"I'm so glad we met. I was starting to believe men like you were only in books and songs!!" the instant message read.
Even though that was the nicest thing I'd ever been told in my life, I also thought "Fuck that! I can speak directly to a woman, deep into her. But I didn't want to be admired. I didn't want to be friends. I wanted to fuck. I needed to fuck. And fuck hard. All night and all the next day and all the following day until I was so fucking spent that I needed to be brought to hospital and put on a drip." But she was my cousin. Yes, I know what you're thinking. But that's why you're here, isn't it? Not for the penmanship or the suspense. You want the filth up front and lots of it. Well hold the fuck on and don't cum too early.
Laura and I had been so close that people had long assumed we were kissing cousins. All of our lives we'd been like siblings, but closer. And with a sizzling sense of attraction that transcended the physical. We were two halves of the same soul. And as it turns out it was a horny, filthy soul at that. Years later, after having never crossed the line, in our late thirties, me separating from my long term girl friend/on off fiancée and her just out of a divorce, we admitted to each other that we're both have such high sex drives that we both need it at least three times a day, every single day.
She was still the same cool slightly older cousin, a teen in her heart and a body that four kids hadn't even made a dent in. She worked out all the time to cope with her issues and hiked for pleasure every weekend. I wasn't just standard issue tall and broad shouldered. My separation was a horror show. Una is what physiotherapists refer to as a 'covert narcissist'. And if you don't know what that is and how they operate, and I didn't until six years into our relationship, then let me shed some light on it for you.
Covert narcissists draw in their prey with whatever that person craves the most and once they're hooked and they commit to the relationship, the CN slowly begins to turn on them until emotional and psychological abuse is just normal. Then, one day you wake up and realise that you haven't had sex in two years and you're holding on only for the kids, to not break their little hearts. But staying in a toxic relationship is no example to set for them and you end it. Then the CN goes into nuclear mode. The character assassination and smear campaign begins as the private regrets you've confided in them is broadcast to anyone who will listen. These are deeply wounded and insecure people who typically grew up in a longstanding abusive environment. They develop from childhood to be deceitful and manipulative and they are entirely unaware of the fact that they are perpetuating the abusive cycle that they were born into. They are some of the most toxic and dangerous people and when you realise what you've gotten tangled up in and then break up with one of them you are forever changed. Many in my shoes are traumatised and require therapy. That's how damaging a person the CN is. But I pitied Una and I hung for another fifteen months, trying everything to hold out the lifeline for her to come back to sanity with. But in the end all that was left was to put up boundaries around myself and sustain them. This always leads to enormous conflict with CNs, throughout which you need to remain calm in the face of the most disgusting verbal and emotional abuse, because if you erupt, as is only human, then suddenly you're "the dangerous one" and "unreliable" and "the real problem".
The first night that I contacted Laura we both walked laps after lap around the local park and talked so in depth about our private pains that it was a weight off my shoulders like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I confided in her without the slightest hesitation and, to my surprise, as soon as I asked if what she knew about narcissism she said "Karl is a textbook narcissist". Neither of us had known anything about this personality disorder but had educated ourselves and found a path out of the snares we'd walked into with open hearts. We are both very caring and loving people. We want to see the best in others and we look past the barbs and see the beauty. In short, we love too much. But at that time, having both overcome our own private narcissistic hells, neither of us was going to ever be trapped again. We had both hardened from having survived such obscure abuse.
Fast forward to the week before I left Una and the message about books and songs came at the end of a long messaging session as I sat in the kitchen having refused to be verbally assaulted by Una, who was drunk, as per usual (her crutch). Laura knew how frustrating it was to be in such a position and she was very kind and supportive. But she was also very blunt and matter of fact. Which she admitted she hoped didn't offend me. I assured her that I was grateful for her candid honesty and not at all offended.
After living with Una for so long and smacking my head against the brick wall of trying to help someone who is pulling the universe apart, I had grown tougher than most. I'd given half my adult life to trying to help her and in the end she wanted nothing but to win every trivial argument. I walked. I stayed with friends until I had enough money together to rent a room in a house with strangers who I didn't associate with. I kept to myself. I worked and I stayed in my room and read or wrote. I didn't go out to bars or clubs. I didn't date. The only time I'd go anywhere aside from work or get grociers was to visit the kids every other week. As their non-biological "step" Dad I had no rights but Una did let me see them, just to keep the hooks in. We'd hang out at the playground and get iced cream and I'd reinforce my love for them. But they inevitably had poison poured into their ears every minute of every day at home. And I was sure that eventually Una would snatch away my visits. My only hope is that when they are adults and they look back on their childhoods objectively they will see that I did right by them. All that I want is for them to grow up healthy and happy and safe. The courts never even diagnose CN, let alone grant custody to ex-boyfriends.
After eight months of hibernation Laura asked me out for a drink. To be more accurate she insisted. We'd messaged a little but I'd needed privacy and she understood and accommodated me. But she wasn't taking no for an answer this time. She knew that if she didn't drag me out then I would lock myself away forever. My housemates all went out every weekend and to be fair to them they always extended the invitation even though I always politely declined.
The door bell rang. I open the door and there she is. Blue jeans that hugged her perfect hips, a tight white t-shirt hugged her flat stomach and medium sized tits, converse runners, an open casual jacket and a smile like fire. She didn't even speak. She just squeaked and jumped at me. Her hard body against mine and the smell of her and the fact that it was the first adult, human contact it'd had in months made it a moment from heaven. I held her tight to me and lifted her light frame off the ground as her feet rose to her butt behind her while rocked her from side to side like a bear. As I held her up she wrapped her strong, slender legs around me and before I'd even let her down I was hard as a fucking rock!
"Jesus, I still got it I see", she laughed, pointing at my crotch and walking past me into the house. "So these are the new digs. Not bad. Always knew you'd land on your feet Cuz. How about a beer before we head out?"
I led her to the kitchen, adjusting myself, and reached into the fridge, pulled two cold beers onto the countertop and then reached into the cupboard below and pulled two shot glasses out and placed them beside the beers.
"Bottle openers is in the top drawer", I motioned over my shoulder as I reached into the freezer.
"Oh, it's like that tonight is it?"
"You can bet that fine fine ass of yours it is!" I smiled.
We slammed a shot each and I cracked the beers before Laura reached into her bag and pulled out a joint.
"I haven't smoked in years, I'll be fucked up!"
"If I'm to bet this ass", she turned and shook it at me and then slapped it "then I'm taking every chance I can get".
I openly stared at her ass for a moment, licked my lips shamelessly and looked back at her. "I should have bet you more than your ass.. fuck it! Light it up!"
