His screams kept replaying in my head and every passing night I got worse. I was so utterly sick my head wouldn't stop spinning, my feet never felt like they're touching the ground and my eyes didn't see anything in a 20/20 vision. I saw everything the way it happened. A black Cadillac of some odd year drove by every other day Jeremy and I played basketball at the local YMCA. I thought nothing of it until recently. The sound of gunpowder exploding out of its barrel will make any man shudder. I remember thinking, "Today is my dying day." I realize the man is pointing his gun straight to the core of my heart. I closed my eyes, I felt nothing. My heart stops when I recognize the shrieking voice. It's my son's. He took the bullet. He wasn't supposed to! I kneel there huddling over his limp body, his eyes staring into outer space. He looked so dead. My heart only lightened a little bit when I heard sirens. They were coming for him. Now it was a fight between God and the paramedics. Life or death. Two paramedics removed me from Jeremy. I broke down to the point where I could not walk nor breathe. I fell to my knees and rolled to the ground. I cried on the dirty pavement. I was left alone for hours there. I don't remember anything else. My mind was in a traumatic state.
Days later, I stood by Jeremy's bed and a doctor was telling me that his brain activity had increased four percent. I registered it but I didn't react to the news in any way. I stared at his pale face with my blue eyes that were shaded by a thick glaze of emptiness. I jumped when I felt a hand rest on my shoulder. It's Aubrey, my twenty year old daughter. I tried to face her but I could only look away. She pulled me in for a hug and rested her hand on my chest.
"Daddy, I can't feel your heart beating." She whispered.
It took me a while to register what she said, then some more to think of what to say, and I took a deep breath as if I'm gasping for air and managed to say, "Its dead."
She wrapped her long arms around my neck and stood there holding me close to her while looking at Jeremy. I didn't know what came over me, but I started choking. I felt like I wasn't getting air. I held onto Aubrey tighter, thinking that in some magical way, she'd give me air.
"Just let it out daddy." She stroked my hair.
With that, I buried my face into her coconut scented hair and bawled. I sobbed all over her shirt and when I was okay again, I apologized for making a wet spot on her shirt. She smiled the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen and told me it was nothing. I stared into her green eyes and tried to search them. I found nothing but her love for her old man. Well, I'm not that old. I'm just at thirty-nine, almost to the big four-O. She slid her arm down to touch my back. She faced towards the door and gestured for me to walk with her.
"Daddy, you need air. This is how you're going to get it."
"Baby, I can't leave him."
"Daddy, you haven't slept in days. You look like shit on cookie dough." She smiled again. I loved her smile. It was breathtaking and it eased my heart. Her smile stopped the pain and stopped the tears from coming again and again. I smiled back.
"Okay, just for tonight. I'll stay home."
She smiled bigger that time and I realized I needed them. They were my only comfort besides her words. We walked away from his room, away from the hospital and found the car in parking lot 2. I put myself in the passenger seat and told her she had to drive.
"I'm not up for it baby." I look away. She puts her hand on my shoulder and brushes it. I turn to her and see her staring at me. She leans in and I quietly gasp. "Is she..." Part of me was disappointed because the needy man inside of me wanted her to care for me in a different way. Then the other part was relieved because that would've been such an awkward moment. All she did was whisper, "Everything's gonna be okay daddy." I looked back out the window and quietly said, "Take me home." The car ride was silent the entire way except for the soft sound of Counting Crows CD playing in her CD-Deck.
I was home. I walked directly towards the fridge and looked for any type of beer. Anything would've worked. I needed to get as wasted as possible. I wanted to feel fucking numb. The fridge door slammed shut and it shocked me. I looked up to see Aubrey's face and she looked upset.
"Daddy, beer is not the answer. I won't have that in my presence."
My mind wanted to yell at her for telling me how to run my life. I was upset that she wouldn't let me feel better. I raised my voice to her, "What do you want me to do Aubrey?!"
"Tell me how you feel daddy. Go sit down on that couch." She says while pointing to it. "You and I are going to talk about this daddy."
I looked away again for fear of her seeing my tears starting to form. I didn't want to talk about anything. I ignored her request and walked away towards the hall. I heard her catching up to me. She surprised me by pinning me to the wall.
"Daddy, you know you can't do that. Don't walk away from something that is only going to hit you harder later. Talk to me dad. I'm here for you. I'm all you have and you're all I have so you and I need to go through this together. ComprendΓ©?"
I couldn't help but smile. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. We stood there holding each other for a few minutes. She stroked the back of my neck which gave me a sweet sense of comfort. It's only seconds later that I realized my cock was twitching. I just hoped she didn't feel the erection that was slowly forming. I touched the small of her back and caressed it with ease. Then I put my hands on her hips and pulled myself away from her enough so I can see her eyes and her smile. I wanted to kiss her so deeply and so badly. I wanted her to feel my love for her. I wanted to thank her by making sweet love to her. I kept looking at her lips and noticed how beautiful they were. I needed to pull away from this otherwise I'd make some terrible mistake. I forced myself to break lose and then I shook off all the dirty thoughts.
"I'm going to hop into the shower. You said I looked like shit." I smiled at her and walked away quickly. I blushed wondering if she caught a glimpse of my huge erection. I quickly undressed and fixed the temperature of the water to a degree I enjoyed. I leaned on the shower wall and closed my eyes. Without thinking, I touched my cock and let my mind go to the forbidden place. I thought of her body lying under me, her naked breasts heaving every time she breathed and her pussy teasing my cock. I stroked harder and faster but I knew I couldn't make myself cum. I needed the release so much but emotions blocked that from happening. I slumped to the shower floor and put my head in my hands. I broke down again and cried. I must've sobbed loudly because the door opened and Aubrey came in. She stepped in with all her clothes on and picked me up. It didn't seem to faze her that she just saw her dad completely naked. She wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on my chest. She pressed my body against the shower wall with her body weight. I could only return the hug and finish letting the tears run dry. I pushed away from her hug and looked at her body. Her nipples were poking through her soaking wet bra and white shirt. I couldn't help but feel myself stir.