Daddys Girl 50

"Hey Tom, it's Margot, I need a favor." Damn! Right out of the blue. I was half asleep, enjoying my Saturday morning, when the phone rang, and I didn't even recognize the number. Margot is my ex, and I hear from her maybe four or five times a year, mostly around holidays. Or if she has a problem.

"Sorry to have to bother you, but I'm going out of town tomorrow for five days, to a convention, and I'm having my condo repainted while I'm gone. Problem is, Jenny's home from college for the summer and she needs a place to stay. Could you possibly let her use your spare room?"

"Umm, I guess so. Can't she stay with Steven? Seems to me your latest flame should be willing to help out." Jenny is her daughter. Actually, I wanted to jump at the chance to say yes and have Jenny around for a few days. But I didn't want to make it too easy for Margot, and I was a little uncertain what my relationship with Jenny was supposed to be now.

Jenny was four when we married, her father three years dead, and she was a sweet little thing, even then. I brought up the subject of adopting her more than once, but Margot was very reluctant to have me do it. So it never happened. Now, I wasn't her step-dad or anything else, even though she had lived with us for the eleven years of our marriage, right here in my house, and we became very close. In fact, she had called me daddy, then dad, and had never known any other father. But now, I only saw her a few times a year, usually when I brought her a gift; birthday, Christmas and sometimes, just for a chance to see her.

"Believe me Tom, I thought of that first, but he doesn't know her very well and I'm not sure how thrilled he would be. Or even if I'd trust him with her. But the main reason is, Jenny hates Steven. Tom, you know she loves you like a father, and I don't think that will ever change. Maybe I hoped it would once, but you were a wonderful father figure to her and I see now that it's for the best as it is. I offered to let her come on the trip with me, but she said she'd rather stay with you. In fact, it was her idea. And I was hoping you'd like it too. You were always close to her."

I couldn't lie about that. "Margot, if she wants to and it's really okay with you, I'd love to have her. I just don't want to step on any toes here. You did leave me in sort of an awkward situation."

There was a long pause. Then a sigh. "Tom, I have to admit something to you. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage, but the biggest one was not letting you adopt her. I can't even remember the reasons, now, why I wasn't sure about it, but it was stupid. I know both of you would have loved it that way. But don't worry, she hasn't lost any of her feelings for you, she still thinks of you as "dad". I told her maybe she should call you Tom now but she didn't like that idea one bit. I'll let the two of you work that out, whatever you're both comfortable with."

I was smiling ear to ear when I heard that, and shocked as hell that Margot would actually say it. Maybe because she needed this favor. But it sounded more genuine than that.

"Well that's great then, Margot. Just let me know when she's ready and I'll come pick her up." Margot laughed.

"Tom! She's still your girl, but not a little girl any more. She's twenty! And she has a very nice car now, thank you. She'll drive over when she's ready, probably Sunday afternoon. She knows the way. She used to live there!"

Oh god, I had forgotten. Had it really been five long years since we lived together? And suddenly I felt a little pain as I realized I'd missed seeing her grow up. This would be the first time I got to spend more than a few hours with her. Already I looked forward to this time more than I could say. I got the house cleaned up, especially Jenny's old room, and went shopping to stock up the refrigerator a little, and by Sunday noon I was ready and waiting for her.

In fact, I couldn't sit still very long. I was looking out the window for a bit, then getting up and pacing around the house, just to relieve the tension. Ever since Margot's call I had become more and more anxious to see my little Jenny. A lot of images I'd forgotten came floating back, of the times together when we were a family.

Just after two, a car pulled up to the curb, but it wasn't what I expected somehow. It was a white Mustang; I'd seen it before at their condo, but I had assumed it was Margot's. And I got a much bigger shock a second later when a tall, willowy, blonde young woman got out, wearing a pink sun dress with little strawberries all over it. And she came bouncing up the front walk, almost running, as I headed for the front door.

