Caught Wet Handed
Dear Auntie Amy,
I recently discovered my husband of 16 years in bed with his 23 year old secretary. I suspected something was up for months, so I hired a private investigator. He showed me multiple photos of them checking into hotels during lunch breaks.
When I confronted him, he lied and said it was a once-off. Now I just feel so betrayed. I told him to move out and he didn't object. I think he even moved in with her. My heart is completely broken. Now I drink during the day and cry whenever I think about him. I want to call his company and tell them what has been going on.
I honestly thought he was my soulmate... What should I do?
L
Too easy.
My fingers moved on autopilot, writing at least the hundredth iteration of basically the same message.
Dear L,
First of all, I am so, so sorry you went through that. You deserve FAR better...
Blah blah blah.
When I started writing agony aunt responses for WifeAndMom.com, it was purely a paycheck. It seemed my naive dream of writing the great American novel had a very tangible (and very reasonable) price. My editor suggested that my Japanese name would probably be 'less relatable'. With that, Asami Taylor became "Auntie Amy"!
You don't get a Master's degree in English Lit and fantasize about consoling divorcees or suggesting fellatio technique (...thank God for pseudonyms!). As I continued to write, however, I came to believe that I was helping these women deal with and overcome their difficult situations.
I'd be lying if I said my ego didn't mushroom somewhat for a period of time.
Luckily a few follow-up emails informing me how my advice had fucked up some of the readers' lives even worse brought me back down to Earth.
One woman told me that my advice to try a threesome had led to her boyfriend leaving her for the other woman... who became pregnant within weeks. The new couple had even become born-again Christians.
That one still makes me shudder.
Since then I swore simply to 'do no harm'. To be non-directing but comforting, understanding but realistic, empathetic but empowering. I don't want to create legions of embittered women or capitalize on misery if I can help it.
So I hammered out a safe, boilerplate response to L... in roughly 5 minutes.
Just as I was about to click Save, my laptop beeped loudly and my screen went black.
Oh shiiiiit!
The hum of the laptop slowly faded and died.
Noooooooo!
... You motherfucker!
I tried pressing the power button but to no avail. I pressed it again. Still nothing.
Sadly, that was the extent of my IT expertise.
What the hell was I going to do? I needed to submit my work by noon tomorrow or I wouldn't get paid.
Hmmmm...
Ahhhh!
Ryan!
"RYAN!?!" I yelled upstairs.
"WHAT!?!" my son yelled back.
"CAN I BORROW YOUR MACBOOK? MINE DIED!"
"UHHHH.... GIMME... A... MINUTE!"
I chuckled to myself.
Probably closing Pornhub as we spoke.
After a couple of minutes, my tall, handsome 18-year-old son came downstairs, laptop and cable underarm.
"Here ya go Mom," he said, his brown eyes half-hidden behind his messy black curls. Luckily he had gotten his father's wavy hair. At 6'1, my son was a handsome young man. He had a chiseled jaw, and a slim build, ideal for his rocker fashion sense.
I had met Aaron, Ryan's father, in college. Despite warnings from my conservative Japanese family about marrying a white man, we had tied the knot at 22... and untied it by 28. I really hated proving my parents right.
"Thanks, sweetie, you're a lifesaver!" I kissed him on the cheek. He blushed and turned back upstairs, his long legs taking them two at a time. After a minute, I heard him practicing riffs on his electric guitar. I sat at the kitchen table, opened the laptop, and resumed my work.
An hour later, I had submitted 6 pieces. I needed one more to fill my weekly quota.
As I perused the website's inbox, I kept an eye out for kinky subject lines. I liked to spice up the content with at least one unusual or salacious topic.
My daughter dumped her boyfriend of 5 years and has started dating an older woman.
Hmmm.
Not bad... but I had one lesbian piece already this week.
I continued scanning.
I can only climax when I'm being humiliated.
I heard my editor's voice in my head. "Too extreme for the average WifeAndMom..."
I kept looking.
One in particular seemed to catch my attention.
I found my son's porn folder. Now I can't look him in the eye.
... Hmmmm!
Hello.
Certainly, a topic I hadn't covered before... and with just the right amount of deniability for readers. They could pretend they were shocked or outraged, while secretly loving the sordid details.
