We travelled all day on the main road, without stopping for lunch. We were quite a crowd; in addition to 18 men with horses, we had several huge horses loaded with gear, and an assorted crowd of dogs. The captain had a pet falcon. It spent most of the time in the air, only resting on his shoulder occasionally. The captain spoke only a little to me, he spent most of the time talking to the squad about military matters. For me, it was a day of blissful quietness, and I tried to think as little as possible.
That night, in a small hollow near the road where we camped, I waited for the captain to command me to serve him or some other soldier. But instead I heard him tell one of the soldiers that I was not to be touched until after I was no longer using the seed. I didn't know whether to be relieved or not. The men were watching me and there was no doubt what they wanted. I doubted that the captain would be able to hold them back.
The captain came to me and told me that I would not get seed that night, to use my brew instead. My anger consumed me – he had lied to me. I swore at him; I used all the words I had learnt. But he was unimpressed. He said that I had already missed one night the night I was sentenced, and I could miss another. He said it would do me good. And I would get seed when I needed it, he had not promised me seed every night.
I saw that I had been deceived by the captain; that I would never trust him again. I brewed my drink, and planned to find and use the seed while he slept. I wouldn't be able to sleep till I had the seed. I waited by the fire while the squad prepared to sleep.
Finally, the captain summoned me; I was to sleep next to him. I pretended to do what he said, and lay down under my blanket next to him.
"No one is to touch you. If some one tries, wake me up". Yes, sure, that was why I was sleeping next to him.
"You won't sleep well without the seed will you?" he asked me.
I gritted my teeth: how could I answer that question? I opted for the truth, but I was unable to keep the resentment from my voice.
The captain sat down next to me and spoke quietly, so only I could hear him. "You really want the seed?". Yes. No. I didn't know what to say, how to answer. I glared at him. "I understand that you will be tempted". He pointed to the man on watch – very close to us. "The men on watch will be watching you. If you try to find the seed, they will wake me and I will have to chain you."
He watched me for a while, and then spoke again. "You are still young. You deserve better from life, but it will be a hard road from where you are now, from what was done to you. Think of this as your first of many tests. Your responses will show you whether you have the strength to find what you deserve."
The captain's words filled my thoughts long after he had gone to sleep. I could not sleep; though I ached with tiredness, the brew had not dulled my desire enough. Yes, the captain was right, this was a hard road. Did it lead to what I deserved? I had no idea. But he had filled me with the determination to show him that I could resist temptation. I began counting the night off. If I could hold to the end of the first watch, I would have begun to show some strength. Before the end of the first watch, I fell into a disturbed sleep.
I barely remember the second day at all. I hadn't slept well, and I was consumed by the desire for the seed. There was nothing to distract me. I thought about trying to run for it, but it was no use; it was hot, they had better horses and would track me down. Nor were my wits any match for them, even at my best. I think I barely spoke. Towards the evening I began to feel better; perhaps it was only because I was sure I would get the seed that night. I was able to care for my horse and help wash the dishes after the evening meal.
The squad were sitting around the fire laughing and singing when the captain showed me where I should sleep and gave me that precious little bag of seed. I did not delay, and once again, taking the seed brought me no pleasure in the way that it had before.
On the morning of the third day, I woke early to a beautiful morning. I was able to wash quickly in the stream we had camped by before many of the men were awake. I decided that I would start to master my fears. I had passed my first test, and I would pass all the others. And this morning, I would start by learning the names of these soldiers I had to give myself to. I helped with breakfast, I smiled at them, I spoke to them. I began to learn their names. Most of the squad were known by nicknames, often relating to something that had happened in their past.
"Scar" was obvious. In fact, you couldn't miss the big red weal running down the left side of his face. "Gong", a huge man, had been given his name because he had made an enemy commander's armour echo like a gong in a battle when he had attacked him with a hammer. "Ferret" was a clever woodsman who could move through the woods with no sound at all. Not all the names were complimentary. "Sock", I was told, to the evident enjoyment of the audience, got his name when he stuck a sock down his pants to impress a woman. Sock laughed, and told me that it wasn't true, and he'd be happy to prove that he didn't need a sock. I was sure that I would find out.