. Then you all would've come and seen us. The bunch of sinful heathens' you are."

"Awwww, Grandma, you don't mean that," Andrea chimed in, as she carefully waded through the grass back towards the old wood cabin. "We really want you to have a ahhhhh!"

Pearl burst out into laughter as Andrea twisted her ankle and went face first into the ground.

"Sweetie? Are you ok?" Mike hurried to help his fiancée up from the dirt.

"Damn it, Mike! I fucking hate all this...this...wilderness shit! Look at my dress! Two thousand dollars, Mike! This is such a stupid idea!" Andrea fumed, pushing him away as she tried to wipe the dirt off her Chanel dress.

"This is a forest, not a shopping mall, missy! Maybe you should dress for the terrain!" Pearl had to hold herself up on the railing as her fit of laughter continued.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie. But maybe you should go change," Mike wiped the sweat from his clean-shaven head. It was unusually hot for spring.

"Or maybe we should cancel this whole stupid fucking idea of yours! You see what happens, Mike? Do you see? I give you a chance to do something you want to do, and look how it turns out!"

"Sweetie, it's no big deal. It's just..."

"No big deal? No big deal? My fucking dress, Mike!" Andrea screamed. "Even your grandma hates this place!"

"Oh, I'm starting to like it again!" Pearl wheezed.

"Sweetie..."

"Just shut up, Mike. Shut, up, you idiot!" Andrea stormed towards the Range Rover, almost twisting her ankle again, and sat in the passenger seat, slamming the door and folding her arms in front of her.

Mike started after her, holding the thirty-four inch waistline of his pants to keep them from falling. Ever since he'd lost nearly a hundred pounds, he found that he lacked the broad ass he needed to hold his pants up without a belt.

"Don't be such a pussy, Mikey! You can't let that bimbo talk to you like that! Grow a pair!" Pearl shouted, halting him in his tracks.

"Grandma, could you be a little nicer, please?"

"I

am

being nice. She's lucky I don't pop her right in the kisser!" Pearl waved her dainty fist in the air.

Mike stared at his angry lover and then back at his fiery grandmother, not knowing what to do. "You wanna go home, Grandma? Fine, get back in the truck and I'll drive you home. Maybe you're right. This was a bad idea."

"What? Nonsense. We just got here. I'm staying."

Mike slouched and put his hand to his forehead. "Now you

want

to be here?"

"Come here, Mikey. Let her be for now," Pearl waved him over.

Mike walked back to the porch with the enthusiasm of a scolded dog.

"If you want my advice, throw her back and toss out another line. Plenty of fish in the sea."

"That's what you called me over here for? I love her, Grandma. Clearly you don't like her, but I have to do what's in my heart," Mike replied, watching as a grey mini-van approached up the long dirt road.

"Don't be a sap. That bimbo is a flaming bitch, and a whore, and you could do better if you had any balls. Are you sure we're related?" Pearl slapped him upside the back if his head.

"Grandma, I..."

Pearl shushed him. "Listen, Mikey. You're hopeless. Go marry the broad if you want. Just remember when you get divorced, that grandma told you better, ya

dumbass

. What I want to say is," she coughed, "I'm old. And sick. I won't be here for any more of these things."

"Well maybe if you'd quit smoking so much..."

"Hush. Is everyone coming up here?

Everyone

?" Pearl said, in as serious of a tone as Mike had ever heard.

"The whole family, Grandma, almost."

"Your cousin Jilly?" Pearl asked, hopefully.

"Jill is very busy these days," Mike said, diverting his eyes from Andrea's look of death. "Her job has her running around a lot. It's too bad because I

really

wanted to see her. I was hoping you could talk to her?"

"Jill has never been too busy for me. She's the only grandkid I have that still makes time to see grandma."

"Well, I would have come by more often but..."

"You've had your head up your spoiled princesses ass," Pearl cut him off again. "I'll call Jilly, she won't say no to me. What about Lance?"

"Lance?" Mike paused. "I don't think anyone wants to see Lance."

"No,

you

don't want to see Lance. Get over it. Blood is thicker than water."

"But..."

"I know what happened. I'm not the senile old bat you think I am," Pearl began digging for another smoke.

Mike's expression grew dark as he stared into the front seat of the Range Rover. Andrea caught his stare and her face quickly changed from angry to worried. "If you know, then how can you expect me to be around him? And for the record, I'm positive I'm

not

the only one who doesn't want him here. Jill, for example?"

"I beg to differ on

that

point. You need to understand that it wasn't personal. It wasn't right what he did, but things need to be resolved before I'm not around to fix them anymore. Be a good boy, Mikey. Call and invite him. And if he gives you any shit, you tell him that if he doesn't get his narrow ass up here this weekend, when I die, I will personally haunt him for the rest of his natural life, and I'll get Grandpa to help me!"

