My mind has been overcome by the reality of what has happened between myself and my daughter, Katie. I never expected it, never fantasized about it, and now that its happened I can't quite get my mind around it. It's unbelievable.
Getting divorced 9 years ago did not stop me from being active in the raising of my daughter. Although I was no longer with her on a daily basis the weekly overnight and weekend visits happened regularly. I supported her at school events, holidays, weekends, vacation. If my daughter was doing something important she could always count on me to be there. We stayed close even after she graduated from high school. I was pleased when she decided to move into her own apartment, get a job, and go to classes at the local community college. She got hired at a local fast food restaurant, and started coming over once a week to my place to enjoy the hottub and pool, do some laundry and have a quiet place to do her homework. I kept her bedroom available to her, and she would still spend the night occasionally.
Nudity was never a big issue at my house. Over the years there have been times where I've seen my daughter nude, and where she has seen me nude. It never struck me as odd, or out of place, or even erotic. For instance, when she was younger she would come downstairs for a bite to eat, and be just in her towel. If the towel would slip, she'd laugh and put it back on, no big deal. It was always something like that...normal exposure, no big deal. As for myself being exposed, one time as I recall I had decided to cross the hall from the bathroom to my bedroom because it was so hot and I didn't need a towel, and I basically ran into her, and then I continued on into the bedroom. No big deal. However, last year for Labor Day, she came over for a 2 day stay, and I'll never forget it. I don't think she will either.
It started out normal enough. She had been doing some pre-class reading for the upcoming semester. Throwing her dirty clothes in the laundry, she headed out for the hottub and pool where she was enjoying the sun and my facilities. Towards the end of the day she came in for dinner. I had made something simple and we sat down together at the kitchen table to enjoy it. It was at that time the subject of nudity came up in a way I had never considered before. Apparently, Katie had become aware of a modeling opportunity through her work at the restaurant, and she wanted to get my advice about it. Apparently, the modeling involved a "magazine" that was doing a photo shoot of girls who worked at her restaurant, and from sister restaurants all across the country. She offered a further explanation.
"Its for a Men's Magazine," she continued.
"Oh yeah? That sounds intereting." I began to wonder where this conversation was going.
"It's for Playboy," she stated matter of factly. She sank back into her chair, and watched me closely. I could see she was trying to gauge what my initial reaction would be, apparently expecting me to be upset.
"Really." I offered no indication. "Playboy...huh. That's interesting." I wasn't sure what to say. After all, she didn't need my permission, but I loved her so much. My initial concern was only to encourage her along the road to making good choices. This particular choice she was facing was one I had never considered. "What does it involve?"
"Well, its no big deal. First of all I have to submit the application which involves filling out some paperwork. I also have to send in some pictures. Then, if I'm chosen, I guess I'd go to Los Angeles for the shoot...and it would probably involve...nudity." She said that last word in a way that made me wonder if she was really comfortable with the idea, or if she didn't think she could handle it.
"Sounds very interesting," I offered plainly. I was trying to keep the ball in her court. I needed more information. "How do you feel about it?"
"I'm not sure how I feel about it. The application has to be mailed by Thursday, and I haven't even started it. I don't even have any of the pictures done to submit, so I'm leaning towards not doing it. But I'm considering it. The pictures I need taken now don't have to be nude. Just a swimsuit and a headshot. But I can submit nude or topless ones now if I want to." She picked up her plate and headed over to the sink to put it into the dishwasher. I stayed at my spot pondering the ramifications.
I opened my mouth, which surprised me, and said, "Hmmm." I was surprised when I started to speak how much my heart started beating faster. The feeling inside me was something like a danger warning. It reminded me of when I was about to do something exciting that I wasn't sure I was supposed to do. I pushed on, "I have a digital camera if you want to use it." She didn't say anything in response, but kept cleaning the dishes. "It doesn't bother me, if that's what you're worried about."
"It doesn't? I thought it might."
"No. It doesn't. I look at Playboy pictures. They are my favorite kind of nude photos because they are so respectful of the girls bodies. I'd be totally comfortable with you doing it. I even have a video of the Girls of Enron Playboy video. It sounds like that's what they'll be doing. Do you want to see some of it?"
"Yes." She paused, and went on, "I've never really looked at Playboy before, video or magazine. I've just seen some HBO movies that had some nudity. I'm not sure how I feel about it."
"Okay. I'll grab it. Let's do the rest of these later." I left my plate on the table and went to my office and grabbed the video from my filing cabinet. As I was walking to the family room, it occurred to me I was about to be watching nude video footage with my daughter. I had never done this before, and I was extremely excited by the idea. I pushed the DVD in to the player and got the TV set up to show it. She was already sitting on the couch, leaning forward in her torn denim shorts and yellow summer tank top. I grabbed the remote and went to sit next to her. "Okay. Let's watch a little bit of it, see what you think." The video began and was really fantastic. There was footage of the girls getting their hair made up for the photo shoot, talking about how nice everyone was, and basically prancing around nude. It showed their whole day from beginning to end, and even some footage from their home towns. As I was watching it, I got a little aroused and had to adjust my position. For some reason, I felt totally comfortable reaching down and adjusting my cock while she was right next to me. It just seemed okay to do given the situation. It was obvious what I was doing, and without changing her expression she would watch me do it from time to time and then go back to watching the video footage.
When the video was done, she asked, "Did you like that, Dad?" I immediately felt persecuted. Was she asking me if I liked adjusting my cock in front of her while she watched? Was she criticizing me for showing my only daughter nude videos? I hadn't felt guiltly about looking at Playboy videos since I was a out of college, so I decided to confront the insinuation head on.
"Yes, I liked it. I like that kind of stuff. That's why I bought it. I think its good viewing and entertaining. Its erotic, too. I like watching the girls just talk while they're naked to the cameraman. I think they are beautiful and sexy. But I never thought you'd be in something like this."
"Me either." She paused, leaning back on the sofa and falling down onto the arm rest, looking at me. "I think I want to do it. Will you help me get the pictures done?"
"I can help you," I answered without really thinking about it. I really wanted to take some of her nude, but didn't think it would be appropriate. "I think I could handle the headshot and bikini shots...but the rest of it, I don't know if they would be a good idea."