My god, it really was my Jenny! And when I stepped out on the front porch she gave me a smile that would make angels sing! All the thoughts of the little girl I knew vanished as it sank in that this beautiful creature was my "daughter", which was how I'd come to think of her. When she was a couple of steps from me she exclaimed, "Daddy!" and literally threw herself into my arms. We squeezed each other tight and I picked her up and swirled her around in a circle once before releasing my grip on her. And then she went up on tip-toes and planted a kiss on my cheek.

We were almost euphoric, and I knew it was because it was the first time in years we had the chance to be alone together and renew our acquaintance. All the other times I'd seen her had been just a few short hours at the most, making polite conversation, always with Margot hovering around. And it was obvious from both her reaction and mine how we really felt about each other.

I put my arm around her waist and escorted her into the house, and she was still clinging to me. And as soon as we plopped down on the couch together she began to chatter, just like I remembered when she was excited. Still some of the little girl left in her!

"Dad!" She stopped for just a second. "I hope you don't mind, mom told me I should call you Tom. But you'll always be daddy to me. You're the only father I have, and always will be!"

Right then I couldn't resist. I had tears in my eyes when I reached for her and gave her another tight hug, so relieved and happy she felt that way. "Of course, baby. You'll always be my little girl, you know that. I wouldn't have it be any other way!" And I kissed her on the cheek. Then I added, "What's between us will always be between us, and it doesn't matter what Margot thinks. You are the best thing I ever got from her."

But I wasn't prepared for what happened next. She put her head down on my chest and clung to me. And she began to sob, uncontrollably. It lasted a couple of minutes, I wasn't sure what was happening, but I just held her quietly and let her cry it out. And finally she lifted her tear-streaked face, pushed herself up and kissed me softly ... on the lips. And she had the strangest look on her face. Then she turned around and leaned back against me, and when I put my arms around her she snuggled back against my chest.

Then she began to talk again, not the idle chatter of a few moments ago, but almost a reverie. Occasionally she'd ask a question, requiring only a one word answer for affirmation of her thoughts. "Dad, I don't even know if I should tell you this, but ever since mom took me away from you, you've been in my thoughts. I think even more often now than when we first left. When I have dreams you are always part of them, never Margot.

"Sometimes it's about things we did together, usually when I was just a little girl. Like going to the lake with you. You taught me how to swim, first at the lake, then in our pool. She was never even around when we did that. Remember daddy?" I nodded and gave her a little squeeze, so she'd know. That was a priceless memory for me too.

"Now I'm on the college swim team; did you know that? And doing pretty well too. I got a couple of medals this past season."

"No honey, Margot never told me that," I said with sadness in my voice. God, how I'd have loved to be there to see you!

"Damn her!" She turned suddenly in my arms and looked me in the face. "I would have been so happy and proud if you could have been there! She never even bothered to come! But I thought you probably knew and just couldn't make it."

"If I'd known I'd have been there sweetheart. Margot couldn't have kept me away. From now on, if you have anything important going on, let me know. And you have another season; I promise I'll make it every chance I have." Suddenly there was a fire inside of me. I wasn't just sad, I was angry! Margot knew I would have cared very much about that. She just cut me out of Jenny's life! That was going to change!

She reached up and brushed my face with her hand, before settling against me once more. "I think about lots of other things too, sometimes. Like how we used to go hiking together. Especially the day we went around the lake and met the bear! God I was so scared! I wanted to run but you told me to get behind you and not move. And he began to come towards us, but you started yelling and shouting and waving your arms. And he ran away! I couldn't believe it! He would have eaten me! I was so proud of you!

"But I remember other things about hiking too, like the day we found the big patch of blackberries and ate until we were both stuffed. I've wished for berries like that ever since. And I remember how I pricked my leg on a thorn and it bled. And how you cleaned it and put on a bandage and kissed it better for me. I know you felt it as much as I did. You even carried me piggyback for a little ways after that. I didn't need to be carried, but I loved knowing you'd do that for me. I always felt so safe with you.

"And I have other dreams too." Another big smile lit up her face. "Not of things we did, but of things we might have done. Of us just being together. Sometimes I wake up almost crying, I'm so sad we missed out on so much. But others, I have a big smile on my face and you're all I can think of for a while."

