To those who took the trouble to email me feedback, thank you for your enthusiastic and encouraging words. I know it's been a long time since chapter 6 and I hope chapter 7 is worth the wait. The story of Catherine and Thomas is nearly at an end and I'm as curious as you are to find out what fate has in store for them. I foresee one more chapter before I move on to telling someone else's story.
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After my first session with Louisa I arrived home feeling completely drained, emotionally and physically. It was such a relief to share the burden of my terrible secret. I got into bed and almost immediately fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. Waking up several hours later in the quiet early morning, I had a few seconds of blissful forgetfulness, before awareness rushed in like a dark overwhelming wave. I burrowed deeper under the duvet and pulled the pillow over my head. Like a child, I wanted to hide from the ugly grown-up world with its incomprehensible problems.
If only life's problems could be solved that easily.
Eventually I dragged myself out of bed and confronted my haggard face in the bathroom mirror. I looked like a mess – hair standing on end, make-up smudged and worst of all, the awful hollowness of my eyes. I turned away hurriedly and stripped off for a shower.
Twenty minutes later I sat at my bedroom window, nursing a cup of coffee and watching the early risers on their way to work and school. As I watched those strangers go about their business I finally allowed myself to confront what I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant – I would not go through with this pregnancy. Logically, I knew I had a choice. I could have the baby and then have it adopted. I could even keep the baby. But, the truth would come out eventually. Adopted children sometimes seek out their birth mothers. What would I tell my child about his or her father? What would I tell Thomas? If I decided to keep the baby I couldn't claim someone else was the father. He would insist on playing a role in the baby's life and I couldn't deal with that.
A quiet, insidious voice told me I was being cowardly – I would terminate this pregnancy to protect myself, not for the good my unborn child. I didn't want my secret revealed and I didn't want to face my family's disgust and devastation. I was running away. I shook my head violently, as if to shake away those awful, insistent thoughts. This wasn't just for me – no child should be born under these circumstances I reasoned. And who knew what the medical consequences could be? No, this was the right decision for all concerned, even those who were unaware of my predicament.
I waited until I thought Louisa might be at the office and called her to tell her my decision.
"I want an abortion." I stated.
"Ok. Are you sure Catherine? Have you thought carefully about all your options?" Louisa asked.
"I'm sure." I said, with barely a quiver in my voice. "I want an abortion and I want it done as soon as possible."
"Alright Catherine, come in today and we'll make the arrangements." Louisa said.
We agreed to meet at 11:00 and now all I had to do was occupy myself until it was time to leave. I paged aimlessly through a few magazines, not registering the words on the pages. I tried to watch TV but after flipping through all the channels and finding nothing that could hold my interest for longer than a few seconds I switched off in disgust. Maybe a walk would make me feel better. I dressed hurriedly in comfortable sweats and shoes and headed out. I opened my door and gasped in shock as I confronted Thomas, hand raised as he was about to knock. We stared at each other for a moment before I found my voice.
"Thomas, what are you doing here?" I asked hoarsely. "How did you find my address?"
"Hello Catherine. May I come inside?" he replied, ignoring my questions.
I hesitated and then stepped aside, allowing him to enter. My already small apartment seemed to shrink further at his presence. I took a ragged breath and closed my door, turning to face him. The morning light slanted across his face and I was shocked to see lines of exhaustion and unhappiness etched there.
"What are you doing here Thomas? How did you find me?" I asked again.
He shrugged. "It wasn't difficult to find you Catherine. What does it matter any way? I'm here and we need to talk. I can't bear this any longer."
"I can't talk to you now Thomas. I have to be somewhere and I can't be late." I said, half lying. I still had a few hours before my appointment with Louisa.
"Surely you can spare me a few minutes? I'm only asking for a few minutes of your precious time to talk about our relationship." Thomas said sourly.
"I don't know what to say to you." I said.
"Maybe you could listen to me then?" he asked.
I shrugged. After a few seconds he took my silence for compliance.
"I know you needed to take time out to think. Watching you walk away that day at my office, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Catherine, it's been two months; you've had time to think. All I ask of you is that you listen to me before making a final decision."
Still I said nothing. He looked searchingly at me for a moment before continuing.
"I can't seem to find the words to convince you that we can make it work. I'm under no illusions that it will be easy but I honestly think we can find a way. You love me. I know you do. I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone. More than I loved Lisa."
I looked up sharply at his last words. He gazed at me steadily - no doubt or prevarication in his eyes. My resolve crumbled. I started crying. Thomas was at my side in a flash, holding me tight, telling me over and over how much he loved me and how everything was going to be alright. I cried even harder. I clung to him and sobbed my heart out. Thomas rocked me and kissed my tear-stained face, crooning soft encouraging words.
"It's ok baby. Everything's going to be alright, you'll see. I love you so much and I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise. We'll work it out my darling. There's nothing we can't overcome as long as we have each other. You'll see honey, you'll see, it will all work out. You'll have to put up with me for a very long time because I'm not letting you go, ever."
He tilted my face up to his and kissed me deeply. I melted. For a few exquisite moments I enjoyed being in his arms again and I kissed him back as passionately as he kissed me. When we finally broke apart he grinned happily at me.
"Oh God Catherine, I've missed you so much!" he exclaimed fervently. Laughing, he picked me up and spun me around.
I cut short his celebration by breaking out of his embrace to rush to the bathroom to be sick. Reality had rudely intruded. I locked the door against his urgent concerned questions.
When I emerged a few minutes later a worried Thomas immediately asked me what was wrong. Was I ill? Had I gone to a doctor? He would take me to a doctor immediately.
I cut short the flow of words.
"I've been to a doctor. I'm not ill." I said sharply.
"Then what's wrong? You look ill. Who is this doctor? Never mind, it doesn't matter. I'll take you to the best doctor in town." Thomas insisted.
"Thomas! Please, just be quiet for a moment. I don't need to go to another doctor. I know what's wrong." I interrupted.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I looked at him and said:
"I'm pregnant."
