Bittersweet

It had been a month since that fateful day that my cousin and I had begun our... relationship. All ready though we had strains on it. See, she wanted to have sex; she was ready. She'd always push the limits when we were alone. I would always push her away or something like that. She made me feel so guilty for withholding the only thing she asked of me. I could see her eyes grow more distant every time I denied her, it burdened me so much. So why was I not giving her what she wanted? I guess I was afraid, of what I don't know.

Today wasn't different than any other day. We sat together in class, our hands entwined under the long table. She leant against my shoulder at times but I could feel that she was getting bored. So she let go of my hand and let it drag against my leg. I knew what she was heading for. I have to say she knew how to turn me the right way. I could feel the effect bulging underneath the fabric of my jeans. Then in an instant her hand was rubbing against it. Wow, it was good. Unfortunately I found my mind again and brushed her away. I saw her eyes fade, yet again. I couldn't stand this anymore. Tonight was the night I would let her know that I was ready.

The drive home was long and silent. She sat in the passenger's seat staring out the window looking into the clouds as if she was up there, away. I didn't like it. Before we held hands in the car, she would normally blare the music and talk and laugh and show emotion. Now she just stared out the window, and no matter how much I tried to make her laugh she just brushed it off. Dammit, what have I done to her, I have to do it tonight, to bring her back to me

"So what do we do huh?"

"What do you mean?" She didn't look, just spoke

"I can't keep feeling guilty all the time"

"No one said you had to."

"But I do"

"Not my fault" her voice was more hoarse

We pulled into the driveway; Lacey opened the door and walked into the house, not even noticing Uncle Danny or Chris packing up the truck.

"What's her problem bud?"

"Oh she just didn't like the lecture that's all." I looked at the over loaded truck, examining the excess of stuff "Where ya'll headed?"

"Week of fishin'" Chris said coming from the other side of the vehicle "Wanna come?"

"Nah, fishing and me never did too well. I'm kind of an inside person"

"Suit yourself bud, but I'm telling you, we gonna catch some big ass fish"

"Oh I have no doubt Uncle D but still, I'd rather stick around here; keep Lacey away from these juiced up jocks around here"

"Now that is what I like to hear."Uncle Danny came and squeezed me on the shoulder "Chris now why can't you be more like this young fella and look out for your sister like he is?"

Chris spoke from the inside of the truck cab "Lacey is a grown girl daddy, she can take care of herself" He was fiddling with the GPS, his dad's accusation didn't even faze him

I walked inside the house. I placed my book bag on the couch and headed into the kitchen where a depressed girl sat.

"I'm sorry Lacey for what I'm doing to you."

"Don't apologize to me! I don't need you to feel guilty or bad or sorry for me!"

"Hey, hey listen" I pulled her closer to me, her head pressed against my chest and I felt her shiver. "I-I can't take back this last month, but I don't want us to be like this."

"It's not my fault" She whimpered out

"I know, I know. It's my fault and I'm sorry---"

"DON"T APOLOGIZE!!" She tore away from me and ran up the stairs and slammed her door shut.

"Wow, you're in deep shit with her cuz" Chris said coming into the house "Listen, we're heading out so take care."

Within a minute I heard the roar of the truck come alive then fade away. A few moments later Lacey came trudging down the stairs

"I'm going to work, be back later."

"Lacey wait!" I ran toward the door and stopped her before she could open it

"What, I'm going to be late!" I leant in to kiss her, starting as a goodbye kiss but without any warning her arms came around my neck and her tongue parted my lips and played inside my mouth, her breathing grew as my hands roamed down her back. I went under her shirt brushed the entirety of her back, sending her a wave of euphoria, she pressed herself closer to me and pushed me against the door. I broke the kiss and looked into her eyes, her green eyes, beautiful green eyes. They were closer to me than they had been all the time. Then she leant in again and began where she left off, I didn't stop her, not anymore. My hands went to her skirt and I undid the zipper, pulling the skirt ever so slightly off her and down to her feet. My hand slipped between her legs. It was warm. Ever so lightly I brushed my fingers across her lips.

"Do you except my apology?" Her face went to my chest and I could feel her mouth curve and I heard a muffled "yes" come from her mouth.

"That's all I needed, you can go to work now."

