I wasn't sure what to do. I was in turmoil. This was serious; for God's sake this was my Dad. Dad, who had sat me on his lap; bathed me; read me stories; tucked me up at night with a kiss. Yet now here we were in the middle of nowhere and about to get it on. What the hell were we doing? How the hell did we get to this? I felt his hands on my body; pulling at my shirt; pulling the buttons open; my bra strap falling from my shoulder; his warm hand on my breast. I closed my eyes and felt my nipple harden at his touch; oh God I wanted him so much but this was wrong -- wasn't it?
**
'Suzie! Suzie! Where the hell are you?' Dad shouted. 'Come on we have to go otherwise the traffic will build up.'
I grabbed my hastily packed bag and ran down the stairs. 'I'm here Dad. Keep your hair on -- well what little you have!' Dad looked at me and scowled.
'Yeah. Very funny Sweetpea. Just get in the car will you?'
I threw my bag in the back of the car and jumped into the passenger seat. 'At last!' Dad sighed and started up the motor.
The traffic was building and it took us longer to get out of Edinburgh than we had thought. The rush hour traffic was horrendous and navigating Haymarket at this time was not what Dad had wanted. The air was blue with his cursing -- mostly directed at me. I just ignored him and studied the map. Once we had manoeuvred along the Corstorphine Road, we headed out into the Scottish countryside.
This was not a trip I was looking forward to. It was July and I had just finished my second year at University. Laura and Michael had planned a back-packers tour around Europe and had asked me along. I could have been in Paris or Brussels right now, I thought as we bypassed Stirling on the motorway. I could be flirting with some French waiter and having some of his 'Je ne sais quoi!' But no I had agreed to go on this road trip with Dad. Well the bottom line was I felt sorry for him. Mum had left two years ago to shack up with her yoga teacher -- I know what a cliché, I still burn with embarrassment when I think about it! Last year he had mostly found himself at the bottom of a whisky bottle but this year he had woken up. He had joined an art class at the local school and had taken it into his mind that a family road trip into the great unknown of the Scottish highlands was what he -- and we -- needed.
'That sounds great Dad. I'll make sure I book those two weeks off work.' This was my sister Judy in November. 'Oh Daddy, I just can't do it. I have to fly to Bangladesh to check on the factories.' This was Judy in June -- just two weeks before we were supposed to have our family get-away. I could have strangled her! We had agreed that Dad needed cheering up and that we would go on this trip to keep him happy and now she was calling off. I cornered her later on that night.
'Thanks, Judy! That's just great! I said no to a trip around Europe for this because we were all going and now you call off?'
'Sweetie, I can't help it! This is like a big promotion for me. If I get this right I could be buying in New York or Milan!'
'Judy, get a grip! You work for a no mark discount retailer -- you are not going to New York!'
'Suzie you are just so jealous of me. I'm glad I can't go on this stupid road trip. I just couldn't bear to be around you and your negativity.' Then she flounced off and I haven't seen her since. Bitch is probably cracking the whip over some poor Bangladeshi kids as we speak.
So it was just me and Dad. I wasn't really looking forward to it because Dad had been so weird lately. I know he had taken the split from Mum really badly and it had taken him a while to get over it. I had tried to spend as much time with him as possible but he had become really clingy recently. He was always sending me texts and buzzing me on Yahoo. I had told him to try some of the personal chat sites to keep himself occupied but I'm not sure if he did -- to be honest I didn't want to know! Anyway, he would turn up at my flat, unannounced, with bottles of wine and flowers and I would laugh and sit talking to him for hours. So yeah here I was in his car on the road to nowhere.
'Suzie, isn't it just beautiful?' Dad was looking at the vista that was Glencoe. Beautiful is sometimes not the word to describe Glencoe; awesome, inspiring, amazing and scary are all words that come to mind, but I humoured him.
'Yes, Dad, it's beautiful.'
'I think we should stop here Suzie. There's a little hotel just passed the bridge. Your mum and I stayed there once. It's a nice hotel and we can go walking in the mountains tomorrow.'
I looked at him. I wasn't impressed. Already he was going down memory lane. Oh shit this was going to be harder than I thought!
**
The hotel was indeed 'nice'. A bit twee with its tartan carpets and swag curtains, but the views over the loch were breathtaking. That night we eat in the restaurant looking out over the still loch as the sun set and sent a myriad of fiery lights over the water. Dad was very attentive and bought champagne, claiming that this was the very wine him and Mum had drank in this very spot.
'Dad?' I asked as we sipped on our coffee at the end of the meal.
'Yes, Sweetpea?'
'Dad, you have to stop thinking about Mum all the time. Just enjoy the holiday.'
'I know I should, Sweetpea, but you remind me of her so much. It's like she is here.'
'Oh Daddy, I don't look like Mum!'
'Oh yes you do! Those brown eyes and that soft brown hair. You are her image.'
Dad looked at me then and I saw his longing. I saw the love he had for this woman that had left him. Or was that passion for me? The thought sent shock waves through me. His clear blue eyes sparkled as they looked into mine...
