It was the end of the day on her 50
th
birthday and as Rebecca changed her clothes for bed she couldn't help but wonder where things had gone wrong.
Only an hour ago her friends had sat at her dinner table and envied her for what they thought was the ideal life.
A rich husband. Two lovely children. A massive house.
They had laughed and talked their way through the evening whilst toasting every so often to her amazing life. She - for her part -- had laughed along with their jokes and indulged (possibly a bit more than usual) in the red wine, albeit hiding the cracks that lay underneath.
If only her friends could see past the superficial layer they'd realize the hollow that consumed Rebecca and one she so painstakingly tried to hide.
With the house now silent, her friends all gone and her son asleep in his room, Rebecca lay in her bed with her eyes still open and her mind racing.
Of course, it was just like him. She should have expected it and had not even entertained the remotest of hopes.
Why wouldn't her husband Dan find it difficult to come back to London from Paris? Why wouldn't he create an excuse to stay on there for work rather than come home for her big day?
She scolded herself for daring to think that Dan may just come back and surprise her. But lo and behold, all she got was a text message to wish her a happy birthday and a hastily written sentence to say he'll be staying on in Paris.
Over the recent months, the time he was spending across the English Channel seemed to be increasing. From a few nights a month in Paris it was down to a few nights a month at home.
Part of Rebecca knew what it was. But she couldn't bring herself round to admitting it. The other part didn't even care. So what if he's having an affair, she thought. Is it really an affair when the marriage itself is non-existent?
It was different when she first discovered Dan had slept with somebody else. All those years ago in the 10
th
year of their marriage when she had discovered his first infidelity she had been hurt and distraught. The feeling of being cheated on, the feeling of having her trust abused and the anger that raged from thinking about him with another woman had been so intense that she had found it difficult to breathe, eat, or sleep.
She had wanted to leave him. To end it there and then in its tracks. Yet a part of her loved him deeply and that part wouldn't let her exit. So after profuse apologies from Dan she forgave him and stayed on. She told herself it was for the kids but she knew it was for Dan too because to her, he was still the best man she'd ever met.
Time passed, and some wounds healed whilst other remained sore. The next time she found the stench of another woman on his dirty laundry and an unused condom hidden inside his wallet, she had felt like slapping herself for being so gullible the first time round. It had been only a year since she'd forgiven him and he had betrayed her again so soon.
The tears of hurt gave way to anger much sooner this time round as she thought about confronting him. Her mind filled with thoughts of running upstairs to where he sat and slapping him across the face. She could picture how she would stand over him, throw the condom in his face and tell him to get out of the house.
But before she could move, a realization dawned on her that forced her to whimper.
Even if she were to throw Dan out of the house, the house was his. It was in his name. Everything was in his name.
She owned nothing. She had nothing to fall back on.
After all, it was she herself who had chosen to given it all up for him.
It was her who had agreed to Dan's suggestion that she drop out of university to raise their new born daughter, Jane. It was her again who had let Dan decide that she might as well give up the idea of going back to finish her degree now that they were having their second child, their son Nick.
In that moment as she stood in the laundry room still holding his soiled underwear, her heart felt heavier than it had ever felt before.
As the tears streamed down her face, she felt hopeless. But then out of nowhere something happened. A new thought, or what one may call a ray of hope, suddenly sprung within her and suddenly grew into an idea which then morphed into a decision.
Dan from now onwards would be worthless to her. She would be wife to him only in name and nothing else. But she would be a mother to her children the likes of which the world had never seen. That would be her purpose and her calling. She would give them the life she had been denied.
As the years passed, she distanced herself from Dan and for his part, he never tried to find out what lay behind her nonchalance. With the comfort he desired in the arms of other women, he barely even noticed the change in Rebecca. In his mind, he figured the fact that they didn't have sex anymore was more reason for him to seek out other women.
For her part, Rebecca kept the promise she made to herself. She devoted her life to her children. Dance classes, swimming lessons, football practice, French tuition. She ferried her children everywhere. As her husband's work trips increased, she found happiness returning to her life seeing her children succeed and having the house to herself.
Sitting on her bed on her 50
th
birthday and looking back at her life, she felt proud as a mother.
Jane had excelled in her studies and had just landed her dream job in Edinburgh. It was torture to have her daughter leave her house, but the smile on Jane's face was enough to let Rebecca part from her daughter. Plus she had to count her blessings, at least Edinburgh was not too far and in the same country meaning she'd get to see her daughter some weekends.
She also took solace that Nick was still in university so would be at home for at least another year.
Nick, her 21-year-old son, who was not only loving but equally respectful. He had grown from being a nerdy little boy who found the company of books more pleasing to people, to being a grown up young man who captained the cricket team and was perpetually in the company of friends. How he transformed himself Rebecca couldn't still figure out but she knew she was more proud of him than she could put into words.
Her life had had purpose, she thought. She had achieved what she had set out to do on that dark day in the laundry room what felt like another lifetime ago.
But yet, something gnawed at her. It snuck up behind her as she lay in bed and presented itself suddenly by tugging at her soul.
She tried to avoid voicing it but the realization only grew, increasing in pace.
And then she voiced it to the empty room, 'I am so lonely.'
A tear slipped her eye as she said it out loud and the loneliness that she had desperately kept an arm's length away, now embraced her. The embrace of a friend who had been there all along but one you've only just opened up to.
She got off the bed and made her way to the full-length mirror in her room. She looked at the face staring back at her and for a second tried to visualize the face that had once smiled so freely.
She leaned in and examined her forehead, the small winkles that were creeping near her eyes were a constant reminder that she wasn't that happy young girl anymore. She felt her face and touched her cheeks -- trying to sense whether they could provide a clue to who she really was.
She took off her top and looked at her neck line. The way her shoulders shaped into her nape still looked the same as it did when she was younger. Her breasts though were different. It was if they belonged to somebody else -- somebody older, somebody that wasn't her. Age had been kind to her for the most parts but she knew these weren't the breasts she once had.
With that, she took off her pajama bottom and stood now completely naked -- taking her whole body in, inch by inch.
She looked at her feet. Then at her legs - which thanks to her regular cycling were still fairly toned. She looked at her pubic hair and wondered when was the last time she had the urge to look sexy and shave down there.
Eventually she brought her gaze back up to her face and looked into the eyes of the woman standing before her.
The eyes looked tired. The spark that danced within them seemed no more.
A sudden urge to talk to somebody swelled within her. But to whom, she wondered.
