Evan's Embarrassing Family

Thought I'd try my hand at a short story. I hope you find the results enjoyable and Evan's family gives you a good chuckle. I may consider future episodes if you find this fun.

Episode One: Sandy

Evan's family was an embarrassment. Most of the time, he thought that he was the only normal person who lived in his house. It wasn't that he didn't love his family. He did. It was just that, well, it seemed like everyone in his family delighted in humiliating him. It was never intentional, certainly. It was just Evan's luck. Unfortunately, Evan had awful luck, and a family of whacky perverts.

Today would be the day, he thought, that nothing weird would happen. He could safely bring Anna, the girl he'd been crushing on for months, home to meet his mother. It would happen on their way to dinner for their first date, but as luck would have it, Evan had forgotten his wallet. Needing to stop at home, just for a moment, to pop in and grab it, he was certain that nothing could go wrong.

"I'll come in with you," Anna said, "just to meet your mom."

"Alright," Evan said with trepidation, "Just let me call ahead and make sure she's not too busy."

Evan phoned ahead. This had to go well. His mother couldn't embarrass him. God and fucking Jesus, just this once, he prayed. He called.

"Hey, mom," he said, "I'm just going to run in and grab my wallet on the way to dinner, but Anna wants to meet you. Is that alright?"

"Of course, honey," Sandy assured him, "I'm just getting dinner ready."

Evan pulled into the driveway and escorted Sandy into the house. Everything had sounded normal. This would not be like the time that he'd brought Linda home for dinner, only to find his mother stuffing a rolling pin into her twat. It would not be like the incident in which his sister, Lua, had been practicing her deep throat skills on a ten-inch plastic cock, in the living room, when Evan had dropped in with his prom-date-to-be. This would go off well.

He opened the door and quickly glanced inside. The house was quiet. From the kitchen, he could hear the sound of water running and a spoon scraping a bowl. Evan took Anna's hand and led her toward the kitchen.

"Mom?" he asked, catching her attention.

Sandy whipped around, mixing bowl in hand, her blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. She wore an apron that said, "Lick my Beater," in red letters. Evan flushed. At least she was wearing clothes.

"Hi, Honey!" Sandy said.

"Mom, this is Anna. She wanted to meet you on our way to dinner. I'm just going to run up and grab my wallet. Can you be nice to her?"

"Of course," Sandy said, setting the bowl aside.

"I'll be right back," he said, his eyes practically begging.

He took the stairs, two at a time, leapfrogging his way up to his room. He barreled down the hall, crashed through the door, snagged the wallet from his desk, then dashed back down. The entire jaunt couldn't have lasted more than twenty seconds. As he hit the bottom of the stairs, though, his heart sank. There were sounds coming from the kitchen, sexy sounds, wet smacking sounds. Jesus fuck! They hadn't been in the house for sixty seconds! How did this happen?

Evan burst into the kitchen to find his date nude from the waist down, her cute ass on the kitchen table, while Evan's mother eagerly sucked at her fuckhole.

"Oh, shit! Holy shit!" Anna cried, her hands gripping Sandy's hair.

"Mom!" Evan cried in distress, "What the hell?"

Anna turned her wild eyes toward him and orgasmed loudly on his mother's face, her tits heaving and breath coming in ragged gasps. Sandy stood up and wiped at her mouth, licked her lips.

"You see? That's the beater," Sandy explained.

"Oh my God!" Anna gasped, "Oh my God!"

"Have fun at your dinner, honey," Sandy said, as though nothing odd had just taken place.

Anna staggered from the table and pulled down her skirt but forgot her panties on the floor. She wobbled past Evan, into the hallway. Evan, his mouth open in shock, turned from his mother. Sandy continued making dinner. Evan ran after his date, who was getting back into the car with a dazed expression on her face. He bolted to the car and tore open his door, getting inside.

"Hey," he babbled, "I'm... oh my God, I'm so sorry! I'm so, so, fucking sorry. My mom... she's... I'm so sorry!"

Anna's body shook, a tremor of sheer delight, like she'd just swallowed the most delicious thing she'd ever tasted.

"Oh my God," she whispered again, and lay her head against the window, giggling.

"Anna? Are you alright?"

"What?" she said, suddenly snapping her head up and looking around, "Oh! Evan. What?"

"Are you alright? I'm so sorry about my mom!"

"Oh, yeah. It's fine. She was... your mom's great. Hey, what do you think if we just stay here for dinner?"

