Confessions of a Good Girl?

Confessions of a Good Girl?

So Christmas is fast approaching and I know I'm on Santa's naughty list. Guess it's a good thing I stopped believing in Santa long ago. I'm not sure I believe in God anymore either. Which is also probably a good thing, because like Santa, I'd be on his naughty list too, without a doubt.

Why? Because I sinned, and not the pray it away kind of sin either. Not the drop twenty dollars in the basket and all-is-forgiven kind of sin. Nope, we're talking the eternal damnation kind of sin, and I loved every fucking second of it, which might also be it's own sin.

Guess you could say I'm fucked, and I'd have to agree, I am well and truly fucked. Finally! I wasn't a virgin before, but I hadn't realized how good sex could be when you loose yourself, when your need overwhelms you, and when you willingly give in to that need, surrender yourself to the pleasure, to the naughtiness, to the wickedness. Especially with someone you're completely comfortable with, someone you love and trust unconditionally.

Does that make me bad? Am I a bad girl, is that what I'm confessing, that I'm 'bad?'

Honestly, I might have lost the ability to tell good from bad, or right from wrong, especially where my feelings, emotional and physical, are involved.

When I started college I was definitely a 'good girl,' good grades, good attendance, good manners, good intentions.

Now? Fuck, I don't know? I mean, I still get good grades, have good attendance, am polite, and try to do my best. Part of me still feels like I'm good... but part of me knows it's a lie, or at best a half-truth.

How do you weigh your actions? Does good outweigh bad? Does one have more value than the other? I've never hurt anyone intentionally, certainly not physically, and not emotionally either, at least not with forethought or malice. I'm a nice person, I was brought up to be good and nice, and I try hard to be.

But how do you live a life and get the things you want, and have deep, meaningful experiences, especially achieve physical pleasure, without being bad? I've come to the realization you can't.

Irregardless your judgment, it's too late for me to atone, I've done what I've done. I allowed my physical and emotional need to overwhelm me, and I acted out in ways I certainly never had and most people likely never would, and I found absolution in the flesh of the forbidden, in the flesh of the one person in the whole wide world that I absolutely should not have.

And I am unrepentant.

Am I a good girl or a bad girl? I'll let you be the judge...

****

I'd only started doing Always Fans for fun during my freshman year of college, posting harmless, kinda sexy pics to feel good about myself and hopefully make a few bucks extra spending money.

I started by posting what I wore everyday, which was usually just shorts and a t-shirt to classes. My first bunch of subscribers were cool, they'd just tell me I was hot and say they couldn't wait to see more. Then I started posting bikini pics, then underwear. I only had like a dozen renewing subscribers by the end of my freshman year, but I'd answer their questions and DM with them. They seemed to like that I was real, and it was all kinda innocent really.

I kinda figured my subscribers were older men, I mean disposable income and all, right? So I'd expected there to be requests and offers, but I was taken aback by how naughty some were. I ignored or politely declined offers to meet, or to fly me somewhere for the weekend. I also declined making 'custom videos,' most of those requests were very pornographic. But overall it mostly seemed like everyone really wanted to see me naked, especially my giant boobs. I resisted for a long time, and though I made my pics more and more revealing, I never showed the 'goodies,' thinking that was the line I wouldn't cross. I was so naive.

My name is Katie by the way, hi. I'm 20, 5'1" - 128lbs, blonde, brown-green eyes, 34ddd-23-35. So yeah, short and curvy. I guess I'm your typical Florida girl though, I spend a lot of time outside, tanning, swimming, boating, golfing (I was on my high school team and still golf with my dad when I'm home) and I like to fish off our dock at home and I even go hunting a couple times a year (also with my dad) for turkey and deer.

I did dance and gymnastics when I was a kid, same as my older sister, but as soon as I started to develop it was obvious I didn't have the body for either like she did.

I wasn't heart broken though; I just took up other activities. I joined my junior high swim team for a couple years, then the high school golf team. I never stuck with any sport for long because things kept getting in the way. Two things specifically. My boobs. It's hard to be competitive when you're lugging around two giant fun bags all the time. My swim coach joked at least I'd never drown.

