I leave the accommodation grounds and head straight for the coffee shop, only 2 blocks away on a corner. My mind races, thinking the best way to approach these candidates, how best to assess them and decide whether to waste time approaching... I'm a very confident person, born out of necessity to build and keep a base of clientele for my freelancing endeavours. But this is not a subject you normally breach in public to strangers... But it isn't illegal to matchmake, so I can do no harm in trying.
And I am already at the coffee shop door. I go cavalier mode, no scoping out, straight into the cafe like a normal person would, and join the queue. Jenna and I have had coffee here before, which helps me fit in as just a returning customer. I am the epitome of nonchalance, lining up and ready to order coffee - a cappuccino. There's a couple of girls in front of me, and as I look around the room, I can see a few people. 1 old lady, a couple about my age, 1 younger man on his own swiping and typing on his smartphone. A possible match straight away, but I won't get ahead of myself. I must take the greatest care to select my sister's first sexual experience.
I've ordered my coffee and exhanged some small talk with the waitress who is also the barista. She's a nice woman. Neither of the girls in front of me sat next to the lone young man, so I decide to go over to his table and gauge the situation. Standard clothing, jeans and tshirt. Slight hint of aftershave, he's clean shaven, short black hair which does it's own thing and suits him. He's drinking what looks like a normal white coffee. Keeping it simple, I can respect that. I take the plunge.
"Hey, sorry man, can I get your help with something for a minute?" I approach as I get his attention, not talking to loudly, keeping it low but friendly. He does the usual skeptical reaction, which I am prepared for of course.
"Oh, what's that?" He asks slightly defensively.
"It's complicated, you just seem like the type of person who could help me out... Can I sit and explain myself? I'm sorry to interject on your nice afternoon." I know that most people like to have the opportunity to help others. He squints, smirks and nods his head, waving his hand at the chair opposite him.
"Thanks man, I'm not after money. You seem like a helpful guy and that's a good start." I compliment him as I sit down.
"I try, so what are you after sir?" He smirks and throws off the compliment. Modest as well huh.
"Me? Just my coffee. It's actually someone else I am helping out today." I grow his curiosity.
"Uh-huh." He makes skeptical noises and takes a relaxed swig of his coffee.
"Ok, I'll be straight with you man. I am bringing someone back to sleep with my sister today, so I'm currently looking for a good person..." At this point the waitress approaches with my coffee. We know each other from my previous visits where I am usually with my sister.
"Hi, your sister couldn't make it today huh?" The waitress beautifully proves to the man that I have a sister and his eyes go from cynical to wide and surprised.
"Hi, yeah, I've just been at her place, she is busy just at the minute but I thought I would pop in anyway. Love the coffee here. Thanks!" I chat familiarly to the waitress as she tables my cup, to assure the man I am not some random hustler. She smiles and turns to go to clean another used table. I stay silent and hold my fresh Cappuccino to my nose, inhaling the incredible smell and ignoring him for a few seconds. He probably needs a moment to think about what to say next.
He finally says something after about 5 seconds.
"Okay, what makes you think I am the right guy?" He quizzes my decision to approach him.
"Oh, I'm still figuring that out. I'm not going to bring her someone just because he said yes." I explain.
"I didn't say yes." He retorts. I like his wit and throw him a wry smile of appreciation. This guy is actually pretty switched on.
"Alright, tell me a story about yourself while I load up pictures of my sister to help you decide." I throw an almost combatively coy smiling glance at him as I place down my cup and whip out my phone. He takes a drink while he tries to think.
"There's not much to me man, I just live and work a regular life here. I'm single if that helps." He is seeing where this thing goes, which I commend.
"Yes that all helps me actually." I go to pass him the phone with the first picture of my sister. Purple bra and underwear, about half of her face showing, the youthful curves and soft skin are sure to take his decision out of the equation.
"No, you can show me the pics if you think I'm good enough." He puts his hand up to signal a stop. I am taken aback and further impressed.
