I walk into the therapist's office with Mom and find no one there. No receptionist. No other patients. No one. The door leading to his session room is open, so I walk over and knock on the frame. "Hello? Doctor Holman?" I see a massive silverback Gorillaman sitting behind a desk typing away on a laptop. He looks up, flashes a friendly smile, and motions me in. Mom takes a seat in the waiting room. I pull the door shut behind me. "Uhm, where should I sit? I'm not sure how... I've never done this kind of thing before."
"Sit wherever you want," he says with a deep, warm tone. "I have chairs in front of the desk if you want to do it over here." He nods towards the back of the room where I see a leather couch, easy chair, and end table next to a window overlooking the city. "Or over there if you would care for a more informal tone to our sessions. Whichever you prefer Ms. Cummings, as long as it makes you feel comfortable and safe to open up to me." I walk to the back of the room and sit on the couch. He eases into the large chair nearby. "Now I practice Experiential therapy with an insight-oriented, cognitive-behavioral basis. I also do hypnotherapy for those clients who feel they need it." I just give him a blank stare for several seconds.
He coughs, then continues. "Basically, you've experienced a huge change in your life recently, correct?" I nod. "Okay, you are probably feeling a little lost, unsure of yourself and your place in this new setting." I keep nodding. "You have probably been forced to confront some things you considered normal and discovered they are not normal at all. Some habits, or ways of thinking that don't appear to be as common as you were led to believe." It's like he's reading my mind! "Well, my methods are, hopefully, going to help you identify these behaviors, and beliefs, and change the ones you don't feel are right for you anymore. I'm not here to tell you what is wrong with you. I'm here to listen to what you think needs to be changed about yourself and help you become the best version of you that you can possibly be. That's all. So, where do you want to start?"
I start at the arrest and go through everything up to this point. Well, almost everything. I leave out the woman in my dreams because it's just too weird. It takes me about twenty minutes to fully unload it all. When I'm done I feel about fifty pounds lighter. I take a deep breath, "So, basically I want to get rid of my prejudice against Beasts... Zoes, and somehow work through my guilt about my part in Dad's schemes." I shrug. "Can you help me do that?"
"I can try, Ms. Cummings," he says after several seconds. "The thing you need to understand is these feelings were implanted at a very young age. I can't rid you of them." He shrugs, "You will more than likely have these biases and behaviors pop up sporadically for the rest of your life. What I can do is help you deal with them. Help you learn to ignore them and develop new behaviors, and biases. Understand?" I nod. "He clears his throat, "May I offer some observations based on what you have told me so far?"
"Please do," I say, leaning forward so I don't miss anything. "I think I need someone who's 'outside the storm' to help me see a way out."
"Thank you." He takes a deep breath, "First of all your rejection of your parents' beliefs... is completely normal. Everyone goes through this as they grow up. Your case is admittedly unusual in its triggering, but your going through a typical teenage rite of passage. Your sexual awakening, and explorations are atypical, but again everyone tries different things at your age." He shrugs, "As long as you give consent, and enjoy yourself without self harm, I won't stop you, or try to shame you. I will try to disassociate the act from punishment for you. You should do it because you enjoy it... out of love, or lust, not guilt." A cold chill goes through me. He's parroted the woman from my dreams exactly. He chuckles, "Even if you have sex every day with someone different and deduct it based on this list it would take you thousands of years to work it off. Relax, and enjoy the sex."
"What about my parents?"
"You're having sex with Zoes is a way to hurt your Dad for destroying the life you had. You feel guilty because you still love him." He takes a sip of water. "You also feel bad because your Mother destroyed her marriage performing similar acts. But now you see her in a stable marriage, and happy so it confuses you. It causes you to question the things your Dad said about her... about the acts she performed. You don't want to be like her, even though you are seeing some validation in her choices." I nod. He continues, "You are submissive in sexual situations because it allows you to put up a barrier between who you are, and who you want to be. You can fuck whoever you want and wipe away the guilt by saying 'They talked me into it.' Again, nothing wrong with being a sub, just as long as you understand the reason you are that way."
"And the fact nearly all of them have been my Dad's age or older?"