Growing up, all my friends were flat and skinny, and for a few years I felt really awkward being so different, but then I realized the attention I got from men changed. They still smiled, like they always had, but I saw their eyes wander over me, and linger; studying, appraising, appreciating.

I'd ignore the crude comments boys my own age tended to make, but older men tended to compliment me and make me feel good about myself. I'd smile and maybe shyly say thank you, like a good girl should, but their looks would haunt me, almost like their smiles and stares were ghosts, trying to convince me I shouldn't be a good girl.

So yeah, I knew guys wanted to see my boobs even before starting Always Fans, and there was always a part of me deep inside that wanted to show them off, but it was a part I didn't understand. I just knew it wasn't something 'good girls' did, and I'd always been a good girl, so I didn't think I was allowed. But Always Fans amplified that naughty feeling, that desire to show myself, to do what people wanted, what men wanted. I resisted the feeling, despite finding myself thinking about it more and more and wondering,

was it what I wanted? Did I want to be...bad?

Of course, there were a lot of other much more naughty requests than just showing my tits, those requests often sent me researching stuff on my laptop, and I often felt like I was learning more about deviant sex than English, my major.

My parents weren't prudes, they were very body and sex positive, but there was a lot of stuff they didn't tell us (me and my one year older sister, Kamie) about sex. So, every time I checked my DM's I would end up googling something and masturbating to some new kind of crazy porn.

I knew about porn of course, I didn't grow up in a cult or anything, and I watched it when I was horny, but a lot of it I guess I just thought was gross or bad or dirty or I don't know, I guess I thought 'regular people' didn't do that stuff.

My sister and some of my friends called me The Disney Princess, because I either didn't watch, or didn't know all about every kind of weird porn people claimed to like.

My aunts were always asking about my boyfriends, they seemed surprised I didn't have a new one every few weeks like some of my cousins. My aunt Theresa called me a late bloomer, I didn't realize at the time what she meant, I just thought she meant physically, which I thought was a joke considering how big my boobs have always been.

I don't know if it was finally being an adult, being away from home, or Always Fans exposing me to older men and what they liked, but the more I started 'researching' the stuff they talked about, the more I started to realize how much I was missing out on.

Stuff I used to think was 'gross' was now at least interesting, if not actually hot and exciting. I started looking forward to their suggestions and requests and that feeling inside me grew and grew as I learned more and more.

I had this feeling that even though I was technically an adult, I didn't know how to be an adult yet, that I wasn't in sync with that part of myself, that I was just pretending. I felt like I needed to prove I was a woman and not a girl anymore.

Showing my boobs had stopped seeming like such a big deal. So one day, I decided I would.

I thought I was being a savvy businesswoman; I'd set a goal and get my whole whopping 34 subscribers hyped. I announced that when I got to 50 renewing subscribers, I'd post a vid showing "the puppies." I thought it would take a couple months to get to 50; it had taken more than a year to get to 34. Like I said, I was naive.

It took two days. I don't know if they told their friends or what, but I suddenly had almost 60 auto renewing subscribers. Oh shit, I thought, partly scared, partly excited. I did want to do it and really didn't think it was a big deal, but I had expected more time to prepare. I told my roommate Heather, she assured me that just showing them would be enough, "Just pop 'em out," she laughed, staring at my chest.

So the next day, before Heather got back to our dorm room, I propped up my phone and started recording.

I stood back and smiled and said, hi. I tried to be sexy, pulling my t-shirt tight and turning to show my body, saying 'I know what you want to see.'

Heather told me to make sure my face and boobs weren't in frame together, that way no one could screen shot 'me' with my tits out. Good advice I realized. So I stepped close, so only my chest was in frame and took my shirt off revealing one of the nice lacy bras I bought with my Always Fans money. I traced the lace and wire with my finger, trying to be sexy.

Truth is I almost laughed a couple of times before it hit me that like 60 men I didn't know were paying to see me topless. The thought sent a shiver through me and I let out a moan and nervously but excitedly reached back to unhook my bra, the back strap falling away in relief.

Looking back, it was a big moment in my life, but I didn't realize it at the time. I was just having fun, being a little naughty. Only a little, though, right?

I mean guys love seeing women naked, right? So it's not 'bad,' is it? Do you silently judge the girls you lust over on the internet? Are they bad girls? What if it was your daughter, would it bother you if you knew she was showing her body for fun... or for money? Would you just ignore it and let her live her life? Or would you say something? Would you look?

