My night was consumed by the thoughts of a million potential scenarios running tirelessly through my mind. I mostly lay in the dark next to a soundly asleep Amber, who seemed oblivious to my sleeplessness, and recounted every last detail of the day's events. Especially the ones toward the end of the evening and the last thing that Amber had said—like mother, like daughter. Many times I scanned my memory banks for any potential misreading of that statement or even if I had imagined it. Did she in fact intend on utterly defiling our only recently discovered daughter in the same debased manner that she herself had experienced?
I wondered about my commitment to this plan that Amber had seemingly already set into motion, at least in purpose. I wondered if I could stand idly by while Amber pushed her into a potentially life-altering series of decisions, most of which could very well lead to all kinds of issues for her down the line. Amber had been lucky in that she was not an addict. She had been addicted to the experience of becoming a junkie but had not triggered a latent gene for addiction that would trap her in that life. I had never dabbled in substances myself and wasn't aware of any addiction issues in my family history but that didn't mean they didn't exist. If Amber successfully led Sienna into that life, there were no guarantees that she'd win that game of genetic Russian roulette.
What was also on my mind was the possibility that she would not be successful, and that Sienna would resist Amber's attempts at corruption and it would corrode her trust in us and damage our budding relationship. That was what probably scared me the most. It had only been a day since I met my daughter, but already the thought of losing her again terrified me. I had never been keenly aware of my own desire for a family, but something had been awakened inside of me and now I desperately wanted to hold onto it. But these were all one-way conversations that I had with myself throughout the night and provided no answers and no relief. Thus, when sunlight began poking through the blinds and birds began chirping to signify a new day, I struggled to remember sleeping at any point.
Even still, when Amber's hand snaked it's way to the bedside table from under our white down comforter and retrieved a cigarette, lighting it immediately upon waking up—a surge of energy pulled me out of my thoughts of lost sleep and into the wonderful reality I was currently living. Regardless of my hesitations, I still had a day off to spend with the love of my life and my beautiful daughter and that was enough to instill a sense of calm in me that would clarify how fortunate I was. Amber rolled over to face me, her eyes surprisingly wide and bright for having just woken up. Helplessly I smiled at her, always in awe of how much I loved her and how beautiful she was at any hour.
She smiled back, maintaining her grin as she pulled hard on her Newport 100 and snapping a picture-perfect ball of smoke into her lungs for the first of what would be many times that day. She wasted no time in getting the day off to a good start by snuggling up to me and giving me a smokey kiss that sent a bolt of lightning directly to my nether regions. It almost surprised me sometimes at how easily she was able to manipulate my sexual arousal. She'd been awake for less than five minutes and already had yanked me out of my troubled thoughts and replaced them with a desire to make love to her. It might actually scare me if I didn't trust her as much as I did.
"Not yet baby," Amber whispered softly into my chest after a series of successive drags on her already half-smoked cigarette.
"What exactly are you planning?" I asked, struggling to think of what devious plan she had in mind.
"You'll see," she replied. Giving me no indication or clue as to what she had in store.
I contemplated pushing the issue but decided to allow Amber to stay in the driver's seat on this one. I couldn't honestly think of a single time where her insight into what turned me on had been misguided. At his point, she quite possibly knew me better than I even knew myself, anticipating my kinks before I was even aware of them. I figured I was in very good hands.
Amber finished her cigarette while snuggling under my chin, bathing me in each of her exhales while I lay there between Heaven and Hell, a purgatory of extreme arousal and delayed gratification. I still considered it one of the loveliest ways I could have started my day even if I was denied a sexual release. I hoped I wouldn't have to endure too many more of them though, as I really didn't want to have to be hiding a raging erection from Sienna all day. The couch escapade of the previous evening was all my heart could take.
Amber stubbed out her Newport and practically vaulted out of bed and into the shower, no doubt energized by the prospect of spending another day with Sienna. I decided I would take a moment to peek across the hall and see if she had woken up yet. It was nearly 10 am and I really had no idea what kind of sleeping schedule an 18-year-old girl fresh out of high school kept. A bit surprisingly, the door to the guest room was slightly ajar and I could hear a voice speaking from the other side. I stood in my doorway and listened, trying to determine if it was Sienna or from something she may be watching or listening to on her phone.
Suddenly I recognized the voice and my blood seemed to freeze in my veins. The voice belonged to a smoking model named Willow, one of my favorites, and she was being interviewed about her smoking habit. I should have recognized the danger of Sienna getting on the computer and snooping around given how curious she had been about anything and everything she could find yesterday but the thought had completely slipped my mind with everything that had happened. My heart was pounding in my ears and my mind raced to think of what I was going to say that wouldn't result in incredible awkwardness. Should I even address it?
