We threw a pool party/ barbeque in late August. Invited were our two grown kids and their spouses, daughter Carla & husband Jerry, son Matt & wife Cindy, neighbor couples from each side of us, Phil & Sherry, Jake & Michelle, and our best friends, Joe & his longtime significant other, Sara. I'm Paul and my lovely 52 year old wife is Eloise.
The drinks were flowing freely throughout the afternoon, everyone partaking in their own individual poison and generally having a good time. Music played, the guys had naturally gathered around the grill, talking guy stuff and the women sunned themselves and chatted. Daughter Carla and her hubby Jerry swam in the pool along with next door neighbors Jake and Michelle. This group, with my son Matt and his wife Cindy, was basically all in their early thirties. Phill & Sherry, Joe & Sara and my wife and I made up the 'over the hill gang', ranging from early to late fifties.
The grill coals were ready and I went to ask the ladies how they wanted their steaks cooked. As I approached the four sunbathing women, wife Eloise, daughter-in-law Cindy, neighbor Sherry and our best friend Sara. Overhearing a bit of girl talk, I stopped a few feet behind the sunglass and floppy beach hat wearing females and stole a clandestine listen.
Nodding toward the couples in the pool, fifty-two year old Sherry said, "Jesus! Thank God for speedos, check out the butts on those two." They all tittered in agreement, when Sara piped in with, "Butts be damned! Did ya get a gander of the friggin' package on Jerry? I gotta think little Carla's one very happy girl!" "SARA! That's my son-in-law yer talking about, girl!" Eloise hissed in mock horror. "Yep! And that's a serious wad I'm talking about too, GIRL!" They all burst out in laughter. Normally quiet and reserved Sherry, my wife's morning coffee buddy, a bit shaken by Sara's counter remark, sighed audibly and added, "Alas, dear ladies, we'll never know. It's not likely that he's going to run up here and show us his junk, so just enjoy the sights and let your imagination do the rest." "Good point, Sherry, for all we know, maybe he's got a sock rolled up in there." Sara chuckled.
Cindy, my son's wife had been sitting there silently and giggling along with her elders. She'd been a little leary of joining the banter, in that the other women were all at least twenty years older than she and she didn't quite feel in sync. Finally she decided then to put in her two cents and her own giggle, "That's not a sock, his thing's like real, for sure."
Hmmmm, real girl talk, hmmm. I took a few more steps back in hopes that I wouldn't be seen. Fortunately they were engrossed in the subject and Cindy's explanation, not at all interested in who might be behind them, yet I could still hear.
The other three all sat up straight and turned toward her inquisitively. Sara taunted her with, "And you know this... HOW?" Cindy began to blush, now that she was the center of attention.
Not wanting to get caught eavesdropping, I looked over my shoulder and said loudly, "I AM GUYS! OKAY! I'm asking 'em now, fer chrisakes!" The hens all snapped around in my directionlooking guilty, as though they'd been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. "Excuse me, m'ladies, but how would you like your meat?" Sara, always primed and ready to mess with me, belted out, "I like MY meat long, thick and hard!" The others all giggled as I was momentarily set back by our slightly innebriated friend's reply. "The steaks witch! The steaks! HOW DO YOU WANT YER STEAKS COOKED?!?" I barked. They all laughed loudly, attesting to the fact that the booze had loosened up some inhibitons. I got everyone's orders and called out to the four frolicking in the pool for their preferences as well. Eloise nodded with a smile and said, "That'll be all, James." "Thank you m'lady. I'll summon you when dinner is prepared." I bowed low and backed away like a good servant. Everyone chuckled and returned to their chat.
I backed up a bit further than I had been when their conversation began and saw that I was no longer in their sphere of attention.
My wife said, "Go ahead girl. As the old saying goes, 'in for a penny, in for a pound'." Cindy didn't know the expression and looked at the rest with a big question mark on her face. Laughing out loud, Sara said, "In other words, kiddo, you've opened the can, go ahead and dump out ALL of the worms. SPEAK to us woman! TELL us things!" Turning an even brighter shade of crimson. She figured she'd already said too much but was now stuck. "Well, ummmmm, you remember last summer, Mom, when you guys went on vacation and Carla was watching the house?" She hesitated. Eloise nodded and urged her to continue. "Well, ummmmmm, we, ummmmm, some of Carla's friends and a couple of our friends, sorta kinda had a party, ummmm like THIS one, while you were gone. YOU said we could use the pool, right?" My wife said, "Yeah honey? No problem, AND?" The females were all ears now. "Ummmm, well we were all drinking and partying and stuff, when Sofia, you don't know her, she said she wanted to go skinny dipping. She didn't wait for anybody's okay. She just whipped off her suit and dove in." Cindy was now in self defense mode, trying to absolve herself of any blame for being naughty."