I clicked into the mail.
Hi Auntie Amy,
I recently found videos on my son's laptop of stepfamily porn... including a lot of stepmother and stepson content. I don't know why he would like that as he is the only son of me and my husband (who are happily married). What really turns my stomach is that some of the women in the videos slightly resemble me! Ever since I found them, I can barely look at him or even have a conversation. Could it just be a phase? I'm starting to wonder whether he is mentally disturbed. I don't know what to do.
Please help!
Mom in need
Shit!... that's a toughie.
I liked it.
It was the kind of piece that could go viral.
I sat back, closed my eyes, and allowed my mind to wander. Usually, I found it best to imagine myself in their shoes.
So... what would I do if Ryan liked that kind of stuff?
Jesus.
I mean... for all I knew, he could. The thought was not a pleasant one.
My fingers caressed the keyboard as they awaited inspiration.
How could I properly answer a real plea for help if I couldn't imagine myself in that situation?
Self-doubt crept in as I began to hit keys.
Dear Katy,
Thank you for your mail...
Then... nothing. My mind was blank.
... Shit.
I looked at the clock. It was almost midnight.
Hmmm.
Sometimes sleep helped me come up with more creative solutions to tricky letters.
I sighed softly.
Fuck it.
I'd try again. first thing in the morning.
I closed the laptop and went to bed.
________________________________
As I tried to go to sleep, I tossed and turned for some time. Mindless darkness eluded me. I couldn't seem to shake the last letter from my mind.
It wasn't just the real plight that the writer was going through...
... it was also the realization that any mother could be in the same position.
I didn't have a particularly moralistic view of sex. I believe that consenting adults should be allowed to do whatever they choose... generally.
I had to admit though, that stance was challenged when I thought of incestuous relationships. There was just something gross about family members crossing that line. Couldn't they just get laid elsewhere?
I looked at my alarm clock.
2:48.
Fuck!
What was I going to do? I needed to sleep.
Another light caught my eye.
A blinking light on the bedside table. Ryan's laptop.
... Ryan's laptop!
Maybe... if I checked to see what he was viewing online, I'd be better able to relate to 'Mom in need'?
It felt like a breach of trust...
Was this a good idea? I was too tired to be sure.
What if I found myself in the same position, too ashamed or disgusted to meet my son's gaze?
Hmmm... Fuck it.
I had to know.
I opened his MacBook, clicked into a new browser, and found the History section. Football sites, websites for learning guitar songs, Ticketmaster, Facebook, Tiktok, and Amazon. Nothing of note.
Hmmmm... Did he delete his history?
Probably not, I reasoned. Not if those other websites were still there.
I minimized the tab and idly scanned the folders on his desktop.
Maybe he preferred to save his porn?
One folder was called 'Study Notes'. Despite being pretty tired, I had to smile at that. Though he had a good heart and a strong work ethic, Ryan wasn't exactly the most academic kid in the world.
My bullshit sense was tingling. I clicked into the folder.
A list of dozens of video files appeared. They weren't named, just timestamped. I opened the first.
Immediately a video opened of a naked young blonde girl on her knees in front of a guy, stroking his giant cock. The room behind her was quite dark, and the guy appeared to be holding the camera as she pleasured him. She looked up at the lens and winked, before sliding her tongue out to lick his dick. The video ended and began to replay automatically.
Hmmm... not bad. She was pretty cute.
Maybe he's just into amateurs?
I opened the next file. It was a similar shot, though with a young Asian girl. This time, however, she was sucking a massive tool eagerly, trying to take it as far down her throat as she could before gagging. The guy holding the camera moaned, his free hand reaching out to grab the girl by the hair. I quickly turned down the volume just in case Ryan was still awake.
The girl deepthroated the guy's cock, her eyes watering before she had to release it.
Damn...
... lucky bitch.
I began to feel relieved that my son's taste in porn was fairly "normal".
The next video was a little more intense, as the guy fucked the same Asian girl from behind, her cute little ass pushing back against his long thrusts. Again he gripped her by the hair, though this time he tugged sharply, and she let out a squeal.
Mmmmmm...
... Was it weird I was getting turned on by my son's porn?