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Drive
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I don't know you, not yet anyway, but I guess I'm writing this for you. It feels strange to do so, but not wrong. None of this feels wrong, although it probably should. At some points, however, I felt a lot of guilt about all of this. You will too, most likely. Just read it to the end and know that you're not alone.
* * *
June 5th, 1985
Driving to the cabin was one of those times where I felt that deep sense of shame. I didn't want to be there. Well, that isn't true. I
did
want to be there. I wanted it a great deal. I just didn't think it was right, or honest, or wholesome of me to be there.
The two-lane highway was pretty empty. Our cabin was in a rural area, practically wilderness. There were steep hills and forests, wild streams full of trout and lonesome lakes that sat still and unseen in the morning light. Our cabin perched on a small rise, near one of those lakes. To my knowledge, there were no other human habitations within at least ten miles of it. It was isolated, but comfortable and not at all rustic.
The lack of traffic that morning let my eyes wander to the right. To my passenger. She was asleep, as I expected. God, she looked sweet like that. Pure, almost angelic. Her legs were curled up, and her head was leaning against the window. Her arms were folded over her chest, and she looked at peace. A sick part of me wanted to run my hand up her leg. To stroke her face, maybe tuck that strand of escaped brown hair back behind her ear. Perhaps I'd see those beautiful hazel eyes open and look at me. Would they look at me with the welcome that I desired? Or with disgust? I feared the latter because it was how I felt towards myself. I re-focused on the road.
My little sister didn't think of herself as beautiful, at all. She makes self-deprecating jokes frequently, calling herself "fat" or "chubby." I couldn't stand that, but I couldn't very well correct her the way I wanted to. Maybe she did carry a little more weight than she wanted to, but it didn't make her look ugly. The opposite in fact.
Ashley was just over six inches shorter than me, with lovely wide hips and large, proportional breasts. Her ass pushed out whatever she wore to the degree that was impossible not to notice. All of these beautiful curves fit together perfectly, to my mind, into an hourglass. I wouldn't ever expect other women to fit her standard, but to me, she was gorgeous.
That was to say nothing of her cute nose, or girl-next-door freckles on very kissable cheeks, or her cupid's bow lips.
God. I was lost with desire for her. That would have been bad enough. Who wants an older brother perving on them? But I was also completely and totally in love and had been for longer than I wanted to admit, even at this late stage.
"Where are we?"
Ashley's voice was small and tired, having just woken up. I almost swerved the car, as I felt caught in the middle of my own guilty thoughts.
"Good timing. We're about twenty minutes out. We made good time."
"Great. I really have to pee."
I laughed.
"You have a bladder the size of an acorn. Which I guess is appropriate since you're the size of a squirrel."
"Shut up, dick," she said, with affection. She didn't like being reminded of how short she was, having the silly idea that only tall, thin girls could be attractive, but I had been teasing her height since we were both in elementary school, and now it had become a habit.
Besides, how she could think of herself as unattractive, with the way she filled out her short, cutoff jeans, or worn, but well-fitting, sweatshirt was beyond me. At the last place we'd stopped, a man and both of his teenaged sons had been checking her out, much to his wife's dismay. They just looked, though, and she hadn't noticed. She rarely did, thankfully.
"Thank you," she said, suddenly. She sounded a bit sad. Why would she be sad?
"For what?"
"For taking me. For coming. I know...I know that you didn't want to."
* * *
May 13th, 1985 - College
That was true, sort of.
I had wanted to come, but lately, my thoughts and feelings had grown more intense, and being away at college hadn't made them go away. If anything, I wanted her more than ever. So, in May, I'd called home and made up some bullshit story about wanting to take summer classes to get a "jump-start" on finishing my degree. I wasn't really in a rush. Aside from missing Ashley, college had been pretty great, to be honest.
"That's too bad," my father had said, the connection to the pay phone I was using crackling, "I guess I'll have to tell Ashley she'll be home alone this year."
"What?"
"Her school ends before yours. She's going to an early honor's society orientation thing at her new college while you finish up your year."
I would miss her graduation, unfortunately, because I'd be knee-deep in exams.
"Why does that mean that she can't go to the cabin?"
"Well, your mother and I aren't going to take the detour to pick her up or wait for a bus to get her. I have to go a few hours north to a sales meeting, and your mother is coming with me. We're going directly to the cabin from there. She was really counting on you picking Ashley up on the way and opening up for us. We'll be there a week or so after you."
It seemed presumptuous of my parents to assume that I'd be available to pick Ashley up, but thinking about it, it made sense. I went to a state school. Ashley was going to a private university roughly between my college and the cabin. If she was finishing up her initial orientation around the same time I was leaving, it would be only a half hour out of my way to pick her up. And if I didn't pick her up, then she'd have to take a bus home and be alone there all summer. I couldn't even join her if I were to actually take summer classes. Fuck.
Ash loved the cabin, even more than I did. It was her favorite place in the world and was really the only time where we would all be a family together. As much of a pervert as I thought of myself, I couldn't do that to her. I never really considered how odd it was that neither Mom or Dad would go out of their way to get her.
"You know what, Dad, I'll just take my time I guess. If I want to get ahead, I can take an extra class or two next year. Just tell me where and when to pick her up."
I could hear his smile on the other end of the line.
"Great, son. Your mother and I are really looking forward to seeing you. Ash is, too, by the way. She hasn't talked about anything else for the last month. She really misses you."
"Um. Great. I'll see you guys soon."
I wrote down where and when to pick her up. I wished he hadn't told me how much she missed me. It pushed my mind into all kinds of scenarios that I did my best not to think of.
Well, maybe I'd get lucky, and she'd be dragging some boyfriend along with her. That would be tough to watch, but at least it would push my mind to healthier avenues. Or at least I hoped that it would.
* * *
June 5th, 1985 - The Road
Of course, I had no such luck. Ashley was alone, and she was so happy to see me that it was almost ridiculous. She had flown into my arms as I got out of the car and the people around the student center had clearly thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend rather than siblings. I had enjoyed the long, tight, hug, and let my warped mind wander.
I snapped back to the present.