The end of the working week. Post a very satisfying dinner, the only sound better than the cracking open of my beer was the music of the title credits to my current favorite television show. I'd just settled into the armchair, put my feet up, and was about to take my first sip when Mom called my mobile.
"I think I need a new cell phone," she began, forgoing pleasantries. "It keeps coming up with a warning saying," she paused, "...wait a second." I heard the sound of her placing down the receiver of her landline then what I assumed was rummaging through her handbag. "Insufficient memory," she continued. "It's been slow for days now and half my apps won't even open!" She paused to take a breath and a smile came to my lips.
"Who is this?" I joked.
"Oh, stop it, you know it's me!"
"Alright, well hello to you too," I highlighted her impertinence before continuing. "I told you ages ago this would happen."
"But it's only about five years old," she argued and I snickered.
"Mom, that's a lifetime in tech years. Leave it with me, I'll look online, find one in your budget."
"Oh, I don't mind what it costs. Can we get it tonight?" She quickly added.
"Tonight!?"
"It's late-night shopping," she needlessly informed me. "Baby, my games aren't even opening!"
I looked at the paused opening scene of my show; my as-yet-untouched beer; and I suppressed a sigh that longed to come.
"Alright," I managed to smile. "Can't let you miss out on your games! Be there in twenty."
*
So, there I was. A thirty-two-year-old single man, walking alongside his mother on a Friday night through a crowded suburban mall. I looked at the generally young age of the shoppers around us and wondered what teenage Me would've thought about my life right now. The word 'sad' ultimately coming to mind. Grimacing at the thought, I changed my expression to a smile as my eye was caught by an impossibly attractive salesgirl working one of those annoying mid-aisle kiosks.
Young, blonde, and with a body straight from a NSFW website, she returned my smile before offering a flyer for her promotion.
"Win a Bahamas cruise," she declared and I politely shook my head when I noticed the banner behind her displaying the product she was advertising.
"Ooh, I like the sound of that!" Mom however wasn't so quick to dismiss the opportunity, reaching across in front of me to happily receive the pamphlet, causing us both to stop.
"Well, join our Bikini Club and you'll be well on your way to winning," the girl laughed at Mom's enthusiasm in the face of my apathy. "You've heard of Wet Waves?"
I had! What red-blooded male hadn't? Their appearances on the Home Shopping Network, legendary. YouTube clips of all the 'best bits' always worthy of a watch when 'in the mood.' Mom, however, I was sure, would have no idea of the micro and extreme bikinis the company was known for and I was ready to hasten her along to save us all from embarrassment when she answered.
"You know I have," she giggled, touching the bare arm of the promo girl gently in acknowledgment.
"Let me guess," the girl smiled. "The Home Shopping channel?" And Mom laughed in confirmation. "Well let me tell you about our Bikini Club promotion," she continued straight into her spiel. "For only $29.95 per month, you'll get two of our latest designs sent straight to your door, along with special gifts and promos. And of course, the chance to win the monthly cruise competition. It's an offer too good to pass up!"
Sadly, for the girl, it was where the sales pitch would come to an end. Mom didn't wear bikinis. In the moment I was struggling to even come up with the last time I'd seen her in a swimsuit, let alone go to the beach.
"Where do I sign!?" Mom laughed and to say I was shocked was an understatement.
"Fantastic," the girl ecstatically reached for a tablet from a podium beside her and I used the opportunity to talk some sense into my mother.
"Are you sure about this?" I turned to her. "You don't wear..." I paused, struggling to even say the word and the promo girl overheard my reticence.
"Oh, come on," she giggled. "Wouldn't you like to see your wife wearing something like this?" She emphasized her chest, her impressive breasts jiggling in the cups of a black bikini top, complimented by the tightest of leggings below, and given license to look I was mesmerized by the sight, only slowly registering her mistaken assumption.
"What?" I broke the spell. "We're not..."
"Oh goodness Dear," Mom again touched the girl's arm. "We're not married! He's my son," she laughed as she delved into her handbag for her purse. "I am flattered though," she added, before lifting her head with a frown.
"What is it?" I questioned, feeling my face blushing and wanting this whole interaction to be done with.
