At Long Last Love

Where do I start...

So, my wife Nicole and I have been together for 22 years. It's sort of a miracle, really, considering the way relationships come and go anymore. Of our friends, family, even acquaintances, we are the ones who have made it work. We are also not monogamous and never have been, which is something that seems to confuse a lot of people who equate exclusivity with love. It's just us, how we are both individually and together. She is an amazing woman, and I love her and our family with all my heart, though we have definitely had our share of tough times. But this story isn't about her.

Shortly after my wife and I started dating, she introduced me to her sister Kelly, the homecoming queen. Kelly was working as a cashier at Wal-Mart the first time I met her, and I don't remember really being all that aware of her at the time. I was with my future wife, and other than the level of interest you usually show when meeting the family members of your significant other I didn't pay much attention.

I was young and ambitious. My career advanced rapidly at the expense of my relationship with Nicole, and I soon had an opportunity to become the youngest executive ever at our company. In the process I became aware of a decent entry level job at an affiliated place, and told Kelly about it. She got the job, and over the years her career has blossomed. It isn't really a surprise, once you get to know her at all. She is smart, driven, and has a level of determination only matched by her sister.

Speaking of whom, my wife and I struggled early in our relationship largely due to simple immaturity. We had gone so far as to nearly break up, when we discovered she was pregnant. The cliché of "they aren't ready to be parents" has never applied so perfectly as it did to us. We would eventually work things out, but that first summer while she was going through the pregnancy was pure hell, and I started bike riding daily to work out the stress. Kelly lived in the same apartment complex at the time, and soon the two of us started riding together. We talked as we rode and I discovered she was a great listener, something I hadn't really suspected up to then. The stress and the hurt from fighting with Nicole was gone for the duration of those rides, and with my head clear I began to notice Kelly for herself, rather than just "my girlfriend's sister".

Some things I became aware of that summer.

Kelly has an easy laugh that comes freely and openly when she is amused. It's one of those laughs that makes you feel good just by hearing it and want to hear it again and again. She is beautiful in a way that isn't delicate, but instead makes you admire the strength of character behind her eyes. That's not to say she isn't very feminine and attractive, which she certainly is, just that the first thing you notice about her is not her physical beauty but the woman behind it. The obvious chemistry she creates physically is the spectacular follow up. She has a way of making you desire her, but in a way that makes you want to go deeper than just sensations. She is loyal to a fault, fierce when angry, listens so that she can understand rather than reply, and deeply compassionate.

If it isn't obvious by now, I'm in love with my sister in law and have been for 20 years.

I knew it clear back then, towards the end of the summer we were riding together. It was complicated though. Not only was I dating her sister, not only was her sister carrying my child, during that summer Kelly had begun seeing my roommate. On top of that there was still the fact that although Nicole and I were comfortable and happy with non-monogamy and knew that loving others did not lessen our feelings for one another, the world around us certainly was not. Still, though I was fairly certain that in Kelly's mind I was "her sister's boyfriend" rather than someone she was interested in, I took a chance one day and asked her out. She accepted, but in a platonic way. Kelly was concerned that her sister would be hurt, and her eye was on my roommate. So there was never really a chance at that time, especially since her loyalty to her sister is one of the things about her I admire most about her. But I had to try, she was worth it.

Fast forward through the years. Nicole and I have 4 children, Kelly married my old roommate and they had a child of their own. We moved as far from one another as possible, Kelly in DC and us in Honolulu. Life has a funny way of letting you know what is good, and what is not, and my wife and I have had our share of both. While we were never monogamous, over the years we have learned to stop feeling like our marriage was "broken" because of it. I have grown more comfortable with the fact that I love my wife, but that love doesn't come with the Disney version of "everyone else ceases to exist". Frankly, I doubt that it happens for anyone but it certainly doesn't happen for us. Jealousy can happen sometimes still, but so can joy when you see your partner flushed with new love.

Which brings me back to Kelly. There has never been a time since that first summer where I didn't see her and desire her. At family gatherings I was always aware of her, her laugh and her moods, especially when her husband (my former roommate) was not. I don't know how he was lucky enough to catch her eye, for a time they seemed very happy. Eventually, though, they split and Kelly moved back to home about the same time we did.

So here we are today. My wife and I still have our struggles, but she knows how I feel about her sister and is ok with it. More than ok really, she knows that no matter what would happen between Kelly and I that I love her, and that Kelly loves her, and that a relationship between her sister and I would never be at her expense. With my wife's encouragement, I told Kelly how I feel, but she is still concerned that any relationship between us would damage her relationship with my wife. I can't say that's an unreasonable concern, most people would be uncomfortable with the idea. Nicole and I both know that it wouldn't threaten our marriage but how do you explain that to someone who has never experienced a relationship like ours?