I pulled the straps off my shoulders and asked "Are you ready," and then pulled the cups away, allowing my big tits to fall free. Boy, it felt good. And not just the freedom from my bra, which I looked forward to everyday. My whole body vibrated. I was showing them off! It's hard to describe how good it felt. Exciting, powerful, freeing. I felt alive. I ran my hands over my boobs, I licked my fingers, drawing wet circles around my areola and nipples. They were so hard, oh my god. I moaned again as I hefted each giant orb in my tiny hands, lifting and squeezing and rubbing my thumb over my thick hard nipples before letting them fall with a heavy bounce. I lifted them and let them fall a few more times with a naughty giggle, watching them bounce and jiggle on my screen. I pinched and pulled on my erect nubs, stretching them, before letting them snap back into place with a throaty moan.

"Feels so good, I wish you were touching them," I sighed. I stood with my hands behind my back and turned to each side, pausing, posing the best I knew how, before I bent down, my face in frame and thanked everyone and blew a kiss. That was easy, I thought. And I couldn't help smile, it was so much fun too.

I took a deep breath and posted my video. My DM's blew up and my subscribers shot up to over 100 in only a few days. All the comments were positive, most were even sweet, saying I was beautiful, or hot, or sexy, and my tits were amazing, epic, the best they'd ever seen. I tried not to get a big head, but it was certainly a confidence boost.

I knew guys thought I was good looking. I got enough looks and comments and propositions to feel good about how I look. But there's something about being physically different than most people that still makes you doubt yourself, so all the positivity was very welcome.

I take after my mom, she's my height and curvy too, but her boobs aren't anywhere near as big. When she wears normal clothes it doesn't look like she's trying to show off. Whereas no matter what I wear, my tits are just out there, straining the seams, demanding attention, whether I want it or not.

Sometimes I used to wish I lived somewhere cold so I could wear a hoodie or jacket regularly. Not really though, at least not anymore.

My sister takes after our dad; she's tall and lean and has killer legs and an amazing ass. She got a volleyball scholarship and went to school all the way in Texas. We're about as opposite physically as sisters only a year apart can be. I used to wish I had her body. Guys drooled over her, treating her like a model, always telling her how pretty and beautiful she was. Puke. I really wasn't jealous; I just thought it was gross when guys at school acted all weird around her.

I guess I did get a little jealous around the end of high school. Even though she's only a year older, it was obvious guys saw Kamie as a 'woman,' where as they treated me like I was a 'cute little girl.' At least until my boobs got too big to ignore. Then I was the cute girl with the huge boobs. At some point you get tired of being 'cute.'

My boyfriends (two in high school, and one my freshman year of college) all liked my boobs, but they also kinda seemed scared of them. I mean they'd squeeze and kiss and suck but they were always like 'is this okay?' Asking me as if them being so big meant they were fragile, or not as sensitive, or more sensitive, or I don't know. I just wanted them to want to touch me. Like not be able to stop themselves from touching me. I appreciate consent as much as anyone but I already said yes and then I got naked, so like, just be a guy. I'd watch porn and see how guys would devour big tits, sucking as much as they could into their mouths. Grabbing, squeezing them hard, shoving their face in them, slapping them, playing with them.

I don't know if you call it passion or hunger or lust, but I couldn't figure out why my boyfriends weren't like that. I'd try being sexy and shaking my tits or begging them to suck on them, but they'd get big eyes and stare and ask questions and make me feel self-conscious.

So having a bunch of men tell me they loved my boobs and what they would to do to them, or what I should do to them, was a real turn on, and made me feel good about myself.

Then one day almost a week after I posted my video I got to my dorm room and Heather looked up from her laptop and said, "Katie, your tits are all over the internet." My stomach dropped as Heather showed me my video had gone viral, at least amongst tube sites and porn sites that just reposted what ever was 'hot' at the moment. Apparently my tits were 'hot' at the moment. And I was hot at that moment, my insides surged, bolts of excitement shot through me as Heather went form site to site to site showing me my video and the view counts and the comments.

