My name is Alan and I'm 19 years old. I'm in my first year at the local community college and I still live with my Mom and Dad. What I'm writing about is something that is very real and very near to my heart. I'm in love for the first time and I hope that it will last forever. I'm sorry if that sounds dopey but it's the way I feel.
When I was 14 years old, all that I thought about was girls. My thoughts were the ordinary thoughts that guys have at that age. You see a girl and you wonder what she would look like naked. You see a girl and you wonder if she's the kind of girl who would have sex with you if you asked or maybe if she got high or drunk. What would it take to convince that girl to have sex with me? Sex was the biggest mystery in my life and I wanted answers to all of my questions. Life revolved around the physical aspect of relationships, what I now refer to as being "in heat" or "in lust" instead of being "in love."
When I got to be 17 years old, I knew that there was more to life than simply seeing a girl naked and having sex. Even though I was still a virgin, I had enjoyed enough orgasms (courtesy of Rosie Palms) to know that you think about an orgasm, then you do something and you make it happen, it feels wonderful, and then it's gone. Later, you kinda remember what it felt like but that's not the same thing as having the feeling. You just don't have sex or stay in bed with a girl 24 hours a day. There had to be something in life that lasted longer than an orgasm.
Through watching other people, reading, talking to others, and just being an observer of life, I realized that it is love that keeps people going long after they have had sexual satisfaction or fulfillment. Sure, once I figured this out, I still wanted to have sex -- even more than when I was 14 -- but I wanted more than just sex. Friends told me about places I could go and have sex with some skanky whore for $25 but I couldn't imagine doing that.
For a while, I remained a virgin by choice. Don't get the wrong idea; I'm not a prim and proper sissy. I'm an athletic guy and I even competed on the high school wrestling team for a few years. Don't tell me that this sounds too stupid to be true but I wanted to have sex in a relationship that meant more than just having an orgasm.
My best friend is my sister Lizzie. Her name is Elizabeth but everybody calls her Lizzie. She's one year younger than me. She turned 18 a few months ago. Lizzie is a great sister. She likes spending time with me and she helped me with some things in school. We've gone to movies together and even a few parties because our parents trust us when we're together and we get to do more things.
Lizzie is a senior in high school. About 4 months ago, we went to a party together and Sally's house. Sally's mom was there trying to keep an eye on things but there were a lot of people at the party and there was stuff happening that her mom didn't know about, like people smoking weed in the back yard and making out behind the garage.
I wasn't dating anybody at the time but I was interested in a girl who I knew from high school. Her name was Amber and she was cute but not drop dead gorgeous and I thought I might have a chance with her. I had talked to her on the phone a few times and she said she was going to this party so I told her I'd see her there.
Lizzie had started dating this guy named Steve. He was also a senior at our school. They were going to meet up at the party and maybe go somewhere else for a while. Lizzie had told me that was the plan and she asked me to not tell Mom or Dad about that.
I drove us to the party and it was a few miles away so we had a little time to talk while we were en route. "So, what are you and Steve gonna do when you leave the party," I asked, using a tone of voice that suggested I already knew the answer.
"Why do you wanna know?" she asked, avoiding my question.
"Well, is it something that, you know, I should come with you guys wherever you're going?"
"No, just keep it quiet, okay?" she asked.
"Are you guys gonna . . . you know . . . do something?" I prodded.
"Well, if we were, do you think I'd tell you," she asked. The grin on her face told me all that I needed to know.
I knew that her response meant 'yes' but she didn't want to actually admit it. I had assumed that Lizzie was still a virgin because she probably would have talked to me if she had lost her virginity.
"Hey, be careful," I said. "If you're thinking about what I'm guessing you're thinking about, you don't want to do it with a guy who's gonna go back to school and tell everybody what you did, where you did it, and whether you were any good."
"Okay. Thanks for the advice, Dad!" she said with mock appreciation. "Sometimes, you're such a dork!" she proclaimed.
