"Helping Mom" was my first foray into regaining my motivation for writing. This one is my second. Both were random thoughts that I decided to put onto paper. This one, I believe, will be the better of the two. Side note: Based on the feedback from "Helping Mom" I might add some chapters. I wasn't planning to, but I appreciate the positive support.
A GIRL NEVER TELLS
My wife, Kate, had died suddenly and unexpectedly a little more than a year ago. I was obviously devastated. I fell into a depression that took months to escape. It took intense therapy to get me through it. I was able to follow many of the recommendations by the therapist but there was one I just could not bring myself to follow through with. It was a constant point of discourse between me and my therapist. He routinely called it the last hurdle I had to jump through to be free from the nightmare I was enduring. It eventually became the thing that changed more than I could have imagined.
What I did... or, I should say,
didn't
do was to mourn my wife in a healthy manner. I refused to change anything about the house. In fact, I even went out of my way to get things done in the house that she wanted done but we never got around to. The basis for the problem was that I never changed anything about the house that constantly reminded me of her. More specifically, I left everything in its place as if I were expecting her to come home any minute.
All her clothes hung in the closet as they always had.
The items around her sink remained as if she was going to get up each morning and use them.
Her craft room was set up waiting for her to come in and make another holiday card.
I walked by it every day and it soothed me each time I saw it all. I was informed that it was actually hurting me deep down. I didn't want to accept that as fact so, I never did anything to change it. It wasn't until my wife's "mini-me" contacted me that things began to change.
Our niece, Carolynn, was the product of her brother's marriage and she was the spitting image of my wife. So much so, that my wife's brother would constantly call his daughter "Kate". I watched her grow and change through the years and only once she was an adult could I see the deeper resemblance that there was. She contacted me one day as asked a question that would change my life.
"What did you end up doing with Auntie Kate's things?" she asked via text.
It struck me pretty hard as it was a reminder of my wife's passing as well as the fact that I had not taken my therapists advice. In the moment, however, I realized something. Perhaps my issue was that I thought my only option was to throw it all in the trash or donate it somewhere to someone who would never appreciate it. I found an opportunity I never knew I needed.
"Nothing, actually. Would you like to come and see if you would like anything?" I hesitantly replied.
"Really?" she asked, "It would do my heart so well to have some of her things."
I smiled at her immediate reply.
"Well, you have the full gambit of things to choose from," I told her. "Anything from her Cricut to her toothpaste."
Her response came so fast, I would have sworn it was scripted and ready to go.
"Uncle Jason! You haven't done anything with any of her things?" she chastised.
I shook my head as if she could see me.
"No. I never found an avenue that made me feel okay about giving her things away. I would love for you to take whatever you want, though!"
There was a much longer delay.
"I will be down in a few days," she replied. "We will talk about this when I get there."
I'm about to get scolded by someone barely out of their teens
, I thought.
"See you soon, honey," I replied without acknowledging her latter statement.
From that moment until the day she arrived, I thought about what my world would look like with some of her noticeable things having been taken out of the house. My only solace was that my niece would have them. I wasn't prepared for anything that was going to take place once she arrived. I spent the next few days doing what I always did when company was expected. I cleaned and shopped.
I swept and mopped all the floors. I made up the guest bedroom and stocked the guest bathroom with towels and toilet paper. I also made it a point to get the pool properly situated. I normally kept it up because I also enjoy swimming, but I didn't want to wait. Carolynn loved being in the water, so I wanted to make sure it was up to par for her.
She finally arrived after a few days, and I greeted her at the door. She had her suitcase and a couple of empty ones. It seemed she intended to take a lot with her, and it made me sad that my world would be somewhat upended but, at the same time, happy that someone could use my wife's things and hold onto her memory.
"Dinner is just about ready, come on in!" I said, greeting her with a hug.
We ate and talked over dinner, and nothing came up about the reason for her visit. She mentioned nothing about how I kept the house since my wife's death, and I was silently appreciative of that. She kept to her typical routine and told me that she would like to swim after dinner.
"The pool is ready to go!" I told her. "Levels are good, and the filter is clean."
"You know, I've developed my own ways these past couple years," she said, shyly looking at me.
"Okay?" I prompted her.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to skinny dip," she said confidently.
I had intended to go swim with her, but wanted to give her some privacy since I thought it was what she wanted.
"Okay, I'll swim tomorrow or something," I said.
"Uncle Jason, that is not what I was suggesting. I feel like we're both mature adults. You can join me in a little skinny dip if you like as well. We can keep it professional or whatever," she said with a snicker.
It's worth mentioning that at this point that we live in the country. Kate and I grew up in the suburbs but as we grew older together, we both got tired of close neighbors and man-made noise. We bought a few acres out in the country and built our forever home. There're no neighbors within sight as we have forest all around us. I wasn't that I was concerned about being watched skinny dipping. We'd done it before. It was that my niece would be naked in front of me for the first time. I didn't know what to think about that.
