CHAPTER FIVE
On Monday morning, in real life, I found myself in the middle of
Casablanca
. I was at the governor's press office at eight on Monday morning. They apparently would be there at nine. Fortunately, there was a Java Cava just down the street within easy "wheeling" distance so I was able to pass the time by becoming even more anxiously caffeinated.
Even more fortunate, though, was the promised presence of Miss Krissy Mackley. The poor woman took her first step onto the ice at ten o'clock. She broke through precisely at 10:01, when she conflated the middle initial and last name of her boss, the Honorable Edward S. Platte. By 10:05, when she finished reading her statement, she was floundering in freezing water. The prey was wounded. The press moved in for the kill, their tongues firmly fixed in their cheeks.
"Will Governor Splat be doing any cliff-diving on this trip, Krissy?"
"Did you really mean to suggest, Krissy, that the Governor intends to ask the legislature to increase the size of the highway 'strut' fund?'"
"Could you explain the Governor's veto of the 'right at work' bill in any more depth?"
"You guys!" Krissy stamped her foot in frustration. We roared with laughter. The staff lined up behind her all found something fascinating to look at in the back of the room.
There's always one guy who doesn't get it, of course. One guy who, no matter how far out the envelope goes, has to push it just that little bit further.
"So, I'm sorry." My raised hand attracted Krissy's attention. "Did you say he was dove-hunting or duck-hunting?"
It seemed a legitimate question to me, but the entire room suddenly went as quiet as a graveyard. I looked around, conscious of the fact that I had just popped the bubble.
"And just what is the interest of the . . .?" she asked. "Mr. . . .?
"Rick Handley?" I answered. "Uh, Charleston
Messenger
?" I had spoken in that tone of voice that suggests that I actually didn't know either my name or that of my paper, and I was beginning to hear snickers.
I had committed the cardinal sin of allowing Krissy to regain her composure. She stood at the lectern, her arms folded across her chest.
"You're obviously new," she said with as much condescension as she could. "Is there a problem? Is your editorial board against β" she paused to look at the press release from which she had started reading "β duck hunting?"
"No, ma'am," I said over the laughter. "Not in season. But my understanding is that there isn't a state in this country that allows duck hunting in May. Is he out of the country? Or perhaps I'm mistaken?"
That shut everyone up again. But this time they were all looking at Krissy. Krissy was looking down at the paper on her lectern, quite clearly the source of all her knowledge, and then back at the press office staff. They were again staring off into the distance.
"I'll have to, um, get back to you on that, Mr. Handley," she said. "If there are no further questions, thank you, ladies and gentleman of the press corpse."
We roared again at her pronunciation of "corps," and she left in a huff. With her assistant huffers right behind her.
I was instantly voted an assistant membership in the newly formed Reporters Corpse Association and given a nickname: "Skewer." I hung around for another hour, meeting the other men and women of the Association, all of them from other state newspapers.
**********
"So, buddy," I said to Inigo that evening. "We were pretty damn good yesterday, weren't we?
"We won," he said coldly.
"Won?" I threw my head back and laughed. "We kicked their asses."
"They were idiots," Inigo said. "Paper thieves. Cardboard fencers. If they were any good, you would have been on the ground, 'buddy,' and I would have had a sword in my back."
"I was great," I insisted.
"You were adequate," he said.
"Oh, fuck you. You're just jealous because you drank too much and fell asleep last night."
"Draw your sword!"
"Inigo," I protested, "come on . . ."
"Draw your sword," he growled.
I drew my sword. Three seconds later it was lying in the dust of the street and the townspeople were laughing at me. This time I didn't think I was going to be able to say anything clever to get them back on my side.
"You think six days is enough to learn fencing?" Inigo asked.
"No," I said, downcast. "I guess it's not."
"Pick it up, Handley. We have much more work to do."
**********
The press conference on Tuesday morning was uneventful. A chastened Krissy Mackley confessed that the press release from which she had read was incorrect, although she evidently had no interest in taking responsibility for that herself. Governor Platt was in fact dove-hunting at a private reserve in Texas.
The RCA gave her a pass on that mistake. There wasn't any other news and no one, other than maybe some dove lovers, really cared what kind of birds the Governor was going to be shooting. We were done after a half hour, and I decided to stop by the Java Cava on my way home. I had developed a taste for their half-caf skim milk double lattΓ©chino, and was headed back to drop another four bucks. I sat there for a few minutes trying to think up something for Wednesday's story. My story yesterday had been about the Governor's "right to work" veto and his coddling favor with the powerful state employees' unions. It wasn't that strong and I hadn't been surprised not to see it in this morning's paper.
"Are you the reporter?"
A woman slid into the seat across the table from me, furtively looking from side to side as if she were concerned about being followed.
"I am a reporter, yes," I said. "From the
Messenger
."
She nodded.
"I saw you at the press conference this morning. Can we talk somewhere else?"
I shrugged.
"Sure. Although walking down the street with a guy in a wheelchair's going to make you pretty conspicuous."
She looked down. Apparently she hadn't realized I was chair-bound.
"Can we meet somewhere?"
I was tempted to offer a parking garage late at night. But the parking garages in Charleston weren't as numerous as those used by Woodward and Bernstein. And I wasn't all that fond of the dark.