Being There for Mom

Being There for Mom

A son assists his ailing mother

This is not my usual lighthearted stuff. Thanks as always to Todger65 for editing.

~~~~~{}~~~~~

I'm stuck in a hospital waiting room again. Suffering intense boredom while sitting on furniture designed to be as uncomfortable as possible. I believe the designers of this torture chamber fashion must also provide the same service for the airlines.

I could go down the hall to the cafeteria and get some indigestion filled coffee, but if I do chaos will ensue. It is an unwritten rule that the nurse will come looking for me as soon as I leave. The nurse will be visibly perturbed and internally pissed off that I had the audacity to leave the waiting room while my loved one was seeing the doctor. Getting a cup of coffee would be a sure sign that I am incapable of being a caregiver.

Not that this crisis is a new one, or one I can affect in any way. No, I'm just the one who has the testicular fortitude to be the driver and bringer of bad news. The blame for something totally out of my control will land squarely on my shoulders because someone needs to be blamed. I often wish that I was the one that lived in another state like my aunt, too far away to be called on as the driver. Relegated to receiving a phone call with dire news, my only obligation would be to make the appropriate sounds of puzzlement and sympathy.

Alas, it is not my lot in life in this moment to live a life of irresponsibility. I have some less than stellar attributes. One of them is the inability to say 'No' when someone needs my help. Even if that someone is sadly lacking in empathy for anyone other than themselves. Mom is, not to put a fine point on it, being a world class bitch. As her son and self-abuser extraordinaire, I volunteered six months ago to take her to her doctor appointments. Appointments she was perfectly capable of driving to herself. One appointment turned into a caregiver position that I did not apply for and now had no wish to do.

So, I sit and wait until one day the waiting will be over. Mom has terminal cancer. It is just a matter of time. She has become extremely selfish, and she insists that the numerous specialists that she has seen are wrong headed, money hungry, idiots. The tests she is undergoing today are the last that any oncologist within two hundred miles will do. The only reason today's tests are being done is because this doctor is getting ready to retire and he wants as much billable work as he can get. I find it ironic that she is validating her own opinion about doctors.

I prepare myself for the tirade when Mom finally exits the doctor's tender care. She has proven time and again that she has little to no appreciation for my help. The hour ride back to her apartment will be filled with her diatribe against all things medical, with a dash of meanness sent my way for just being nearby. When we arrive, I park and she exits my car, and my care, without thanks or an offer to pay for gasoline.

I won't hear from her again until she needs another ride. I often ask myself why I put up with the abuse and the answer is obvious. I don't want to think of myself as an asshole. I am in so deep now that I would have to express my inner asshole rather dramatically to get out of driving her. The only upside to that would be the possibility of making Mom cry, which would prove that she felt more emotions than just meanness.

Mom and I have a non-traditional relationship. She got pregnant with me in high school. I never knew who my father was. For years I was an afterthought to her. She lived her life as much as possible as if I didn't exist. She would leave me with my grandparents for days at a time while she did whatever it was that she did. I grew up being resented by my mother. A resentment that only grew when a drunk driver killed my grandparents when I was ten, and she was force into being a full-time mother.

Over time she gradually began to act like a real mom. It took her a while, but about the time I turned fifteen she started to show real affection. As far as I was concerned it was much too late for that. I resented her so very much in my teen years. I hated her and I loved her at the same time. She was, is, so beautiful to me. Yet she remained so distant for so long.

I had an epiphany when I turned eighteen. I realized that regardless of how she acted when I was younger, she was trying to be a mother now. I gave her a second chance and never regretted it, until six months ago when she seemed to revert to her old ways. Six months ago, when she found out about the cancer.

I sat in my car and watched as she walked toward her apartment. I decided 'fuck it' and got out of the car to follow her. She jumped a little when I walked up behind her and held her door open. I followed her inside and stood watching as she hung up her coat. I continued to follow her as she went to the kitchen and leaned on the counter with her back to me. I talked to her back, "Mom, I don't understand why you despise me. I know more than anybody how hard it has been for you and me, but I thought we were beyond all that. Now you have nothing but spite for me and I don't understand it."

She stood there silently for so long that I though she wasn't going to respond. Then her shoulders began to shake, and she began to sob. Soon she was crying so hard she could barely stand. I rushed over to her and grasped her shoulders. She resisted me at first, but then turned toward me. I pulled her close and held her as she cried, her tears wetting my shirt. I don't know how long we stood there like that. It seemed like forever, but I wasn't about to let her go. I guess I didn't have to let my inner asshole out to get her to cry after all.

