Alana Regrets

I want what I have. I guess I'm fortunate because very few of the people I know can say that. Having what I want however comes at a price; and I've paid. I can only hope I'm paid up in full.

What I want and what I have is Sean, my son. We live together and we love together. Getting here was not an easy trip. I lost my job and my name will be Alana Brande once again when the divorce is final. I've been ostracized from the community I've lived in for almost twenty years but it could be worse. I could not have Sean.

It probably started when I was pregnant with Sean and married Cal. Cal wasn't Sean's father and he knew it but he needed someone to take care of his two year old son and his house. I was fifteen and pregnant and my parents arranged for me to be that someone. They convinced me that since he had some money, at least my baby would be taken care of. I saw no choice.

Right from the start it was 'your son' and 'my son' for Cal. I tried to make a family but for Cal there was a line that grew into a wall. Before long it was 'us' against 'them'. That's why Sean and I were always close. We fought together not to be taken advantage of and bullied. We relied on each other. We loved each other.

Our first beautiful disaster happened at the Riverview Motel (No river ,no view) We went there together three times a week to use the small weight room and pool. I had watched Sean grow into a handsome athletic youth and I guess some part of me wanted to keep up with him so he showed me how to exercise and we swam together. In the winter we were always alone in the pool.

I had always found Sean's body attractive and didn't see past it until I noticed myself noticing the bulge in his bathing briefs more and more. I got that little line of electricity in my belly and I remember saying to myself, "Oh no Alana, what the hell are you thinking?"

The more I tried to stop thinking about it the more I did: all day – every day. It was like trying not to think of a pink elephant. I'd be looking off into space and someone would say "are you ok?" I'd say "Yes" but I'd think "No I'm not ok because I'm never going to have Sean." But I swear I never would have been the first one to say or do anything in a million years. I didn't have to be.

On this particular January night, the water was unusually cold and it was a fight to get in. Sean finished his laps a few minutes before I did and when I got out of the pool he was waiting with a towel. He wrapped me in it and dried me lingering on my breasts and butt. "Oh shit" I thought.

We went to the separate men's and ladies' shower/rest rooms and the warm water was starting to feel good when Sean appeared: beautifully naked and hard. All I said was, "Oh my God."

In a minute I was up against the cool tiles and he was kissing me. He said "Mom I need you" and I was gone. He lifted my leg to his shoulder to get easy access into me and pushed himself in as far he could go. My dead marriage hadn't prepared me for what I felt. I couldn't think; all I could do was feel. I felt his wonderful hands caress my breasts as my nipples swelled. I felt the wetness in my channel as my son reached into my belly with his hardness. Aside from his physicality, Sean was now in a place where no man had ever been. I was filled with him in every way. Our moans and loving noises were beginning to bounce off the echoing walls. I was so excited; I was so in love, I was so stupid.

Just as I began to tremble and vibrate somewhere in the recesses of my mind I thought I heard a sound that shouldn't of been there. I crested and opened my eyes and I was looking at - Marion Lake. It turns out the civic club meeting had ended and the other rest rooms were full, so she decided to come to the pool. She stared open-mouthed, turned and left. I figured; ok there's going to be embarrassment, gossip, stares, and then in a few weeks we're done. Wrong.

We went home convincing each other that everything was all right and the only important thing is that we love each other. I couldn't sleep and in the middle of the night I went across the living room to the side of the house Sean slept in. I ached for him and needed to be near him.

I spent the night in my son's gentle arms and mouth, and he in mine. As he took me between his lips I knew I would want this forever. I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do for this kind of love. It took all the will I could summon not to scream as I shook in violent orgasm. I imagined my fluids pouring as Sean's tongue caressed my center. I couldn't wait to taste my son. I was almost manic in my urgency to please him. He held a pillow over his mouth as he gave me himself. I tasted his love as his muffled groans went into the pillow and into me. My love held me and stroked me through the night.

At dawn I returned to my room flushed with love but full of foreboding; it turned out not to be baseless worry. That evening I received a call from the holy Miss Lake. She had called to tell me that after considering the matter it was clear to her that she "…had a duty to God to bring this matter to light". She was going to give testimony about me at the next church meeting and make sure the school board knew of my sinful behavior. I wondered what century I was living in. I found out that this century wasn't as different from the last as I had thought.

I was a clerical assistant in the school system. I pushed papers in an office and had virtually no contact with school kids but that didn't matter once the ball got rolling. Before the furor calmed down it was suggested I leave or…I thought of fighting them, even saying she lied, but in my craziness I thought "I won't deny Sean."

When Cal was 'informed' and confronted me, again I wouldn't deny it and he told me to get out. That part was more a relief than anything.

Two months ago I left that town and Sean came with me. We found a small place to live and small jobs. On the first dismal night in the run down apartment Sean asked, "Alana, do you regret what we did?"

I told him fiercely, "Alana regrets nothing… because she has you." He kissed me and he loved me with a passion that surpassed mine. He was on me and over me and in me and told me that this was where he wanted to be. I was where I wanted to be.

We fixed up the apartment as best we could with what was left from our paychecks and I was actually the happiest I had been in years. I felt like a newlywed should feel. I couldn't wait to come home every night because I had Sean to come home to. We did everything together in all our free hours. His loving lit me up.

He took me in every way either of us could think of. His stamina was astounding. I don't think of myself as beautiful or sexy but Sean made me feel that way because he wanted me all the time. I didn't get much sleep in those first few weeks but I didn't seem to need it. The excitement of our nightly lovemaking carried me through the day. Late at night he would put himself in me and stay for what seemed forever: with soft loving words, moving slowly he touched me gently and I rose to the ceiling until I exploded. I loved loving him and pleasuring him with all of me.

During the day when we're together, my son makes love to me with his eyes and words and touch. . If we play cards he reaches across to fondle my breasts. When I cook or do the dishes I feel his hardness behind me. When we're in the street and his hands started to grope, he gets a playful poke in the ribs – I won't be stupid again.

So here I am at thirty five starting from scratch without money or friends and I can't imagine asking for more than I have. I love without regret and I'm loved without regret. I want what I have.