"Hey, I worry about you, that's all," I said.
"And what makes you think I wouldn't be any good?" she asked with some hint of feigned indignation.
"Well, I assume that you're still a virgin and you probably don't know a whole lot about sex. I've heard other guys say that the first time for a girl isn't that great for her because she's usually too scared . . . you know, worried about it hurting and all that stuff."
"Well, I'll probably be the best ever."
We arrived at the party and Steve was already there. Lizzie ran up to him and gave him a kiss. I turned away because I just didn't want to see my kid sister kissing some guy. Within a minute, they had disappeared somewhere and I was on my own.
I looked around for Amber and didn't see her anywhere. Most of the kids at the party were still in high school but I knew quite a few and I sat around drinking a beer with a couple of guys who had been on the wrestling team when I was a senior.
One of them looked up and then said to me, "Hey. There's that chick Amber you were talking about."
I looked up and saw her walking in holding hands with some guy. 'Fuck me!' I thought to myself. 'I guess I won't be hitting on her tonight.'
I got another beer and kept talking to the guys about wrestling and college. About an hour later, Lizzie walked up to me and said, "Can we go now?"
"Hey, what's the hurry?" I asked.
"I need to leave right now, okay?"
I thought maybe it was one of those girl things like she started having her period or something else that I really didn't want to hear about, so I didn't ask any more questions.
We got in the car and, as I pulled out onto the street, Lizzie said, "I don't want to go home yet."
Now I was perplexed and a bit frustrated by being kept in the dark. "What the hell's going on?" I demanded.
That was all it took. Lizzie started sobbing and I felt like a heel. I knew I wasn't going home and we obviously needed to talk about something, so I drove down to Green's Lake and parked.
"I . . . uh . . . this isn't easy," Lizzie started. "I'm sure you think I'm still a virgin and . . . yeah, I am. But . . . I had decided that Steve was the one and tonight was going to be the night. I had some dreams that he was going to take me somewhere and get a motel room and it would be romantic and maybe not to scary and . . .."
"And, obviously, something happened so your dreams didn't come true," I interjected.
"Yeah, well, Steve and I started talking about it and he didn't have those kind of dreams at all. He thought I was going to have sex with him because I owed it to him and he didn't want to spend any money on a hotel room and, when I said I didn't feel like doing it in the back seat of his car, he got up and walked away and said he'd find another girl who would give him a blow job in the middle of the street."
She began sobbing again and she leaned over towards me. I let her put her head on my shoulder and then I put my arms around her.
"I thought he was the one but I was so wrong! I guess nobody feels the way I do and I'll just become a nun or some spinster or something."
"You'd probably be a good nun, Sister Lizzie, except that you're not Catholic," I said, trying to find some comic relief.
"What about you? Weren't you going to try to hook up with Amber tonight?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought but she showed up with some other guy hanging all over her, so I guess I'll just be talking to Rosie the next few days . . .." I couldn't believe that I had said it but the words had already left my lips.
"Who's Rosie?" she asked. "Oh, Rosie Palms? Yeah, I heard some guys at school making a joke about that. Well, if it's any consolation, I know a self-induced orgasm is better than no orgasm at all!"
"You mean . . . you . . . do that too?" I asked with an incredulous look on my face.
"Uh, yeah, just like you have . . . Well, I mean, not JUST like you have, 'cause girls do it different than guys, but . . ."
"How do you know I do it?" I demanded.
"Well, I really didn't, but you haven't denied it!" she responded. "Anyway, fair is fair, we both admitted it . . . we masturbate . . . and both of us are alone and looking for love."
"Gawd, that sounds like a bad country song, except for the masturbate part," I said. "Well, maybe we haven't found the love we're looking for, yet, but . . . we love each other and that's not the same thing, of course, but it counts for a lot! Let's go home."
"Thanks, Alan," she said, and then she kissed me on the cheek.
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