I have never been so pissed off in my entire life. Not only had Kara denied our exclusivity, but she has shattered all hopes of us having a future together. That bitch had told me she loved me. She had gotten me to express my secret; she had gotten me to confess that have been in love with her for over two years when she jumped into my bed. She had attacked me in the middle of the night; whereas before I was grateful for her impromptu decision, now I cursed her for it. I opened my heart up to her, and as soon as she could, she had slammed the metaphorical door in my face. For a short twenty-four hour period I was on top of the world. All of my prays had been answered and all my dreams had come true. Then in one fell swoop, everything was gone. It was liked I had found my paradise only to have it suddenly taken away from me. I had never felt so alone and miserable in my entire life.
Even then, as I sat in my Tuesday economics lecture, I found myself unable to concentrate. As the professor rambled on about god knows what, I found myself thinking of ways I could crush Kara's spirits. My anger only allowed me to concentrate on how I was going to make that bitch suffer. Nothing around me mattered; all I could think about was revenge.
The last few days had seemed like nothing more than a blur. I was a shell of my former self, a zombie oblivious to the outside world. I don't recall much after I received her text. I don't remember how long I stayed at the cemetery, I don't recollect on how I got the car back home, and I really don't know what all my going through my head after Kara had ruined my life. The only thing I do actually remember is pulling into my Aunt's driveway at the exact time Kara was walking out the front door. In my anger and confusion, I actually shifted the car into reverse before speeding away, with my tail between my legs. I could not stand the sight of her. Even though she was beautiful, all I saw, when I looked at her in that moment, was hatred. I didn't even have the heart to glance back at her as I drove off. In an attempt to flee from my heart, I just drove.
Minutes seemed to turn into hours as I drifted from place to place, driving the car in no particular direction. In actuality, I had simply pulled off in a parking lot about two miles up the road, but in my confused state, it seemed like I had driven for days. I hated her so much. How could she have done this to me? I had given my heart, and she had repaid me with blood. Did that cunt even know what real love was? Did she understand that loving someone meant always wanting to be with them, doing whatever you could to make sure that they were happy? Before this, I would have been willing to sacrifice anything, just as long as it brought her peace. I knew I understood what love was, but for Kara, the word love was something that she apparently just threw around nonchalantly. To me anyways, it seemed like she never even taking the time to understand the deeper meaning of the word.
A small hole had formed in my heart. All the years of longing for Kara were suddenly replaced with a deep seeded hatred for her. I was so angry. I felt it necessary to hurt her like the way that she had hurt me. I wanted her to experience a pain similar to the one that she had caused me. There was no way that we could possibly ever recover from this. She had gone from my cousin, to my lover, to the most vial person in existence, in a matter of days. As I rubbed the tears from my eyes, I started thinking of possible ways to get back at her.
I knew that I had to show her that she too meant nothing to me; for I was damn sure that that was how she regarded me. There had to be something that I could do to show her just how little I thought of her in that moment. Some act that would further drive the lynch pin between us. Screw the fact that she was still my cousin. I didn't care anymore. She had broken my heart. I had to get rid of her from life. Damn I thought as I remembered she had been in my bed. How was I going to be able to sleep at night knowing what we had shared in there? How many times would I have to wash the sheets to rid them of her smell? Would I have to burn them? Would I have to get a new mattress?
My mind was running in circles; Kara this, Kara that....Kara, Kara, Kara. I had to get the thoughts of her out of my head. I had to do something to make this hurt disappear. As my thought process continued to twirl, I kept finding myself coming back to the concept of making everything disappear. Instantly I knew what I had to do. I needed to act like the last few days had never happened. To not acknowledge them would show her that they hadn't really mattered. While I was lying to myself about how I felt about her, I figured it would be the best way to move on with my life. To act as if she was nothing more than a small blip in my life that was already forgotten would hopefully crush her. It was a good starting point, but over time I would need to figure out more things to do to her.
I also resolved myself to forget about my feelings for Kara too. That dream of being with her was just that, a dream. Though I had a short window to live out the fantasy, I saw that there was no possibility of it ever becoming real. There was no chance that the two of us could ever grow old together; no chance of us ever starting a family together. I needed something real, something to grasp a hold of and never let go. I was clear that I was never going to experience that with Kara. I had danced too close to the sun and got burned. My arrogance and foolishness had gotten the better of me. I was an idiot for thinking that Kara and I could ever be happy. I vowed to never again allow myself to experience that level of pain. I was now in charge of my destiny. I would be the one who determined how my life turned out.