Evan flushed.

Episode Two: Lua

When Evan's lab partner wanted to do their assignment at the library, Evan was happy to agree. Unfortunately, the library was closed that day, due to a plumbing issue.

"Some bunch of sick bastards done shit up every toilet in the place!" Old Jones complained to Evan and Daryl, who had just been denied entry, "Ain't never seen nothing like it, and never want to again. Every toilet in the place! Shit them up good!"

"Can we go to your place?" Evan asked his partner.

"Nah," Daryl said, "My dad's back on the bottle and he'll be an ass, for sure. Your place?"

It was early in the day, so Evan's mother would be at work. His two sisters were unknowns. Lua, also, had her junior classes, but Evan didn't know her schedule. Jenny, in her senior year, was also a mystery.

"I don't know. Let me call the house," Evan said, praying.

He called the main phone at the house and got no answer. Next, he called Jenny, who confirmed that she was out with friends. Finally, he tried Lua, but got no answer. Lua was never without her phone. She even took the damn thing in the shower with her, in one of those little waterproof containers.

Evan knew this because she'd been so intent on the phone one day that she had attempted to get into the shower with him, naked, because she hadn't been paying attention. Lua was such a ditz, too, that she had been so absorbed in whatever she was watching on the phone, that she hadn't even noticed him in the shower (despite his cries of protest and the shower already running). It wasn't until his nude sister was bumping her ass against his erection that she, finally, noticed what she'd done.

Lua had screamed, dropped the phone, and then shrieked, "What the hell are you doing in here? Can't you see I'm showering?"

Evan had been so baffled, embarrassed, and horrified by the incident that he'd stumbled out of the shower, shampoo still in his hair, and quickly fled the bathroom in a panic. The lack of a response to his call seemed like a safe bet that Lua was, likely, in class.

"I guess we can go to my house," he said to Daryl.

Daryl followed his lab partner to Evan's home, where Evan let them in. Evan knew, immediately, that he had not been lucky. The sounds of porno playing from the surround sound system in the living room walloped them in the face the moment they opened the door. In 5.1 surround, the sounds of a groaning man and orgasmic woman assaulted their senses.

"Damn, dude!" Daryl said, "Your family's cool with this?"

Evan did not want to say, yes, to tell Daryl that finding a family member masturbating in the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage, the back yard, was a frequent, almost daily occurrence.

"Maybe we should go," Evan said, instead.

Over the sounds of the porno, though, came a muffled, distressed mumbling. Evan couldn't ignore it. It sounded like Lua, and it sounded like Lua needed help. This, too, was not an isolated incident.

"Do you mind staying here?" Evan said, "I'll be right back."

"Are you shitting me?" Daryl said, "This I have to see!"

Fuck, Evan thought, and headed toward the sounds of the porno. The sight before their eyes was one that Daryl found shocking. Evan, though, sighed, embarrassed. His sister, Lua, sat naked, atop a Sybian. Her large tits jiggled obscenely as the thing rumbled beneath her, vigorously masturbating her twat.

Lua had gagged herself, before beginning and also handcuffed her wrists to the machine. Her ankles, likewise, were bound with lengths of nylon, which had been secured to eyebolts in the floor. Evan did not want to explain why there were eyebolts in the living room floor, so he was grateful that Daryl did not ask.

The crux of Lua's problem was, as usual, that she was far too inventive in her masturbations for her own good. Lua enjoyed challenging herself while masturbating. Unfortunately, Lua did not often think through all the implications of the predicaments she put herself in, necessitating that her family rescue her from her own traps.

In this instance, a balloon filled with air held the key to the cuffs. Only, when she'd hung the balloon from the ceiling, she had misjudged the height, or she had misjudged the length of the ties on her ankles. Therefore, she could not reach the key to the cuffs and had trapped herself on the Sybian.

How she had intended to get the key from the balloon was, altogether, another mystery. Likewise, the control box for the machine had been tossed some distance away. Evan wished that he could say this embarrassing situation was a one-off incident, but the fact was that this sort of thing happened with more frequency than was in any way reasonable.

"Holy shit!" Daryl exclaimed, watching Lua's bouncing tits.

"Hph! Hm ghk!" Lua mumbled through her gag.

"Jesus, Lua!" Evan shouted and made for the balloon.

He stood in front of his sister, hand reaching for the balloon. At that moment the sybian's randomized pattern went into what Evan was (to his dismay) familiar with as, "The Big Bang."

