Best Intentions

Once again, I am very grateful to my friend Gayle for her willingness to edit my work. You are the best!

As always, this is a work of fiction.

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Isn't it funny how the smallest of actions can carry such great consequences? We may set out to do something with the absolute best of intentions, but larger forces seem to conspire against us and the subsequent outcome is far different than we ever could have imagined. This is a story of just one such event, and the resulting pickle in which I now find myself.

My name is Jan, and I am a forty three year old divorced mom of two wonderful children. My eldest is a daughter who is twenty one years of age and lives nearby in an apartment with her longtime boyfriend. My youngest is Darren, an eighteen year old high school senior who lives here at home with me.

I am a registered nurse and work the odd hours that often come with the job. As such, I have to admit I was not always around to observe my children's lives as much as I would have liked, particularly since the divorce. My daughter, Lynne, seemed to enjoy wonderful school years and was always on the go at one function or another. Darren's high school experience appeared much different however, which caused me a great deal of concern.

Darren is a smart, handsome kid, but is also quite shy. As a child he had a number of good friends and was very active, but of late he seemed to always be at home alone, working or playing on his laptop. I spoke to him about it a number of times, but he simply said he and his buddies preferred playing video games online to just hanging out like they used to. I never understood video games and hoped he was being honest with me, yet I remained a tad skeptical.

I confided in a couple of my friends that I was worried about Darren's behavior, but none appeared worried at all. The common refrain from them all was simply, "Kids are just different these days, Jan." As much as I wanted to believe them, I was still worried.

It was February when I grew concerned once more. Valentine's Day had just passed, and it appeared Darren had no sweetheart, or even anything close. In addition, I knew there was a spring dance looming on the horizon, but he made no mention of attending. And I wasn't yet even contemplating the Senior Prom.

I guess that's why I began to contemplate Darren's sexuality for the first time. Did he masturbate? Was he a virgin? Had he ever even kissed a girl, or touch a breast? Could it be he might be gay and struggling to come to grips with that fact? I then thought about all the time he spent online. Was he going into adult sites to see things he didn't have in real life? He had become withdrawn in some ways, so nothing would really surprise me.

My ex husband and I had more than our share of issues in our relationship, but nocturnal activities in the bedroom were never a part of them. We both enjoyed high sex drives, so I just assumed our children would be raging sex maniacs. Not that I wanted my kids to become studs or sluts, but I considered a healthy sexual appetite a good thing for one's outlook on life.

Suddenly I was left feeling great guilt. I had noticed the changes in him over the years, and just assumed it was Darren being Darren and left him alone. As a single mom, I didn't want to smother him, so I let him walk his own path. Now I realized he may have needed a confidant to share things with, or maybe get advice from time to time. As part of my job, I listen to patients all the time, but for some inexplicable reason, had neglected my own child.

I set up a lunch date with my daughter, and over salads began to question her about Darren. Did she think he was okay? Was she aware of any issues? Had he ever had a girlfriend? She assured me he was just fine, yet for some reason I couldn't stop asking questions. After a few more queries, Lynne looked at me incredulously and said, "Jesus, you're his mother. Ask him yourself!"

Of course she was right. I had let things go on too long, and made up my mind right there to have a heart to heart with Darren, the likes of which we'd never had before. When I arrived home after lunch, I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to figure out the best way to tackle things with him. I certainly didn't want to come on too strong after ignoring his behavior like I had.

When he came home from school that afternoon, Darren went straight to his room and opened his laptop just as he did most every day. He instantly began pecking away at the keys, and seemed oblivious to the fact that I was even home. I took a deep breath and entered the room to chat with him.

Darren seemed annoyed that I interrupted whatever he was doing online, but he made a few keystrokes and then looked up at me. I tried to give him my best easy going smile to let him know everything was okay, and then I sat down on the bed beside his desk. We had always shared a fairly casual relationship, so I decided that rather than beat around the bush for a long time, I'd just get right at it. "Darren, is everything okay at school?"

"Sure Mom, why do you ask?"

I hesitated for a moment, then responded, "Well, it's just I never see you with your friends anymore."

