"Hey Tom, it's Margot, I need a favor." Damn! Right out of the blue. I was half asleep, enjoying my Saturday morning, when the phone rang, and I didn't even recognize the number. Margot is my ex, and I hear from her maybe four or five times a year, mostly around holidays. Or if she has a problem.
"Sorry to have to bother you, but I'm going out of town tomorrow for five days, to a convention, and I'm having my condo repainted while I'm gone. Problem is, Jenny's home from college for the summer and she needs a place to stay. Could you possibly let her use your spare room?"
"Umm, I guess so. Can't she stay with Steven? Seems to me your latest flame should be willing to help out." Jenny is her daughter. Actually, I wanted to jump at the chance to say yes and have Jenny around for a few days. But I didn't want to make it too easy for Margot, and I was a little uncertain what my relationship with Jenny was supposed to be now.
Jenny was four when we married, her father three years dead, and she was a sweet little thing, even then. I brought up the subject of adopting her more than once, but Margot was very reluctant to have me do it. So it never happened. Now, I wasn't her step-dad or anything else, even though she had lived with us for the eleven years of our marriage, right here in my house, and we became very close. In fact, she had called me daddy, then dad, and had never known any other father. But now, I only saw her a few times a year, usually when I brought her a gift; birthday, Christmas and sometimes, just for a chance to see her.
"Believe me Tom, I thought of that first, but he doesn't know her very well and I'm not sure how thrilled he would be. Or even if I'd trust him with her. But the main reason is, Jenny hates Steven. Tom, you know she loves you like a father, and I don't think that will ever change. Maybe I hoped it would once, but you were a wonderful father figure to her and I see now that it's for the best as it is. I offered to let her come on the trip with me, but she said she'd rather stay with you. In fact, it was her idea. And I was hoping you'd like it too. You were always close to her."
I couldn't lie about that. "Margot, if she wants to and it's really okay with you, I'd love to have her. I just don't want to step on any toes here. You did leave me in sort of an awkward situation."
There was a long pause. Then a sigh. "Tom, I have to admit something to you. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage, but the biggest one was not letting you adopt her. I can't even remember the reasons, now, why I wasn't sure about it, but it was stupid. I know both of you would have loved it that way. But don't worry, she hasn't lost any of her feelings for you, she still thinks of you as "dad". I told her maybe she should call you Tom now but she didn't like that idea one bit. I'll let the two of you work that out, whatever you're both comfortable with."
I was smiling ear to ear when I heard that, and shocked as hell that Margot would actually say it. Maybe because she needed this favor. But it sounded more genuine than that.
"Well that's great then, Margot. Just let me know when she's ready and I'll come pick her up." Margot laughed.
"Tom! She's still your girl, but not a little girl any more. She's twenty! And she has a very nice car now, thank you. She'll drive over when she's ready, probably Sunday afternoon. She knows the way. She used to live there!"
Oh god, I had forgotten. Had it really been five long years since we lived together? And suddenly I felt a little pain as I realized I'd missed seeing her grow up. This would be the first time I got to spend more than a few hours with her. Already I looked forward to this time more than I could say. I got the house cleaned up, especially Jenny's old room, and went shopping to stock up the refrigerator a little, and by Sunday noon I was ready and waiting for her.
In fact, I couldn't sit still very long. I was looking out the window for a bit, then getting up and pacing around the house, just to relieve the tension. Ever since Margot's call I had become more and more anxious to see my little Jenny. A lot of images I'd forgotten came floating back, of the times together when we were a family.
Just after two, a car pulled up to the curb, but it wasn't what I expected somehow. It was a white Mustang; I'd seen it before at their condo, but I had assumed it was Margot's. And I got a much bigger shock a second later when a tall, willowy, blonde young woman got out, wearing a pink sun dress with little strawberries all over it. And she came bouncing up the front walk, almost running, as I headed for the front door.
My god, it really was my Jenny! And when I stepped out on the front porch she gave me a smile that would make angels sing! All the thoughts of the little girl I knew vanished as it sank in that this beautiful creature was my "daughter", which was how I'd come to think of her. When she was a couple of steps from me she exclaimed, "Daddy!" and literally threw herself into my arms. We squeezed each other tight and I picked her up and swirled her around in a circle once before releasing my grip on her. And then she went up on tip-toes and planted a kiss on my cheek.