Luckily no one had identified me. All the titles for my video were something like 'Hot Blonde Shows Massive Rack,' or 'You Won't Believe What's Under Her Shirt.' We must have spent an hour watching and rewatching my video on dozens of sites and reading the comments. Like I said, my face was only visible for a few seconds at the beginning and end, so thankfully all the thumbnails were of my tits and not my face. But I did start getting texts from classmates, word was spreading. I started to get nervous. I hadn't really considered what would happen if everyone saw me naked online.

The funny thing is nothing really happened. Some people admitted they saw the video and were really cool about it, telling me I looked great or had amazing tits. There were a lot of stares and a lot of nods and smiles. Some pointing. A few people came up to me and asked if I was 'that girl?' They said nice things when I said I was. Guys asked me out. Girls asked me out. Girls told me they were jealous of my tits. That was a first. It was a bit overwhelming to be honest. But it faded as quickly as it had surged, a brief wave of notoriety and unwarranted anxiety that receded as the next wave of new content crashed ashore the beaches of internet porn sites.

A couple of days after I went viral, I was starting to calm down, realizing nothing bad was going to happen when my sister texted me: "i just saw your tits online (mind blown emoji)" - "didnt know my little sis was a thot (crying laughing face)"

me: "omg" - "i didnt know it would get leaked" - "anyone know its me????"

Kamie: "no, my boyfriend showed me lol he was like check out the tits on this chick!" - "i almost slapped the shit out of him lol but i realized he didnt know it was you" - "when did you become such a slut (crying laughing face)" - "are there more videos?????"

Me: "NO... god no" - "i thought i was being careful not showing my face and my tits together i never thought the whole video would leak or whatever" - "was just thinking pics cause thats all i ever posted before"

Kamie: "it was for your Always Fans?"

Me: "yeah"

Kamie: "they gonna want more, i warned you lol"

Me: "I know" - "i might stop i guess"

Kamie: "why thought you liked it???"

Me: "I do but I'm not like trying to be a porn star lol"

Kamie: "theres nothing wrong with it you know... being naked or sex" - "i been thinking about doing it" - "didnt want you to think im copying you (tongue out)"

Me: "Really???? you'll make a million dollars"

Kamie: "(laughing face) yeah right" - "I don't know if i will... kinda want to tho lol" - "how much you making?"

Me: "over $400 dollars this month!!!" - "have 100 subs now!"

Kamie: "damn kittkat" - "wonder if dad is one??? (devil face)"

Me: "OH MY GOD!!!!!" - "stop w that!!!!!" - "its so perverted (serious face)"

Kamie: "yeah it is lol doesnt mean hes not (winking face)" - "I don't know why you wont admit you seen the way he looks at you????" - "daddys obvs a tit man (cherrys) (big eyes)"

My sister had been kidding me for a couple of years about Daddy liking me... like that. Kamie has a thing for saying inappropriate things, but I couldn't believe it when she said she was jealous of the way Dad looked at me. I really couldn't believe it was even possibly true and paid it no more mind than any of the other outrageous things she said.

But... I suppose like all the other stuff I used to think was weird, gross, sick, or bad; people also seem to be into... incest. I still told myself it was weird, gross, sick, and bad... but it just kept coming up. A few of my subscribers were begging me to make them 'custom videos' pretending to be their daughter. I'd been politely declining, but they still seemed to like telling me about what they wanted, telling me about their secret feelings.

I really couldn't believe people wanted to do it, have sex with their own daughter, their own child, much less would, despite their seemingly deep and real desires. Or my sisters continual assurances our father was one of those people.

I tried to blow off her text as more of the same, her just being inappropriate for fun, but something came over me, a strange feeling, sort of like a wave washing through my body. I realized I had no idea who was seeing my stuff, subscribing to my page. I had put geographic blockers on my account. Other than my sister, everybody I knew was in Florida. I shook my head,

Daddy couldn't be a subscriber

.

I trembled, realizing I thought 'he couldn't be,' not that 'he wouldn't want to be.' Don't be stupid, I told myself and forced the entire thought out of my mind. For one whole day.

My mom called me the next afternoon, like five minutes after my last class got out, my stomach dropped when I saw her name, she usually texted during the week and called on weekends. She knew my schedule, the first thing that flashed through my mind was something was wrong, what?