The man at the registration desk asks if we would we like to share a locker. How funny, I think. No of course not. I look at Jordan. His headphones on. Not listening. It is his twenty-second birthday. His blonde hair cut short and swept to the side. Barely any stubble on his chin. His facial hair is white and fair. And me, his mother, forty two year's old and giddy like a schoolgirl. Why am I so giddy? I cannot say. Who is to know? I am excited to go swimming with my son. Yes that's it. Today's the day we have been looking forward to. I have been looking forward to. I haven't eaten breakfast. But the sun was shining this morning and that was enough. In early June it isn't always warm. It is today and it will get warmer later my phone says. I have been eating pretty much only Kellogg's Special K for the last month. Now no breakfast this morning. I want to look good. That's ridiculous I tell myself. Good for who? This morning I did my usual three sets of stomach crunches and squats. I am a good looking woman I tell myself.
I feel wrong looking at myself in the mirror. I did this morning though. I turned around and looked at the effect of all those squats. I looked good. Actually, no Clara, you looked gorgeous. Pert. Also it is not like he is going to see you completely without clothes on you are going to be wearing a swimsuit I tell myself! A modest one piece swimsuit.
'Mam' the gentleman at the desk says. He is looking cross. 'Are you and your son sharing? Parents and their children go half price.'
'What do you think Jordan dear?' I ask but he doesn't hear me.
'Oh well.' I am getting flustered. 'If we share a locker do we um...'
'Do you what?'
'Well do we go to that change room over there?'
'Listen lady I don't know if you are deaf or blind but yes that's the changeroom you go to if you are sharing a locker with your child.'
'Oh' I say. I feel my pulse quickening for some reason. There is another feeling also. One I haven't felt in a while.
'Yes.' I say. 'Yes' with more confidence this time. 'We will be sharing a locker.'
The man rolls his eyes at me. I pay him. But who the hell cares right? We are going to be sharing a locker! I shout it in my head. Then I actually feel my arms shaking. My thighs quivering. I almost stop and go back and say no we won't share a locker. This is a bad idea. Then another part of my mind takes over. A more rational me. It is just sharing a locker. It isn't sharing a change room. It is not as if we are going to be changing right in front of each other out in the open. Of course not Clara. That would be insane. That would never happen. Only. Only. Only I have this niggling thought. What if it is the case? Then what? Then what will happen? I tell myself to calm down.
We walk towards the change rooms and enter. Jordan still lost to the world on his headphones. Inside there is a long corridor with a floor to ceiling mirror. I see a woman my age adjusting her goggles and her swimming cap. There is the smell of chlorine. I spot a discarded band aid. Ok I tell myself. Calm down. See this is just another gross changing room. Everything is going to be fine. I turn the corner and the first thing that strikes me is how wet the floor is. So many people traipsing in and out from the pool. I spot a dryer the kind where you shut the lid down and it blasts hot air out over your towel and swimsuit. I was fearing the worst. But everything is very tame. A young mother is helping her children get dressed. Perfectly innocent.
Jordan strolls in.
'Where is our locker?' He speaks!
'Let's see if we can find it.'
We both wander in. There is a sign. Toilets to the left. Showers to the right. Changing stalls straight ahead. We follow the sign. We get to the changing area and I see we are the only ones there. Lucky. I look for the stalls. I see there is actually only a single stall. The lockers are along the wall to the right and benches to the left.
'Oh my my' I say. My heart is beating heavily again. What on earth Clara! It is you and your son. Only he hasn't been home for a while and now he is all grown up. He has become a man. It is strange. I think back. I can barely remember a time when I saw Jordan...you know when I saw him without...
'Which locker mom?' he asks.
I tell him the number.
He drops down his bag. I stand like a fool. There is what I want to do and what I think I should do. Jordan turns around and pulls off his t-shirt. I gasp slightly. Did he hear me? I hope he didn't hear me.
I see his bare shoulders. They are broad. Broader than I remembered. His arms have gotten strong too. He must be doing lots of exercises. I bet he has a girlfriend he is not talking about. He never tells me about girls. He starts digging around in his bag and I see him bring out his speedo. My heart nearly bursts. My better self grabs hold of me. You can't stand here and watch him Clare. Why not? He is my son. What is wrong with it? You just can't, that other part of my mind says. I find myself walking over to the stall. I close the door behind me and breathe deeply.
'Are you ok mom?' he asks.
'Yes I am fine dear. I am just going to get changed in here.'
'Ok mom. Suit yourself' he says.
