Hi all,
This is my first story, so I appreciate feedback. Before you start however be aware that this story has a slower setup, if this isn't your thing, look elsewhere.
*****
My head hit the pillow like a ton of bricks...
It was another night in a long line of nights, ending the same way. Drinking makes it easier to keep my mind from probing those dark corners, those thoughts that are better left undisturbed. But inevitably, the next time I think about her, the next time I am reminded of her, a torrential wave of desire hits me and I am left defenseless in the onslaught of emotion.
It would be easier if I could make my feelings clear. If I could only tell her how I feel, whether rejected or not, I could at the very least Do Something!
Matters aren't so simple though, since she is Arianna, my sister. What she would think of me if she only knew...
*****
I have never felt this way about anyone before. Her simple logic, her iron will, and her unyielding attitude never cease to delight me. Nobody brings a smile to my face, or a laugh to my heart like her. She is my safe place, she is home.
Anna is gay. When she told me in junior high, she said she had always known, but she forced me into secrecy anyway. We both knew that if mom found out she would flip, so covering for her has been easy. I have always envied her self-awareness. She knows what she wants and she doesn't let anything get in her way.
Before I honestly confronted my feelings, there had been a few steady guys, some one night stands, and a couple of trysts with the occasional girl, but nothing that lasted. At the time though, it was easy to deny that the feelings I had for her weren't just sisterly love. It was just out of the question. When those thoughts came into my head, they were dismissed offhand. My relationships never felt right, but I chalked that up to immature boys in high school.
When I went to college though, things became more difficult. Without her, there was a void, and the thoughts weren't so easy to push away. I did the normal things, experimenting with drugs, alcohol, sex, but it all seemed empty. Eventually I realized that I was trying to fill the hollow place left when I wasn't with her, I was trying to feel something.
After two semesters, I had a good group of friends, the best of whom was Sophie, my freshman roommate. Especially when I was around her, I could lose myself in the act. Pretending I was the average college girl, walking the razor edge of partying and studying, taking life as it comes. But once I was back in my room, alone, it would sink in. I would never feel the way they did. I could never be content working toward a job, making connections, and finding my way in life like they did. I had discovered the only thing I really wanted from life. But I couldn't ever be with the one person who completed me... And it was killing me.
Things were looking up though, or down depending on my mood. Anna was following my lead, and had declared that she was going to EWU for the upcoming fall semester. It had always been so easy to be around her. I didn't have to act a certain way, or censor myself. I could be myself. Now though, I wasn't so sure. I didn't know how I could act normally when every fiber of my being wanted to kiss her, to show her physically how much I wanted to be with her. That was why I had made excuses for the last year, telling my mother that I needed to study for Thanksgiving break, and when winter break came around, inventing a boyfriend, Marcus, that I was going to stay in town with. Lying to my mother was hard, but I knew keeping up a front while I faced my sister would be even harder.
I kept in touch with Anna every day when I first left, but as I became more aware of my feelings, a gap grew. It was harder for me to be open with her, when I knew I could never express the feelings I really wanted to. So our correspondences became less frequent, but I still tried to make sure she knew I hadn't stopped thinking about her. For her birthday I sent her a hot red bandage dress with matching stiletto heels, along with the message,
Maybe this will help you with the Boys!
I knew that would annoy her and that she would proclaim to hate it, but I also knew she would look stunning in it.
As the start of the semester grew closer I became more and more anxious. Part of me was excited for the imminent arrival of my favorite person, but mostly I was ashamed. How could I let these feelings I knew were wrong interfere with our relationship? I hated myself for the distance I had put between us. I wanted so much for things to be back the way they were, simple, before I got in my head and fucked things up. From our brief interactions I could tell that things were wrong between us. I didn't even hear that Anna was coming to EWU until I talked to my mom, and when I asked her, I couldn't even get a solid date when she was coming. We used to share everything, but I guess I couldn't expect Anna to keep me apprised when I could barely bring myself to interact with her.
Which is why I drank. To forget these feelings...
Going out to the bars with my friends made me the emptiness easier to bear; I won't say it was good. I was just able to be in the moment, not to think about the future or anything of substance. Being numb didn't really help me, it just delayed the inevitable.
So when Sophie invited me out to the Eagle's Pub for drinks I was immediately in. I did my normal act, bought a few drinks with the group until the couples started pairing off. I did my part and smiled at the occasional boy who came over looking interested to get a few free drinks. After a while though, excuses were made, and I ended up alone again. As the night grew long, Sophie eventually broke off to reprimand me for not picking up a suitable guy again...
"What was wrong with that last guy?" She inquired.
"I know, he was hot, but he kept talking about his ex," I lied.
"Oh, come on... A night with you would have him forgetting all about some slag."
I laughed. Sophie was such a charmer. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but if I don't feel like having to compete with girls I don't even know..."
"Well fine, but with that attitude you're never going to get laid Lana." She contemplated for a minute, sipping on her drink, "Though from the way John has been looking at you I don't think he would object if you joined us tonight," she said with a wink.
I knew I was considered attractive by most. I was leggy, with what I thought was a nice, round ass. I didn't have much going on in the chest area, but my perky B cup breasts accented my body in my opinion. I had always thought my face to be kind of boyish, but I could light up the room when I smiled. While I knew it wasn't everyone's cup of tea, I considered my bright red, shoulder length hair to be one of my best features. In light of this, I wasn't sure if she was just saying this to placate me, so I admittedly thought about it before I uttered a throaty laugh. "Thanks darling, but I couldn't compete with you for his attention. Besides, I'm pretty wasted; I think I need my beauty rest before I make any decisions of that sort."
She eyed me for a few moments, slyly before acquiescing, "Alright honey, but don't think this is the last you hear from me."
"Better not be," I added as she sauntered back to John. With that I decided to grab one last shot of Jose before I made my way back to my apartment off campus.
*****
The morning came all too soon.