"Wow. Nice moves dude. That's no ordinary level of respect." We both drink our coffee for a second. I suddenly overhear a commotion behind me.
"You want me to always pay half, can't you just offer to treat me sometimes? You just ruin this with your stubborn frugality and rules!"
"I've done that before, besides, yours is always more expensive..."
The couple a few tables away are having a significant meltdown and we both get earshot of the escalation. After my eyebrows have returned to their home just above my eyes, I turn and throw my candidate a concerned, annoyed squint. He blinks at the ceiling and cringes at the couple's behaviour as they continue to argue.
"Hey man, what's your name anyway?" I ask, trying to remain undistracted by the noise.
"Bruce."
"I'm Elpy... Jesus, wait there a minute man..." I turn as I leave my seat to approach the table that the arguing couple is at. Bruce calls after me;
"Not going anywhere, Elpy Jesus!" He catches me right off with that and I turn and laugh loudly, thoroughly impressed by his wit yet again. I reach the arguing couple.
"Hey guys, you sorting this out?" I both offer help and infer they need to mind their manners in the same sentence. The woman is first to respond. She is roly-poly, about mid 30s, long scruffy black hair in some tied up description, large breasts and legs, and most other things too. Hamish is a ginger fellow with a friendly spectacled face, a slight portly bump in his belly but otherwise fairly square and strong looking in his frame.
"None of your business, but anyway my ruinous boyfriend just can't let me enjoy even a simple thing. So embarrassing!" She whinges. Her boyfriend looks at me with defeated eyes.
"I heard you from 3 tables away, so it is my business. Sir, is she right about you?" I scold them both.
"I'm so sorry man, I shouldn't have stood up for myself in here, I knew it would cause a scene." I glance at the woman as he says this and observe her visibly about to blow her lid.
"Woah, hold on man. You stood up for yourself how?" I ask him, and the woman immediately interrupts to change the subject.
"You just can't help it, you always make me feel bad about money, you can't just treat a woman to something nice without a fuss, damnit Hamish, I can't stand it!" The woman is in full soap operatic mode.
"Hamish. What wrath you have incurred?" I infer him to defend himself.
"I... Our bill is just over fifteen quid. I put a ten down on the table as you can see, and now here we are." Hamish explains. I see that there is a 10 on the table, more than half of the bill, and no other money has been placed down in the tray.
"Oh I see, you have put down a tenner, a gesture to pay more than half of the bill I assume?" I confirm with Hamish here that this is pretty standard male fairness with a touch of protect and provide thrown in. Classic reputable male behaviour.
"Yeah..." Hamish confirms. The woman is trying to interrupt but I am holding my hand up to her while I listen to Hamish.
"Okay, miss? Where is your share?" I finally turn to the woman who is now looking rather the goat.
"Like I said, he just won't treat me special, like I am just some regular person, I pay half, you pay half, where is the romance, I'm not asking for that much, just to feel like I have a boyfriend who cares..." her cutting words are clearly watering Hamish's eyes up.
"Bloody hell woman. Romance is a two way street, He's offered to pay more than half, and you have thrown that in his face AND put nothing down yourself. What a massive projection. You, miss, are the one kicking up a fuss and being stingy with money here. What a disgrace." I napalm truth bomb her on her appalling behaviour. Hamish is nearly in tears yet seems shocked that me, a stranger, is standing up for him.
"How dare you..." The woman defaults to outrage as she has lost the case. "Hamish I don't think this can work..." She throws in a casual, infantile threat to leave this poor man on top of her abuse. I have heard enough and pull out my phone as I lean over to Hamish, putting my arm over his shoulder to comfort him.
"Tell you what Hamish, my sister is looking for a nice man at the moment. Look..." Hamish stares into my phone screen with awe at the youthful, pert breasted, delicious slim and curvy figure. The look on the woman's face is far too blazingly thunderous to peer directly into at this moment.