End of Innocence

Chapter X, First Steps into the Light

While we had each other, we had lost what our lives had been; wonderful, full of love, the future, pride in achievements, and family. It had been only several months and yet, it seemed ages ago before our lives were fragmented and torn from the ground that were so deeply rooted. The physical affection that was shared between the two of us in our first attempts was an act of love, yes, but overshadowed by youthful exuberance and mutual curiosity of reckless abandon. Deeply in love with one another as only a brother and sister could be, touching and getting to know not only the other but ourselves in the process, with no life plan for a future in mind for the both of us. Had our courses remained without these tragedies that had followed, we might have charted a different path, each uniquely, instead of where we found ourselves. There are no regrets between the two of us with what had transpired in our hearts. My dear sister and I cannot fathom life without the other.

It seemed that the universe played its trump card and for whatever meaning that there might be in these terrible deaths, these wonderful two people torn from our lives through violence, heartbreak, and self-centeredness, we might never distinguish its true meaning. A few short months combined with sorrow, an anguish that carried with it such power and sweeping dynamism that it changed our entire lives. As feeble humans, none would have the audacity to have conceived such a sublime and unspeakable act let alone carry out a transformation that redefined that very fabric of existence for two fledgling lovers. At times, we get a peek at the Grand Destiny, perchance a little prophecy seeps through, but as performers not architects. The day before the funeral, in an act of love and commitment between one another, we purchased two inexpensive gold bands that we wear even today. It is our statement to each other, a symbol of our endearing oath that each volunteered and swore, inscribed with three words: We are love.

The funeral arrangements were made, the massive marble headstone was to be moved between the graves of both our parents added with now the most recent memorial information, a message to both that they were missed with the deepest sense of loss and hopes of being reunited. The mortician toiled in his magic, the brand of ability that people find necessary but somehow disconcerting, closing and hiding the wound to our mother's lovely features, selected a casket that accented in death what glowed in life, and put on display for the mourning masses to whisper last respects and exclaim how well she appeared. A few final words said to those in attendance from surviving family and friends of remembrances, misfortune, and hopes unfulfilled. Then, as quickly as the services had begun, it was time to travel the path to internment and the final procession of our mother's last day in the sun.

Ashley and I carried through the final dignity of placing two roses to our father's three. We were now the last of our living generation. How would the Infinite explain the profound meaning of whatever holy plan was in play? Instead of our family growing in successive descendants that shared with the preceding, learning, and growing with their amassed wisdom, it was now two young and inexperienced lovers at life's threshold that stepped forth without the guidance and encouragement of the ones lost. Would we have the right to question and if we did, would we ever understand? At this moment, my existential beliefs were shaken for what I saw was chaos and cruelty that was not imbued in any particular meaning. Ashley's composure was rocked but her belief in a merciful overseer was as intact as ever. My simplified view envisioned two throws of the dice and both coming up snake-eyes. With the risk of being irreverent, if there was a purpose or intelligence to the universe then perhaps, we were nothing but common insects with no more a conscious thought to our random extermination as is a cockroach to us. Playthings to be manipulated, tortured, and cast aside at the gods' twisted pleasures. I tried to swallow the bitterness that I felt consuming my being from spilling over onto Ashley. She deserved better and without her, I would have been pushed and pulled into a self-destruct course of my own making. Her very love was reason enough to exist.

The reception at the family home was subdued; the prevailing emotions were of apprehension and a sudden urge to flee. It was almost as if the mourners could feel the evil tendrils that reached through the structure threatening to taint any who ventured inside except for the briefest of moments. Cold lightening had struck this unfortunate family twice in such a short span and while the deepest sympathies were expressed and believed, the gathering soon dispersed to their own lives with various incantations and superstitious utterings being pronounced to dispel the possibility of the same misfortune. Ashley and I were relieved in some ways, the idea to host and entertain; to listen to the endless parade of guilt-driven banalities did little to alleviate the suffering but still, it was appreciated because it came with a sense of shared empathy and emotional heartache that is understood as part of the human condition. Aunt Kimberly was the last to leave. She talked softly to my angel with only a few words overheard, "My brother loved your mother so much. When he told me that he was to marry her, my heart was glad and wounded at the same time, with reluctance, I finally had to let him go." The words my aunt had spoken have caused me to ponder. With this small revealing, my aunt kissed my sweet sister's cheek and forehead, looked to me with a smile of shared understanding, and left for her flight back home.