The door only goes down as far as my knees. There is a mirror in the corner. I dare not look at it. I undress quickly. When I am taking my underwear down I realise that if Jordan is looking from outside he will see my underwear coming off my lower legs. I am mortified. I am embarrassed. But then I think I am also enormously turned on. I am a wicked wicked woman. I let my underwear stay at my ankles. I keep my legs apart. Why I am doing this? I don't know. I can't stop myself. I stand in this ridiculous pose for several seconds. Jordan is probably looking at his phone. He hasn't seen and even if he has seen what will he think. I don't want him to lose respect for me. But then I look up into the mirror and I see myself. I see I am completely smooth after going to the beauty salon earlier this week. I see that I am fully a woman and in this pose nothing is left to the imagination. I think Jordan would love to see his mother like this.
Then I manage to snap out of it. I get changed quickly. I don't look in the mirror anymore. I am so quick in fact that as I leave the stall I see Jordan is actually still changing. He is completely nude. His back is to me. I see his broad shoulders again. His back muscles all ripped. My eyes trail over his buttocks. Smooth, round and small. I see that his bum cheeks are pulled apart slightly as he is pulling up his speedo. It is so quick. But I see him so exposed. I find myself staring.
I nearly fall over.
I don't say anything. I can't say anything. Then quick as a flash he pulls up his speedo. I see him rearrange himself in front. He turns around and it is as if nothing has happened. But I flush. I smile. He smiles. And something passes between us. Did he want me to see him? No. Never. But he took so long. He was getting changed before you went in the stall. Was he changing slowly so that you would catch him? Does he want you to see him naked? Does he know how much pleasure that view of his arsehole has just given you?
I can't believe I have just seen my grown son completely exposed like that.
A thrill of pleasure ripples through my body. I wonder if I should acknowledge what just happened? Or will I embarrass him? I don't say anything.
Suddenly we are walking out towards the pool. I am behind him and I find myself watching his arse cheeks move under the speedo. I watch how his shoulders move with each step. How his muscles tense as he warms up. Then we are outside at the pool and everything is back to normal. There are other people and there is sunshine. It is almost as if what happened moments before was a thing of my imagining. Like a dream. I find that I have gotten myself very excited in a physical way. My swimsuit is dark blue but I quickly make my way to the water just in case. The water is cold at first but soon I have fully submerged my lower half and I am swimming out. I swim a few lengths of breaststroke with my head out of the water. I don't see Jordan for a while.
He is swimming in one of the faster lanes. He swims a slow powerful crawl. He has always been a good swimmer. He just has the right physique. The broad strong shoulders. The thin waist. The big feet. Yes he does have big feet doesn't he. I wonder if his...no Clara you shouldn't wonder about that. But I do imagine it. I imagine it a lot. I wonder how it has grown. Isn't it a mother's right to see it? At least once. Touch it just once. I can't believe I am thinking these things. But then I suspect every mother does about her son. It would be such an honour to hold him. I wonder if he is shy. And then I think no he isn't shy! He must have waited for you earlier. To let you see him. It was perfectly innocent wasn't it. He was just getting changed out in the open. Where else was he going to go? When you opened the door you just happened to see his bottom.
When I climb out of the pool I am tired and my body is tingling. I let the sunshine wash over me.
I sit down and look at myself and think that I have done good work getting into shape. The swimsuit is dark blue and it is modest. But it also has just a single lining. In the store I bought it from the woman at the checkout gave me a wink. Now I see why. It is clinging tightly to my body. I wish Jordan was out of the pool to see me. For a forty-two year old my breasts are still firm. I have always had large nipples. They are big and slightly puffy. Now through my single layer swimsuit they are clearly defined. It gives me a bit of a thrill.
Then I see Jordan getting out and he comes across to me. I admire his torso that looks even more developed after swimming. He comes and sits next to me. He doesn't say much and lies on his back. I am left with a view of crotch. I find myself staring at him.
'How was your swim?'
'Good'. He sits up. He looks at the water. Then he is looking at my chest. I suddenly feel exposed. Vulnerable. He looks away shyly. But I see him taking sly glances. I stroke his shoulder gently.
'Mom about earlier...'
'Yes' I say. Oh god I think.
'I...uh...I guess I am sorry I a flashed you!' he laughs.
I smile. I try to make it a sweet smile.
'I didn't see a thing' I say.
'Oh' he sounds disappointed. 'Really?'
'I have seen your little bottom a thousand times. There is really nothing to be embarrassed about.'
'Ok. Cool mom. I just didn't know if it was...you know...'
He says nothing further and I don't prompt. I am completely flushed. I don't know what to think. So he knew that I saw him. He was embarrassed.