"Don't be cruel Natty; you can't leave me like this"

"I don't know, maybe I could, it'll make you want me more when you get back."

"Nathan!" She shrilled

I laughed a small laugh then let my hand drift down to her heat again. I moved the fabric away and delved into her. I heard a light, soft moan. I continued into her wet heat. I felt her tighten against my finger. I began a steady motion pulling out till the tip of my finger was still nestled in her, then pushing in again. At first it was slow, driving her bonkers, she tightened her grip on my shoulders and her breath grew heavier but she let out "work" so I began to go a bit faster. It didn't take long for her to reach her orgasm. She shrilled out one final scream, tilting her head back. She fell into my body, her breathing got steadier. I pulled her panties back over her hips. I kissed her forehead brushing her hair while doing so.

"Better get to work; I think you're already late." She moaned in frustration, all I could do was laugh at her irritation. She pulled her skirt back up and kissed me.

"I'll be back later" She said it lazily

"I'll be waiting"

"Waiting?" She asked raising a very devious eyebrow.

"If that's what you want" I bent down and kissed her once more. "I'm not holding back any longer. If you want it to be tonight, it'll be tonight" I leant in for another kiss. I held her figure in my arms for a time, unaware of time itself or work or the fact that she was now late, it was just us, in our own world. "Now you have to head out." I let her go and signaled her out the door. She stumbled out the door and walked to her car, she looked back once. I smiled and blew a kiss to her. She giggled as she got into the car and drove off.

I had planning to do now. Tonight was going to be special for her, for me too but mostly for her. I don't know why but sex never really seemed that important to me, I mean I did it once my sophomore year but it wasn't as great as the hype was. It was important to Lacey though, so it's important to me. And I admit that having her naked flesh close to me would be very pleasurable, after all I wasn't gay, having Lacey that way...it's just something out of a fantasy, that'd be true in a few of hours

I started the oven up and got what I needed from the fridge and cabinets. I was going to make my personal favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole. I mixed everything I need and put it in the oven. Now it was time for me to clean myself up.

I turned the shower on and got the temperature right, then headed to my bedroom to sort some cloths out. Some jeans and a buttoned shirt would do well, causal is sexy. I laid them out and headed back into the shower. I stood in the shower for awhile thinking about future events. Would she like it? Would I like it? Will I be good enough? I've not really had that much experience. Those are the thoughts that popped in and out of my head. After that I began to scrub down my body. Then I grabbed a disposable razor. I stared at it, thinking if I should or not. I know that sounds stupid but I wasn't sure what to do. I lathered shaving cream on my pubic area and began to shave the hair there; it seemed like the proper thing to do; 'I wonder if Lacey shaved'

After I finished my shower I put the jeans on and shirt. Sprayed some deodorant spray on and headed out into the living room. I pushed all the furniture away and left a big open space in the center. I set the two dishes with cutleries and glasses on the coffee table, moving it towards the corner of the open space I made. Then I went to the closet and pulled out several blankets. I set them on top of each other in the center of the space.

The timer went off in the kitchen, which signaled that the casserole was finished. I went into the kitchen and pulled the dish out of the oven. The aroma from it was wonderful. Home Economics finally paid off.

The sun was almost completely gone when I set the food on the coffee table. I got out a bunch of candles from the pantry closet and set them through out the living room, even in the kitchen too. I lit ever one and then looked at my labor. The sun set and the dim light from the candles made the whole thing romantic. The sound of the sea in the background, the food and the cushioned floor where Lacey and I will spend the night, all of it was perfect.

Right on cue, Lacey's car pulled in the drive. This was it, the night we would be together.

As I saw the door open I rushed to hide beside the door. I saw her eyes pop when she opened the door and saw the candle light. Her eyes scanned the area, noticing every detail. Slowly I wrapped my arms around her small waist. Her head slowly turned to meet mine. Her eyes were curious, asking questions. I lent in and my lips touched hers. She forced her tongue and I let her have her way. I felt her face grow hot and it seemed her whole body was on fire almost. She turned her body to face mine and rested her hands on my chest. Her hand began to fiddle with my shirt button. "Later" I let out before she could go in further. She stared at me, no emotion just a stare. I smirked a little and said again "Later"

I took her hand and led her to the coffee table. She knelt down were I showed her, I sat on the other end.

