When the Hope Was Lost

The dust we had kicked up in the exercised yard hung in the still air and settled on my sweaty arms and face. The staff was weighing heavy in my hands and the sun was burning the back of my neck but Joseph called to me to start again. With a groan I hastily blocked his jab and swung a stinging blow at his thigh. He managed to block it and brought his staff up quickly to knock the mine wildly to one side. I managed to keep a grip on it with my other hand but he hooked me behind my back and caught me in the circle of his arms pulling me in close to his hard chest and smirking at me. He had been doing that all day as we practiced and it kept making me smile at his cheek. I twirled out of his grasp and feinted and struck until it felt like my arms were running with blood. Finally I held my hand up and thumped the end of that accursed stick onto the ground and leant on it trying to get my breath back.

"Water?" I croaked. I could feel my eyes straying to a crude stone trough in the shade of the kitchen wall. It looked wonderfully cool.

"A good idea." He grinned wiping his own brow and leaning on his staff. With a sigh of relief I loosened my long fair hair from its leather thong and hurried over to dunk my head and drink my fill. When I threw my head back to clear my hair from my face I felt the cool weight of it slap against the back of my already sweat soaked shirt. Little rivulets left cool tracks down my spine.

"You fight very well you know." He sounded genuinely pleased.

"Thank you." I shuffled sideways to make space for him. "I always did learn quickly. There are only so many ways to hit someone."

"I can see where you are coming from Lin. As you put it, it does not really lend itself to glory and skill." He smiled as he said it. A little cynical smile that quirked up the corner of his mouth and made his grey eyes crinkle at the corners.

He dunked his own head and came up rubbing the dust from his face and neck. As he stood I surreptitiously looked him over as the water ran down his chest and back. He was wearing only a loose pair of cotton trousers tucked into heavy leather boots, he had discarded his shirt when we had begun. His torso was compact, muscled in the way of a man who lives an active life. His movements were fluid with the unconscious economy that a good fighter possesses. Being not excessively muscled or tall his strength was deceptive and his skill with the staff was well known. That was why I had sought him out to train with.

I had been travelling from place to place for the last few years as a hired sword. A general fighter, body guard or soldier as the opportunity presented itself. It was a dark time in my life. I had lost everything. Ever since I roamed lost and alone, wishing to die but not possessing the courage to end my own life. A few months after being flung from my home I wandered into a village with no name. It was night and I hadn't eaten in two days. A man spotted me stumbling along and attacked me.

It was when my body was pinned against the gritty stone wall, with the pungent stench of old sweat stinging my nose and a grabbing hand forcing my skirts up that I found the strength of a cornered animal, the courage of prey. I failed to die that night. I failed to be degraded and used. I took my rage, my hurt, my betrayal and my grief and used it

I went too far. I looked down on his bloody corpse...that mangled face, and I knew what I had become. I took his knife and money belt and paid for a hot meal and a room for the night. I never looked back. My skills and strength began to grow. I was fast, strong and deadly. In the back of my mind I knew that as I went into every fight I was expecting to die. I wanted it, but I wouldn't die cheaply, my instincts wouldn't allow it.

It was a few weeks ago that I came to the town of Culberry to enter a tournament. It had a good prize for the victor. It was a miserable night, I wanted rest and food and nothing else. Corman chose that night to stride back into my life. He snuck into my room in the dead of night and woke me. I still don't know what he was thinking, I doubt he even was, but he took me that night. A long night of passion such as I hadn't experienced for years. I had let the love in me die as I thought he had. I awoke that morning as he slid his arm from under my head.

His heavily muscled back was turned to me as he sat on the edge of the bed, his head and shoulders bowed as if the weight of the world rested solely on him. He told me he couldn't stay with me. That he had left for my own safety in the first place. As he dragged on his clothing I shamed myself by pleaded with him to stay, to at least tell me why, but he refused. I caught his face gently before he opened the door and turned his face to look at me.

"So this is it?" I asked. I could feel the sorrow building but my eyes stayed dry. Perhaps my store of tears was spent.