"Well, I suppose he can't say no to that. But just don't be mad if I end up punching him in the face," Mike pouted.

"You?" Pearl covered her mouth and fought back her laughter. It hurt to laugh. "I'll take my chances. Now go get my bags and bring them inside. I want to change before supper."

"Ok, Grandma," Mike reluctantly submitted as Pearl kissed his forehead.

"Hey, Mikey! Good to see ya!" A voice hollered from the grey mini-van that had parked behind his SUV.

"Hey aunt Vicki," Mike said, somberly, as the portly woman exited the vehicle with outstretched arms.

"You sure look like you're in a pissy mood," Vicki made her way around the Rover and gave Mike a hug.

"Grandma insisted that I call and invite Lance," Mike grumbled.

Vicki gave him a concerned look. "Lance? Oh."

"What?" Andrea rolled down the window, "You're not really going to call him are you?"

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

"Yeeeeaaaah! Yeeeeaaaah! Burn baby! Buuuuurn!"

Jill Donovan sighed and set down her hairbrush. She flung the bathroom door open and stared angrily at the naked, muscle bound freak standing in her hotel suite. "Can I ask, why you are still here?"

"Hey, babe. You got any protein shakes?" Johnny inquired from his squatting position, as he pulled the end of the dresser up to his chin.

"Does this look like a GNC? What the

hell

are you doing?" Jill placed her hands on her hips.

"I love to work out after sex. After I get all the juices flowing I just love to feel the burn!" Johnny grunted.

"And so you molest the furniture in my hotel room? Put the dresser down, please."

"What's up? You want some more of this? I'll wax that pussy all night, babe!" Johnny said, confidently.

"If I want it waxed, I'll go to a spa, thank you very much," Jill picked up his shirt, and kicked his underwear towards him. "Jack, Jim, whatever your name is, let me tell you what I like to do after sex -- that is if you can even call three minutes of grunting and gyrating like you're having an epileptic seizure,

sex.

I like to sleep.

Alone

," she shoved his shirt into his chest, "Good bye."

Jill strutted back into the bathroom and slammed the door. She returned to brushing her long, black hair as she tried to remember if she packed her favorite toy. The orgasm she'd promised herself tonight was still waiting to happen. But she had to get some sleep before her meeting in the morning, and the longer Joe, or John, or whoever-the-fuck, lingered, the less likely that orgasm became.

Jill looked at herself in the mirror and frowned. "You sure know how to pick the winners, Jilly girl."

Johnny was good looking, built like a tank, confident - cocky even, and as a bonus, he was packing a big surprise. And still he wasn't even good for the only thing she wanted from him, to be fucked,

hard

.

He was more into himself than her, trying for style points rather than just getting the job done. Had that clueless fucker actually stopped to look at himself in the mirror and fix his hair while trying to screw her, or did she imagine that part? She definitely hadn't imagined the way he kept looking down at his own dick and commenting on it's size as he slid it in and out of her slippery hole, like he badly wanted to take a picture of it. Things like that used to be funny - morning coffee banter with her girlfriends - but now they were just frustrating. Such was the story of her sex life.

Weren't men supposed to be the ones who hunted, and who conquered? What happened to the men who were just men? Jill wondered. It seemed like she'd assumed that role, and it felt desperate.

Jill was tired of trolling dive bars in every city to get laid. How pathetic was that? Her friends could go to the grocery store in sweat pants and a wrinkled T-shirt with no make up and get hit on. But

she

always had to make the first move. Guys would stare, but never speak until spoken too. And when they spoke they babbled like idiots. Why did she have to approach men like some cheap, desperate, slut just to get a piece?

It was her dad's fault. Those damn genes of his. He was probably the tallest man to never play pro basketball.

Being six feet tall, and female, had never been easy for Jill. Picked on as a kid, they used to call her Giraffe, Flag Pole, and Tree. And as an adult it seemed like she intimidated everyone, especially men. They looked at her like an Amazon. She saw the lust they had for her, but also the fear. But what the hell were they so afraid of?

Women weren't much better. But at least they usually had the guts to approach her. Being pursued was something she enjoyed immensely. But when it came to the sex, they all seemed to have the expectation that she'd be the dominant and aggressive lover that she herself wanted to be taken by. Jill had no desire to wear the pants in any intimate relationship. She wanted to be made to submit, to be ravished, taken - by force even, to be conquered.

Jill untied the front of her robe and pulled it back, letting the silk fabric hang at her flanks. She traced the contours of her ample bosom with the tips of her long, manicured nails, admiring them. She turned sideways and let her robe slip off her shoulders as she ventured her hands further down her milky Irish skin, taking in her flawlessly curved silhouette in the mirror.

Not an once of fat existed on that tall frame of hers, something her friends perpetually loathed her for. At least daddy's DNA had been good for something, she mused. She could eat like pig and not gain a pound, though she would've gladly traded her love of cheeseburgers for a Billy Blanks Tae Bo video if she could be a few inches shorter.

