" Oh my God. "
Those words gave me away. I should have been able to suppress my reaction and retreat quietly out of the apartment and go some place where I could get a stiff drink to calm my nerves. But is was too late, they saw me. The only thing I could do was run in my room and lock the door.
I tried to busy myself: first by staring at the same page of a book for five minutes, then I turned on the radio as loud as I could to drown out my thoughts. None of these things worked.
Maybe what I saw was a fabrication. I was awfully tired that day, that's why I came home early. I didn't expect my roommate to be there, I thought he was still at work. I just came home, opened the door, took off my coat, loosened my tie and walked toward my bedroom. It was out of habit that I looked into his room, it was on the way. And his door was open. Usually if he was busy or, engaged, his door was closed; well, it should have been closed this time. . As I passed my roommates room, I peered in and saw… I saw him on top of a girl, humping her.
Both parties were wearing shirts but no pants. It was all that skin that I noticed first. The girl's legs were raised in the air, naked hips were locked together in sexual gridlock. And that's when I noticed: There was my roommate Jude, fucking his own sister.
I tried to busy myself in my room to subdue the thoughts that I had. I flipped through some books and absent mindedly arranged objects on my nightstand. What I had seen was… it was disgusting. I mean I had known them both for a very long time. Jude and I met in grade school and his little sister Diane was always around. We grew up together and were like family. I guess that's what made it so appalling to me; the fact that it was like I caught my own brother and sister in that way. The whole thing, or at least what I knew of it, shamed me. And the betrayal of those two doing it with me around hurt so much. I had never felt so bad in my life.
I stayed in my room for several hours, trying to wait out Jude and Diane. I thought they might take my confinement as a cue to leave me alone for a while. Eventually I fell asleep but woke up as hunger got the best of me. It was quite late and I heard no sounds coming from the apartment. I opened my door a crack and peered out into the dark hall. I could see a light shining from underneath my roommate's door and I debated for a moment whether to venture out or not. Finally, I decided to make a quick dash to the kitchen, assemble some provisions and head back to my room. Unfortunately, there was no ready to eat food anywhere in our house and I had to settle upon cooking some soup over the stove.
As I let the pot boil, I heard Jude's door open and the creaking of the wood floor make their way down the hall towards me. I hunched over the stove and stirred the soup, trying to make myself look busy, hoping whoever it was wouldn't disturb me.
" Jake, man. " Jude called out from behind me in a subdued voice.
" What? " I answered harshly.
" What's going on, man? " he asked.
I stared into the pot for a bit before I answered. " Just making something to eat. "
He sighed and must have moved, because the floor creaked again. " Look Jake. I know what you saw was pretty… um, pretty weird but… "
Turning around quickly, faced him down. " But what, huh? There is nothing you can say that will explain the fact that you… you, you were doing that with your… with Diane! I mean, that's just wrong, I can't tell you how wrong it is. I mean, there's laws against it because it's so fucking wrong! "
Jude swallowed and looked at me with sad eyes. Lowering his head, he used his feet to trace invisible lines in the floor. I turned around again and stared at my meal but I suddenly was hungry anymore.
" Jake… you don't have to tell me how wrong it is. But, I mean, it just happened. Some things just happen and you try to fight them and you know they're wrong but there is nothing you can do. You have to understand, we didn't want this… I mean, I know it sounds awful, looks awful but really it's not that wrong. "
I couldn't take it anymore. I turned the stove off, dumped the soup in the sink and went to my bedroom.
The next day, as much as I tried to fight it, I couldn't stop thinking the previous night. What had earlier been a burning sense of anger in my chest, dropped down into my stomach and turned to an empty feeling of sadness. What they did was wrong. Moreover, for some reason I felt just as guilty as they were. It was a feeling that is still hard to explain but I felt as though what ever punishment they were to receive would not escape me as well.
The three of us had grown up together from way back and had shared in that time a sort of sexual awakening that I always felt was quite normal. I can still remember the day I rushed to Jude's house with a adult video I had borrowed from a kid at school. We sat in his room and just stared at the tape while we waited for his parents to leave. As soon as they were safely down the street, we popped the thing in and were introduced to sex for the first time. It certainly wasn't the only time either: During more times than I could count we masturbated together and once and only once, we masturbated each other. I had never thought anything of that or any other instances. Rather, they were fond memories of growing up with a best friend.
Because Diane was roughly 2 years younger than me, I felt she was of more a bratty little sister than a peer or sexual creature. She was always trying to tag along with Jude and I and we both spent a great deal of our time trying to shake her off of our tails. As we got older, Diane found her own friends in high school and we ran with different crowds. Still, she was like family and we regarded each other very well. There was one time I caught her undressing though: She was doing laundry and when I walked in on her, her shirt was above her head and her breasts were exposed. Diane never knew I was there because I quietly backed away. I remember feeling a little ashamed at the moment; I never thought of her in a sexual manner.
Jude I had lived together for several years and were so comfortable with each other that living apart never really entered our minds. Well, I suppose I must speak for myself on that account. Diane, by coincidence, moved into the same neighborhood when she went to college and the three of hung out on a regular basis.
I decided to walk home that day both to clear my head and kill time until Jude was at work. I no longer was quite as disgusted and alarmed as I had been but I still didn't want to confront either of them, knowing this situation wouldn't pass without an eventual conversation on the matter. But, I had no such luck.
As I walked up my street I could see Diane sitting on our stoop. For a second I thought about turning around and going somewhere else. But, I sucked in my chest and headed home.
As I approached my building, Diane made no effort to get up. Instead, she reached into her pocket, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and placed one in her mouth.
" Do you have a light? " she asked.
Reaching into my own pocket, I retrieved my lighter and held it up to her face. She leaned into the flame and brought her hands up to shield it from the wind. There was a brief brush of skin on my hand and I flinched.
Diane looked up at me with an expression that said she was quite hurt by my reaction. I fumbled for my keys and opened the door.
" Jake, can I come in for a minute? "
I wanted to tell her no, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. She seemed just as pained as I was over this situation. I shrugged my shoulders and walked into the building, leaving the door open so she could follow. I marched up the steps with Diane trailing a short distance behind. Inside my apartment, we didn't say anything to each other for a long time.. As Diane sat on the couch, smoking another cigarette I put a pot of tea on. I poured two glasses and placed Diane's cup on the coffee table. I didn't sit down next her. Rather I just stood there and looked down at her. Her eyes were on the steam rising from the hot tea.
" Jake, I don't know if you talked to Jude or what he said. " She paused for a moment then it all came out in one long sentence. " But, it just happened, I don't really know how or remember when. We knew it was wrong. We… well, I feel dirty all the time but honestly… "
But honestly what? I wanted to know. That you like it? That you love to fuck your brother?
Diane looked up at me, tears were forming in her eyes. I think she knew what I was thinking. " It was both of us. I mean, we both, mutually, did it. Rather, have been doing it. For about a year now. It's just physical, that's all it is. I mean, there's nothing really to a purely physical relationships. It's just sex. "
I slammed the cup down hard on the table and started to pace the room. " Oh god Diane! Do you hear yourself? This is not some guy… it's you brother. Your brother! This is not something you are supposed to do with him. I mean, you guys are like family to me… it's so upsetting. I just, I just can't believe you would… with him…"