We were almost euphoric, and I knew it was because it was the first time in years we had the chance to be alone together and renew our acquaintance. All the other times I'd seen her had been just a few short hours at the most, making polite conversation, always with Margot hovering around. And it was obvious from both her reaction and mine how we really felt about each other.
I put my arm around her waist and escorted her into the house, and she was still clinging to me. And as soon as we plopped down on the couch together she began to chatter, just like I remembered when she was excited. Still some of the little girl left in her!
"Dad!" She stopped for just a second. "I hope you don't mind, mom told me I should call you Tom. But you'll always be daddy to me. You're the only father I have, and always will be!"
Right then I couldn't resist. I had tears in my eyes when I reached for her and gave her another tight hug, so relieved and happy she felt that way. "Of course, baby. You'll always be my little girl, you know that. I wouldn't have it be any other way!" And I kissed her on the cheek. Then I added, "What's between us will always be between us, and it doesn't matter what Margot thinks. You are the best thing I ever got from her."
But I wasn't prepared for what happened next. She put her head down on my chest and clung to me. And she began to sob, uncontrollably. It lasted a couple of minutes, I wasn't sure what was happening, but I just held her quietly and let her cry it out. And finally she lifted her tear-streaked face, pushed herself up and kissed me softly ... on the lips. And she had the strangest look on her face. Then she turned around and leaned back against me, and when I put my arms around her she snuggled back against my chest.
Then she began to talk again, not the idle chatter of a few moments ago, but almost a reverie. Occasionally she'd ask a question, requiring only a one word answer for affirmation of her thoughts. "Dad, I don't even know if I should tell you this, but ever since mom took me away from you, you've been in my thoughts. I think even more often now than when we first left. When I have dreams you are always part of them, never Margot.
"Sometimes it's about things we did together, usually when I was just a little girl. Like going to the lake with you. You taught me how to swim, first at the lake, then in our pool. She was never even around when we did that. Remember daddy?" I nodded and gave her a little squeeze, so she'd know. That was a priceless memory for me too.
"Now I'm on the college swim team; did you know that? And doing pretty well too. I got a couple of medals this past season."
"No honey, Margot never told me that," I said with sadness in my voice. God, how I'd have loved to be there to see you!
"Damn her!" She turned suddenly in my arms and looked me in the face. "I would have been so happy and proud if you could have been there! She never even bothered to come! But I thought you probably knew and just couldn't make it."
"If I'd known I'd have been there sweetheart. Margot couldn't have kept me away. From now on, if you have anything important going on, let me know. And you have another season; I promise I'll make it every chance I have." Suddenly there was a fire inside of me. I wasn't just sad, I was angry! Margot knew I would have cared very much about that. She just cut me out of Jenny's life! That was going to change!
She reached up and brushed my face with her hand, before settling against me once more. "I think about lots of other things too, sometimes. Like how we used to go hiking together. Especially the day we went around the lake and met the bear! God I was so scared! I wanted to run but you told me to get behind you and not move. And he began to come towards us, but you started yelling and shouting and waving your arms. And he ran away! I couldn't believe it! He would have eaten me! I was so proud of you!
"But I remember other things about hiking too, like the day we found the big patch of blackberries and ate until we were both stuffed. I've wished for berries like that ever since. And I remember how I pricked my leg on a thorn and it bled. And how you cleaned it and put on a bandage and kissed it better for me. I know you felt it as much as I did. You even carried me piggyback for a little ways after that. I didn't need to be carried, but I loved knowing you'd do that for me. I always felt so safe with you.
"And I have other dreams too." Another big smile lit up her face. "Not of things we did, but of things we might have done. Of us just being together. Sometimes I wake up almost crying, I'm so sad we missed out on so much. But others, I have a big smile on my face and you're all I can think of for a while."
It was only a matter or an hour or so, but as we sat together on the couch, talking quietly, the five years apart suddenly disappeared, and it was like it had been, before the break-up. She was my little girl, and I now realized like never before how close we'd been. How close we still were. I'd always known I loved her and of course she had loved me like a father. And now I was almost glowing, knowing the feelings between us were still there and strong as ever.
