Admitting I Have A Problem

This and every chapter following are an archive of my posts and journal entries that were previously shared on Reddit beginning in 2018. I've left the original intros and outros for the occasional additional context.

"Hi everyone, I've been lurking on here for about a year, and I can't believe I'm actually about to post this. My heart is racing, and my mouth is dry, and other parts of me are decidedly not so dry.

So, I've (F25) always been close with my little brother (19). Not as close as some of you might be hoping, but we spent a lot of time together while growing up before I left for college and my career. And even now we text all the time and send each other dumb pics and video game screenshots, talk about movies or whatever. I've always been there for him with advice about girls and preparing for college and in general stuff that he wasn't comfortable talking to our parents about. He still lives with our parents, pretty far away, but occasionally comes to visit. But I think all of this started during one of my visits home, about a year and a half ago.

It was during the summer, a big project at my job had just finished and my parents decided to go on this big vacation for the summer by themselves. They sort of asked if I'd be willing to come stay with my brother so he wouldn't be alone for the month, but I'm assuming also to kind of keep an eye on him. I had intended to come home for a few weeks anyway, to visit my girl friends and catch up with people so I agreed.

A week or so in, one of my besties texted to ask if I wanted to come swim in her pool, and we made plans for a few hours later. My brother is friends with her brother as well and I asked if he was interested, apparently the boys had already made their own plans to swim anyway. One thing I'd forgotten though is that before leaving home, I had been pretty modest, I used to wear one piece bathing suits. My breasts are on the large side so I'd always been self conscious about my suits falling off or not covering enough. However, I had just recently gotten over that, and had bought my first bikini. I'd worn it a few times before around my friends where I was living, but never in front of my old friends, never in front of her brother who used to constantly ask my friend to ask me out for him, and never in front of my own brother.

I mean, it wasn't a big deal, I'm generally happy with my body, even the parts that guys don't seem to like, so I figured it would be okay, and it ended up being fine. My friend's brother kept stealing glances at my cleavage, and even my friend made an aside comment to me saying that I should wear stuff like that more (especially to try and get a tan because I'm extremely pale, unfortunately the rest of my family tans super easily).

I'm sorry, this is kind of rambly, I'm nervous as hell sharing this, hopefully it doesn't show too much outside of me calling attention to it like that. Anyway, we swam around for a bit, my friend and I started trying to have a conversation to catch up and the boys started passing a ball back and forth. After I'd been hit in the face a few times from poorly aimed passes, we moved to the hot tub so we could sit and have a more private chat. She had her back to the main pool, but I was facing it. For the most part we were able to ignore the boys outside of the occasional splashes. At one point though, my brother gets a phone call from another of his friends, and he gets up out of the pool to go answer it. While this is happening, my friend is talking about, who the fuck even knows at this point because I barely remember the details about the rest of the day, I was distracted.

When my brother got out of the pool, his swim trunks were clinging to him and leaving very little to the imagination. I... I don't think he was hard, maybe half mast? But what I could see was more than enough, I feel like my eyes must have bulged out of their sockets but my friend kept talking and I kept muttering in agreement "uh huh, that's whatever you're talking about there for ya". Because I was definitely staring as he walked across the patio, realizing that we both apparently ended up well endowed.

Now, before this happened... I'd NEVER thought about him, not in this sense, never once about his cock, or his sex life. Before this I'd have balked, and put my fingers in my ears to stop from even hearing about it. But something changed in that moment because I felt warm and my heart was racing the way it is now talking about it. I couldn't get the image out of my head, and what's worse, I wanted to see more. I wanted to see it, I wanted to see it completely bare, and fully hard, and I hated that I didn't completely hate myself for thinking that way. I felt weird and unsettled about it, and I did try a lot to get the image out of my head... but I became so curious, and the idea literally haunted me, and has ever since.

I locked myself in my room when we got home, I bit my arm to keep my cries muffled as I took the edge off and fucked myself until my arm gave out. I don't even 100% remember what I was thinking about then, there may have been flashes of him, I don't know, I was just so horny that I didn't even need the mental stimulation.

I'm pretty sure I gave him a bit of the cold shoulder for at least a few days afterward. I could barely look at him. I was afraid he'd be able to figure me out or something. But I knew I couldn't keep doing that to him because of my own fucked up thoughts, so I brought myself to continue acting normal and treating him as if nothing had changed.

A few days later though, he went to the movies with his friends. I bummed around the house for a bit, played some video games, and then decided to take a shower. I started to touch myself a little, I really hadn't had the house to myself the whole time so far, and I think I was trying to decide how far to take things with myself. I just played with my boobs for a little until I heard the garage door open and close; he'd already come back home. So I ignored my arousal and finished my shower. When I finished, after drying off, I wrapped a towel around myself and started to open the door to head to my bedroom and get dressed. But then I had a weird urge, I decided to hang the towel up, and just rush to my bedroom. The idea of the thrill that he was home was exciting to me. I figured he was probably in his bedroom anyway so I went for it.

When I left, I saw his door at the end of the hall, closed, and figured he was already playing some Overwatch or something. So I sighed and padded over toward my door. But suddenly he entered the hallway from our living room and almost bumped into me. I was genuinely startled, but immediately excited. I made a half-assed attempt to cover what I could with my arms, and he started to apologize profusely, backing into his room and trying not to look at me. It felt like a minute long encounter but probably took like 5 seconds before we were both in our rooms. I just remember looking down at that point and seeing my nipples achingly hard and my chest all flushed from adrenaline and excitement all in one. I was horny as hell but too anxious about the whole thing to take care of myself so I got dressed and went to the living room to play something.

He took forever to come out of his room, and when he finally did he apologized again. I just said that it was okay, and told him I didn't know he'd already come back. He wouldn't look me in the eye at all for the rest of the night, but he slowly seemed to relax, and we were fine by the next day or so.

I wish I could say more has happened since then. I came back home and tried to get over the whole thing, but I haven't been able to. It's only gotten more and more intense to the point I've had fantasies about him. Stuff I don't even think I can share here tbh. A few months after I came home I found this subreddit, and I started watching more of the faux-incesty porn, and reading more of that on Literotica.Shout out to "Your Brother Has to Cum by Spector_Dugan in particular for making me cum a ton of times and even getting me to squirt on multiple occasions. The point is... I'm literally haunted by my brother and his, apparently, huge cock, likely bigger than anything I've ever had. And I don't know what to do with these feelings and fantasies and... and urges at this point. I glossed over the moments when I initially felt genuinely disgusted with myself, crying, or panicking alone in my apartment, wondering if something is wrong with me. I don't even know why I'm making this post, I guess I just needed to get it all off of my chest and this seemed like the most accepting place to do it. So uh, thank you for your time. I'll respond to comments as much as I can, and PMs, but I'm not going to post pics or do anything to identify myself or risk identifying myself, I'm sure you all will understand."