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Drive
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I don't know you, not yet anyway, but I guess I'm writing this for you. It feels strange to do so, but not wrong. None of this feels wrong, although it probably should. At some points, however, I felt a lot of guilt about all of this. You will too, most likely. Just read it to the end and know that you're not alone.
* * *
June 5th, 1985
Driving to the cabin was one of those times where I felt that deep sense of shame. I didn't want to be there. Well, that isn't true. I
did
want to be there. I wanted it a great deal. I just didn't think it was right, or honest, or wholesome of me to be there.
The two-lane highway was pretty empty. Our cabin was in a rural area, practically wilderness. There were steep hills and forests, wild streams full of trout and lonesome lakes that sat still and unseen in the morning light. Our cabin perched on a small rise, near one of those lakes. To my knowledge, there were no other human habitations within at least ten miles of it. It was isolated, but comfortable and not at all rustic.
The lack of traffic that morning let my eyes wander to the right. To my passenger. She was asleep, as I expected. God, she looked sweet like that. Pure, almost angelic. Her legs were curled up, and her head was leaning against the window. Her arms were folded over her chest, and she looked at peace. A sick part of me wanted to run my hand up her leg. To stroke her face, maybe tuck that strand of escaped brown hair back behind her ear. Perhaps I'd see those beautiful hazel eyes open and look at me. Would they look at me with the welcome that I desired? Or with disgust? I feared the latter because it was how I felt towards myself. I re-focused on the road.
My little sister didn't think of herself as beautiful, at all. She makes self-deprecating jokes frequently, calling herself "fat" or "chubby." I couldn't stand that, but I couldn't very well correct her the way I wanted to. Maybe she did carry a little more weight than she wanted to, but it didn't make her look ugly. The opposite in fact.
Ashley was just over six inches shorter than me, with lovely wide hips and large, proportional breasts. Her ass pushed out whatever she wore to the degree that was impossible not to notice. All of these beautiful curves fit together perfectly, to my mind, into an hourglass. I wouldn't ever expect other women to fit her standard, but to me, she was gorgeous.
That was to say nothing of her cute nose, or girl-next-door freckles on very kissable cheeks, or her cupid's bow lips.
God. I was lost with desire for her. That would have been bad enough. Who wants an older brother perving on them? But I was also completely and totally in love and had been for longer than I wanted to admit, even at this late stage.
"Where are we?"
Ashley's voice was small and tired, having just woken up. I almost swerved the car, as I felt caught in the middle of my own guilty thoughts.
"Good timing. We're about twenty minutes out. We made good time."
"Great. I really have to pee."
I laughed.
"You have a bladder the size of an acorn. Which I guess is appropriate since you're the size of a squirrel."
"Shut up, dick," she said, with affection. She didn't like being reminded of how short she was, having the silly idea that only tall, thin girls could be attractive, but I had been teasing her height since we were both in elementary school, and now it had become a habit.
Besides, how she could think of herself as unattractive, with the way she filled out her short, cutoff jeans, or worn, but well-fitting, sweatshirt was beyond me. At the last place we'd stopped, a man and both of his teenaged sons had been checking her out, much to his wife's dismay. They just looked, though, and she hadn't noticed. She rarely did, thankfully.
"Thank you," she said, suddenly. She sounded a bit sad. Why would she be sad?
"For what?"
"For taking me. For coming. I know...I know that you didn't want to."
* * *
May 13th, 1985 - College
That was true, sort of.
I had wanted to come, but lately, my thoughts and feelings had grown more intense, and being away at college hadn't made them go away. If anything, I wanted her more than ever. So, in May, I'd called home and made up some bullshit story about wanting to take summer classes to get a "jump-start" on finishing my degree. I wasn't really in a rush. Aside from missing Ashley, college had been pretty great, to be honest.
"That's too bad," my father had said, the connection to the pay phone I was using crackling, "I guess I'll have to tell Ashley she'll be home alone this year."
"What?"
"Her school ends before yours. She's going to an early honor's society orientation thing at her new college while you finish up your year."
I would miss her graduation, unfortunately, because I'd be knee-deep in exams.
"Why does that mean that she can't go to the cabin?"
"Well, your mother and I aren't going to take the detour to pick her up or wait for a bus to get her. I have to go a few hours north to a sales meeting, and your mother is coming with me. We're going directly to the cabin from there. She was really counting on you picking Ashley up on the way and opening up for us. We'll be there a week or so after you."
