After the tumultuous Saturday, the Monroes all went to dinner together. Bill drove, and Julia was in the passenger seat, while Jack quietly rode in the back seat. Bill talked golf, as Julia peered out the window. She felt a swirl of different emotions about the last two days. She especially felt regret at having pulled the stunt she did just earlier, when she had gone up and kissed Bill once he got home. That was stupid and wrong.
She rationalized it to herself by thinking about how elated she had felt at finally having had passionate sex with someone, after years of she and Bill barely touching. Even though it was with Jack, which was a whole other set of problems itself, it was still not justification for having done something so devious. She swore to herself she would make it up to him.
The car was almost to the restaurant as she was also shocked, as well as delighted, that she had even let herself do some of the things she had done. Sure, she had fantasized about different acts or such, but she had never really been a daring partner. Not at all. To have done the things she had in the last two days simply shocked her.
As they pulled to the valet, she flipped her vanity mirror down to adjust her makeup. She used the opportunity to look in the mirror to the backseat at Jack. He was looking ahead and clearly fixed in his own thoughts. She felt jarring guilt. She felt the guilt for having been the way she was at the party with him, and then she wrestled maddening guilt at the notion of having had sex with him. Maybe she was going insane, she thought.
But just as she had already done in her previous reflections on the day, where she had kicked and thrashed herself inside for having had sex with him, her thoughts at once went to the both of them together. It was like she looked at him in two totally different ways. She knew she had to have some malady, she figured, but she looked at him as a son on one hand, and on another, she viewed him as this young, virile man. She further justified it as his being fully an adult now. He was set to graduate from college, and clearly he was experienced with women already.
Jack had not been an unwitting victim, she believed. He had pursued her, just as foolishly and ridiculously as she had accepted his advances. She also repeatedly thought of herself as pathetic in a way. She could no longer claim to be a good mother. She could never claim this ever again. Plus, it was likely she had unalterably changed her relationship with her son to where there would be at least some negative consequences.
All of these rational thoughts replayed in her head, but as if on cue, her focus shifted. A young guy acting as the valet came to her door to let her out. He was well mannered, and at one time, she may have considered the valet cute as a young guy. Now, she realized, when she saw the valet, her instinctive thought was of how this guy could not come close to the handsomeness and appeal of Jack.
This was the way she was thinking, she knew as she stepped from the car. It was wrong, it was stupid, and it was unhealthy. She stood, straightened her skirt and looked over at Jack who was also standing and looking over at her with a grin. Yes, it was all of those things alright, but she still felt the way she did. She loved him, and... well, she wanted him. She felt a chill as they all went into the restaurant. She held her head up, but she gave it a small shake in bewilderment. All appeared calm and collected, but as they walked in together, she did so with the knowledge that her exchanged glance with Jack had made her wet.
---
At their table, all three of them soon were downing drinks. Bill had his first of probably many Scotch and waters. Julia ordered her favorite Chardonnay, and Jack stuck with his usual Mexican beer. There was a comfortable atmosphere despite the morning's confrontation, as Bill and Jack talked up the football games going on for the weekend. Julia didn't really join in the conversation, but she didn't really mind either. She took a devious enjoyment in sitting back and observing these men.
Bill spoke as he understood he was conditioned to do, and that was authoritatively. He'd learned long ago to think and feel confidently and it had served him well. Plus, this was his son, and he felt good speaking to him with assuredness. Of course, Bill knew what the games meant for the teams involved, and Bill felt good about his view of who would do well. He delighted in sharing this with Jack.
Jack liked that his Dad was engaging him with Bill's views on the games. Jack had always felt there was an inconsistency with how interested his Dad was in even talking to him. He'd soak this up, even if at times Bill seemed kind of... smug. Jack smiled to his Dad and nodded.
Jack also occasionally stole looks at his mother. He was amazed. He saw this composed, elegant older woman, the same image he had observed for years. But now, he also saw this older woman who looked just slightly steeled to where she was avoiding the visibility of layers that shouldn't be seen. One layer was a restlessness that contained an appetite. This was a layer she didn't want detected. It was a layer that made her incredibly more interesting and desirable to him now.
For herself, Julia wondered how these guys could care so much about such a meaningless thing as the football games. Her glass never left her hand as she savored each drink of the white wine. She couldn't help but marvel somewhat at Jack, as he showed absolutely no discomfort or inhibition at the table at all. Here he had just spent some of the day betraying his father as severely as he could, and he seemed utterly unfazed. She choked at her wine as she realized the exact same thing could be said of herself.
Both men looked concernedly over to her, and she waved them off. They resumed their conversation effortlessly, as she resumed her thoughts on Jack's lack of concern as well as her own. In her mind, she and Jack just cared for each other deeply. It was so intense that it was like they were compelled to show it physically, she told herself. And, she concluded that this must explain Jack's ease with the situation as well.
After a couple of more drinks and the appetizer, Julia found herself looking more and more to Jack. When he'd return her look, he gazed back with a look Julia adored. It was a cute but desirous look as well. It was hard for her to believe, but exactly what she wanted. She admonished herself that she needed to be careful, but part of her didn't care. She made herself participate more in some of their talk, but she started feeling that Bill was just acting too... smug. It agitated her some.