After a while she was all cried out, but she still clung to me. I was a little ashamed that it felt good to hold her like that. We stood in silence as she gradually pulled herself together. She looked up at me, her blue eyes red from crying, "I'm so sorry Ben. I have been so scared. I decided that you would be better off if I chased you away before things got really bad. I thought for sure you would get fed up with me by now. I didn't want to hurt you, but I didn't want you to watch me fade away and die either."

A shock went through me and I immediately felt hurt. I was hurt that she would think that I would be better off not being at her side. I struggled for a few moments to find words as my eyes teared up. I managed to get hold of myself before I said something I would regret. Eventually I decided that being upset wasn't going to solve anything. The last thing I wanted now was to push her away. We had been there and done that. I needed to be strong for her.

I gently stroked her face, "Mom, I want to be there with you all the way. I love you and want to spend every minute I can with you. Chasing me away will only cause more pain for both of us."

Her lips quivered, "I realize that now and I'm sorry. I've just been so scared."

I lightly kissed her lips, "I will be with you in every way I can for as long as you need me."

She started puttering around the kitchen, but I could tell that she was very tired from the stresses of the day and wasn't up for cooking. I grabbed her hand, "Come with me. I'm taking you out to dinner."

I took her out to my favorite pub. A three-piece band was playing the blues, and I knew that she would enjoy it. The food is also very good, especially so because neither of us had to cook. We had a quiet dinner, and I enjoyed our conversation. I couldn't help but notice that she didn't have much appetite.

We sat so close together that our hips were touching. I fed mom a little bit of my food and she made "mmm" noises in appreciation. The owner walked over and asked me to introduce my girlfriend. Mom and I both laughed as I told him she was my mother. He was honestly confused, "How could a woman so young have a son as old as you? It isn't possible!"

I assured him that it was indeed possible. He wasn't satisfied with my answer. I could see him watching us from across the room as we finished our meal. On the way out we showed him our drivers licenses just to see the look on his face. I had an idea during dinner and as I drove mom home, I decided to bring it up, "Mom, how about I move in with you? It would save us both money and I could be with you full time."

She shook her head, "There is no way you are giving up your private life just to watch me fade away."

I had one hand on the wheel, and I grabbed her hand with the other, "Jenny and I broke up weeks ago and I hate being alone in my apartment. I don't have a private life, I have a lonely life, and I would really enjoy the company."

I could see that she was thinking about it. Suddenly she looked up, "Where will you sleep?"

When I was growing up, I would often watch my mom sleep and would invariably end up sleeping in her bed. The truth was that I was afraid she would leave again and in my young mind I thought that if I was with her, she wouldn't leave. It wasn't until I moved out on my own that I stopped. It wasn't unusual for us to share a bed and she knew it.

She lived in a one-bedroom apartment with a small sofa in the living area. We would have to sleep in the same bed If I stayed there. I didn't have a problem with that, "Look mom, we've slept together often over the years. As a matter of fact, it will be easier for me if I can be with you while you sleep. I won't be constantly getting up to check on you."

Her face flushed and she laughed, "I'm not that far along yet sweety. Sure, I get tired faster, and I don't have much appetite, but I still feel normal for the most part. But if it is important to you then I guess it will be okay."

I smiled and gave her a hug, "Okay, let me run over to my apartment and get a few things. I will be back in a little while. In the meantime, you rest."

It didn't take me long to drive over to my place and grab some stuff. I had my own key to mom's place and let myself in when I got back. The small apartment was dark except for the light coming from the bedroom. I walked back to the bedroom and found mom already under the covers. I stripped down to my boxer briefs, turned out the light, and climbed into bed. I rolled onto my side and spooned her.

I wasn't trying to do anything but hug her and I was a bit shocked when I discovered that she was wearing a silky nightgown and apparently nothing else. I wasn't sure what to think about that, so I just held her for a while. Maybe I had forgotten, or maybe I was just now realizing it, but she felt very womanly to me. I struggled with my feelings in that moment.

I had to remind myself that she was my mom and not a woman I was sleeping with. When she pulled my arm across her chest to hold me close, I couldn't help but feel her breasts against my arm. I was glad the dark room couldn't reveal my red face. My feelings were a mix of guilt, confusion, and arousal. I slid my hips back a bit so that she couldn't feel my growing erection.