The turmoil of the last few days, I was sure, had already cost me one family member. I was sure that I would never be able to look at Kara the same way again. Honestly, I figured it would be best to just go through life ignoring her for the most part. However, because I had lost one sibling, I swore to myself that I would never let myself do anything to hurt either Jess or Maura. They were to become my rocks and I was to become theirs. I needed to go out of my way to further build upon those two relationships. Feeling content with my thought process, I finally pulled out of the parking lot, and again made my way to Aunt Tia's house. I returned her car before bolting back to my dorm room to be alone with my thoughts.
Once in my dorm, my anger got the better of me as I threw my desk chair across the room. Even with my resolve to move on with my life, I was still furious. I threw my face into my pillow and just screamed. I shouted my frustrations into the soft feathers in an attempt to erase some of my mental anguish. As tears continued to run down my cheeks, I hollered again and again, anything to take my mind off of the blond bombshell who had suddenly destroyed my life. Clenching my hands into fist, I repeatedly slammed them down into my comforter. Though I hated Kara, I never thought I was hitting her as I slammed down my fist. Even in my rage I knew it was wrong to ever want to physically hurt her in any way. Instead, all my anger was directed towards my mattress. The wrath that overtook my body seemed relentless. Had someone seen me in this weakened state I am sure they would have feared for their own safety.
Finally, overcome with exhaustion, I began to settle down as my anger receded. After my emotional outcry, I started to look at my overall situation. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another one suddenly opens. JENELLE! How could I have forgotten about her? While every fiber in my body hated Kara for what she had done to me, a sudden flicker of positivity sprang forth throughout me as Jenelle came into focus. Maybe, just maybe, there was a potential silver lining to my story after all.
As quickly as she appeared into my thoughts, I was forced to drive her out. There was no way I was ready to instantly throw myself in another relationship. She would be an instant rebound, and I cared too much about her at this point to ever subject her to such cruelty. She deserved better, and in my emotional state, I was not sure if I could treat her how she needed to be treated. However, I wanted to see her again. When I was with her, I actually hardly ever thought about Kara. I began to wonder, would she actually be considered a rebound girl then? I honestly didn't have a clear answer. I have always thought of myself as a pretty upstanding gentleman, so whatever I was going to do in regards to Jenelle, I knew that I was going to make sure I was ready for it. I needed to put what was best for her above what was best for me. This was not a situation that I should just jump into feet first while worrying about the consequences later. I liked her and wanted to see where it potentially could go.
As Jess raised her hand to respond to one of the professors questions, I was brought back into the present. As difficult as it was to keep my emotions in check, I had to put on a brave face for my cousin. However, my situation was made even more difficult by the fact that Jenelle also happened to be taking the same class. I honestly don't know how I missed her before. When bored overtook me, I used to let my eyes wonder throughout the classroom in an attempt to distract myself from the professor's lecture. I knew that the room consisted of 86 ceiling tiles, 17 light fixtures plus 4 exists. I knew that there were roughly 100 people in the class, and for the most part, I knew where a majority of them tended to sit. In all that time, I never noticed that Jenelle was also in attendance. She must have sat somewhere in the back corner of the room, at least prior to that day, as she had recently taken up residence on my left side while Jess sat on my right.
As Jess and I entered the class, to grab our usual seats, we were both surprised to bump into Jenelle. Personally, I was beyond shocked, but at the same time, I was very pleased to see her. As I made the introductions, the three of us decided to sit together. Jess had heard a little bit about Jenelle, most likely because of Maura. I assumed Maura had told Jess about our conversation; the one where I said that I was considering dating Jenelle. The two girls exchanged pleasantries, and for the most part, seemed to get along rather well. As we sat there, I pretty much just let them have their own conversation, only interjecting when they attempted to draw me into the discussion. For the most part, their conversation did little to hold my interest; it wasn't till the topic of how Jenelle and I met came up, that I found myself really listening to what they had to say.
Apparently, Jenelle first saw me during out Freshman Orientation, and from what she told Jess, she thought that I was pretty cute. At the time (when this conversation actually took place), I was unable to recall seeing her during orientation weekend (later on, after I jumped off the emotional rollercoaster, I was able to recall her). Since Orientation weekend, she had been looking for a way to meet me. It wasn't until her brother Seth and I started to form a friendship that she actually worked up the nerve to set up our meeting. I must say that hearing this, even while depressed, brought a small smile to my face. After they changed subjects, I again tuned them out, drifting off into the dark corners of my mind. The girls kept up their discussion for another few minutes before the professor arrived, signaling the start of class.