"You let me think that you had died. Made me mourn you. Watched from afar as our house was taken away and I was left with nothing, only to come back when I don't need you, and use me for one night. Was I always something that was good for as long as it was convenient? No do not answer. I am finished. I did not think it possible but you have broken my heart again. You know nothing of what I have been through. I'm sure you can imagine what can befall a woman wandering alone on the roads."

"No!" He breathed. His voice deep and outraged. I felt true fury burst from me heart. He caught my hand and tried to pull me to face him but I snatched it away.

His face was stricken when I looked back. I turned away again, I didn't want to see.

"I left to save you." He began his voice constricted and getting louder. "You have no idea what we were facing."

"No I don't." I said picking up my clothes and putting them on quickly "but I know what happened. I think I would rather have died. No, I know I do."

"If you feel that you must leave then I suppose you will, and nothing I can say will change your mind. I could never change your mind even at the best of times. I hate you for what you're doing to me. For what you already have done to me. I don't think I'll be able to forgive you. But know that I love you Cor. Fool that I am."

He gathered me up and his arms trembled as he held me convulsively tight, my head barely brushing his chin, just like I remembered. I could tell he was breathing the smell of my hair.

"I wish there was something I could do to take it all away. All the wasted years and the horrible times. But to know that you are alive...I will never be sorry for that. Never Lin."

His voice rumbled in his chest as he held me. I could hear his heart beating and I found myself gasping out choking tears that wracked my whole body. He held me as the storm of my emotions subsided. Kissed me. Held my hand. Then he left.

After that night I felt life flow back into me again. My heart still bled, but in my confusion and hurt I felt defiance. He truly believed that what he was doing was for the best and that he sacrificed our happiness for my life. He never had trusted me with his secrets, always there was a little wall between us that I could not breach and apparently our time apart had not changed that. He had been the other half of my soul for seven years but in my despair at losing him I had forged myself another and it was made of steel. I would go on and I would really live again. I would not waste his sacrifice.

The town was swollen with fighters from all over the Duchy and naturally they were noising their names about trying to intimidate each other. I wandered the narrow streets of the little town and after half a day found the man I was looking for.

He was more handsome than I had imagined, with close cropped dark hair a straight nose and prominent cheekbones. He had a neat little moustache and beard around his mouth and grey eyes that were at the same time mocking and cheerful. He looked me over appreciatively as I strode across the yard behind the inn where he was staying. He was leaning on the door of his horses stall enjoying the welcome sunshine. He wore a plain green linen shirt and coarse brown trousers tucked into heavy leather boots. It did not suit him.

"Hello." He greeted me simply, pushing off the door. He listened as I asked to be his sparring partner for a few days. I promised to teach him some of the tricks I had gleaned with the sword if he would teach me some of his tricks with the staff. He flirted with me as we talked and I found myself smiling at his easy humour.

As we cooled down at I noticed that he was watching me looking at him from the corner of my eye. I turned away smiling to myself. I had never let myself notice the men who looked at me. I told myself I was being faithful to Cor. I found myself thinking with a strange flutter of my heart that I may have wasted many opportunities. I no longer had to be faithful to anyone. It was a heady thrill.

"You haven't forgotten you promised to teach my some sword tricks have you? I'm eager to learn."

I looked at him again. He was rolling his shoulders and grinning. Did the man ever stop grinning?

I watched his muscles move under his wet skin. "I have not forgotten. We will have a match first I think. Your staff against my swords"

"Swords? More than one?" he said dropping his arms and turning towards me "That doesn't seem very fair."

"That's the point Joseph." I replied mockingly smirking at him and leaning on the trough. "It's what I'm going to teach you. It helps to even the odds. I don't have to tell you that being small can be a very big disadvantage in some situations."

"True," he said lightly, "But I'm not as small as you." He ran his eyes over me in a way that made my pulse quicken "Let's get to it. So do you have practise swords I don't want to get cut up before the tournament."

