I saw this in a movie once and I always wanted to do it, but the guy from the movie, he had cancer. He wanted to do a video album of his life and what he went through dealing with the battle of cancer and it was an incredibly sad story. It drove me to tears. It was really really sad. I said I was gonna do the same.
Hey, No! Mind you, I don't have cancer and I'm never gonna get cancer and neither are you gonna get cancer. Do you believe in God? Then say amen.
So, this is a very simple thing. What I do is... I actually don't do anything. Am I just a wannabe director who also shot movies or maybe documentaries? No, really. I decided to do this thing where I set my camera, video myself and talk to whoever is watching about my family. My 'Christian' family.
I have a very interesting family. From time to time we throw parties, not the kind of wild, unholy parties where some drunk lady took her shirt off and there was usually a transgender around the corner. Sorry, I was talking about the kind of parties I usually ended up in. I should be talking about the kind of parties my dad and mom like to organize even when there is nothing really going on. They love dinner parties, you know, where all the members of the extended family come together and have a good time. It is often quiet and everyone leaves before midnight.
My mom is an ex-beauty queen. A very beautiful woman just in her mid-forties with a stunning body. My dad is an ex-civil servant who worked with the government. After he was done in over twenty years the only thing he could boast about were two houses he built over eighteen years. At least he never took a bribe, ever. He was a man of faith and he tried to bring up his family in the way of God.
The most interesting part of my family that you have to know about are my extended family members. Interesting people — Aunt Lara. In three years she had five marriages and in the fourth marriage, the wedding ceremony lasted longer than the marriage itself. She's incredible and in her mind, she's a size eight. No, she's not. She is almost obsessed. Like if she was on the Titanic, it would have sunk before reaching open waters and hitting the iceberg. But what happens if she meets the one and only admirable aunt Molly. Then when these two meet, it's drama all the while. The whole time is gonna be incredible, supernatural drama.
"Hello," aunt Molly said to aunt Lara once at a dinner party, "it's okay. It's alright. I know what's going through your mind right now. Hmm. Surprised? Shocked? Confused? I'm much slimmer than you now. Come on let it out. Scream."
"Ahhh!"
And boy did she scream that night. My dad came running down the stairs, sweating profusely, in his boxer shorts and a shotgun with mom's panties dangling around his ankle unknowingly to him. It was incredible drama.
I remember one time when my cousin, Thelma, introduced her lover to the whole family when we were having dinner.
"Alex is here." She vibrated with excitement.
"Alex?"
"Yes!" She quickly opened the front door and Alex walked in.
Immediately everyone was quiet. Now, I've got nothing against lesbians. In fact, if my girlfriend was a lesbian and gave me a blowjob every morning, that's great. The problem was that it was a Christian family and everyone got some sort of achievement for doing some kind of Godly deed and it promoted the family name and legacy. It was a tradition that I really didn't care about but had to do it.
"Hey everyone," Alex was beaming.
I thought Thelma knew how to pick them because Alex was a solid ten. After I saw her breasts peeking out of her top, the little man in my pants agreed with me.
"This is Alex," Thelma put her arm around Alex's waist, "Alex, meet my family."
Nobody said anything.
"It looks like I came at the wrong time?" Alex laughed nervously. "Well, hi."
Thelma started kissing her and everyone closed their eyes or looked away. Not me and certainly not my little man.
Regardless, it was my older sister's wedding that Friday and everyone, even friends had come for the ceremony. Of course, they had to, it was Oprah who was getting married and who wouldn't want to see her smile. She was the pride of the family and her beauty was radiant. Oprah was like the younger version of my mom with the blonde hair, pink lips, deep blue eyes and everything. You know, your average Barbie, girl next door type of girl. My dad had to let her marry someone at some point.
"Can't you be more like your sister?" He would often say to me. "She has never told a lie once in her life." Then he'd be like, "Are you a virgin, Julian? Because she is and she's twenty-five!"
I was twenty and she was twenty-five. Oprah was getting married to a certain gentleman of leisure. He said he was Italian, but spoke German or was it the other way around. One thing was sure though, he was rich with just enough money to buy a small subcontinent. It was his family fortunes though. Everyone thought Oprah had done it again. I thought so too and boy did she strike gold. I was in a beautiful uncanny relationship with a sweet sweet girl. We'll come to that later.
"As a token of my love."
"I take you."
"As my husband."
"From this day forward."
"In love."
"And in truth."
"In sickness."
"And in health."
"To love."
"And to honor."
"Till death do us part."
Those were the vows Oprah and Antonio made to each other. Is it weird that I remember that? I think it is. Antonio was the rich smug my sister was marrying. I saw my parents hold hands and look at each other with a beaming smile as Antonio kissed their daughter on the altar. They kissed for like five minutes. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but it was a long time before they stopped. They got married that afternoon and the big reception was going to happen at the family mansion in the evening. I mean my house, where I lived, it was a really big house.
Believe me when I say it was a big reception. Screaming swarms of children ran through the house as bubbles floated in the air and balloons drifted around aimlessly on the floor among the discarded wrapping paper. Multi-colored banners were draped on the top of each door. A stack of unopened presents stood in the corner of the large living room, wrapped in smooth shiny wrapping paper. A huge cake covered in thick white icing and decorated with tiny pink roses sat in the middle of the table surrounded by brightly colored bowls that were filled with appetizing snacks. A jug of brightly colored juice had been knocked over and formed a puddle on the floor. A small girl sat in the well-kept garden outside, a big blue flower girl badge was pinned on her bright pink dress. Tears streamed down her face as she screamed until she caught her parents' attention.
"Atlanta Falcons are a good team," said uncle Gregg, "I mean they could have won that game."
"What are you talking about?" Asked uncle Paul, "You are talking as if Jacksonville Jaguars didn't dominate that game. Atlanta Falcons didn't make it to the final four—I mean the top four both last year and this year and you still rate them over New Orleans Saints."
"Listen, it was pure luck that the Jaguars got to the quarter-final."
"See him, talking about luck."
