[Consequence: the results of an action, belief or circumstance. Some are intended, and some are unintended. This is a story about both kinds. This story, unfortunately, is based on events that did happen. The pain from the consequences is and was real. Your comments and votes are encouraged.]
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When we got married we were blind and not very bright. We were both too young to have much idea about what we were doing. She was twenty and I was twenty-one. We had dated for almost a year, following the guidelines of dating within our conservative church. We had kissed a lot. Groped a few times and had not seen each other naked or "gone all the way." After the ceremony where we made outrageous promises we knew nothing about we went on a short honeymoon, three days and two nights. She needed to get back for finals. Four days after we got back I shipped out (actually I flew) to Okinawa and two years of duty.
For six years we were bounced around the Far East and only when I got out of the Air Force did we come back to the continental USA for anything longer than a short visit. Our two kids were born in Japan.
For the first few years after we got out we lived in sunny southern California. We lived half-way between her parents and mine, five miles either way. I got a job with a bank and was doing pretty well. In the church I was active and worked mostly with kids.
In our second year back Marie had a miscarriage. She was four months into the pregnancy and in the middle of the night she woke up bleeding heavily. I called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. I waited with our terrified kids until both grandmas arrived to take care of them, then I went to be with Marie.
The baby died before it could be delivered. Marie nearly died as well. To save her life they had to do a hysterectomy. I gave permission. When she came to a nurse told her she was doing well after her hysterectomy, not realizing what had really happened. She blamed me for allowing the doctors to do that to her and went into a deep depression. At a follow-up visit to the doctor I asked about sex. Before the doctor could answer my question Marie said, "Sex is for making babies. I can't make babies. I won't be having sex."
Her voice was without emotion or energy. Shortly after she said that she left the office to use the restroom. The doctor said he had seen that reaction before and that over a few months the women came back to be pretty much as they had been before.
He was wrong. A month later I stood beside her and turned to kiss her. She slapped me! Hard enough that a half an hour later our daughter asked me what happened to my face.
I waited another week and asked, "So, are we married?" I stood ten feet away when I asked.
"No. Yes. We aren't married like our friends are married but we did get married in the church so there is no divorce. Our friends have sex. I know because they tell me they have sex. Leslie thinks I should have sex with you. So does Donna. I can't."
"A week ago I tried to kiss you and you damn near broke my jaw. Is kissing sex?"
"No! But I know you. If we kiss you'll want more. Then I'll want more and pretty soon we'll be in bed. I can't have a baby! All my life I've known that was my job on Earth. Now, I'm not even a woman."
"And you expect me to live out my life with no sex, no kissing, no affection?"
"Yes."
"It won't happen. I don't know if I'll leave you, or go behind your back. I don't know what I'll do but I'm not willing to live like that!"
"If you cheat you know what will happen. You will be excommunicated and you won't get into heaven."
"So what? This is already hell!"
"I'm not going to change my mind."
"Tell the kids I'll be back just before nine and I'll want to talk to them. We need to discuss summer vacations, jobs and the possibility of summer school."
"They'll be home in half an hour. You can tell them."
"I won't be here. I have an appointment."
"With who?"
"You no longer have the right to ask. My wife could ask and I'd tell her. You do your job and I'll do mine. It will look like we're married until it doesn't." I turned and walked out.
In my car I drove without a plan. I ended up at the church. I spoke to the head of our congregation and told him everything about our conversation. He listened. When I was done he said, "The church says stay and make the best of it. I think that's asking a lot. How do you live with a woman you can't touch? How do you live without being touched?"
"I don't have an answer."
"Let me talk with a couple people, without breaking your confidences and I'll get back to you. Give me a few days, Ok?"
"Sure. Take two weeks. It'll be worth it if you can help us."
Two weeks went by. My kids asked me what was wrong with Mom. They told me she no longer hugged them or touched them. When she said she loved them it sounded hollow. I told them she just needed some time. I didn't believe it and I didn't think they did either.
Exactly two weeks after we had met at the church he called me. I met him back at the church. He sat down with me and said, "The first person I spoke with knew it was your wife. She advised me to tell you that your sex life is over. I talked to four others and they told me to tell you, whoever you are, that they understood how painful this must be for you. They also said they couldn't stay."
I left his office in tears. He had helped and the result didn't actually help at all.
I slept in my car. The thought of climbing into bed with her was too painful. In the morning I drove to work and was half an hour early. I went through the motions and when it was five o'clock I left, with nowhere to go.
By seven I was at the beach and I walked on the bike path until late. I drove home arriving just after midnight. I went in, went to the bathroom and skinned out of my clothes and took a good long shower. When I came out Marie was sitting on the hamper.
In a voice just louder than a whisper I said, "Get out of the bathroom. My wife or my girl-friend can see me naked. You aren't either."
She burst into tears and left me alone. When I went into the master bedroom to get some clean clothes she was in bed. I got clean clothes and a blanket. I took my pillow from my side of the bed and carried it all into the living room. She followed.
"If you sleep out here the kids will wonder what's wrong." She said.