During the meal, Bill took stock of the evening and felt a sense of contentment. He liked and admired his wife, regardless of whether he still found her desirable. Their comfort and security with one another was one of the best things he valued. As far as his other needs went, he had solved that issue some time back. Just like on this particular Saturday, his routine was golf with buddies. He inwardly grinned knowing his Saturday routine also always included the stop by his favorite massage therapist on the way home. There was that hour of alone time and relaxation that always culminated in the young woman finishing his massage in a delirious release that left him sated. This never failed to calm him and make Saturday evening that much more enjoyable, knowing his every need had been met. This evening was no different.
---
The car ride home from the restaurant was quiet and subdued. Everyone had eaten well and had enjoyed drinks throughout the evening. Everyone was also lost in their own thoughts.
Once home, Bill and Julia made their way straight to the kitchen for night caps to take upstairs to bed. Jack went to his room to change into a t-shirt and gym shorts. He was looking forward to watching the end of the football game on TV.
Julia followed Bill back upstairs, and she found herself excited with an idea she'd come to over the course of the evening. She changed clothes into a nice teddy while Bill readied himself for bed in the bathroom. This would be her chance to make things right with Bill, she figured.
Bill stepped out of the bathroom and directed himself straight to the bed. Pulling back the covers, he heard Julia speak to him from where she was standing across from him before getting into the bed herself. He saw the black teddy and grinned.
"Hey baby," she purred and she tried to give a sly grin.
Bill chuckled. He continued pulling himself into bed, and Julia slipped under the covers beside him. She slid over to him, and he felt himself brace as she did.
"Sweetheart, you look great," they both knew there was a 'but' coming. "I'm really beat tonight, you know? I mean, we partied last night. I played golf all day. Then, all the drinks and food tonight. I got to get some sleep, that's all."
Julia patted at her hair trying to seem unaffected. "Hey, I understand. Don't worry. I can help you get to sleep, you know?" Her hand went to his side and rubbed him.
Bill shifted in bed, effectively moving from her. "Tell you what, let's hold that idea till in the morning. We'll do just that. I'm beat tonight."
Julia flopped over onto her back on her side of the bed. She stared dejectedly up at the ceiling. Then, she popped out of bed, shrugging off the nightie and pulling on her satin robe. "I'm going downstairs for a drink."
She pulled the door loudly shut, as she stormed from the room. She tugged the robe tightly to her body, and she tried to compose herself as she descended the stairs. Incredibly, she had gone from feeling buoyant and bright to weak and insecure in Bill's swift rejection of her. Just calm down, she told herself.
Propped on the sofa and engrossed in the football game, Jack noticeably brightened when she entered the living room. Julia beamed right back at him. She was very grateful for his reaction.
"Hey," she looked to him, then the TV and back at him.
"How are you doing?" Jack asked with a warmness in his tone.
"I'm okay." She sat in a chair facing the sofa and she tried to show interest in what he was watching. "Who's winning?"
Jack answered, but it was completely lost on her. She nodded absently and acted like she was watching along with him.
He went about trying to explain to her how the pro football teams played Saturday night games when December rolled around, when they typically would not previously in the season. Julia listened and looked to Jack, but she didn't seem genuinely interested in the subject, only in holding Jack's attention. Jack grinned appreciatively to her, but he also tried to follow the game.
When Jack refocused on the game, Julia stood and walked to the kitchen. She went to refresh her glass, knowing full well she should stop and leave well enough alone. There was a haze from the night's indulgence that she was aware of and decided to continue to fuel. She drank her wine and paced a couple of steps in the kitchen. She found herself standing in front of the sink where a large clear window overlooked their back yard.
Julia stared longingly out the window. Her thoughts jumped around. She could make out her reflection very well in the clean glass of the window. She saw an older woman that she wondered about. She had this self-image, but she wondered now whether it fit. She doubted her looks any more, and now she began doubting even her own judgment.
Hadn't she made a huge mistake? What could she be thinking, having these feelings about Jack? Her own son. Was she just desperate? Was she just starved? She drank more of the wine from her glass, and she gave an answer at least to the last question. After the day she just experienced, she recognized that she had been missing a lot. It was just the truth. And, if she was being really honest with herself, the affection, and the sex, was still a need for her. An important need, she admitted.
Against her better judgment, she thought about Jack and their time. She took a deep breath as she thought about how he was and how he had made her feel. She had to admit he had made her feel like she hadn't in a very long time, if ever. She silently stirred at how very well he had been with her.
Then, as if on cue, Jack materialized in the reflection of the window, and she saw he was now standing there behind her. At first, neither of them spoke, even though they both acknowledged each other in the reflection with their looks to each other. The tension was palpable. Here she was downstairs with him. She had come downstairs, leaving Bill upstairs in bed asleep. She had come downstairs and found Jack here. And... she had stayed.
Julia studied her glass for a moment and swirled it about. "Is the game still on?"
"Yeah."
"What's the score now?"
"I don't care any more."
She smiled at him in the reflection. "Good answer."
