Everybody loves a surprise on Christmas, right? Well, youāre not going to believe the surprises I got this past Christmas. I donāt believe it. Iām only writing it down because, maybe then, it will seem real. Iāll tell one thing, though, home for the holidays will never be the same.
Let me tell you a little about myself. Iām a 26-year-old guy living in Texas and I was heading home to visit my family in New York. Now, as anybody who truly celebrates Christmas will tell you, if theyāre honest, the āmost joyful time of the yearā is a load of crap. The truth be know, it the most depressing time of the year. Anybody who says different is lying. And for me, this Christmas was even more depressing than usual.
First of all, I donāt like flying. In fact, I hate flying and now I have to fly half way across the country to get to New York. To make things worse, I canāt get a direct flight. I have to change planes in Atlanta. Second, I have to spend the holidays with my wacko family. This alone is enough to drive a person to suicide. And third, I just broke up with my girl friend. One day weāre madly in love and the next day she kicks me out on my ass for no good reason. She needās time to āfind herselfā she says and can we still be friends? I got enough friends as it is and she doesnāt have to find herself, I know exactly where she is. Sheās too wrap up in her own little fantasy world to be concerned with anybody else but herself, thatās where the fuck āshe isā. But I digress. Back to my story.
Iām in Atlanta about to board the plane to New York when, who do I see but my cousin Lorraine (Surprise number 1). Now I havenāt seen Lorraine in about 10 years. I remember my father had sent me south one summer to spend a week at his botherās farm in Georgia. I was a horny 16-year-old and Lorraine was about 11. I spent the entire week trying to get into the pants of Lorraineās older sister Diane. Diane and I were the same age and, let me tell you, youāve never seen a nicer set of tits on 16 year-old (or, for that matter, a 26 year old) than Dianeās.
Lorraine tells me sheās flying to New York to spend Christmas with my Folks. Her Parents and her sister are already there. Surprise #2, nobody told me about this. Lorraine suggested that maybe my parents want it to be a surprise.
We boarded the airplane and traded seats with some people so we could sit together and catch up on life, family etc.
We were drinking pretty heavily on the flight (remember, I hate flying) and getting a little drunk, when Lorraine says to me āRemember the last time you visited us and you spent the entire week trying to get into my sisterās pants?ā
āYou knew?ā I asked.
āOf course I knewā Lorraine replied, āI used to follow you two into the woods to spy on you making out.ā
Lorraine nuzzles up to my ear and whispers āCan I tell you a little secret?ā
I replied, "of course."
āI was so disappointed you didnāt get to fuck Diane. I really wanted to watch you guys go at it.ā
āWell maybe youāll get your chance this weekā, I joked.
āI doubt itā, replied Lorraine, āDiane is gay.ā (Surprise #3).