I woke up in the morning light a bit confused, and with a raging erection. At first, I thought I was in bed with my former girlfriend. She was grinding her ass against my erection, and I was grinding right back. As I woke completely, I realized that I was grinding against my mother's ass and immediately tried to pull away. She grabbed my arm before I could move and held it tight, "Please don't go. I love the feel of you."

I froze in shock. I had never thought of my mother in this way. All those years I slept off and on in her bed we had never been as physically close as we were now. I didn't know what to think or what to do. All I could think to say was, "Mom?"

She turned her head toward me, "Please honey, I want to feel you close to me."

I was lost as to what to do. I must admit that she felt good. Her firm butt grinding against me was having a profound impact on my erection, and her breasts felt nice against my arms. My hands cupped her breasts without conscience thought on my part. What the hell was I doing? I just didn't know what to do or how to react. I did know that she felt wonderful.

I felt her move and the next thing I knew she was reaching behind her to rub my erection. I don't know if it was our proximity or her caresses, but whatever it was I don't believe I have ever been that hard. I am sure I let out a little groan when she stroked my aching cock, "Mom, what are we doing?"

She rolled over and faced me. Her hand went back to stroking my erection, "I want you to make love to me. Please don't deny me this. I need you to love me right now."

Her lips touched mine. I hesitated for a moment, then kissed her. At first our lips were just touching, but it didn't take long before her mouth opened and her tongue darted out to touch my lips. I don't know what came over me, but I kissed her back and our tongues met. I caressed her face as we kissed and I realized that I wanted this as much as she did. My hands began to wander over her body, touching her breasts, and caressing her skin.

Things escalated rapidly after that. I pulled her nightgown up and off before my mouth found her breasts. Her nipples were erect and hard as I nibbled and sucked them. Her hand caressed the back of my head, assuring me that she wanted me to continue. I kissed my way down her body until my mouth found her center. Her hands ran through my hair as I pleasured her. I reached up and squeezed her nipples between my fingers as I continued to lick and suck on her clit. Her body convulsed as the pleasure swept through her.

She pulled my head up and into a passionate kiss. My erection brushed against her entrance and her hand grasped it, moving it into place. I slowly sank into her. The feeling was beyond amazing. I made love to my mother tenderly until my arousal required faster and deeper thrusts. Her hips rose to meet me and soon our bodies were slapping together. I felt her orgasming below me and I let myself go, shooting my seed deep into her.

I stayed buried within her in the aftermath and kissed her deeply. We stayed that way until my spent erection gradually shrunk and slipped from her. I got up and helped her to her feet. I watched as she cupped one hand under her crotch and walked to the bathroom. I stood there for the longest time deep in thought trying to process what had just occurred.

I heard the shower start and was at a loss as to whether I should join her or not. She resolved my conundrum when she came back in the bedroom and took my hand. She led me into the bathroom, and we got into the shower together. It was the first time I got to study my mother's fully nude body. I found her to be profoundly beautiful.

I took great joy in washing her body, exploring as I went. Not to surprisingly, I became erect again and we made love in the shower. At first it was awkward figuring out the positioning, but once we did it was again amazing. I toweled her body dry between passionate kisses when we were done.

We dressed and went to the kitchen. She started the coffee pot then sat down on my lap, "Now you know the other reason I tried to chase you away. Since you forgave me when you were eighteen, I have looked at you differently. I began looking at you as an attractive man that I love. I fought my feelings for you, knowing that they were inappropriate. Then I found out about the cancer, and I knew I was running out of time. I thought if I kept you away you wouldn't see me die and I wouldn't succumb to my feelings for you. I hope you can forgive me."

I gave her a squeeze, "There is nothing to forgive. What you did, you did out of love for me. I love you Mom and I will be here for you. There is also the other thing."

She looked at me puzzled, "What's that?"

I grinned, "You're really beautiful!"

We made love often as the days, then the weeks, went by. We connected in a way that we never had before. We spent hours talking and just being together. Our love making made us both giddy. I fell deeply in love with my mother and she with me. It was a time of infinite happiness even as her illness hung over us.

After a while she began to lose strength and was in a lot of pain. Our love making dwindled and finally stopped. She was too sick for that kind of physical activity. I held her often and we talked about her life and the regrets she had about raising me. I forgave her again for all of it.

One night while I held her in my arms and kissed her face, she smiled up at me and whispered that she loved me. Her eyes closed and she faded away. I cried over her body for hours before calling the ambulance. She wasn't a great mom as I grew up, but she was at the end. She was also the so much more, she was the greatest love of my life and I will treasure her always.