He broke the balloon, fumbled in the remnants for the key, and then Lua's body went into orgasmic spasms as the dildo on the machine melted her mind. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she tossed her hair back, gasping as though she'd just come back from the dead, sucking in a lungful of air, and then letting loose with a long, drawn out, "Oooooooooooo...Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

Her entire body convulsed with the power of the orgasm as Evan and Daryl, shocked, appalled, aroused, stood by and watched it happen. A wet patch appeared in Daryl's shorts as the two of them took in Lua's jiggling tits, and the sounds of a porn slut being pounded into a submissive heap of Jell-o, blaring through the speakers.

After what seemed like minutes, Lua's wild eyes looked up at him pleadingly. Evan quickly put the key into the lock, turned it, and they heard a snap as the key broke. Brother and sister locked eyes, a moment of sheer panic passing through them both. And then The Big Bang came again. Lua shrieked as the pattern worked up, vibrating the toy in her cunt in the mind-erasing pattern of ultimate pleasure. Lua had said once, wistfully, that she'd never been able to make it through the entire sequence before. She just had. Now, she was going in for a second round.

She began to panic, trying to get up off the toy, but her legs were fastened in the straps and the cuffs weren't coming off. Evan slapped himself in the forehead, dashed to the wall outlet and pulled the plug. The machine didn't stop.

"Why isn't is stopping?" he shouted over the porno, and then he knew, "Is that the one with the battery backup? Jesus Christ, Lua!"

Lua was oblivious to him, though, because the machine was halfway into its Big Bang pattern now and Lua's pussy and brain had turned to jelly. Her body vibrated, shook, she moaned and wailed, as Evan fought with the restraints on her ankles. Finally, he managed to get them free, yanking his sister's naked body free of the machine. The vibrating cock that had been lodged in her cunt came free with a wet, sucking pop and she groaned with relief, but her wrists were still cuffed to the thing.

Daryl, finally regaining his senses, found the quick release on the novelty handcuffs, and removed them from Lua's wrists. The siblings looked at him in shock.

"What? Every pair has the little release lever, except the real ones. You didn't know?"

Episode Three: Jenny

Evan rarely brought a friend home. Evan had friends, of course, but Evan's family was a gang of whacky perverts, whose behavior Evan found embarrassing, at times even appalling. Evan's mother was gone for the weekend, though, away for a two-day retreat in a neighboring state. Lua, his older sister, had opted to stay the weekend with a friend. This left his oldest sister, Jenny, at home with Evan.

When Jenny informed him that she would be staying out, as well, Evan saw an opportunity to have a few friends over for a night of video games and movies. Delighted to have a place to hang out and have a few drinks, Evan's two closest friends, Lyle and Tom, walked through the front door with a case of beer. Evan had moved his PlayStation to the living room, where they could spend the evening enjoying games and drinks.

The three of them were halfway into the case of beer and two spots down from first in a tense race, when the front door boomed open, and Jenny stalked into the living room in a huff. Lyle and Tom had met Jenny, of course, they were just kept as far away from her (and the rest of Evan's family) as possible. They knew, too, about Jenny's reputation. They had once been freshman in high school, and Jenny a senior, just as they were, now, in college.

Jenny's well-deserved nickname was Jerk Off Jenny, and Evan's hot, older sister had been the stroke fantasy (and realization of said fantasy) for many a man. Jenny was not shy, in the least, about her love of jerking off cocks. Evan, himself, had been the reluctant recipient of many a helping hand from his oldest sister, who had a penchant for ambushing him with handjobs when least expected.

This always made Evan feel dirty and perverted, but it was difficult to say no to a big breasted blonde who insisted on fistfucking your penis. Evan had taken to locking his door at night, as well as the bathroom door when he showered. This was due to the fact that his ditzy sister, Lua, had once obliviously joined him in the shower and been shocked that he was already in it. Additionally, these measures were to protect his cock from Jenny and her surprise handjobs.

The countermeasures, though, had little effect as Jenny would just spring the locks with a hair pin and then proceed to masturbate Evan's cock for him without warning. Nothing further ever happened, and Evan had no desire to have sex with his sisters or his mother. It was simply Jenny's odd personality quirk, like Lua's need for nefarious masturbatory shenanigans.

Frequently, Jenny would spring the lock to the bathroom, invite herself, nude, into the shower and proceed to jerk Evan off. She'd push him against the wall, her tits mashed into his back, and then reach around and stroke his erection with shampoo, body wash, hand soap, or whatever else was easily at hand. She'd do it fast and hard, and she'd do it while she whispered perversions in his ear.