Nicole and I are happy with our life and both of us believe Kelly and I would be great together. We have a lot in common, and a shared history that you just can't find elsewhere. I don't know that Kelly is even interested, maybe she has just been kind when I mentioned it and explained her disinterest with concern for her sister. But sometimes I think I see a moment where she opens up to me, a look or a touch or a comment that gives me hope. I see in her eyes at that moment the possibility that she can also can envision us together if only for a night. A chance for the two of us to just be ourselves with one another. Not "her sister", or "her husband", or some other extension of other people, but wholly ourselves. A chance at happiness in a world where that is a rare thing to come by.

Life is good, it is. But she is the one for me, and always will be. I just hope that one day she is willing to take the chance.

In the meanwhile I dream about spending a weekend with her, travelling someplace away from here. Spend the day checking out a local vineyard, take in a show, have dinner. Go back to the room with the wine we bought and some cheese, watch a terrible show on Netflix while we share them. Sleep late, and as we are drifting away find ourselves looking at one another. I reach across to her and we are together, getting closer in fact and in mind, for one night willing to forget the judgement of the world. Here is my dream of that night.

-

I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling, aware of her across the bed from me. In the dark and quiet it's easy to second guess every gesture and conversation, my mind replays them for me endlessly trying to find meaning in every detail. We are not close to one another, certainly not touching one another, that is a line I am unsure we will ever cross. It's a bit uncomfortable having just the one bed in the room and sharing it, though nothing has happened that could really be considered inappropriate. Except for the fact that we are here at all of course, that could definitely be judged. I think neither of us really knows what to do now that we find ourselves here. We have been 20 years coming to this point, and while nothing yet taken place that the world would quite condemn, even so we can feel the weight of it.

I turn from my back onto my side, facing her, and look at her in the dark. She is on her side as well but her back is to me. I ask myself, is this a message or just a coincidence? Her dark hair still shines in the silver light, the sheet is pulled high as if to shield her from me. I can only just see her neck, see the movement of her breath. Is she asleep even now, or is she also laying awake in the dark? Is she also aware of how close and how far we are from one another, her mind replaying the day? I want to reach out to her, but can I? Should I? If I do will it finally bridge the space between us or will it be the moment that the strangeness of us being here proves to be too much and the spell is broken? The day we spent together, the tour of the winery, the laughter, the comfortable but exciting anticipation of the weekend, the occasional brush of the hand, I don't want it to end. Even if those moments are all the weekend has in store, her company, my time with her, it's too precious to risk. I won't do it.

And yet...

20 years now, 20 years looking at her from a distance and knowing how incredible she is. 20 years of her laughter making my heart sing, of seeing the strength in her, the loyalty, and the determination. 20 years knowing she is the one, and only restraining myself because if I had tried to reach out before now it would have been to ask her to betray who she is. To ask her to stop being the woman I have admired for so long. But here, tonight, with my wife's blessing and encouragement we know that we can act without betrayal. We know that whatever complications our touch may bring it won't mean that we have turned our backs on those who love us. We know that at least for this one weekend we can finally simply be together as we are, rather than as extensions of those around us. Is this the night that we can finally truly touch?

I'm not sure if I am more afraid of rejection or acceptance. So I wait, I look at her and feel that deep desire for her that I have known for so long. I won't take a chance, I know this, the habit of years and decades of restraint will keep my silence and stay my hand. I won't risk losing the connection I do have, risk losing the smaller pleasures of her company.

She turns to me. Quietly, softly, careful not to muss the bedding or shake the bed in case I were asleep. Her face is framed in the still light, I can see her eyes open and I am drawn to them. We look into one another, still so much distance between us, the taboo of even this enough to shake me. Her face draws me in, aware of her every movement, of the soft fragrance of her shampoo, the rhythm of her breathing. A small strand of her soft dark hair falls across her cheek. I am not aware that I have moved, not until I realize that my fingers are brushing her hair aside. My fingertips tingle at the ever so soft contact they make with her skin as I do so.

She doesn't stir, her eyes continue to look into mine. My fingers now finished with their task I find that I linger. Slowly, softly, I draw my fingertips across her cheek, her ear, lightly brushing the hair from her neck. Ever so lightly, so slowly, I trace the contours of her shoulder, her collar, her lips. I push the sheet down so that I can touch her upper arms, the inside of her elbow, the soft skin at the hollow of her neck, memorizing every detail. More boldly now I lay my hand across her cheek, caressing her, and I see vulnerability there where I have only ever before seen strength and beauty.

