My mum kicked me out when I was 18. We never got on. She was busy creating a new family with my half sister and step dad. I was too much of her history to be part of her future. So I moved in with my dad. My dad, who I barely knew. He was in and out of my life as a little girl but I hadn't really seen him for a few years.
He lived with his girlfriend who was being overly kind to me, helping me settle in, making sure I had all the bits and bobs a girl my age may need. She cooked for me and we even had a couple of girly nights in on our own, watching crappy films and eating crappy food.
I felt settled, for the first time in a long time. Although my dad was distant toward me, almost afraid of me, but we were getting there. We had a lot of missed years to cover. It was awkward a lot of the time. We were both learning each others boundaries and doing a lot of tip toeing around each other.
Boundaries. Makes me laugh thinking about those early days living with him. The first time I noticed him noticing me was just after a shower. I wrap up in two towels, one for my hair, one for my body. I'm a big girl though, and the towels at my dads were not the bath sheets I was used to. They just about covered the bits needed. Anyway, I was doing my usual dash across the landing when I noticed him just standing in his doorway, watching me. He wasn't being shy about it. He was just stood there as if it were completely natural to watch his own daughter half naked on his landing. Something in his eyes made me slow down a little. I got to my room and shut my door, feeling unsure about what to do next.
I shook it off and put it down to him just not being used to me being there. But I couldn't get the look in his eyes out of my head. I'd never been looked at like that before. I'd had boyfriends, and girlfriends, but I had never seen that look in their eyes. I couldn't put my finger on what the look was. I just know it confused me.
It became a regular occurrence. I didn't bother dashing across the landing anymore. I would start to wander, to walk slowly, with purpose but not knowing what that purpose was. And he would just watch me. With that look in his eyes. Just silent. And it would excite me, gave me a thrill that I had never experienced before. I felt like I was waking up after being asleep for a long time and seeing the world slightly differently.
I began to imagine what it would be like to be with an older man. An experienced man. A man who knows exactly what I need before I knew it myself. I began to hunt them. And I didn't care if they were married or not, I just wanted to experience older men. At 18 the oldest man I slept with was 52. He was in awe of me and my body. He would tell me how tight I was, how lucky he was to be with me and I loved every minute of it. I'd never been worshipped before. But there was something missing.