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I dedicate this story to Walter from Southern California.
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With that shaping the man that he is today, Jay remembers the sexual affair he had with his mother.
In defense of his incestuous relationship that Jay had with his mother, with him unremorseful, unrepentant, and unregretful that he had sex with his mother, their brief, sexual affair was more than just incest. Their brief, sexual affair was more than just a mother having incestuous sex with her son. Deeper than any physical, emotional, and sexual relationship he's ever had, the sex they had was more than just blind lust.
Shocking to anyone not in their incestuous situation, their romance was more about love than it was about sex. In the way that he's never loved any other woman as much, not his wife and not even his daughter, he loved his mother and she loved him. Only, by crossing the incestuous line and opening Pandora's Box, unable to ever go back, if they're guilty of anything, they're guilty of loving one another a little too much.
Who knows what would have happened between them had she not been taken so early in life in that fatal, car accident. He was only 18-years-old when she died. Unashamed and unembarrassed to admit his incestuous love for her, he never loved another woman in the way that he loved his mother.
His mother was not only a saint, she was his sexual Goddess. The first woman he had sex with, she took his virginity when he turned eighteen. Back then, she was the leading lady of his life. She was his biggest movie star. What Elizabeth Taylor was to Richard Burton and Maureen O'Hara was to John Wayne, his mother was to him.
Looking back at it now, her having sex with him was something she never would have done had she not known was going to prematurely die. Yet, unless she had a dream, a premonition, or had planned on committing suicide, how would she know that in less than 24-hours she'd be dead? As her final goodbye, the night before her fatal car crash, tragically befitting as if a sexy scene written in a Eugene O'Neill, Arthur Miller, or Tennessee Williams play, she had sex with him.
Ever since that tragic day, he's been riddled with guilt and remorse not because he had sex with his mother but because she died the day after their incestuous affair. Even though he knew he had nothing to do with her dying, he somehow felt responsible for her death. What helped him make peace with her dying was truly believing that having sex with his mother had nothing to do with her death. What helped him make peace with her dying was truly believing that her having sex with him was her gift for him to always remember her and never forget her. What gave him peace and the strength to survive, to persevere, and to flourish without her was in knowing that she loved him as much as he loved her and that she sexually wanted him as much as he sexually wanted her.
Yet with remorse eating away at him, he still somehow blamed himself for the untimely death of his mother. Always wondering what happened, he drove himself crazy speculating her frame of mind before the tragic accident. Maybe she felt guilty that she had sex with her son and purposely drove her car into a tree. Maybe preoccupied thinking about having sex with him the night before those troubling thoughts caused her to drive her car off the road the next day. Maybe it was as simple as her having a blowout and losing control of her car. Not knowing what preceded her driving into a tree, he didn't know how it happened.
Back then, few cars had air bags in the way that all cars have air bags today. Even if her car was equipped with an air bag, he didn't think that an air bag would have saved her. Unlike hitting a wall head-on where the energy is dissipated across the width of the car's entire front end, hitting a pole or a tree, head-on focuses the force of all of the energy of the crash in one area, the driver. Hitting a pole, a tree, or even another moving vehicle, due to the energy being greater with two vehicles moving in opposite directions, are usually fatal accidents.
Even though the thought of her committing suicide crossed his mind because of the guilt he felt for having sex with his mother, he believed she may have felt the same guilt too. Yet, he immediately ruled her taking her own life when thinking how happy she was when in bed with him a few hours before. With his mother generally such a happy and well-balanced person, a free spirit, he couldn't imagine her being sad enough to kill herself. Maybe suddenly saddened over the loss of her husband, with him cheating on her with another woman, she was driving drunk. With there being no witnesses to her fatal accident and with the police not routinely doing toxicology reports back then, when not suspecting foul play, unless he was to exhume her body, he'd never know what really happened.
Especially after God decided to take his mother prematurely to Heaven before her time, now that she's dead, he was just glad that he finally got to sexually experience his mother after lusting over her and loving her for so long. Seemingly appropriate, he thought of one of his quotes from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem, In Memoriam A.H.H. that he recently learned in English Literature class.
"I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to love and lost than never to have loved at all."
Most definitely, in this era of broken homes and absentee parents, he was lucky to have his mother by his side. In this era of abandoned children and foster care, he was lucky to have a mother who loved him, truly loved him. He was lucky to have loved his mother than to never have loved her at all. Yet, it was one thing for him to love his mother but quite another thing for him to make love to his mother. Now that she's gone, unremorseful that they had sex, he was glad that they did. The last memory he has of her alive, he remembers that night that they were intimately together as if it happened last night instead of nearly thirty years ago.