She moves at last, her hand rising to take mine away. I was too bold, it was too much. She cannot set aside her love and loyalty for her sister, my wife, to be with me. Even though we only find ourselves here at her request, with her blessing, it is too much. My heart drops inside me, already I find my mind hoping against hope that no damage has been done.

But she does not set my hand aside. She brings it instead to her lips, and kisses my fingers. Her eyes looking into mine do not have rejection in them. Far from it, in them I can see all those times I heard her at family gatherings when her husband did not, the times I felt when she was down and reminded her of how incredible she is. I can see that she has known my feelings for her all along, and was not unhappy with that knowledge.

She lays my hand on her chest. I can feel her heart and the heat of her body and I linger there feeling it rise and fall. Eventually I move my hand downwards, sliding the sheets aside, then down to her waist. I move towards her. The distance between us shrinks emotionally even as it does physically, until I am close enough to feel her breath on mine. I once again bring my hand to her cheek, caress her face, softly run my fingers through her hair. I bring my hand along her arm, to her side, and gently hold her waist as I look into her and wonder if this is the moment, the time.

It is.

I lean towards her, holding her and looking into her as our lips approach one another. The first kiss is small, short, the slightest touch of the lips before parting. It is as if we needed to greet one another, to know for certain that we are no longer separate before we could find the courage to continue. It is beautiful, powerful, more than I could have imagined. I need to know her now, to be with her, to be a part of her. I lean in again, this time not to discover her but to tell her how those years of longing have made the moment sweeter. We kiss, softly at first but with growing urgency, our lips teasing, slightly parted, light pressure as they explore one another. Our tongues slip past easily, tips brushing one another, not insistent but eager.

Her body is now close to mine, her hand on my hips as mine is on hers and we draw one another in. We touch, the skin of our bodies electric as we press lightly against one another. I feel the heat of her, the desire that mirrors my own. More boldly now, my arm around her back drawing her against me as I rise on my elbow to look down into her eyes. Her arms now free to encircle me, surround me, she brings me closer still. I feel myself hard now against her leg, her thigh, as we kiss and find one another at last in a lovers embrace. Her leg rises now, across mine, as our bodies entwine with the desire to touch one another with our whole selves.

We remain like this for how long? A minute, a day? It is lost in the decades we have been so close but never together. We kiss and touch, at last giving voice to feelings long suspected. Hands find one another, fingers and mouths bring pleasure to each other. We are here now, in the moment, no hurry and no hesitation, alive at last.

Suddenly, I find myself on the precipice. She lays beneath me perfect and powerful and beautiful. Her legs hold me as her arms do, around me, encircling me, drawing me in with a pull so much greater than physical strength. I am eager, hard against her. I can feel her heat, her wetness, the soft power of her. This is the moment, the joy that all the admonitions of the world and the doubts we have carried all our lives have forbidden us. The voices of those who would deny us each other, even those in our own minds, are silenced. In that instant we look at one another again, and know that the beauty of us together is more than the doubt and the fear. Life for all its heartache and struggle has also brought us this splendor, this chance at happiness, and we accept the gift it has given us.

I push into her, feeling her around me and me inside her. Nothing has prepared me for this. Nothing has come before that can be compared. She is soft as I am hard, she receives as I give, she is inside my mind as I am now inside her body. We move slowly at first, the sensations overwhelming with the emotions of the act, learning one another more deeply and more completely with every stroke. We find our harmony, our rhythm, as we move together with me inside her, her arms around me and mine around her. We understand now that are truly one, and the world changes around us.

Our rhythm quickens with our breath. The sensations become more insistent, more controlling, our bodies now taking control away from us. My movements are now less precise and more powerful, her movements complimenting and expanding that power. Vaguely we hear each other as our voices join our bodies, the small gasps and words in harmony with our motions. We move ever quicker, stronger, fierce with anticipation, desire, and need.

Then we find our place at last, as our bodies wrest the last control from us and give us something greater in return. We clutch one another with bruising strength as our muscles contract, and I release myself into her. She grasps and draws me deep inside of her as she too shares herself with me freely. I fill her, 20 years of forbidden desire spilling into her at once as she takes me in. It lasts for only a few moments, but those moments are timeless in their intensity.

As the moment passes and our bodies again allow us mastery, I hold her precious body and look into her eyes. I see in them only beauty, only the woman I love and have loved, only the joy of knowing that the great leap we have finally taken together was worthwhile. Even if we never have another time like this one, even if the slings and arrows of the world prevent it, this one night is enough.

But it won't be. It won't be the end. We are together again, for the first time, and having found one another we will never go back.