I chuckled "Bruises are sometimes worse. But there are some practice swords over here." I walked towards the small rack of weapons at the other side of the yard. They were rusty and battered, and also quite blunt. I picked out a sword and unsheathed it swinging it an few times to get a feel for the weight. My back was turned to Joseph but I could sense him coming up behind me so I turned slowly and found him standing very close to me looking at the sword clutched in my hand. I noticed that he was only half a head taller than me.

"May I?" he asked his eyes glinting at me from under his dark brows. I felt a jolt of excitement flush through me. I moved my hand to the side and deftly flipped the sword so that the hilt faced up and offered it to him. Instead of taking the sword from me as I expected, he gently grasped the hilt around my hand and guided it away from between us. He stepped closer and stood a few inches from me his face close to mine, my breasts brushing his bare chest and he waited.

I faced a choice; here was a man who was handsome and well proportioned with an affable nature and good sense of humour. He obviously wanted me. Could I be with him when I felt no love? When I had known him for scarcely a day? My body certainly didn't care. I could feel the heat rising in my chest and a tingle begin between my legs. I was very aware of the scent rising from his warm body and my hands yearned to run over his sculpted chest. It was all so strange and exciting. But could I lay with him without risking myself. I had long known I was unable to bear children but what if he tried to harm me and what if I couldn't please him; after all I had only ever been with one man.

My heart suddenly smote me and my ardour almost died. Corman. Did I truly believe that he had not been with other women in the time we were apart. He was a lusty man with a big appetite. I remembered well.

Almost as big as mine. I decided then and there, I would do as I wished when I wished.

"I thought you wanted to see the sword." I said looking into Josephs merry grey eyes wryly.

"It's not really that interesting." He breathed softly bringing his hand up to trace my collarbone where it was visible at the open neck of my shirt. My breath caught in my throat and I stepped back suddenly, causing my hand holding the sword to rip from his. Joseph was taken off guard; he stepped back with his mouth flat with dismay and his hands clenched at his sides thinking he had caused offence. He thought he had read me so well. I felt the corners of my lips quirk up into a little smile as I sheathed the sword and turned around. I dropped it back into the rack and slowly started walking towards the stables. As I reached the corner I stopped and looked back at him, he was still standing where I had left him, looking after me.

"Aren't you coming?" I called across the yard with a toss of my head.

The smile that broke across his face flashed mischief and lust and the knot of excitement tightened in the pit of my stomach. I turned and walked quickly over the cobbles towards the stables the sun beating down on my damp hair and lending its heat to the fire building in my body.

I heard Josephs footsteps quicken behind me as I came to the large doorway and I spun about in a fighters crouch. He swiped with his arm as if to grab me by the waist but I dodged playfully out of his reach startling the horses near us and started running down the corridor in the middle of the stalls towards an empty one at the end of the row, his soft laugh sounded muffled in the hay scented warmth. It seemed so natural and uncomplicated.

I reached out to open the half door as I came level with it but Joseph had ghosted quickly up behind me. He set his hand atop mine on the door and pinned me to it with his body. It startled me and I gasped as he nuzzled the back of my neck, his other hand slowly stroked up the outside of my leather clad thigh over my hip and across my belly. Before I knew it he was embracing me and kissing the side of my neck below my ear. I could feel his hardness pressing against my buttocks; he gently tugged my shirt free of my trousers and smoothed his hand slowly up towards my breast savouring the feel of my skin.

The latch of the door suddenly released itself and we tumbled onto the deep straw with a whoop and a startled oath. He landed on top of me but managed not to crush me and rolled to his feet. I jumped up and stood across the stall looking at him. He was covered in straw which he was attempting to shake off and I'm sure I looked exactly the same. I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled from my throat.

"Are you really laughing at me? I should make you pay for that you know. I can't just have people chuckling at me. It's bad for my reputation." He strode towards me and pushed me easily up against the wall trapping me within his arms, his hands pressing against the wood on either side of my head. "How much longer are you going to tease me?" he said playfully.