"I understand your hesitation," she told me. "You watched me grow up. I'm a grown woman now, though, and I don't have any new features that women before me haven't had!" she added with a light laugh.
"No," I replied, "it's just that it's new to me."
My wife and I had swum nude at night on many occasions and I figured there wouldn't be any harm in my niece doing the same. It's also worth mentioning that my niece was an attractive young woman. It's not that I was attracted to her per se, but I knew what she looked like, and I know what guys like. I knew she was fighting boys off with
several
sticks.
She was about five foot four. She had dark hair like my wife. She was built somewhat opposite of my wife, though. Her breasts were larger, and her butt was smaller but well rounded. Of
course
, I noticed these things. She had bathed in the pool many times before in small swimsuits and I couldn't help but notice. I caught myself observing these facts and chastising myself for doing it but then rationalized it by knowing that I wasn't lusting after her. I was just observing.
"I'll wait until you're at work tomorrow," she said in a disappointed tone.
"No, it's fine, honey. We can be grown ups about it, for sure."
With that, we cleaned up from dinner and got ready to swim. I got in my suit and headed outside. I got the outside lights turned on but kept the pool lights off. As I was setting everything up outside, Carolynn came out in a towel wrapped around her body.
It was dark outside except for the soft solar lights and she walked right up to the pool stairs and turned to look at me. I nodded and she smiled sheepishly. I tried to ignore what I knew was about to happen, but my primal nature took over and I watched her. I watched her remove her towel and drape it over the nearby railing.
She was beautiful. Her breasts were large and hung well on her chest. Her body resembled that of a 1960's wife. She wasn't muscle-toned but by no means was she fat. She was perfect. She walked down the stairs into the water and swam to the other side of the pool. Once I turned on the music, I walked over to the stairs and looked at her and hesitated.
"It's okay," she said with an encouraging tone.
It felt like she purposely left out calling me Uncle. I slid my suit down my legs and quickly walked down the stairs into the water. I swam around to the opposite side of the pool from her.
"How do you like it?" she asked, not knowing it wasn't new to me.
"This isn't the first time I've been in this pool naked," I informed her.
"Oh?"
I nodded.
"Then why are you scared to have the pool lights on?" she asked.
It felt like she was forcing me to look at her body, though I knew my eyes were directly under my own control. Without a word, I used my phone to enable the pool lights.
"What color would you like?" I asked. I felt bold and continued. "I could go with a dark blue," I said as I turned on the lights with that color. "Or!" I added happily as I turned the LED lights to white, "I could make it very bright."
With that light and the stillness of the water, I could make out her features. She caught me looking her over.
"You've never seen me before," she reminded me, "would it help to just see me and get it over with?"
"It's not that," I told her, "you're a young and, to be quite honest, attractive woman, and I'd hate to be seen as creepy if I had some kind of... physical reaction."
She moved to the stairs and as she climbed them, she said, "If you're worried about getting hard because you see a woman's naked body, I won't hold it against you."
I noticed again that she didn't include
Uncle
in her statement.
She walked up to the second highest step and turned to face me.
"What do you think?" she asked, holding her arms out as if she were modeling.
I made a show of looking her over.
"Landing strip, huh? I took you for a bald kind of woman," I joked.
I said exactly what I said because my wife would shave herself daily, no matter what was taking place that day. She looked down and parted her legs slightly. She petted the hair that was there.
"I know Auntie Kate liked to shave it all, but I like a little hair down there."
I was surprised she knew about her aunt's grooming habits like that.
"She did, indeed," I replied. "You keep yourself well, Carolynn, I can't deny that."
"Thank you!" she said with a minor curtsy as she remained on the stairs. "Have you seen enough?"
I laughed and told her, "I have indeed, get back in here and enjoy the nice water!"
She fell into the water and laughed as she swam around. We had a truly fun and enjoyable swim that night. When we were done, we both got out of the water and walked to the porch. She grabbed her towel from the railing, and I walked nude several feet longer until I retrieved my towel from the chair where I left it. I was slightly hard, but she didn't let me know that she noticed. We dried off and both walked into the house. We both wrapped the towels around us, but she only covered her bottom half. I recall thinking that skinny dipping wasn't her only foray into nudism or perhaps even exhibitionism.
As we walked to our separate rooms, I locked doors and turned off lights.
"Tomorrow we will get to work," she told me just before closing her door.
I didn't get a chance to respond but knew my world would change as she altered my environment. I spent my time trying to sleep wondering what the house would feel like when we were done.
The next day, I got up early and made breakfast while I waited for Carolynn to wake. She eventually came down in a set of baggy pajamas.
"Good morning," she said as she headed straight to the coffee maker.
I chuckled and told her, "Nothing's changed."