Jill loved her body, save for her height. Jill loved her penetrating green eyes, and her cute button nose, and her always shiny, soft, pink lips. Jill was all woman, phenomenal and goddamn sexy at that, even if she did say so herself. She just wished she could find someone who knew how to make her feel like one.

"Yo, babe?" Johnny pounded on the door.

Rolling her eyes, Jill swung the door open again, for a moment enjoying the hungry look he gave her as his eyes did a split second scan of her nudity. "You're still here? What!"

"Oh, uh, your phone rang so I answered it. It's some chick named Pearl," Johnny was fixated on her quickly hardening nipples.

Jill's mouth hung open in amazement. "Some chick? That's my grandmother you fucktard! You answered my personal cell phone? Are you fucking stupid? How dare you invade my privacy! Get the fuck out!" Jill snatched the phone from him and slammed the door.

"Grandma?" Jill fumbled the phone as she tried to put her robe back on.

"Hey, pumpkin. Who was that?"

"Nobody, Grandma."

"A man answers your phone and you tell me it's nobody?"

"Just a friend."

"A friend? Uh huh. Who are you talking too?"

"Um...so how have

you

been?"

"What's this about you not coming out to see the family this weekend?"

"Grandma, you know I'd love to see you, but I've been so busy lately. My job, you know?"

"Too busy to come and say goodbye to a dying old woman?" Pearl was silently laughing on her end of the phone. "You know, this will probably be my last family reunion. There isn't much time left." Pearl began to cough, purposely, until she couldn't help but cough for real.

"Oh my god, Grandma! What's wrong?" Jill felt her eyes begin to water. "Are you ok? What's happening?"

"Oh aren't you sweet. You know you were always my favorite. I've been sick for some time now, as you know. And since Mikey was dear enough to put on one last family get together this weekend, I was just hoping to get one last look at everyone before I get to go to be with Grandpa again."

"I hate it when you talk like that," Jill wiped her tears on her sleeve, "I can't imagine you not being here anymore. Please tell me you're just playing a trick on me like last time?"

"Sorry, pumpkin. But I feel it coming. I know you're a busy girl with that fancy job of yours. I'm so proud of you, Jilly. I just wanted to see your beautiful smiling face again is all. But don't trouble yourself. If you can't make it, I'll just have to hang on a little longer...if I can."

"Awwww, I'm coming grandma! Mike didn't tell me you had gotten worse. And why didn't you tell me? You know I would have come and stayed with you!"

"I just don't want to be a burden. I've had my time, it's your world now. I'm just a frail old woman waiting for my chance to see my husband again. I'm no one important anymore," Pearl cringed, realizing she was laying on the guilt a lot thicker than needed. Surely Jill was smart enough to see through this.

"That's ridiculous! I'm coming to see you no matter what you say!"

"Well, I can't stop you. Just don't trouble yourself on my account. I'm sure everyone wants to see you again. Mike is here, and some bimbo he brought with, your aunt Vicki, aunt Patti, June, Uncle Sammmy, Jeffrey and the boys, a few others," Pearl paused to clear her throat, "And I heard the ever elusive Lance might even make an appearance."

Jill nearly dropped the phone. "Lance is coming? Are you sure?" Her eyes began racing around the room.

"So I hear, anyhow."

"Oh, that's, um, nice, I guess," Jill shot out of the bathroom and ran into the hallway. Johnny was just stepping into the elevator. She ran down the hall holding her robe closed in the front, pushing through the stairway door with her shoulder and trotting down the stairs.

"Yes, it is nice. Wouldn't it be nice to see Lance again? Lord knows, for sometime I thought he might be dead."

"I think he sort of wanted it that way, Grandma. I'm a little surprised that he'd suddenly decide to show up again. And everyone else is ok with him being there? Even Mike?"

"Forgive and forget I always say. Except for those commie bastards that stole Grandpa's pension!"

Jill flew out of the stairwell into the hotel lobby and chased Johnny out the revolving doors into the brisk night air as a handful of stunned hotel workers watched her intently. "Well, I'm coming out, Grandma, I promise. But can I call you right back? I'm kind of in the middle of something!"

"Ok, pumpkin. Talk to you soon," Pearl grinned as she hung up the phone.

"Uhhh, Joe!" Jill hollered after him, but he kept walking down the near empty street. "Jack! Jeff! John?"

Johnny finally turned around, looking at her quizzically.

"You don't look like a John," she mumbled to herself as she approached him. "So, um, I was wondering, do you have any plans for this weekend?"

Johnny gave her a suspicious glance. "Maybe, why?"

"Do you like cabins?"

"Cabins? Like, in the woods?"

"No, like in Times Square, you fucking clown!

Yes

in the woods!"

"Look, babe. You're hot and everything, but you're a little too bitchy for my taste," Johnny turned and started walking away.