I had once believed that if we could be together just once I'd be able to get back to my normal life. I believed if we fucked just once the spell would be broken. I was so wrong.
Greg, my much younger cousin, was picked up by a friend en route to the airport early the next morning. Neither of us mentioned the night before as I served him breakfast and he readied to leave. We both just pretended nothing had happened. When his friend arrived he carried his bags to the car and ran back to the house to grab his forgotten sunglasses and, of course, to say goodbye.
He slightly closed the front door upon reentering, obscuring his friend's view. After placing his glasses atop his head he turned to me. I could see he wanted to say something about last night but the words were caught in his throat. I hugged him tight and told him to have a safe trip. He wrapped his arms behind me, pulling me closer to him. My breathing was instantly effected. I reached up to kiss his cheek, breathlessly whispering "goodbye Greg" as I did.
It happened so suddenly. His hand was on my cheek and we were kissing: long and deep and passionate. Just as soon as it began it seemed to end and he was standing away from me. I swear he was trembling but maybe that is what I wanted to believe at the time. All he said was "bye" before walking out my front door.
The day dragged on and I could think of nothing other than Greg. I thought about the night before and of the morning. Had I made a huge mistake? I questioned myself over and over again, going over every detail, trying to decide. Although we usually chat via text almost non-stop, the day passed in silence without a single text. With every hour that passed I was more convinced that I had done wrong.
I felt like a zombie by the time I crawled into bed. My whole body seemed beaten and yet sleep did not come. The minutes passed. An hour. Then suddenly my phone lit up with an incoming text message. I nearly dropped the phone when I saw it was from Greg.
It all began with his innocent question:
-You awake?
-Yeah, can't sleep.
-Me either.
-You're in a beautiful hotel in the Bahamas. Why on earth can't you sleep?
-I dunno... I just can't.
-Why?
I thought that was the end of the conversation. I stared at the phone for 5 minutes after the last text I sent. I cursed myself for pressing the matter and at the same time couldn't think of something to say to diffuse the situation. Ten minutes passed. The phone lit up.
-I can't stop thinking about you.
My heart stopped. I just stared at the phone, reading and rereading the message. I realized it must have felt like an eternity to him as I considered my response.
-Same here.
Even though this was over text I swear I could hear his sharp intake of air at my response. It was a few minutes before his short reply came in.
-Really?
-Yeah. Been driving myself mad all day.
-What do you mean?
-Kept thinking maybe we... I dunno. Do you regret... um... what happened?
The voice inside my head was pleading for him not to say yes.
-Do you?
Do I? How do I answer that? I guess I should have known he'd turn the question back to me.
-I dunno. I keep thinking, like, I should. You know. You're young. I'm married. And we're cousins for fucks sake. Regret seems logical. But... no. I don't regret it.
He didn't respond right away. Maybe I said too much. Maybe I should have just said no. Why did I remind him of everything? Why did I have to point out our age difference, and my marriage, and our relation. I just gave him a logical argument to build up regret over last night. Why am I so stupid?