Sara guffawed and cackled, "SO? She went skinny dipping, no big deal, finish the story before they get out of the water. We wanna know what Jerry's got stuffed in his pants!" "Well, ummmmm, okay. I was real shy and didn't want to, but, Mom, YOUR SON, dropped his trunks and was in the water before I could say no! Everybody was stripping and jumping in and before I knew it I was standing there alone in my bathing suit. I was so embarrassed that I just jumped in and took my suit off in the water." "And then?" the other three said in unison as if on cue. "So anyway that's how I saw Jerry's thing and I don't wanna say anymore." Jeeeezussss Christ Girl! What's his dick like?!? I'm about to go and pull his drawers off myself!" Sara growled. Cindy stammered as the others all waited in prurient anticipation. "Errrrr, well when they were getting out of the water, I was still by the side of the pool, not wanting to get out naked. Jerry hopped out right next to me and stood there drying off. Ummmm, his ummm penis was just hanging and swinging above me and it was pretty big. Ummm, I mean it was like really fat."
Sara, laughed again, "Ain't she just prescious? His PENIS? His THING? C'mon girl, it's a cock! He's gotta big, fat swingin' cock!" They all laughed and Cindy blushed even more than before. Sherry murmured, "At least a cock or penis or thing is way better'n a sock." "Ten-Four on the sock." My wife added, "Ooops! here they come now. Ix-nay on the ock-cay, girls." in her best pig latin.
I looked up and saw them approaching and I was stuck there, listening in. I started back toward the beach chairs, pretending to be writing on my notepad and asked very loudly, "Uh Sara, did you say you liked yer meat raw?" Everyone laughed at mouthy Sara being put on the mark, and Eloise actually punched her in the shoulder. "NO ASSHOLE, I SAID... I like my meat long, thick and hard, which definitely leaves YOU OUT!" The tables had been turned on me and now even the guys by the grill joined in on the raucous cheering for Sara. One of the guys yelled out, "WooHoo! Take THAT sucker! Good One SARA! Sara one, cook nada, zip, zero!" The others joined in, hooting and hollering and laughing their asses off.
The four young, wet partiers walked by, drying themselves and headed for the bar. The gossiping hens all eyed Jerry's bulge approvingly as they passed.
When the steaks were almost ready I called out to Eloise that it was time to get the rest of the food out. She, Sherry and young Cindy jumped to the task while the others, Sara, Carla and Michelle plopped their butts in chairs and started banging their knives and forks on the table, loudly chanting for food. The guys laughed and the three women carrying out the salads, etc., spit out good hearted light obscenities at the three chanting 'royal bitches', as they'd now branded them.
Everyone freshened their drinks and sat down to what Sherry referred to as a feast fit for a king. Eloise mentioned that it was appropriate, considering we were dining in the presence of royal bitches. Another round of good natured laughter broke out. Once again proving that the alcohol was doing its job.
Sara finished chewing her last piece of steak and piped up with, "Ya know, although Paul is such a pain in my ass," "Hahaha, he's a pain in yer ass? Hahaha, then yer doin' it wrong, yer majesty!" Michelle taunted Sara. "Hush BITCH! I was gonna compliment him!" The table was in stitches over the banter. "As I was saying before I was SOooooOO rudely interrupted, that for all the pain in THE ass Paul is, he sure as hell can do some magic with a grill and raw meat."
Everyone nodded in agreement and my son raised his glass in a toast. "Three cheers for the cook!" The group all stood, with glasses raised and shouted a resounding, "HIP HIP HOORAY!" three times. They all sat back down and I rose and took a low exagerrated bow. "At yer service, m'lords and ladies."
The chuckles settled down when lo and behold, who else but Sara broke the silence with, "Speaking of meat, you seem to have a pretty good sized tube steak there in yer shorts, Jerry. I'll bet our little Carla here's damned happy she's not a damned vegetarian." She reached around Jerry and patted my daughter on the head.
Most of the gang were shocked by Sara's boldness and Jerry was instantly, totally red faced. Carla wasn't rattled for a moment and with a wide grin, reached under the table and obviously grabbing her husband's equipment, replied, "YEP! And if I WAS a vegetarian, this would've made a convert out of me! And oh by the way, THIS fat boy's all mine so there, BITCH!" Once again the table erupted in laughter.
My son Matt, who was getting a little antsy with the conversation, asked if anyone wanted their cocktails refreshed. Every empty glass and bottle was raised, so he and I got up to do bartending duty. As we were mixing drinks and getting the beers and wine, Matt said, "Gee Dad, it's gettin' a bit ummm, loose wouldn't ya say?" I replied, "Hahaha, yeah, I guess. Nobody's gettin' hurt, nobody's gettin' pissed, everybody's havin' fun, so what the hell. Haha, I've seen worse." and paused thoughtfully, " At least yer mother's not getting wild, errrr... yet." He stopped stirring a martini and did the puppy dog thing, head tipping slightly to one side, eyes wide, and said, "Huh?" I just chuckled and nudged him, saying, "Nothing, let's get these drinks back before they start yelling, 'off with our heads'."
When we returned to the table, it was obvious that the conversation had continued to degenerate. The guys were just sitting there and the women were going on about penis sizes and such. It almost seemed that the older gals were trying to outdo each other with their stories, impressing their juniors. The younger girls were somewhat more reserved, ahem, except for my loving daughter, who was right in the midst of the fray.