It was only a matter or an hour or so, but as we sat together on the couch, talking quietly, the five years apart suddenly disappeared, and it was like it had been, before the break-up. She was my little girl, and I now realized like never before how close we'd been. How close we still were. I'd always known I loved her and of course she had loved me like a father. And now I was almost glowing, knowing the feelings between us were still there and strong as ever.

We went beyond the personal remembrances and caught up on each other's lives. I had been to her high school graduation, one of the few things Margot had bothered to invite me for, and I told her how proud I was that day, especially when she was announced as valedictorian of her class. But she looked at me with a big smile.

"Daddy, I wish mom had let us talk that day, so bad. I always wondered if you were proud of me, but I was sure you would be. I hope you realize you had a big part in that. It started years before, when you sat with me by the hour, helping me with homework, drilling me for tests, even though I was only in junior high then. You taught me how to study and showed me how interesting things could be that I'd thought were drudgery. And I kept up the good habits you gave me, partially because I'd learned how good it felt when I got top grades as a reward. And partially, because I didn't want to let you down.

"And to this day it's really the same. I'm doing great, and it's because of the wonderful start you gave me. And I think of that a lot when I have a test and I'm having a hard time preparing. I remember how you would have coaxed me and urged me on. You were never cross or mean, just encouraging." And she gave me another big hug.

We went out and walked around the yard so she could see how it had changed, the trees were larger now, the bushes fuller, and I still had a few nice little flower gardens. The ones she used to help me with. But her favorite thing had always been the pool, and soon she tugged my hand and led me inside the enclosure. And she shut her eyes. "Dad, I can still remember the lessons you gave me. You'd hold me up and make me kick till I thought my legs would break. I remember how sore and tired I'd be, and sometimes I was a little mad at you for pushing me so hard. But now I can out-kick almost anybody! And in a close race that makes all the difference!"

I put my arms around her and pulled her back against me, just holding her. I was remembering too, and there was a little pain in my heart, knowing I'd lost all that too soon.

I took her out to dinner, now realizing she was a grown up young woman, and I was proud to be seen with my beautiful daughter. And I almost made the mistake of asking her if she wanted something to drink, until I realized that while she was considered an adult, she still wasn't old enough for that.

We had a great time, chatting so much we almost let the food get cold, but then she reached out and put her hand on mine and looked me in the eye. "Dad, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but do you ... do you have a girlfriend? Is there a woman in your life now? A guy as great as you shouldn't be alone."

Oh god, that was a tough one. I really didn't want to go into details with her. Sure I went out some, but any relations I had with women were one night stands or weekends at the most. After Margot I was too afraid to get emotionally attached again. But I decided to try and gloss over it. "No honey, I have some good friends that are women and once in a while I go out. But never anything steady. I just don't want to get tied down again."

"Aww daddy, I don't like the idea of sharing you with anyone, but you are a wonderful dad and a wonderful man. You deserve some happiness and satisfaction in life. I'm sure there is a woman somewhere, waiting for you, that would make you happy and keep you that way. You don't have a mean bone in your body, and I know you could keep any woman satisfied." And she stared at me with a big smile.

I was hating this conversation. Of course she was right; my life was hell in some ways, wanting, needing and never having any of the pleasure I desired. The pleasure of a woman of my own to be close to. To love. But there was no way I could say that to Jenny.

I tried to smile at her as I said, "Honey, you don't know that. Maybe I don't have what it takes to make a woman happy and keep her that way. I sure as hell wasn't enough for your mother." As soon as those words were out of my mouth I hated myself. There was no reason to denigrate her mother or bring up the dirty laundry of our marriage to Jenny.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry, I should never have said that!" I pleaded.

Her hand tightened on mine. "It's ok dad, I was 12 when the troubles started and 15 when you had taken all you could and divorced her. No man should have to take what she did to you."

She was quiet, pulled her hand back and looked down at her plate. But finally she said, forcefully, "I know you would be enough and more for any normal woman. In fact I bet you would be the delight of her life!"