"I've left my purse at home!"
"Oh, that shouldn't be a problem," the salesgirl was swift to remedy the situation, hers along with Mom's doe eyes quickly falling upon me. "I'm sure your son can take care of it for you!"
"Would you Honey?" Mom questioned. "You can come on the cruise with me when I win!" She smiled, the promo girl broadly grinning, and I released the sigh that had longed to come all evening.
And so it was, along with a new phone, I purchased a bikini subscription (of all things) for my mother. Not just any bikini subscription either. Wet Waves. The most scandalous swimsuits on the market. Even the thought of Mom wearing anything by the company was troubling. But maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I was out of touch. Later that evening, simply out of curiosity I visited their website. Professional photos of their models in the patented micro bikinis, on top of amateur pics sent in by the customers. Women of all ages and body types wearing (and hardly wearing) the swimsuits. Half an hour later and two orgasms down, I left the site exhausted and made it back to my armchair and my tv show. The long-awaited beer happily washed away the zygote of an image that sparked inside my brain. Mom wearing a string bikini. I hoped to not think of it again.
*
"There's a catch," Mom began, as per usual, omitting a greeting as I answered her call.
"What are you talking about?" I put my phone on speaker as I set about preparing dinner.
"The Bahamas cruise," she explained and I had to search my brain to recall to what she referred. More than a month had passed since the night; we'd spoken on the phone but never concerning the swimsuits. "I was wondering if they'd published the names of the winners on their website and I discovered, I'm not actually entered," she said.
"Oh," I as well was surprised. "I thought it was automatic."
"So did I," she admitted. "But it seems to go into the running each month you have to send in a photo of yourself..." She paused as if to add drama. "...wearing one of their swimsuits."
That zygote of an image that I'd thought banished long before once more entered my head.
"Oh, so I guess you won't be entering," I surmised and was shocked at her response.
"Oh heavens no. I still want to enter!" She stated. "I've even tried to take a few photos," she divulged and the image developed, recollections of the amateur women on the site. "It's just they didn't turn out very well. I did it with the timer, and in the mirror, but it just looks terrible."
"Okay," I almost whispered, not liking where I thought this was headed.
"Well, I was wondering," she paused and I stopped my chopping of vegetables as I barely breathed. "...I mean if you wouldn't mind...?" Again, she paused and I let the silence linger. "I mean you're much better at taking photos with the phone than I am!"
I swallowed hard as I felt myself blush.
"You want me to take photos of you in...?" I couldn't even finish the sentence.
"Only if you don't mind?" Mom herself had unnecessarily lowered her voice.
It was then I had a moment of clarity. What was wrong with me? What was the big deal? I was behaving like an idiot. Juvenile. She was my mother. It was just a few photos. The glaring Freudian warning signs could fuck off. She clearly had little problem with the scenario, so why was I turning it into more than it was?
"Oh, don't worry about..."
"I'll do it!" I quickly committed, cutting her off.
"You will!?" I could hear the excitement in her voice and it made me feel pretty good about myself.
"Yeah, sorry I was just in the middle of doing something else," I explained away my silence, rightly perceived as hesitance. "Yeah, why not? When shall I come around?"
*
Mid-Saturday morning and the sun shone brightly as I opened the side gate and entered the back yard of my family home. I had a fleeting image enter my head of Mom upon the back lawn, slick with lotion and laying on a beach towel awaiting my arrival, gladly finding the yard empty and even the kitchen vacant as I entered the house announcing my presence.
Strangely, despite our arrangement, she seemed surprised to see me.
"Is it 10:30 already?" She commented as I met her in the hallway, hands holding her satin robe closed at her chest as she offered a perfunctory kiss on my cheek. "You know I'd forgotten all about today," she lied as I spied the tied bow of a pink bikini top hidden under her collar. Even as we parted I could see her breasts pushing out the triangular imprint of the bikini through the thin material, her nipples conspicuously rigid despite the warmth inside the house. Tearing my eyes away, I was happy when she headed back toward the kitchen.
"The money's there," she gestured to a wad of folded bills beside the fruit bowl and I understood it was for the phone and the subscription. "And I was thinking," she paused. "We don't have to do those photos today."