It seemed presumptuous of my parents to assume that I'd be available to pick Ashley up, but thinking about it, it made sense. I went to a state school. Ashley was going to a private university roughly between my college and the cabin. If she was finishing up her initial orientation around the same time I was leaving, it would be only a half hour out of my way to pick her up. And if I didn't pick her up, then she'd have to take a bus home and be alone there all summer. I couldn't even join her if I were to actually take summer classes. Fuck.
Ash loved the cabin, even more than I did. It was her favorite place in the world and was really the only time where we would all be a family together. As much of a pervert as I thought of myself, I couldn't do that to her. I never really considered how odd it was that neither Mom or Dad would go out of their way to get her.
"You know what, Dad, I'll just take my time I guess. If I want to get ahead, I can take an extra class or two next year. Just tell me where and when to pick her up."
I could hear his smile on the other end of the line.
"Great, son. Your mother and I are really looking forward to seeing you. Ash is, too, by the way. She hasn't talked about anything else for the last month. She really misses you."
"Um. Great. I'll see you guys soon."
I wrote down where and when to pick her up. I wished he hadn't told me how much she missed me. It pushed my mind into all kinds of scenarios that I did my best not to think of.
Well, maybe I'd get lucky, and she'd be dragging some boyfriend along with her. That would be tough to watch, but at least it would push my mind to healthier avenues. Or at least I hoped that it would.
* * *
June 5th, 1985 - The Road
Of course, I had no such luck. Ashley was alone, and she was so happy to see me that it was almost ridiculous. She had flown into my arms as I got out of the car and the people around the student center had clearly thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend rather than siblings. I had enjoyed the long, tight, hug, and let my warped mind wander.
I snapped back to the present.
"I did want to drive you. I still do."
"Come on. Dad said you were thinking about taking summer classes, but that you changed your plans when you learned I needed someone to pick me up."
Shit. Why had he told her?
"Well, I mean, I wasn't exactly married to those plans. I thought I was being responsible, but I really miss the cabin. And...I really missed you too. I couldn't bear the thought of you sitting home alone all summer because I wanted to graduate a few months early."
"Oh," she said, quietly. I was uncertain if the emotion I read in her voice was sadness or...something else. "I'm glad you changed your mind."
"I'm glad I did too. Besides, if I didn't come, who would carry you home when you invariably injure yourself in some ridiculous fashion?"
She hit me in the arm lightly but laughed with me. It certainly didn't happen every year, but she'd hurt herself significantly a few times over the many years that we'd gone to the cabin. Once she'd fallen off a log crossing a stream and broken her arm. We hadn't gone home, but she'd been in a cast for the rest of the vacation. Another time she'd burned herself pretty severely trying to toast a marshmallow. Mom's expert care had kept it from scarring her but she'd woken up more than once, crying in pain, and I'd held her until she'd gone back to sleep. The most recent, and sort of funny, incident had been two years ago. She'd dropped a jar of honey on her foot and broken her big toe. It had hurt, but all the doctor could do was give her a splint and tell her to rest up. I'd called her Pooh Bear for months after that, to her dismay.
At least, I thought to myself, we were getting along, and we wouldn't be alone together for too long.
How naive I was.
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Arrival
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June 5th, 1985 - The Road and The Cabin
Finally, we reached our exit. There was little there. A McDonalds and a few gas stations. We took a lonely road past a long stretch of trees, and at last turned left at an old, weatherbeaten "No Trespassing" sign. We drove down the long, gravel road in silence and anticipation, the trees on either side nearly touching above us. If you had never been to the cabin, you would probably be expecting something run down, perhaps even ruined. As soon you came into the clearing, you would realize how wrong you were.
We pulled back out into the morning light. The lake had small ripples from the wind, and the cabin sat on a small hill overlooking it, perhaps one-hundred feet away. It was two stories and had an attic room as well. It sprawled a bit, having been initially relatively small and then expanded in all directions as new generations inherited it. The way our father told it, this had been the first place that our ancestors had settled, and it had gone to the first child ever since then, with the understanding that it would never be sold. I looked over at Ash and enjoyed the childlike delight that played across her face. I suddenly felt that the trip was well worth it. She looked at me and blushed.
"What is it?"
"You always get like that when we arrive for the first time. It's really beau...amusing."
I barely caught myself, but her smile grew anyway.
"I can't help it. I love being here, and I love that you're here too. I worry every year that you won't come. I don't know why, but I know it wouldn't be as special if you didn't."
"What about mom and dad?"
She rolled her eyes.
"You couldn't keep them away. They get so, um, affectionate here..."
She trailed off. I knew what she meant. It was usually left unspoken, but our parents had a lot of sex here. We heard it, and it didn't bother us much as maybe it should have.
"Do you remember when," I started, but Ash cut me off.