"You like that, you little pervert? You like making your sister jerk off your fucking cock? I see the way you look at my tits, you little fuck. You want to slam your dick into me like a sex doll, don't you? Fucking pervert."

Inevitably, this would have Evan spraying his load against the shower wall as he denied that he was having incestuous fantasies about Jenny. Other times, Evan would awaken to find Jenny in his bed, nude, pressing her body against him and jerking his cock under his sheets.

"Is this what you wanted, you little pervert? Is this what you've been thinking about? I see the way you fuck me with your eyes, you sick fuck. You've been thinking about holding me down and fucking your big incest dick into your sister again, haven't you?"

Evan, thinking no such thing, would deny this and protest. Only, Jenny wouldn't stop. Jenny would, instead, stick her tongue into his ear or his mouth and stroke his cock until he orgasmed, leaving him to clean up the sticky mess. Over his adult years, Evan had grown used to this. He never shook the feeling of wrongness or guilt, but he loved his sister, and so he put up with her weird little game, just as he put up with frequently having to save Lua from her latest masturbation trap.

Now, Jerk Off Jenny burst in on the three young men's gaming session, hands on her hips in a short, tight navy dress. Her ample cleavage spilled from the top in such a way that Lyle and Tom dropped their controllers, sending their cars spinning off the side of a cliff, the race forgotten. Evan blushed and said, "Um, hey, Jen. I thought you were gonna be out all night."

"Well, that makes two of us," she said, "but that... shitfuck assbag that I was going to fuck all night told me that he wasn't into slutty girls."

Lyle choked and Tom made a small, strangled noise in his throat.

"Slutty! He called me slutty! Like, what the fuck, right?" she went on, and plopped down between Lyle and Tom.

"You... you want a beer?" Lyle asked, handing Jenny a bottle.

"Fuckin' right, bitch," Jenny said, snapping up the bottle, twisting the cap, and flicking it across the room.

She put her bare legs up on the coffee table and gulped half the bottle, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"That's some decent piss water," she said, burping loudly, "What are you fuckers doing, anyway? Evan never brings friends around."

"We can go upstairs," Evan said quickly, "No need to bother you."

"I'm not bothered. I'm bored."

Jenny tossed back the remainder of her beer and handed the empty bottle to Lyle.

"No, really," Evan argued, "It's getting late."

"Hey," Jenny said, "Do you guys want handjobs?"

"No!" cried Evan.

"Oh my God," whispered Tom.

"Finally," said Lyle, "Jesus. Finally!"

Jenny stuck out her tongue at Evan and said, "Evan's always saying no, but then he cums anyway. He's always perving on me in the shower."

"No! I don't!" Evan protested.

"Dude! That's awesome!" Lyle said.

Tom nodded agreement. Jenny, skillfully, unzipped their pants with either hand and pulled out their cocks. Evan blushed in shame and embarrassment as his sister proceeded to rub and tug his friends' hardening shafts.

"You can grope my tits," Jenny said, "just don't cum on my dress."

Evan didn't want to watch. He stood up but Jenny stopped him asking, "Where are you going?"

"I'm not going to sit here and watch you jerk off my friends!" Evan spat, "It's gross."

"It is pretty gross," Jenny agreed, "What kind of pervert sits there and watches his own sister stroke cocks?"

"Exactly!"

"If you stay and watch," she said, "I'll suck your dick after they cum."

Evan's mouth fell open.

"What? No! I don't want you to suck my dick! Why would you say that?"

"Fine. If you don't want to stay and watch, I'll just fuck them when you leave," she said, giving him a twisted grin.

Evan did not want his friends to fuck his sister. He did not want his sister to jerk them off. He did not want his sister to suck his dick. It was not that Evan disliked blowjobs, but Evan was not into incest, despite living with a family of kinky fucks.

"Dude, you should totally go," Tom suggested.

"Yeah, man," Lyle agreed, "It's pretty weird having your sister jerk me off with you watching. You should sit this one out."

"Fine. I'm staying," Evan reluctantly agreed, "but you're not sucking my dick."

Jenny spit into her hands and resumed pumping the hard dicks, saying, "That's not the deal. I'm going to jerk them off, and then I'm going to suck your dick, while they watch. If you don't let me suck it, they can stay the whole weekend and fuck me as many times as they can get it up."

"Dude! Fucking go! Please," Tom begged.