I considered just heading to the kitchen and making a bit of noise to tip Sienna off that I was awake and then just hope that she didn't bring it up. The problem was that I knew that she knew, and that also meant that last night's smoking events were framed in a much stranger manner. Perhaps I should wait and talk to Amber and see what she thinks before barging into the room and saying anything dumb. It felt like my feet were glued to the floor and my body was paralyzed. I decided to slowly step back into my room and wait for Amber's input, maybe a coward's decision but I needed more time to think. Unfortunately, the wooden floorboards had other plans. An audible creak and groan seemed to erupt from the bowels of the foundation in almost comical way.
The voice from inside Sienna's room stopped and I stopped right along with it. I held my breath and listened to the thump of my heart reverberating in my ears and awaited the most awkward encounter of my life.
"Hello?" Came Sienna's voice from the other side of the door across the hall.
Do I run? Do I reply? What do I do? Once more the universe laughed at my indecisiveness, absolving me of any ideas of agency I might've had over the situation.
"What are you doing?" Amber asked from behind me, wrapped in a rose petal colored bath towel.
I opened my mouth with no thought as to what I was going to say but before I could utter a single word Sienna appeared from behind her door and stepped into the hallway.
"Dad? Are you ok?" She asked, apparently reading the shock and embarrassment on my face as some sort of physical malady.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't want to wake you up so I was trying to be quiet," I replied. Hoping my meager explanation would encounter no resistance.
"Oh..," Sienna responded, seeming to mull the viability of my words over in her mind.
"Did you sleep okay, honey?" Amber asked, again stepping in to fill the void my verbal failings were causing.
"Yeah, the bed was really comfortable and I was super tired so it wasn't hard to sleep at all," Sienna replied, her eyes still trained on me as I did my best to drain whatever anxiety still lay there.
"That's great, it can be hard sometimes to sleep when you're not in your own bed," I chimed, doing my best to direct the conversation in the most benign way possible.
"Yeah.., I guess it just kinda felt like my bed," came Sienna's reply, surprising me with her trademark big, bright smile.
"So, are you hungry? Do you want to go out for breakfast?" Amber asked, now stepping into the doorway next to me.
"Um, sure. That sounds fun," Sienna agreed.
"Great, you can shower in the bathroom next to the laundry room. There are fresh towels and should be shampoo and soap in there too. I'm going to get dressed and I'll see you when you get out," Amber offered, walking back into the bedroom and into the closet.
Sienna waited for Amber to walk back into the room before looking back up at me with a strange grin on her face. I silently hoped that she was going to turn and head toward the bathroom but the look on her face indicated her intent to say something I was fearing would reintroduce the awkwardness of a few moments ago. I was right.
"Hey dad, I..," Sienna broke eye contact for a moment and glanced at the floor, probably thinking of what particular insult she was about to use to describe what she found on my computer.
"There's something I wanted to ask you about," Sienna teased, inching her way toward the topic in a manner that reminded me of the playfulness of her mother. She was definitely Amber's daughter.
"Sure, what is it?" I asked, still foolishly hoping she was going to ask me about my favorite color or the last good movie I saw instead of what I knew she was thinking about.
"Can you come in my room for a minute?" She asked.
I wished I could revel in the happiness I felt in hearing her refer to it as 'her room' instead of feeling like I was about to break out in a full body sweat. I did my best to keep my composure though and instead just nodded my head and followed Sienna into the room. Upon entering I did my best to ignore the computer, going so far as to turn toward Sienna who stood next to the bed, still clinging to the denial that this was actually happening.
"So, I'm really sorry but I was kind of snooping. I..," Sienna's demeanor seemed to change a bit, the playfulness fading and a tone of guilt seeping in, "..was looking around on your computer and I found something," she described evenly.
With that she walked over to the computer whose screen had gone black from inactivity and moved the mouse, awakening the monitor and revealing Willow's beautiful face and filling me with absolute dread.
"I know I really have no right to ask, it is your computer and everything. And I honestly wasn't trying to find dirt on you or something, I'm just genuinely curious. I hope you're not mad," Sienna spoke with a deep sense of guilt now, taking me by surprise.
I tried to see this scenario from her perspective and realized that she was just trying to understand her parents and definitely didn't anticipate finding what she'd found. I tried thinking of what it must be like to be trying to make up 18 years of lost ground where each piece of information is a piece of who you are. I also finally understood that she wasn't the warden and I wasn't the inmate awaiting trial. She was just a sheltered kid, unsure about what was and wasn't off-limits in a relationship that had began less than 24hrs ago. In this new light, the dynamic of the conversation changed and I immediately felt guilty for having put her in a position to have to be the one to bring it up and not taken the initiative myself.
"I'm not mad, don't worry," I started, wanting to put her at ease right away.