"I told you, we like to play online," he answered, sounding somewhat irritated.

"I know, sweetie, it's just you never seem to leave the house."

"Mom, what's this all about?" he asked.

"Nothing, really...it's just, well, I'm concerned about you," I stammered, suddenly regretting that second glass of wine.

"I'm fine," he responded, as his hands went back to the computer.

He must have felt the conversation was over, but I was just getting started. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Darren let out an audible sigh, and simply replied, "No."

I wasn't sure exactly how to ask it, but before I even knew what happened I said, "You do like girls, don't you?"

"Jesus, Mom!" he barked. "Is that what this is all about?"

"Relax honey, please," I said, trying to calm things down. He looked really annoyed with me, but I pressed on. "It's just we haven't talked in so long, I was worried about you, that's all."

"I'm fine, okay," he replied, and then added, "And I'm not gay."

A big part of me felt like I'd crossed the line, and should leave him alone. I instantly decided that it was just better to press on, so I casually asked how his friends were doing, how school was, and any other innocuous thing I could think of. After exhausting most of my basic questions, I once again went for broke. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?"

"Yes," was his curt reply.

With relief, I asked, "So, do I know her?"

"I've actually dated two girls, Mom. But to answer your question, no, you don't," he responded tersely.

We both remained silent for a moment; unsure of what to say next. I finally decided to get one more thing out in the open, so I stammered less than eloquently, "You know I'm a nurse, and, well, if you ever have any questions, umm, you know...about sex, you can ask me."

Darren blushed, but simply nodded back at me with a somber look upon his face.

Not wanting to let things drop just yet, I added, "I know your dad isn't great at this stuff, so if you need anything, I mean anything, just ask. Okay?" He nodded once more, and with that I decided to let him off the hook and walked away.

Over the next few weeks, I did my best to engage Darren in conversation whenever possible, and overall he seemed okay with my renewed interest in his life. He didn't push me away, which was a start anyway. I pressed him gently on the subject of his past girlfriends, but he was not very forthcoming. I had the impression he was still a virgin, but that was fine with me. He assured me life was good, so I dropped it.

Darren was interested in attending college, and my ex had not been great with child support, so I had been picking up extra shifts at the hospital when available. I often worked nights, and was just climbing into bed when Darren was heading out for school in the morning.

One night after leaving work, I stopped into a convenience store to grab a cup of coffee for the ride home. I had been in there numerous times before, and had spied the adult magazines lined up on a rack behind the counter. After all my questioning of Darren regarding his love life, I impulsively decided to buy him a couple as a bit of an olive branch.

I didn't know which ones to get, but the two names I recognized were Playboy and Penthouse, so I purchased one of each. The guy behind the counter gave me a lecherous grin, but thankfully said nothing as he tucked them in a paper sack for me. I almost ran to the car before anyone could see me with them, and then headed for home.

After Darren left for school, I pulled the magazines out of the bag and was tempted to review them. They were wrapped in plastic, so I decided to leave them as they were and set them on a table next to his bed. I jotted down a quick note, letting him know they were a thank you for his honestly in opening up to me. I hoped my act would show him I thought he was an adult and it was safe to engage me about his feelings if ever he needed to.

I intentionally made it a point of not asking him about the magazines the next few days, and Darren said nothing either. We both pretended noting had changed, but I did notice that he was spending more time alone in his room. Candidly, I wondered if he had been masturbating to the pictures, which was fine with me. I owned a vibrator and diddled myself off at least three or four times per week, so I couldn't be a hypocrite.

I did notice that he become more attentive to me, helping clean up after dinner and the like. Maybe he had come to appreciate my attention, and the fact that I tried to treat him like an adult rather than a child.

About two weeks later, I just happened to have an entire Tuesday off, so I did errands and cleaned the house. When I brought a load of fresh laundry into Darren's room, I was suddenly curious about the magazines I had left. I opened the drawer of his bedside table, and found them right on top. It had been years since I'd actually looked at one, and wondered if they were still the same.

