After a very, very exciting weekend of sexual discovery and inappropriate incestuous behavior, Gary and I started to settle into a routine of mutual masturbation, humping and oral sex. We were both in a constant state of arousal, hormones surging through our young bodies. We were behaving like the sex crazed teenagers that we were.
Mom did not seem to detect any change in our behavior; at least she did not demonstrate any suspicion towards either Gary or me. Mom stayed with her routine of drinking herself to sleep each evening and was snoring loudly by 9 p.m. every night; opening the window of opportunity for Gary and I to play 'naughty doctor and naughty nurse' each night after she went to bed.
As soon as I was in my room alone, and Mom was asleep, Gary would make a 'bee line' in to see me. He would enter my room, unannounced and uninvited, with his shorts forming a tent in front in anticipation of the games he planned to play with his sister. I would also become aroused, wet with anticipation, like Pavlov's dog, each night waiting for my brother to enter my room.
In some weird and illogical way, waiting on Gary to come to visit me in my room, rather than going to his room, seemed to reduce my guilt ever so slightly. I was not imposing myself on my younger brother; I was merely submitting to his desires as he entered my room uninvited.
Silly? Absolutely.
But I would take any slight reduction in my culpability, no matter how ill-founded the logic was.
Gary always achieved an orgasm during our sessions, often more than once. I typically would have a climax as well, but not always. Gary loved having me make love to his penis with my mouth, and honestly, I enjoyed tasting and swallowing his semen. I found the very thought of swallowing his semen, ingesting it, and having it inside me strangely fulfilling and emotionally satisfying.
Making my brother cum in my mouth had a unique balance of submission and control that stimulates me. While it was true that I was submitting to him, I still maintained control of arousing him and getting him off. I found that liked giving head.
I loved having Gary 'pleasure me' with his tongue as well. I loved the feel of his fingers inside me as he sucked and teased my clitoris. I almost always had an orgasm this way.
Very early in our sessions, I learned that I needed to achieve my orgasm before Gary achieved his, or it was 'game over' for Gary. He lost interest in making me cum once he ejaculated; whether in my mouth, in my hand, or on my belly. So typically, Gary would have to wait for his blow job until he took care of his big sister. We both were fine with this arrangement.
All-in-all, the physical part of our sibling games was good; very exciting, very convenient, and very fulfilling. Emotionally, I was still torn. I was ridden with guilt, and shame. It was difficult for me to fully comprehend an experience that was so pleasurable, so satisfying and exciting, and so all consuming, but yet was so shameful. I just knew I did not want it to end.
While I felt incredibly close to Gary, in many ways our relationship isolated me from my friends. There was no one I could talk to about my wonderful discoveries; if anyone were to find out, life as I knew life as I knew it would come to a screeching halt. And the knowledge that if any of my friends knew what Gary and I were doing, I would be labeled a pervert or a monster, placed a heavy burden on my emotional well being.
All day, every day while at my summer job, I was highly distracted. I seemed to be constantly wet and aroused either thinking about what Gary and I had recently done, or in anticipation of what we would do that evening. I noticed that by the end of my day, the crotch of my panties was damp with the constant leakage from my aroused vagina. Prior to Gary & my discovery of each other, this had not been an issue for me. Yes, I was lubricating all day long.
I also realized that I was contemplating not leaving for college in the fall as planned. I was flirting with the idea of attending a community college in the fall so I could remain home with my brother. This thought troubled me.
I wondered if the men around me at work could somehow sense my arousal and my wetness, like animals in the wild could sense a female in heat? The men in the office did seem to be noticing me more and talking to me more than in the past. Or maybe I was more aware of them. Regardless, I did feel as though I was 'in heat', and I wondered if others could detect my arousal.
I know this may sound slutty of me, but I also started to wonder what sex would be like with other boys or men. What did their penises look like? Did they respond the same way Gary did? Did their semen smell and taste the same as Gary's? I could not help these wicked thoughts I was having; these thoughts just seemed to enter my mind uninvited. And once in, I could not purge these thoughts.
In the conference room at work one day, while sitting next to James, a young man who I had a mild crush on, I constructed a entire fantasy of me going down on him in the supply room while the manager at the head of the table rambled on and on about the economic momentum of our market sector. Although I barely heard a word of the lecture that day, I felt it was ironic that the fundamental premise was that once a body is set in motion, it will continue on that path until acted upon by another force. And my body was on a path of sexual awakening and discovery!
Then there was the whole intercourse question and decision. Gary was anxious to advance our activity to include penetrating me with his penis; and he was pushing me hard in that direction. Gary wanted me to either 'go on the pill', or he wanted me to agree that we could have intercourse if he got some condoms. So far, I had been non-committal on either option. I just was not yet ready to lose my virginity, and when I was ready, I was not sure I wanted it to be to my younger brother.
It was Thursday night, after Mom had 'shut it down for the night', Gary entered my room and introduced the subject once again. I was wearing a sleeveless shirt and my panties as my 'poor girl's pajamas'. Gary and I were past the point of any modesty around each other, so my level of exposure did not present any issue for either of us.
"Liz, you really need to go on the pill. There is no down side. And then when you are ready, you'll be ready." Gary was trying hard to seem rational and reasonable, rather than self serving with his arguments.
"Gary, that is a big step. And honestly, I don't know if that is something we should do now, or ever. So far we can claim we are 'playing around the edges'. We haven't 'sealed the deal', so to speak. And what we have now is plenty satisfying for both of us; at least it is for me. It is way more excitement than most kids our age have." I was talking to myself as well as to Gary; trying to convince myself that we needed to keep this last remaining boundary in place.
