End of Innocence

Chapter I - A Little Angel is Born

Like I mentioned, my earliest memories revolve around Ashley upon her birth. It seemed that nothing existed before, just surreal grey. I have no conscious understanding of anything beforehand, so it would not be incorrect to believe that I came into being the same day, the same incomprehensibly delightful day in early June that my sister took her very first breath. Our personal clocks moved forward and we both became aware of the tick-tock of each second as time slid forward propelling us into destiny.

Likewise for many, the descent into hell is a journey that does not start with the very first minute of life but gradually degrades itself over time until a person realizes that they can give voice to the pain. As was the case for my dear Ashley, the day of her birth was cause for celebration. The moment I came into her presence something forever changed in me, the big brother of only two, that my little baby would be mine to protect and nurture, to define the limits of friendship between two people, to always know that a bond between a brother and sister that cannot be quite comprehended by inconsequential words but through the understanding of emotion and spirit. To see her now and know that I have an uninterrupted 26 years shared with this lovely woman who from the very second of her birth would define who we were and what we were to become.

My father brought me into my mother's room at the hospital. I was afraid at first, not because of my little girl, but because everything was glowing fluorescent in the hospital, the smell of sanitized floors, of walls whose tiles were the color of green scrubs, the stainless steel racks holding all manner of supplies, from bed sheets to gauze, the rush of doctors and nurses making the way through the corridors of St. Mary's to the sheer size of people and structures were overwhelming to my senses as a small child. My father holding my little hand smiling at my mother and of the work that the two of them brought together to form their daughter and my sister. We walked slowly to the edge of my mother's bed and it was then that I noticed the tiny little bundle that she held. I could not quite make out what, I knew it was my sister, excitement and a host of new emotions flooded through me. Anticipation, anxiety, and admiration coursed through the ethereal substance of my soul that gave voice to my growing exhilaration that here, in my mother's arms, was my baby sister and I was her big brother.

Big Brother. I liked how that sounded to my child's ears. My father whispered that into my ear as he approached my mother and his daughter with me for the very first time. Big brother to my little sister. A smile broke out upon my face and a tear slowly wound its way down my cheek as I gazed upon my dear little girl for the very first time. She mewled a little; sensing a presence that was different from all the noise, lights, pain, and harshness the insult of birth is upon a little angel coming into the world for the very first time. Years later, when she was five, she told me about a dream that she had when she was born, an actual first memory, of knowing that her guardian brother awaited her arrival and would be her personal possession forever; never leaving her side. I simply smiled, gathered my little sister in my arms, and held her close like I always do, kissing her cheeks, forehead, and gently brushing my lips upon the softness of her own. Looking deeply into those mesmerizing blue eyes feeling myself washed away and simultaneously captured by her very essence.

I looked upon this sweet gift from God, my little sister, and she struggled mightily to turn her head towards me. My mother, smiling with deep affection despite the obvious exhaustion of carrying my precious tiny sister for nine months and the hours of agony forcing this little girl into world, said with a gleam in her eye, "Dear little Ashley, my sweet daughter, here is your brother that has come to gaze upon you and give his love to you this day forth and forever as all brothers do." Little did my mother know how prophetic those words would ultimately become.

I leaned forward, still in the throes of nervousness and excitement, and looked at my little cherub. She opened her eyes a little then, I could already see the blueness in her eyes, and she did something I have never seen another baby do that early in life. She smiled. My little infant of a sister smiled at me and despite not having any muscle control over her body, managed to reach a little in my direction. I was overcome with affection towards my baby sister that tears flowed freely down my cheeks and I promised her right then and there, in front of both my mother and father, that I would be the best big brother in the entire world. I believe that I have kept that promise; at least, that is what Ashley tells me every day. I tentatively reached out to her tiny hands looking at my mother's eyes and receiving a nod of approval and held her little hand. I was surprised by the strength of those chubby little fingers when Ashley grasped my small hand with hers and curled her fingers around mine. I was rewarded with another toothless smile and a burp. I fell in love with her that very day.

If life progressed from that day forward in the form that it had taken upon Ashley's birth, I believe that we would be like any other brother and sister, perhaps a little closer than most, but on the whole, a good family with strong ties with everyone involved. Life is not always ruled by saints but sometimes by demons that are very crafty in the disguises they take. As it was for Ashley. The twisted blackness when it came may have ruled the day but it would not conquer our lives. For Ashley's first eighteen years of life, she was the center of love given freely by my dear parents and of her big brother and committed to the words he spoke to her on her very first day of life.

My little sister, my little baby that would grow up to be my lover, was already my best friend and I was her hero, a boy who would never leave her behind, mistreat her, who found his greatest joy was when he made his innocent little girl laugh. Life was good for now.