I sat down on Darren's bed, and began leafing through the Playboy. I was mildly surprised to find there were so many articles about things other than sex. The pictorials were tastefully done, and the women were even more beautiful than I had remembered. One thing was different from the last time I saw one, and that was all the girls were completely shaven. I trimmed myself down below, but had never completely done away with my hair. I figured that was the style today, and made a note to myself to try it sometime soon.

I opened the Penthouse, and began looking it over as well. The pictures were more graphic, but not too bad overall. I then found a section titled, Forum, and began to read. Apparently, they were letters from readers, detailing their sexual liaisons, and I must admit I quickly became engrossed. One of the first stories I read was from a college girl who seduced her professor, and it really made my pulse pound.

Next, I read about a guy who bedded his mother's best friend, which seemed naughty but oh so sexy. Without even realizing what I was doing, as I read my right hand wandered up under my skirt and I began softly stroking my pussy through my panties.

My body grew warmer as I scanned the subsequent tale. It was from a female lawyer who made it with her sexy new assistant in her office after hours. It reminded me of another nurse from work who made it clear on a couple of occasions she was interested in me. I was too chicken to acknowledge her overt hints, but I had fantasized about her on many occasions. Her name was Deb, and I closed my eyes and rubbed myself faster, picturing the two of us together just like the lawyer and her assistant.

I dropped the magazine and began pinching a nipple with my free hand while the other was busy between my legs. When my orgasm hit, I fell back on the bed with a loud moan, basking in the wonderful sensations. After a minute or so of panting and writhing atop the mattress, I opened my eyes and was shocked to see Darren standing at the door to his room, a look of wonder written all over his face.

I jumped up and stood before him, nervously straightening my skirt. "What are you doing home so early?" I barked, feeling more embarrassed than at any other time in my life.

"It's the first Tuesday of the month."

At that moment my head was swimming, so I asked, "What does that mean?"

"It's always early release for teacher's meetings on the first Tuesday of the month. You know, half days." he replied.

Of course, how could I have forgotten? I was so caught up in my errands and then, well, you know, I had lost focus. Feeling like a complete fool, I just had to get out of the room. I quickly walked past him and muttered, "Your laundry's done." As I did, I couldn't help but notice the large lump in his slacks and wondered just how long he had been watching me.

I did my best to avoid Darren the rest of the day, but over dinner there was obvious tension in the air. Needing to address it, I finally said, "I'm sorry for invading your privacy today. I shouldn't have been in your room."

He gave me a soft smile and said, "It's okay, Mom."

We ate in silence for a while longer, but I had to bring up the elephant in the room. With more than a bit of anxiety, I asked, "You saw what I was doing, didn't you?"

"Yes," was all he said. Obviously, he wasn't going to make this easy on me

"Well, I know some people say it's sinful, but I want to let you know that masturbation is normal and healthy," I stated, I'm sure sounding rather more clinical than I had hoped. He just looked back at me, as if at a loss for words. For some inexplicable reason, I asked, "Do you masturbate?"

His face went red, but after a pause he slowly nodded his head. "It's completely normal sweetheart. You have nothing; I mean nothing to be ashamed of, understand?" He simply nodded again.

In spite of the fact that I was feeling pretty embarrassed with everything, I added, "Remember, if you have any questions or need anything, just ask."

He answered, "Okay, Mom," and we both went back to eating in silence.

Things seemed to get back to normal quickly, albeit with a few minor changes. Instead of playing on the computer in his room, Darren would usually set the laptop on either the kitchen or living room table. We would chat while he played online, and sometimes he tried to explain why he found it so interesting. His passion for the games was lost on me, but I loved our new closeness regardless.

There was one change in me as well. As I said, I have always been a sexual being, but had never at all had been an exhibitionist. For some reason, after the little mishap in Darren's room, I suddenly became titillated at the idea of being watched. On more than a few occasions, I rubbed myself off in bed, imagining someone peering in the window, or viewing me in some other way. It was new and sexy, and I really liked it.