"Natty, all this...for me?"

I shook my head as I served her a decent portion from the pot of food.

For awhile there wasn't much talking. But just like her she couldn't control herself and she began to talk. She told me about her day at work and how she might be getting a promotion, stuff like that. All I did was watch her. I imagined her soft skin under me, how her small figure would be covered by my own. I kept watching her, the sound of the ocean waves in the background, mixed with the glow from the candle light made her more and more adoring to me.

"I'm sorry I've made you wait this long."

Her face came up to meet my eyes, a small smile appearing from her delicate mouth. "Don't—"

"I know you don't want me to apologize or feel guilty, but I do." I placed my fork down resting my hand on the table top. "I just haven't had the best time coping with our situation. I have this thing about morals you see...I probably thrown them out the window but I at least I wanted to wait."

"I und—"

"Let me finish. You were ready to have sex the minute we started going out, and I understand that, you were ready, but I wasn't...I feel damned foolish for not letting you have what you want. In all honesty though, I am glad we waited."

Lacey stood from her spot and walked over to my side, grabbing my hand. She pulled me up from my seat. We walked over to the comforters in the center of the room. She sat down and signaled me to do the same. "I'm sorry for forcing this on you." She stated in a timid voice

"What do you have to be sorry for? You've done nothing wrong. Wanting your companion to be with you is nothing to apologize for."

I laid back on the bedding. Her dainty form fell beside me. I looked at her watching her again. She was beautiful, beyond anything I could wish for.

"So I have something to tell you Natty."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"I have been thinking about what you were going to do tonight; all day."

"And..."

"You have topped my expectations."

"Well, I'm glad. I wanted it to be like that"

Her hand went to my forehead brushing the few strands to the side. "I don't think you should though" Her hand drifted to my chest.

"And why is that?"

"Cause..." Her fingers started to unbutton my shirt "you'll have to top this one again..." the last button was released. Her fingers traced all the way up my abdomen resting on my throat.

I took her hand with mine and rolled her over. Her gaze at me was strong and urgent. She knew that I would be with her tonight. She wanted it to be immediate. I kissed her slender neck; she inclined it allowing me more access space. I took her hands and pressed them above her, holding her down. My lips met hers. This wasn't a soft kiss of temperance; this was hard, hunger for passion. My tongue ran along her lips hoping to gain admittance, to taste her. She warranted it and our tongues met and entwined. One of my hands let go of her arms and went under her, lifting her back, letting her breasts press against my chest. I moved my body to the bedding, bringing her with me. Her breasts rested against my chest, her hips on mine, and her now wet core, against my risen bulge, separated by the fabric of my jeans and her skirt. She whimpered as we came in contact. I stopped to look in her eyes; closer than they have ever been before, full of fierce desire and raging with intense green passion.

She placed her hands on my chest and pushed her upper body up. She removed her shirt, revealing her mounds nestled in red lace. She slowly unsnapped her bra and revealed the rest of her glorious perfection. I was dumbfounded by the sight, my jaw hung open. She laughed then lent down, pressing her warm breasts against my chest, it was almost enough to let me loose myself. Her mouth went to my ear and she whispered "don't let that jaw open to long"

"Sorry." Her hands went back against my chest and she lifted herself up again.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to apologize to me?" She lifted her right leg off of me and went for my zipper. My hardness appeared the second she pulled my zipper down full. She gasped at my lack of underwear but giggled afterward. She then went to the zipper of her skirt and pulled it off her slim waist, down her legs. As opposed to me, she had underwear. Within a few seconds though, they were off, showing a triangular patch of bush above her loin. It was a mesmerizing sight

She went back to straddling me, her arousal now evident from the inferno of her core and the thick honey that covered her folds and thighs. I admit that I was more confident now than before, having evidence that she wanted me. I wanted her too though, more than she thought.

She rested her pelvis above my manhood. Her mouth darted for my chest; she nibbled and bit at the flesh below my nipple. My cock twitched against the outer folds of her heat. A gasp came from her mouth. She raised her self above me and lingered above. Slowly she lowered herself onto my shaft. With her already well lubricated, she slide down with ease.