I looked to Ashley's face, lips held tightly, eyes directed to my own, she nodded her head, looked at the displays of dishes that been brought and left. I shrugged my shoulders that twisted my features quickly when a grinding pain shot through my arm. I would endeavor to make a more resolute effort to not make such obvious moves with the injuries I had received. In unison, we began to clear the kitchen and island of the remains of uneaten food, store the unused portions in various plastic containers, and move the tableware, utensils, and reusable items to the dishwasher. We turned on the machine, poured into a pair of wine glasses with Merlot to relax, and joined each other's hand with fingers laced, moved to the front porch to feel the remaining rays of the Southern California sky bathe down on upon us while we sat quietly next to each other in a swing built for two rocking away the incomprehensible heartache that trolled through us.

That night, neither of us felt like eating. We placed the emptied wine glasses on the kitchen counter and with Ashley in the lead, we gathered ourselves up the stairs into the hallway. She laid out some towels as I brushed my teeth, when I was done, turned on the shower and entered. Ashley followed suit and slipped in with me, shutting the glass door behind her. We let the warm water that cascaded over our bodies drench us while holding each other in an embrace, my head to her shoulder, and hers to my chest. We stood in that stimulating pose enhanced by the silken feeling that the purity of aquatic immersion provides, and began let our fingers touch, roam, and rediscover the eagerness of the other.

I reached for the body wash, dripped the liquid down Ashley's neck, over her back, over her incredible sexy ass, I circled my hands in the ever-gathering amount of slippery lather, caressing, washing, and creating the tingling sensation that starts at the surface but proceeds outwards from her own desire. I kneeled behind her, letting the interaction of the gel, water, and my softened hands glide down her legs, behind her knees, to her feet, and each individual toe. I moved in front of her, starting from her ankles, began to reverse myself, moving up the front of her legs, each muscle fiber visible underneath her delicate skin, to the front of her thighs, the softness of her sacral hair, onto her belly, to the navel, her breasts - mingled with tantalizing kisses, then her slender throat, all of her rewarded with delighted consideration, until I reached her face, and pushed back the wet and smooth golden hair, and finished with a mating of the lips while I held her against me, the suds slithering slowly down our bodies to the drain.

We made love that night, wet and warmed from the scintillating texture of mutual exposure.

In the morning, we awoke in each other's arms. The light from the dawn streaked through the window and lifted some of the webs of constricted sadness from the room. I had Ashley, my sweet angel of a sister, and during the night, while in the midst of mutual passion, somehow the gratefulness of this certainty reached my mind from my heart. I let my hands loom through her hair, untangling a fray or a loop, one hair at a time, careful not to hurt her but also, to allow the tender grooming to be an expression in itself. She laughed when she saw the messiness of my hair, brought her lips to mine and with great eagerness, an upbeat in heart, birthed the true smile of one that felt the cracks of joy break through what seemed an eternity of anguish. The house empty now except for two young lovers, we walked downstairs to the kitchen naked, hands locked in the other and steeped tea with honey for the daybreak brew.

The first genesis of a new time, our independent steps now strode together, both set of footprints visible in the sands of time, unwavering in their direction. Looking to the horizon and only glimpsing a called destination, but at least for the movement, was unified over the reaches of what was recognized, beckoning the both of us to follow. Ashley and I were lovers, a mated couple, sharing each and everything about what we were, are, and hope to be, as friends, and as fellow students at UCLA. Our majors were complimentary and not so dissimilar that there even existed the possibility that whatever path our ultimate careers might be, that they could exist in simultaneous harmony. We looked with hope to our first steps into the light.