For some reason, I felt compelled to alter the way I clothed myself each day. I found myself dressing a bit spicier, and even went without a bra at times when I went about town. I tried to keep my appearance normal around my son, yet on a few occasions Darren was home from school when I returned from my errands. If he looked, he would have seen the jiggling of my unencumbered breasts under only a thin cotton top. Or maybe he would have preferred to gaze at the sleek legs running down from under my short skirts. And to be honest, I think he did look.

We had somewhat settled into a regular routine at home, and in spite of the infrequent wardrobe malfunctions around my son, things seemed pretty normal overall. I had almost completely gotten over the shock of Darren catching me in his room, when out of the blue he floored me with a question at dinner one evening. I could see there was something on his mind, so I asked him what was wrong.

He blushed profusely, but then began, "Well, you know how you said if there was anything I wanted, to just ask?"

I was truly excited for what was to come, wondering if he was finally going to open up to me. Maybe he'd share some tidbit of his past on which he needed my advice or support. Nodding enthusiastically, I replied, "Of course."

He took a deep breath, and then said, "You remember, ummm, the other day? When I saw you in my room?"

Instantly I felt sweat breaking out all over my body, wondering just where the hell this was going. I nervously responded, "Yes."

Very coolly, he stated, "I want to watch you again."

I don't think six simple words had ever shocked me so much. "What?" I shouted, not believing what I just heard, "You can't be serious!"

"But you said you'd do whatever I wanted."

"Jesus Christ, Darren! That's not what I meant and you know it!" I yelled, dumbfounded that he would actually have the gall to ask such a thing.

"Fine," he muttered, and rose from the table with his dishes. I watched in stunned silence as he rinsed off his plate, set it in the dishwasher, and started towards his room.

I shouted to him before he made the hallway, "Darren, I can't believe you just asked me that. There's just no way I can do it."

He waived his hand towards me dismissively and stated, "Typical."

I stood and yelled back to him, "Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It's always been like this," he replied, sounding exasperated.

"What do you mean?"

"When I was a kid, you said I could ask for anything, but I never got it. I'd ask for special cereal in the grocery store, and you'd say it was unhealthy. I asked for cool clothes, and you said we couldn't afford them. Same with the school trip to Washington, D.C. You always say ask, but the answer is always no. Why do I even bother?" He ranted on and on, then walked into his room and slammed the door.

To say I was stunned would be the biggest understatement of my life! I sat back at the table and tried to come to grips with what the heck had just happened. I had to admit, he was correct in some respects. Being a nurse, I never let him have the sugary treats that were the staples of his friend's diets. And of course we were never wealthy, living in a fancier town than we really could afford, so we went without in other ways. I never dressed Darren like a pauper, but he was not exactly the school trend setter either, that's for sure.

In spite of all that, there was just no way I could intentionally masturbate for my own child. How could he ever even think I'd agree to that? Did he believe that just because I purchased him a couple adult magazines, and admitted I played with myself that I'd just put on a show for him? I was astounded!

I let my nerves calm down for a few minutes, and then went to his room to talk to him. I knocked on Darren's door, and heard a loud, "Go away."

In spite of his comment, I turned the knob and went in anyway. Darren was at his desk, on his laptop, and looked at me with anger clearly written across his face. I softened my own as best as I could and said, "Honey, let's talk."

"What's the point, Mom? You'll talk; I'll listen, just like always. But nothing will really change."

I tried my best to control my nerves, but I was rapidly tiring of his attitude. "Darren, I'm sorry if I've let you down in the past, I really am. But this is one thing that just will never happen. I shouldn't have been in your room, and I'm sorry you saw what I was doing, but that's it. It'll never happen again."

Darren stared back at me with daggers in his eyes, then said, "Fine, Mom. Can you close the door on your way out?" With that he turned back to the computer and began typing away.

I was pissed! I walked out and slammed the door behind me, needing to get away from my son for fear I'd say something I would regret. I don't think I had ever been so upset. I found myself pacing back and forth from the kitchen to the living room the remainder of the night, silently continuing to argue with Darren in my head. When I finally climbed into bed, I suffered through one of the least restful nights sleep of my life.