Her body again pressed against mine, breasts, to chest, hype to hype. We didn't move. She stared at me for the longest time, not moving, just staring at with a smile "What?"

"Nothing, it's been a month of waiting and now it's finally here." She laid her head against my chest, she rested there for a moment, then began to slide up my shaft and down again. I groaned at the intense feeling of her tight, velvetiness around me. Her rhythm slowed, I heard her moan as my length penetrated at this slower rhythm. I started to caress her back with my fingers. Her mouth went to my neck, nibbling at the skin. The euphoric pleasure spilling over me as her teeth sunk into me was pure bliss. Her hands grabbed underneath my shoulders, her nails dug in. I winced at the twinge but having her feel that way, I would want to endure much more that small scrapes.

Our pace quickened, her breathing growing shorter in between gasps, her moans a bit louder. I wasn't going to make it to long if she kept that up, thankfully though I don't think she was either.

I sat up, Lacey in my arms. My lips went down to her breast, I lathered the perked nipple, she moaned with pleasure as my tongue passed up and down her tit. I let one of my hands release from her back and placed it onto the other mound, molding it and squeezing it. The pace grew faster again, she was grinding against me, slipping off my rod and down again, leaving wetness around it each time.

"Natty, I'm, gonna..." She let out a moan after that, almost a scream. With that her clear honey came flowing out of her warmth. It was intensely euphoric that I came too. Horror came upon my face, I didn't know if she was safe or not, as if knowing what I was thinking she managed to breathe"...We're okay" hearing that I was at ease letting the feeling of pleasure course through me.

Her arms loosened around my shoulders and her head fell to my chest. I let my head fall back and relaxed myself. Her lips came to my chin and kissed it ever so softly. My eyes lent down and saw her there, smiling at me. My heart nearly broke then, she was happy and those once distant eyes were close and fierce. "Those eyes are going to be the death of me." I said stroking her hair back behind her ear.

"How so?"

"Well I'd do anything to have them the way they are right now, only for them to torture me with their beautiful stare, and when they aren't that way I do everything in my power to get them back."

"So you want them to torture you?"

"More than ever." She buried her face in my chest and began to quiver. I heard her sob. "Hey, hey....what's the matter?" I sat her and myself up. I cupped her face and turned it toward me "What's wrong Lacey?"

"Natty...I'm your cousin!" She grabbed her clothing and ran up to her room in a fury, leaving me alone. I thought to myself, why is she thinking this now; after we made love? I pulled my jeans on and buttoned my shirt up. I stood up from the cushioning. I began to head up the stairs to Lacey.

I knocked on the door "Lacey...Lacey" A few more knocks on the door. After no response I pressed my ear to the door. I heard a faint whimper coming from the other side. "Lacey, let's talk about this please. I thought you wanted this." Then something hurdled to the door and vibrated it against my face.

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"Lacey, you were the one who wanted this, you wanted me to be with you, for the longest time I didn't want to because I felt the way you are feeling now. I'm not pointing a finger at you but don't you think you should've felt this way a while ago? Or at least before we did it...when you want to talk, I'm here" I walked down the stairs into my room and closed the door, slammed it would be the more appropriate word.

It was later that evening when I decided to get out of my bed. I had been lying there for hours; not getting any rest or appeasement, I heard Lacey run to the bathroom a couple of times, then immediately after I heard her throw up. Tears came dripping down my face every time I heard her. I wasn't the only one crying though, she cried longer and louder than I was, only making my water works strengthen. I couldn't bear it! Burn me now 'because I can't live with the guilt knowing that I am the reason for her suffering, again!

I went out into the kitchen. I grabbed a soda from the fridge and headed out to the veranda. Sitting on a chair I let out a very bewildered sigh. I couldn't blame Lacey for what she was feeling, I couldn't hate her either, I just wish I could find the right words to say to comfort her, although I bet she wants to be a thousand miles from me at the moment. The look she gave me was agonizing, pure horror, but what could I do? I guess I could get an apartment near the college, when we had classes together I wouldn't sit next to her. My mind contrived millions of ideas to get her to feel less pain. My plans ranged from from dropping out and heading down to Florida, to just flat out killing myself. None of those ideas seemed good though, the only one that sounded rational was to move out and try to avoid her at school.