Silence again. Then she looked at me rather shyly and said, softly, "Dad, I was very young, barely 12, but ... I watched you together. More than once. I didn't know enough then to be sure what you were doing, and it looked kind of violent. But I know how happy and excited mom sounded. And you too. And how you cuddled afterwards. It made me jealous a little. And I can still remember exactly what I saw and heard. Daddy, when I was old enough to know what you were doing, just remembering used to make me so hot and excited I'd lose control. And I wished I had been mom."

She turned bright red and didn't want to look up at me.

It was my turn to reach and touch her hand. "Oh baby, it's okay, it's only natural to wonder what mom and dad do together, especially if they make as much noise as we did. At least I'm glad you saw us during the good times. The last year or so, all we did at night was fight. Half the time I slept on the couch. That's not usually how parents provide sex education, but at least I guess you got the idea.

"Now it's your turn Jenny. Tell me a little about your life. I don't mean to pry, but have you got a boyfriend? Do you like to dance? Do you go out a lot? I don't know anything about what you're up to now."

She laughed at the sudden question. "If it was anyone but you I'd consider that prying, but I guess my dad's got a right to know. No daddy, no special boyfriend, but I do know a couple of guys I've gone out with several times. And a couple of more that are sort of buddies, but I wouldn't mind dating. And I study with one really quiet one on the men's swim team that I wonder about. And yes, I love to dance! There's a couple of clubs near the college that are geared towards the students so you don't have to be able to drink, and if I go out it's usually to one of them. But I don't go anywhere too often because I'm still trying to keep my grades up.

"Actually, I was more socially active in high school, but I almost got in trouble once so I've been pretty careful since then. I like guys and some of them seem to like me, but I just don't have time for anything serious. So for now, I'm daddy's good girl." She giggled and smirked.

I was a little bit curious about the "trouble" she almost got into, but I'd already pried enough, so I let it slide.

When we got home it was getting late and we were both full, so we sat down together on the couch to watch TV. She pulled her feet up and curled up next to me and it brought back memories of when she was 10 or 12, doing just the same thing. But when I looked over at her I couldn't get over the fact that she was this beautiful, full grown woman snuggling against me. And the thought suddenly hit me that there hadn't been many women, and certainly none so beautiful, in my whole life who wanted to snuggle like that and trusted me so completely.

We were both pretty quiet, and after a couple of hours I found myself getting drowsy, but when I looked down at her I realized she was already sound asleep. I shook her lightly. "Jenny."

She moaned lightly and then opened sleepy eyes to look up at me. "Daddy!" she said, a big happy smile lighting her face.

"Time for bed kitten. But I'll see you in the morning if you're up. I have to go to work tomorrow, since your mother didn't give me much notice, but if you want I'll try and take a few days off so we can take advantage of our time together."

Her face lit up but she said, "Daddy! Kitten!"

Oh oh, I'd called her that when she and Margot first came to live with us, partially because I wasn't sure what I should call her and partially because it seemed to fit her so well. She seemed to like it, but after a few years she asked me to please stop, because it embarrassed her in front of her friends. And I never called her that again. But now, it just slipped out, I don't know why, and I was sure she would be furious at me. I started, "Oh honey, I'm sor ..." but she interrupted me.

"Dad, it's okay. In fact I love it! I never forgot that name; I remember how you called me that. And I used to love it until the kids made fun of me. But now no one will make fun, it's just between us. Please don't stop! It makes me want to purr!" She giggled, then added, "I'd love it if you could get off so we can have some more time together."

As I headed off to bed my heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. It felt so good to have someone in the house who belonged, who wanted to be there, and who I cared for so deeply. It took a while to fall asleep; I was mulling over things we could do, places we could go, and most of all, how nice it was to just have her here. I realized, I felt a lot more for her than I had allowed myself to recognize, and yet somehow, she was so grown-up, so different in just five years that it was almost like getting to know someone new. And for the first time in a long time I felt a strong yearning for someone in my life, wanting to love and be loved.