"I think I'm finished." I breathed and kissed him. I brought my hands up and smoothed them over the taut skin of his back and pressed my body into his. He growled in his throat and kissed me back hungrily, his tongue seeking mine. He was surprisingly tender, his kiss deep but sweet, his hands gentle as they moved over my back and into my hair. He broke the kiss and started to open my shirt slowly. His warm fingers left a tingling line down my skin as he undid button after button. When he had finished my shirt hung open showing a strip of flesh down my torso. My heart hammered in my chest as he grasped the sides of my shirt and slowly opened it; I felt the cool air brush my breast and my nipples began to tighten. He slid the garment off my shoulders and let it fall to the floor.

I stepped into his arms and pressed my bare breasts against his chest. I kissed him and dropped my hand to feel the outline of him. He was hard and warm in my hand through the coarse cloth. He held me and leaned into my touch, a low moan escaped him from between our lips. I started unlacing his trousers but he stopped me and stepped slightly away to tug off his boots. I followed his example and kicked my own boots into a corner, my trousers soon followed.

I saw his own cotton trousers fly past my head as he grasped me. He was naked as me and it suited him far better than the worn clothing had. It had hidden far too much of his body. His legs were well muscled and slender and his flesh stood out eager and throbbing glistening with moisture on the pink smooth tip as he gazed down at me. He lowered his head to nuzzle my breasts and took one of my hard nipples into his mouth. It caused a shock of pleasure to run through my core. I gasped and seized his head crushing myself to him as he sucked and nibbled. He released my nipple and kissed his way up my chest and neck.

I felt him press me again into the wooden wall, his hand grasped me under one thigh he lifted it up. He hovered like that and I could feel a hot probing touch as I looked into his unfamiliar grey eyes. Beads of sweat were beginning to glisten on his forehead and on the golden skin of his hairless chest. His other hand caressed my breast playing with my pliant flesh and taught nipple as I smoothed my hand over his muscled back and chiselled ass. I closed my eyes to hide from his eyes as he entered me. I moaned and arched my back as ripples of pleasure radiated through my core and into my whole body. He paused like that inside me. He was breathing hard and I could feel him trying to master himself. He started to move his hips, thrusting slowly, every movement eliciting little moans from me as he slid slowly in and out.

"God you feel good." He exclaimed breathlessly, I moaned in response and gripped his shoulders moving my hips in time with his. I wanted to feel release.

"Harder. Take me harder." I gasped, relishing the grunt of pleasure this elicited. He grabbed my other leg and lifted it up. He penetrated me even more deeply than before and he took advantage of that beginning to thrust more forcefully into me. My hard nipples dragged against his chest and my breath came in quick gasps. I could feel the ripples of an orgasm begin as he thrust harder and faster. I clasped his head in my hands and kissed him deeply, probing his mouth with my tongue. He groaned as I moved my hips to meet his thrusts.

I gasped as my orgasm broke and roared through me like a riptide. I threw my head back and cried out tensing my whole body. He groaned a long low groan my muscles tightened and rippled around his cock. He came hard. I could feel his seed spurting powerfully into me again and again as he pounded deep into me. He thrust one last time and held me there against the wall gasping. His chest crushing mine, his forehead pressing lightly against the side of my neck. My heart was thudding loudly in my chest as my breathing was returning to normal and I could feel the gritty stone wall pressing into my back.

Jacob released one of my legs and I lowered it to the ground not very confident that it would hold my weight. He raised his hand and cupped my face looking into my eyes with a gentle smile and then kissed me sweetly as if to thank me. It made me strangely uncomfortable.

We parted well, searching through the straw for our discarded clothing and laughing easily. He kissed me once more at the door to the stable making me promise to teach him tomorrow before the first matches of the tournament started. I smiled and said nothing. He grinned that wry little grin and strode out into the afternoon sun. The day looked very good as I leaned on the door post with my arms crossed. I felt loose and relaxed but there was a strange constriction in my chest that almost felt like guilt. I did not want to admit that in my heart all I could see was a pair of deep blue eyes flecked with silver and the sound of his voice sighing my name...