Something had been driving me crazy for months. It haunted my every waking hour and sometimes even my dreams. This was not just the raging hormones of youth, this was much deeper and serious shit. When I finally admitted there was no shaking this monkey from my back unless I went hard, I decided to talk to my mom. She'd always been there for me; surely she'd understand. I was nineteen and still a virgin.
It was not as easy as that; it took another two weeks of thinking about it ... thinking of the best approach ... the right words ... and false starts. But finally I psyched myself up to the right level of boldness. But first I went to a nearby friend's house, smoked a joint and came back in the right condition to tell my worries to mommy. It was a Saturday morning and we were alone; my father and younger sister had gone into town.
"There is something I want to talk to you about mom, I've been putting it off for weeks. I can no longer keep it in ... I'm sorry, please don't hate me." I said to mom after sitting down close to her on the sofa in front of the TV.
I saw the sudden fall of her face into despair, the worried eyes and twitching lips. I took her hands in mine and found that all four of them were cold and shaking.
"This is very hard for me to do, so before I change my mind, I'll just tell you straight, no beating about,"
"You gay?"
"No mom if I were I wouldn't be having the problem I having."
She breathed a long sigh of relief and some colour returned to her caramel face, and it looked like her frizzy afro hair moved.
"What is it baby, tell mammy."
"I want to fuck you," I said, nearly choking on the last two words.
"What!" she screamed, hard enough for the neighbours to hear.
Then in an almost inaudible unbelieving voice, "Yuh want to have sex with me ... me ... Yuh mother who ... mek you?"
"Yes." I answered, equally soft.
'Whey this coming from Markie ... Yuh high? Yuh high yes ... look at yuh eyes ... and I could smell it too," she said, leaning over and sniffing my lips.
"It coming from deep inside me ... my head, heart, evey bone an' muscle, so please tek it serious," I said, realizing that from the beginning I'd tossed aside the speech script I came with, and was operating impromptu.
"Serious mih ass! Boy don't get me mad," she said in a raised voice.
Before I could respond, she added, as if to somebody else in the room, "it is serious ... oh mih gawd."
"I think about it all de time. Every time I look at you, I just want to hold you and do things to yuh body ... to get in yuh body ... I been feeling this way for months now ... since that day when you was teasing me and we end up wrestling. We fell on de ground with me on top of you and mih cock was hard between yuh thighs. I rolled off quick so yuh wouldn't notice ... I don't know if you did." I said not looking at her.
"Of course I did, I feel it, and was surprised ... shocked ... but I forgave you because I know you're young and with de hormones in you and finding yuhself in such a compromising position ... "
"That was de beginning of what I feeling now ... I really want to fuck you," I said pleadingly.
She raised her hand and slapped me hard, three time in the face.
"Say sex, not fu ... no, don't say nothing!"
I took the slaps bravely and continued "Two months ago I passed by yuh room, accidentally, while yuh was preparing to go to work. Yuh door was slightly open ... I looked in and see you naked ... yuh body so beautiful and sexy, mommy."
There was a dazed and defeated look on my mother's face.
"Yuh saw me naked ... completely naked?"
"Yes, then and a few times after, and I like it," I said, managing a smile that she didn't reciprocate.
"You been peeping on me ... de first time was accidental, but then you started peeping ... on yuh mother?"
"Yes, I sorry, but I can't help it, yuh so sexy and ..."
"Shut up Markie!" She screamed, pulling her hair.
I didn't want to shut up I just wanted to pour everything out once and for all and whatever happened, happened. I had to know how it was going to be with me and mommy and my feelings ... if she was going to accept me and give me what I wanted. I guess it was the weed more than I talking.
"Some nights I does masturbate, thinking about you ... and I does even go through yuh laundry and do things, yuh know, sniff and lick ... I sorry mommy ... help me nuh,"
"Oh Gawd, what I hearing from you mouth, Markie ... you sniff my clothes ... clean clothes?" she asked, hopefully.
"No mommy, things yuh wear ... panties and stuff."